Catching up

Some of you have asked "What's going on" ? Some have asked why I stopped writing. Well the writing is good for me so I guess I will try to get back to it. I have not written in while because I have been so angry. I'm not sure why I've been so angry, I mean after all I am here I survived all that I went thru in the last two years. However, I didn't come away unscarred.

I was angry becasue I had what I call "stupid breast cancer". I was angry because I wanted things to be the way they used to be. I was angry because I continue to be in so much pain. I was angry because I can't find the "new normal", the new me. I was angry because I'm in a lonely place and only company that can relate is the the ladies in my Cancer Support Group. I feel secure there because other ladies understand exactly where I am, they've been there; but it's such a sad place. Sometimes I don't go to the meetings because the ladies are so sad. I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be angry and every reason to be grateful. It's a funny thing we've all survived. We survived cancer and we survived the dreadful treatment for cancer. The anger has subsided now. I think it was just took time.

Now I'm lost. People look at me and they say " You look great". Looks are indeed deceiving; but are they really? I've got hair now so I guess that looks good. My hair is soft, curly, kinky, nappy whatever you want to call it. It is difficult to manage, it does's it's own thing. It's a different color. My hair has always been reddish brown. Now it's a dull black with gray strings (not cute). I covered it while it was growing with wigs and sew-ins. I never quite got the sew in that I wanted and I am sick of wigs. I know women wear them all the time now and I still wear them, but they really represent something different for me now. I'm working on feeling better when I have a wig on. On the surface compared to where I came from when I was going through chemo I guess I really am doing great. People don't see the scars on my back, on my sides (from the drainage tubes) on the re-constructed breast, and they don't see that one leg is now bigger than the other (from edema) and they don't want to see the difference in my hand and arm (from the lymphedema), and they ignore the dark circles around my eyes (because folks have dark circles from other things). I am in pain from the lympphedema and bone pain 80 to 90 percent of the time. I've learned to live with the pain, it's not fun but for the most part as long as I'm moving around I can ignore it.

I am suppose to take hormones to lower risk of recurrence but the hormone cause even more pain. One of the side effects is uterian cancer for a very small percentage of women. Well as most of you know I've been in that small percentage on most of this journey. The doctors say, no big deal if it happens we will just take your uterus out. Great! I've decided not take any of hormones because of the pain more than anything. I want to be able to enjoy the quality of my life as much as possible. When I take the hormones, I barely walk or get in and out of a chair or exercise or feel like doing anything other than concentrating on fighting off the pain. I have met lots of ladies who have been through what I've been through and more and they don't have these type of side effects. So, I'm fighting for the best well being and quality of life that my body will allow me. I am exercising now, running and recently discorvered that aqua arobics allow me freedom of movement without pain and helps the lymphedema. I'm trying to eat right, but not doing too good. I don't cook much anymore and this sweet tooth that I have is probably taking years off of my life. I'm working on it. I've lost a few pounds and that feels great so I'll try to stay focused.

I try to stay busy. I go to a Steppers class on Monday's. I work part time job on Tuesday's and I exercise the rest of the days. Work (the full time job), of course keeps me busy. My Boss is hard and as we say around the job she stays of my "Neck". I used to be really good at what ever I did at work but now I struggle. I pray that I can can keep my job but I just do the best I can. So, work is really stressful! I feel really dumb but hopefully I'll get back to my anal perfection with work one day soon. My level of concentration does seem to be getting better.

At home, things are about the same. The house is a mess. I don't fuss about it, I just clean it when I have the energy. Tyler is home and hopefully she and Breyen will get along for the summer. I don't plan to referee any agrguments they will have to figure it out on their own.

I went on a blind date last week. It's was nice to get out. He was a nice man but I was not attracted. Also, his wife died from breast cancer. I wouldn't do that to him even if I was attracted. My friends seem to think I need a nice man in my life. Well well, I can tell you that's a element of least concern to me.

I try not to look at or think too hard about my finaces so there's not much to say about that. It is what it is.

I think this about catches things up for now. I'll try to write more often.

Holla Yall!

Catching up

Well it's been almost a month since I've updated the blog. I think about it often but sometimes I just want to forget all that is going on. Of course I can't do that since I am living it. The lymph node surgery went okay, I have had severe cording which limits the use of my arm and is very painful. As a result, I am back in physical thearpy two days a week to work on getting rid of the cording. Of all the pain since this started I think this is the worst. My arm gets really sore and mortrin does not help that. I work on my arm a lot myself as much as I can and it is getting better. Of course the doctors and physical thearapist tell me that this rarely happens...again I am the one in 100. I also go to physical thearpy a third day a week because my rotator cuff is still bothering me and now I have a IT band problem. I am trying to get back to running but the IT band problems is slowing me down. I do plan to participate in the Rock & Roll classic even if I have to walk.



Tomorrow I go to the doctor for my first radiation consult. So that starts soon. I am told that most people don't have a problem so I hope I can be among the most rather than the one. I will continue to work on getting my weight down. Everyone tells me I look good. It's good to hear but it's depressing for me to have the weight because I can't get into my clothes nor do I have money to buy new bigger ones. I just need to push back from the table and stop eating junk and I've been doing a terrible job at that. I do really need to loose the weight though because all of the research saids that women who are overweight (and I am over weight for my height and frame) are at a higher risk for recurrence of breast cancer. Now that I getting closer to completing the treatment, I ask myself often why this has happened to me and the best answer I can come up with is why not. It's hard to think long term into the future. I just take one day at a time. I do see other breast cancer survivors who live a long life so I know that's possible and also know that tomorrow is not promised to anyone.



I've been bothered by my scars lately and twice now God has told me that it could be worst. The first time I was complaining about the scars I saw a set of triplets on the news who had terrible burns. My scars didn't even compare. Then yesterday I saw a lady who's legs were scarred from a car accident. When she was telling about the scars she reminded me "you know where you've been but you sure don't know where going.



Well Tyler has been the highlight in my life of late. She came out of a funk at the end of her track season and kicked butt. She won three medals at state, she was voted MVP by her team members at HF and she was nominated for the 110% Atlethic Award at HF. She also received an award for participating in Track on the varisity level for four years. She will leave HF with a 3.2 GPA. I am pretty darn proud of her. She is focused, she is young and vibrant, she has a wonderful personality, she likes to have fun, she loves to dress up and dress down in the most colorful way, she loves high heels, and I am praying that life's journey will just be full of happiness, good fortune, and love. She will graduate today at 2PM. She wanted to go to church today, we won't make because of the early time that she has to arrive for graduation but we will pray and worship this morning at home. She will move on to U O I to run track as she pursues her college degree in Kinesiology.



That's about it for now. My financial picture is not much better but perhaps after radiation I can try to get back to work. The doctor did tell me that a lot of people work during radiation but didn't necessarily recommend working for me because I seem to have so many side effects with treatment. I am going to try acupunture maybe that will help get my bodyget into balance and I can torlerate things better. We'll see what will come out of the radiology consult.



Today I am going to enjoy Tyler's day!!!