Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Children
I am sure that this breast cancer journey is hard on Breyen and Tyler. Both girls are dealing with the journey differently. Breyen avoids the subject; she doesn't ask questions she just waits to hear information. Breyen is 19 and from what I hear from other parents she's in a another world and she'll be back in about 3 years. However, right now she is really stressing me out. She seems to think that I am responsible for schedule and that I should make myself available when her schedule calls for my assistance. I keep telling her that she is responsible for her own schedule. She let me know that she does not ask how I am doing because she doesn't hear me ask how she is doing. I didn't know the magnitude of her selfishness until today. If I ask her to clean she won't, if I ask her to pick up she won't, yet she expects that I will make myself available to take her to and from school and work. She really makes me feel like she doesn't care what I'm going through. Up until my conversation with her today, I had had no pain. Now my right breast has been hurting all day. I know I'm stressed. Bree really took me over the edge today. I know she has to deal with this the way she needs to, but I would appreciate not being the bulls eye. She thinks I do more for others specifically Tyler than I do for her. I told her it's time to grow up. This is reality and she isn't there yet. I know I still have to be the parent and understand her perspective but it was mighty painful today. But, I love her and as a parent I can do no more than that!
Tyler is doing okay I think. I see a little sadness every once in a while but for the most part she is going on with her senior activities. My guess is that she carries a little cloud over her head. She too like Breyen does not really help out around the house. Keeping the house clean is a sore spot for me with both of the girls, it seems I may win the breast cancer battle before I win this one. Ferlando told me to let it go, but it bothers me and keeps my stress level spiked at all times. Did I raise these young women? I did, and I raised them to be neat and clean but I guess when they hang out in that other world, those qualities are not needed.
I also have a lot of other issues that I'm dealing with so maybe I'm taking things out on them, but I don't think so. They need to do better. They're old enough, they have the values, but maybe like me they stressed as well.
I always pray for them but I will ask God to give them peace.
Tyler is doing okay I think. I see a little sadness every once in a while but for the most part she is going on with her senior activities. My guess is that she carries a little cloud over her head. She too like Breyen does not really help out around the house. Keeping the house clean is a sore spot for me with both of the girls, it seems I may win the breast cancer battle before I win this one. Ferlando told me to let it go, but it bothers me and keeps my stress level spiked at all times. Did I raise these young women? I did, and I raised them to be neat and clean but I guess when they hang out in that other world, those qualities are not needed.
I also have a lot of other issues that I'm dealing with so maybe I'm taking things out on them, but I don't think so. They need to do better. They're old enough, they have the values, but maybe like me they stressed as well.
I always pray for them but I will ask God to give them peace.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Quiet
I got good news on Friday, news that I may be able to keep at least a portion of my right breast. The news brought tears of joy to my loved family and friends. Since I got and spread the news a quiet has come over me. Am I in shock? Maybe. I don't know. I wonder what's yet to come, I'm feeling like this thing just might go away and God will have me beat breast cancer as so many other women have. And yet....there's this quiet. Perhaps it's because of the biospy of the uterus yet to come. I really don't want to do this but I know I need to be checked thoroughly for other cancers that are usually combined with breast cancer. Also, I'm not feeling too good. I have this light headed feeling almost like I'm dizzy but I'm not. My energy level is down but I keep going. I wonder what the doctor will tell me about next steps with the breast, and I want to scream at my OB/Gyn and tell him to find someone else to pick on. My allergies are bad right now, it makes sick to think of the coughing and post nasal drip because for almost a year I was good, so why have they reared their ugly heads now? My girls have no clue what any of this is like for me and I don't really think they care. And in a lot of ways I'm glad. Now is that me feeling sorry for myself? After all I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've been battling to keep Breyen since Louis and I split, my fiances have been in the dumps since the divorce which after a three year battle was finalized in Oct. 2006. I spent 23 years trying to be a good wife and 19 trying to be a good mother. Angie told me I've been a good wife and mother, seems to me I've made a mess of it all. I was hit by a car on Easter Sunday in 2006 (April 16), and now this....and I'm sure if I live long enough there will be more. I often think..."Can I buy a break?" In the beginining of the breast cancer journey, I felt like the tazmanian devil, I just wanted to spin out of control. Now, there's just the quiet. I'm quiet, I have no logic, I'm just holding on to quiet strength. My grandmother had that kind of quiet strength. This quiet is different than the lull before the storm....maybe this is my break!
The Quiet
I got good news on Friday, news that I may be able to keep at least a portion of my right breast. The news brought tears of joy to my loved family and friends. Since I got and spread the news a quiet has come over me. Am I in shock? Maybe. I don't know. I wonder what's yet to come, I'm feeling like this thing just might go away and God will have me beat breast cancer as so many other women have. And yet....there's this quiet. Perhaps it's because of the biospy of the uterus yet to come. I really don't want to do this but I know I need to be checked thoroughly for other cancers that are usually combined with breast cancer. Also, I'm not feeling too good. I have this light headed feeling almost like I'm dizzy but I'm not. My energy level is down but I keep going. I wonder what the doctor will tell me about next steps with the breast, and I want to scream at my OB/Gyn and tell him to find someone else to pick on. My allergies are bad right now, it makes sick to think of the coughing and post nasal drip because for almost a year I was good, so why have they reared their ugly heads now? My girls have no clue what any of this is like for me and I don't really think they care. And in a lot of ways I'm glad. Now is that me feeling sorry for myself? After all I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've been battling to keep Breyen since Louis and I split, my fiances have been in the dumps since the divorce which after a three year battle was finalized in Oct. 2006. I spent 23 years trying to be a good wife and 19 trying to be a good mother. Angie told me I've been a good wife and mother, seems to me I've made a mess of it all. I was hit by a car on Easter Sunday in 2006 (April 16), and now this....and I'm sure if I live long enough there will be more. I often think..."Can I buy a break?" In the beginining of the breast cancer journey, I felt like the tazmanian devil, I just wanted to spin out of control. Now, there's just the quiet. I'm quiet, I have no logic, I'm just holding on to quiet strength. My grandmother had that kind of quiet strength. This quiet is different than the lull before the storm....maybe this is my break!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Thank You Father God
Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Amen, Amen, Amen
I have good news but before I share the good news, I need each of you to understand "A Letter From A Friend" The letter from a friend was from the heart, sincere and good. It contains a most awesome prayer, one plan to carry with me to the hospital. Trust me, it was all good!
Now to good news. I got a call today from the nurse at the Plastic surgeons office indicating that surgery for the mastsectomy has been scheduled for Oct. 13, 2008. Fear ran through my veins instantly. Then I was calm because the real reality is now just a little over a week away. Then about a half hour later, the Surgeon called to say after viewing the films from the MRI the tumor is not as widespread as they thought and we may be able to save the breast. God is so good. He told me he would schedule a different type of biospy and determine what type of surgery will be needed. Keep the prayers flowing. I called to tell my mother, she was elated. I called my sister, I could hear the relief in her voice, I told Peewee and I could hear the tears flowing, I told Angie and she cried and cried tears of joy, I told BabySister and the awesome love for the God we serve overflowed. Initially when I heard the news I didn't cry and I really didn't resp0nd to the Dr. The Dr. said are you interested in Saving the Breast? I told him this is really good news. I think I was in shock. Then I began to thank and phrase God!
It seems I would have so much more to say, but I don't because I feel at peace. I do still have the have the biospy of the uterus, so continue to pray for healing.
I'm trying to express how I feel, but there are no words, just know that God can see what's in my heart. I am so thankful!
I have good news but before I share the good news, I need each of you to understand "A Letter From A Friend" The letter from a friend was from the heart, sincere and good. It contains a most awesome prayer, one plan to carry with me to the hospital. Trust me, it was all good!
Now to good news. I got a call today from the nurse at the Plastic surgeons office indicating that surgery for the mastsectomy has been scheduled for Oct. 13, 2008. Fear ran through my veins instantly. Then I was calm because the real reality is now just a little over a week away. Then about a half hour later, the Surgeon called to say after viewing the films from the MRI the tumor is not as widespread as they thought and we may be able to save the breast. God is so good. He told me he would schedule a different type of biospy and determine what type of surgery will be needed. Keep the prayers flowing. I called to tell my mother, she was elated. I called my sister, I could hear the relief in her voice, I told Peewee and I could hear the tears flowing, I told Angie and she cried and cried tears of joy, I told BabySister and the awesome love for the God we serve overflowed. Initially when I heard the news I didn't cry and I really didn't resp0nd to the Dr. The Dr. said are you interested in Saving the Breast? I told him this is really good news. I think I was in shock. Then I began to thank and phrase God!
It seems I would have so much more to say, but I don't because I feel at peace. I do still have the have the biospy of the uterus, so continue to pray for healing.
I'm trying to express how I feel, but there are no words, just know that God can see what's in my heart. I am so thankful!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Consultant with The Plastic Surgeon
I met the plastic surgeon today. He's a nice looking polish man. In fact he knows my allergist. His credentials speak volumes. I hope he is as good as the credentials indicate. His office certainly looks like sucess. Anyway, after my conversation with him, it seems that there will be no tummy tuck for me. The Dr. actually said I was too skinny. Can you imagine that? I've been working on getting rid of my tummy for as long as I can remember, yet he told me I didn't have enough belly fat. I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around that one. He indicated that I could go with the tummy tuck method but the reconstructed breast would need to be smaller and my other breast would need to be augmented (reduced) to match the reconstructed breast. Well now most of yall know that I just claim an "A" cup, doesn't mean I can fill it up...LOL! My other choice would be implants, but that would require extenders to stretch the skin which can be painful and would take longer (more procedures to complete). The other choice is to take the skin from my back, which I really did't want to do. I've never had much upper body strength and my right shoulder often aches anyway, so I'm afraid I would have more pain later in life. However, the plastic surgeon felt that the back flap would be the best method for me since I'm such a little thing. Crazy! Just Crazy! This "little thing" is blowing my mind, I can't get my mind around it. I mean America's Top Models are skinny, I do not have a models' body. So, I asked the surgeon how is it that skinny people (for real skinny people) get boob jobs that make them bigger. He explained that they simply get implants, they haven't had a mastsectomy so they have the skin needed for the bigger boobs. He further explained that I will not be able to get double "D's" or anything to big because even using the skin and muscle from the back there is just not enough fat to go much bigger. I told him that as a girl growing up I always prayed not to have big boobs and I still don't want big boobs. He told me that I will heal quicker with this method as well and spend a day or two fewer in the hospital. I am disappointed, after all if you have to go through this, there would be value added in getting a tummy tuck. Of course he can still do a tuck after all is said and done because he won't need fat for any thing. Oh well. He also thinks I will face less risk of complications. I am going with his recommendation.
He then had the nurse come in and allow me to try on some boobs to determine what size my breast will be after the operation. It was weird but oddly enough fun. My Mom and Babysister were there with me through the exam and everything. I wonder what they are thinking...it's scary for me watching all of this go on (as if I'm a outsider looking in...Ha, I wish). But I wonder whatg they are thinking really. I will have scars when it's all done one on my back and one long one across the reconstucted breast and a small one on the augmented breast. After the talk and the exam, the doctor took pictures of my breast to be added to the boob photo album in his office. Guest I will have to take pictures 0n my ownand create a scrap book of memories of myself with two real boobs! Well now at least it seems that things will begin to move. Possible surgery dates are Oct. 13, Oct. 17 or Oct. 20. I'll let you know. Just remember and keep praying that the biospy of uterus shows no cancer and that there is no cancer in the lymp nodes. I remain strong in my faith, I continue to pray for healing. My next question who will I be after surgery, I know I will be me but will I be profoundly different? Am I already profoundly different?
He then had the nurse come in and allow me to try on some boobs to determine what size my breast will be after the operation. It was weird but oddly enough fun. My Mom and Babysister were there with me through the exam and everything. I wonder what they are thinking...it's scary for me watching all of this go on (as if I'm a outsider looking in...Ha, I wish). But I wonder whatg they are thinking really. I will have scars when it's all done one on my back and one long one across the reconstucted breast and a small one on the augmented breast. After the talk and the exam, the doctor took pictures of my breast to be added to the boob photo album in his office. Guest I will have to take pictures 0n my ownand create a scrap book of memories of myself with two real boobs! Well now at least it seems that things will begin to move. Possible surgery dates are Oct. 13, Oct. 17 or Oct. 20. I'll let you know. Just remember and keep praying that the biospy of uterus shows no cancer and that there is no cancer in the lymp nodes. I remain strong in my faith, I continue to pray for healing. My next question who will I be after surgery, I know I will be me but will I be profoundly different? Am I already profoundly different?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Letter From A Friend
To I received a letter from my friend Shanita. I call her Nee and she calls me Tee. We met in 1977 over the summer before going to college. We were introduced to each other by my Aunt (BabySister). It turned out that our birthdays were just one day apart. We were college room mates. Nee has had a lot of drama in her life, in fact, I think she should write a book, I'm sure the book would sell maybe hit the best seller list. I've always thought of Nee as one of God's special angels, her faith has been strong and steadfast. God has always seen her through, she's wise, she's smart, she's eccentric :), she is Nee.
Today I received a letter from Nee and in that letter she shared her fear of losing me to breast cancer, it brought tears to my eyes. She couldn't explain why but she is very fearful that she will lose her life long friend. It's scary for me to hear that she has this fear because she has always had a sixth sense and is usually pretty accurate. It's one of the things we both have had in common over the years, this sixth sense if you will. We've known of deaths and other events that have taken place in our lives before others, we've been able to accurately predict some things that were yet to come. And if I'm honest, I have thought about dying. Shanita also prays an awesome prayer for my God to preserve my life. It's funny, I have so many good friends, I have three that I have been friends with for over thirty years. I've wondered now if I will be the first to go. When I look back I think I had so many clues. I knew I needed to get my house in order but I kept procrastinating, now I see so clearly.
My dear friend Shanita, Breast Cancer has a battle on it's hands. I will not go down without a fight. My faith will be strong enough for the both of us this time. Your life long friend is planning more of a life time of friendship. Even if it happens that I am not here in the flesh, I will always be your friend. Your letter has also helped me to understand my mother's fear. I tell you both, I'm not going anywhere. I have a couple of male friends that opted out of my life and I think how lucky (smart) they were so that they don't have to live through this with me, but you Shanita I know you will be there ALWAYS! I love you friend, God has heard your prayer, he's not finished with me yet.
I went to a Breast Cancer Support meeting tonight. There were six other women there who have the same type of cancer that I have. They are all survivors, it sounds like some of them have been to hell and back, but God has kept them here. Remain prayerful and faithful,...I am.
I love you my friend and thank you for the letter and the powerful prayer!
Today I received a letter from Nee and in that letter she shared her fear of losing me to breast cancer, it brought tears to my eyes. She couldn't explain why but she is very fearful that she will lose her life long friend. It's scary for me to hear that she has this fear because she has always had a sixth sense and is usually pretty accurate. It's one of the things we both have had in common over the years, this sixth sense if you will. We've known of deaths and other events that have taken place in our lives before others, we've been able to accurately predict some things that were yet to come. And if I'm honest, I have thought about dying. Shanita also prays an awesome prayer for my God to preserve my life. It's funny, I have so many good friends, I have three that I have been friends with for over thirty years. I've wondered now if I will be the first to go. When I look back I think I had so many clues. I knew I needed to get my house in order but I kept procrastinating, now I see so clearly.
My dear friend Shanita, Breast Cancer has a battle on it's hands. I will not go down without a fight. My faith will be strong enough for the both of us this time. Your life long friend is planning more of a life time of friendship. Even if it happens that I am not here in the flesh, I will always be your friend. Your letter has also helped me to understand my mother's fear. I tell you both, I'm not going anywhere. I have a couple of male friends that opted out of my life and I think how lucky (smart) they were so that they don't have to live through this with me, but you Shanita I know you will be there ALWAYS! I love you friend, God has heard your prayer, he's not finished with me yet.
I went to a Breast Cancer Support meeting tonight. There were six other women there who have the same type of cancer that I have. They are all survivors, it sounds like some of them have been to hell and back, but God has kept them here. Remain prayerful and faithful,...I am.
I love you my friend and thank you for the letter and the powerful prayer!
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