Catching up

Some of you have asked "What's going on" ? Some have asked why I stopped writing. Well the writing is good for me so I guess I will try to get back to it. I have not written in while because I have been so angry. I'm not sure why I've been so angry, I mean after all I am here I survived all that I went thru in the last two years. However, I didn't come away unscarred.

I was angry becasue I had what I call "stupid breast cancer". I was angry because I wanted things to be the way they used to be. I was angry because I continue to be in so much pain. I was angry because I can't find the "new normal", the new me. I was angry because I'm in a lonely place and only company that can relate is the the ladies in my Cancer Support Group. I feel secure there because other ladies understand exactly where I am, they've been there; but it's such a sad place. Sometimes I don't go to the meetings because the ladies are so sad. I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be angry and every reason to be grateful. It's a funny thing we've all survived. We survived cancer and we survived the dreadful treatment for cancer. The anger has subsided now. I think it was just took time.

Now I'm lost. People look at me and they say " You look great". Looks are indeed deceiving; but are they really? I've got hair now so I guess that looks good. My hair is soft, curly, kinky, nappy whatever you want to call it. It is difficult to manage, it does's it's own thing. It's a different color. My hair has always been reddish brown. Now it's a dull black with gray strings (not cute). I covered it while it was growing with wigs and sew-ins. I never quite got the sew in that I wanted and I am sick of wigs. I know women wear them all the time now and I still wear them, but they really represent something different for me now. I'm working on feeling better when I have a wig on. On the surface compared to where I came from when I was going through chemo I guess I really am doing great. People don't see the scars on my back, on my sides (from the drainage tubes) on the re-constructed breast, and they don't see that one leg is now bigger than the other (from edema) and they don't want to see the difference in my hand and arm (from the lymphedema), and they ignore the dark circles around my eyes (because folks have dark circles from other things). I am in pain from the lympphedema and bone pain 80 to 90 percent of the time. I've learned to live with the pain, it's not fun but for the most part as long as I'm moving around I can ignore it.

I am suppose to take hormones to lower risk of recurrence but the hormone cause even more pain. One of the side effects is uterian cancer for a very small percentage of women. Well as most of you know I've been in that small percentage on most of this journey. The doctors say, no big deal if it happens we will just take your uterus out. Great! I've decided not take any of hormones because of the pain more than anything. I want to be able to enjoy the quality of my life as much as possible. When I take the hormones, I barely walk or get in and out of a chair or exercise or feel like doing anything other than concentrating on fighting off the pain. I have met lots of ladies who have been through what I've been through and more and they don't have these type of side effects. So, I'm fighting for the best well being and quality of life that my body will allow me. I am exercising now, running and recently discorvered that aqua arobics allow me freedom of movement without pain and helps the lymphedema. I'm trying to eat right, but not doing too good. I don't cook much anymore and this sweet tooth that I have is probably taking years off of my life. I'm working on it. I've lost a few pounds and that feels great so I'll try to stay focused.

I try to stay busy. I go to a Steppers class on Monday's. I work part time job on Tuesday's and I exercise the rest of the days. Work (the full time job), of course keeps me busy. My Boss is hard and as we say around the job she stays of my "Neck". I used to be really good at what ever I did at work but now I struggle. I pray that I can can keep my job but I just do the best I can. So, work is really stressful! I feel really dumb but hopefully I'll get back to my anal perfection with work one day soon. My level of concentration does seem to be getting better.

At home, things are about the same. The house is a mess. I don't fuss about it, I just clean it when I have the energy. Tyler is home and hopefully she and Breyen will get along for the summer. I don't plan to referee any agrguments they will have to figure it out on their own.

I went on a blind date last week. It's was nice to get out. He was a nice man but I was not attracted. Also, his wife died from breast cancer. I wouldn't do that to him even if I was attracted. My friends seem to think I need a nice man in my life. Well well, I can tell you that's a element of least concern to me.

I try not to look at or think too hard about my finaces so there's not much to say about that. It is what it is.

I think this about catches things up for now. I'll try to write more often.

Holla Yall!