Ten Days to Go

Counting down...I have ten days to go before surgery. At this point, I'm just trying to enjoy the days and prepare for surgery. JoAnne reminded me today that I would need pajamas that button down the front because I will not be able to lift my arms. I hadn't thought about that, not the lifting of the arms but the button down the front PJ's. So I've added it to the list. I will do one more grocery shop before surgery as well. I wanted Breyen and Tyler to stay at Mom's during the surgery, but Mom will be with me and Ferlando will also be at the hospital as will my sister. So, I guess I will have to leave them at home. Breyen wanted to know why they needed to go to Grandma's. Crazy question from a child who disrespected my home the last time I left her al0ne at home. I just hope that this time she will do better. I think I've worked out rides for everyone and I've already reserved a hotel room near the hosptial. I will ask Louis to be a back up ride for the girls just in case they get into it and act silly about getting to the hospital. I have to talk to Tyler's teachers to excuse her from class on Thurs. and Friday, I'll have someone pickup the mail and ask my neighbor to watch out for the house. We will drive my car to the hospital so family will have wheels to get around. Oh yeah and of course, I have to make sure the bills are paid. Mom sugested that I vote eary, just in case I'm not up to getting around later, so I will look into that as well.

Anyway today was good. I went to church, it was Men's day. I always enjoy men's day and today was no different. We had Zarinah with us today. Henry was at the house to pick her up when we got home. Ferlando and Mom came over after church and we cooked meat loaf, garlic mashed potatoes, brocoli and a fresh salad. I also baked a german chocolate cake. It was a nice peaceful day. We watched movies, ate and just enjoyed each other's company. One of the track althetes from the Angelic Flyers (Eric) came by and spent the evening with us. He just lost his mom a couple of weeks ago. I hope he felt the peace in the house today as I did. I checked on Maria today, she's still kicking though not high. She will return to work tomorrow. I offered to take her to the train station tomorrow, but she opted out and asked that I allow her to walk. I really wish I could do more to help her. I will keep her in prayer, she'll be fine.

My friend Ann told me that I will be same to my friends even after surgery. I suppose in a lot of ways I will be...but since September 11 since I found out about the breast cancer, I've already changed. I'm getting smarter, my faith is growing and working on a strategy for facing my future. I don't know how to tell you what I mean by working on a strategy but I feel something evolving. I will share when I figure it out.

Chris wanted to know if it was okay to visit me in the hospital. It is pefectly fine to visit. I love company, calls are great too...do what feels best to you. Even if anyone chooses not to visit or call, I just ask that you keep me in prayer.

Getting Prepared

Today, I decided to stay put and attempt to get my Family Room cleaned and re-organized. I decided not to work out and not to do any errands so that I could get the rooom done. I've been working on it for weeks. I am naturally a pack rat and I had a ton of paper that needed to be shredded and discarded. I started as soon as I dropped Tyler off at school. Sorting through all of the paper was overwhelming. I had EOB's dating back to 1996, cards, letter, bills, the girls kindergarten drawings you name it I had it. Mom and Ferlando came over to help. God, they were a big help. I don't know how I would have done it without them. Ferlando worked really hard, he took my big ole desk apart. I've been wanting to get rid of it for years. Good riddance I'm glad It's gone. Ferlando also moved the entertainment center and the couches. I know he has to be tired. I am so thankful for his help. I was so overwhelmed at one point that I just thought it would not get done. We finally finished around 9 PM tonight. The room now looks good and feels good. Annie was the first to work with me on that room and JoAnne helped me make the next big dent. Thanks to all of you for your assistance.

While we were working today, I called Baby Sister to come over and I also spoke with my sister. So, while everyone was here I asked how they wanted to handle the day of surgery. I asked who was going to be at hospital for the surgery and who was coming later. Everyone wants to be at the hospital but I reminded them that they would just be sitting around while I'm in surgery. Mom, Babysister and Trina will ride to the hospital with me. Tyler, Breyen and Ferlando will come out later as they need to attend school/classes earlier in the day. Ferlando will take the train after leaving school downtown and Breyen and Tyler will drive out later. Because the hospital is so far away and my surgery is scheduled for later in the day, I reserved a hotel room for folks to stay the night if they wish to stay. I keep reminding everyone they can come the next day (Thursday) because I will still be out of it. Of course that fell on deaf ears. It will be nice to see them and have their support when I wake up. This is step one in getting prepared.

Next week, I have a doctor's appointment everyday except on Thursday and then again on the following Monday. I supspect by the time surgery comes around I will be pretty agagravated from being poked so much. In addition I have to tell the dr. to stop poking my breast, the skin is already purple and bruised from the last biospy. I do get to keep the skin so they need to be gentle. I'm sure he'll just look at me with a blank stare, but who knows he may listen. A girl can try. Also, I don't know if it is from the biospy but I have a new cluster/lump. I let Tyler feel it last night so I know it's not my imagination. Well a week from Wednesday it will be gone.

Several of my friends are planning to come vist before surgery. I suppose they want to see me and spend some time with the me they know now and come back to meet and see the new me after surgery. I think about the change too, but right now I remain prayerful for no cancer in the lymph nodes and no chemo. I know that God heals and all will be well. Put your faith in God and know you will all get your same friend back after surgery!

A Busy Day

I got up this morning, took Maria to the doctor. Her wound is healing nicely. We went to breakfast and over to enterprise car rental. From there I dropped Maria off; met with Chris to work out. We ran three miles and then we worked out in the gym. Mom was there working out as well. Mom and I talked for a while. She's so funny, she's having fun watching Ferlando and enjoying his company. At the same time she is concerned and hopeful that things will work out. As far as my condition is concerned, it's nice to see her calmer and I feel better because she is calmer, at least on the outside. Before I left the gym, I stopped to talk with Sherri and Felifcia. They asked how I am doing and I told them that I am actually doing well. I don't feel any pain, I'm able to do all the things I've been doing all along. Felicia is always very positve and I like that about her. She saids maybe this is happening to me to help someone else, who knows. She may be right about that as I have been able to help Maria through her tough times. I've also come to understand what it feels like to be loved. I have received an outpouring of love. Family has been very supportive..one of the things that I hope will come out of this is bringing family back together. My friends have been awesome, acquaitances have reached out offering help and comfort, people have stopped me out and about and in the gym to pray with me, people are planning to be at the house with me after surgery so that Mom is not over worked and stressed...I don't have the words to explain. I actually used to think about what it would be like to really be loved...and now, it's a wonderful feeling!

Anyway after working out I had a chance to take a bath, get dressed to go to talk to the surgeon. I called Breyen to confirm that she was still going to go with me. I decided not to ask Mom or Babysister to go because I thought it would be good for Breyen and I to spend some time and she could ask the Dr. her own questions. She did go with me and she explained to me on the way to the doctor that she just didn't know how to deal with the diagnois. She said she does care, and she knows that breast cancer is serious but she didn't know what to do. This came out just as we got in the car together to go to the metra station. When we go to the Drs' office the surgeon explained to Breyen and I what to expect. I will need to arrive a couple of hours before surgery. I will go to nuclear medicine to receive a radio active injection that will help identify the lymp nodes. Later I will received another shot that will send blue dye through my system that will also help to identify lymp nodes. The dye will cause my urine to be blue for days after surgery. From there I will go into surgery and both the surgeon and the plastic surgeon will put there skill sets to work. The areola and the nipple will be removed because that's where the ducts live that host the cancer. The plastic surgeon will then make an incision in my back and remove a small portion of skin that he will use to make a nipple. He will then detach the lact muscle from my upper back and swing it around to my chest. From there he will decide how he will proceed (I see the plastic surgeon for details next week). Breyen thought this part was pretty cool. I think it's more like a science fiction movie or a highschool science project. Breyen asked a few questions and seemed satisfied with the answers. In fact later she told me that she like the Dr. because he's upfront and yet down to earth. I asked how long for healing..,. you know me always wanting to know when I can get moving. I'm not use to sitting still. However, the doctor told me that the first two or three days will be very painful. He told me to remember to ask the plastic surgeon if he was going to inset a tube for a pain pump. I don't know about all of that, we will have to discuss medications and side effects. But he thought I would be up and about in a week or two. I will have to very careful with my arm and they may not want me to move it for a while. I am going to try to be good but I am going to be so mad about not being able to move my arm. I know, I know...I'll be alive. I am not complaining....yet! :) I will be in the hospital for at least three days. In the mean time, I have to have a lot of pre-op work done so I will go to various Dr. appointments to get everything done. Then Breyen struck up a conversation with the Dr. regarding going to medical school!! We came home, I got a quick meal and off to the club I went.

Some time after surgery I will go back for another procedure to get a nipple. The areola will be tatooed on. I'll share more when I know more about that. I remain prayerful and positive, I think I must be crazy but "I'm good" at least for now. I wonder what it will be like when I wake up , worry if I will be the same. Anyway Tyler has decided that we should take pictures of me before surgery and that I should dress up, kinda as a farewell to my breast, and she thinks that all three of us should get a tatoo on our breast that will say "God Heals" We'll see how that goes.

I asked the doctor where did this Breast Cancer come from. He told me we really don't know. But there has been a lot of resarch...women who typically get breast cancer are those who have mothers and sisters who have had it (I don't fall in that category), women who took hormone theary (I'm not in that category) and then of course there's the food we eat and the hormones that were injected in cows, chickens, etc. Well that's definitely me and most of the rest of us. Well it is what is.

It's been a busy day and I need to get some rest. I know that I owe a lot folks calls you'll hear from me shortly. Clara I'm taking my "me" day this weekend. Thank you so much!

Good night!

The Result

I got a call from the Dr. today, more specifically the surgeon. Once again, though he thought it might be different the result was the same. I will need to have a mastsectomy. Do I have my brain wrapped around this? I think so. I spoke with my nephew, Ferlando tonight and he was a little up set with me when he asked how I felt about the news today. He didn't like my answer. I told him that I was not surprised. It seems to be the way of my life for a while now. He felt that I was affirming the negative. I explained to him that I am just a realist and it's the realty. I was hopeful for a different result, but this result was not unexpected. I also told him, I just wanted to get it over with so that I could heal and get on with my life. That part of my answer made him happy.

I thought at one point that my life was finally settling down, after 20 years of a turbulent marriage, three years of divorce from a man in his own words said he did not want me to have "one red cent" and tried to make my life more difficult, to getting hit by a car, and pushed out of a job; struggling with my spoiled, selfish and immature daughter, I actually thought I was coming into some calm in my life. I was taking care of home, making play dates for myself and preparing for the single life as an empty nester. Well plans change. For now my plans are on hold but I plan to get back to the original plan.

I spent much of my day to day helping my friend Maria. Things didn't turn out the way she had hoped. She is really down in the dumps. She is a perfect example of "oh ye of little faith". I feel sorry for her because her faith is so weak. But I try to encourage her and let her know that if she would just turn things over to God, everything will be all right. I am okay with the mastsectomy because I believe that God will take care of everything. Ive learned that when the flesh is in control things don't go well, but when I give things over to God, things turn out so much better. We serve a good God! I know that I will have to go through the healing process but I believe I will come out of this thing okay.

When the doctor's office called to schedule the surgery, they told me the first available date was Nov. 24. That almost made me sick because I thought that would just delay me getting back to my plans, possibly put me in the hospital on Thanksgiving day and that in itself would cause anxiety for the family. I told them that was just too long to wait...this waiting thing needs to end so that I can heal and move on with my life...get back to my plans. Thank God they called back with a date of Oct. 29, 2008. I did not tell everyone right away. I needed time to let it all sink in. The doctor told me I could come in to ask questions or just call. I decided I would go see him again and this time Breyen saids she is going to go with me. We'll see.

Pray that there is no cancer in the nodes, that means no chemo, radiation, just a new set of boobs and I will be on my way. My days are long, my nights short, but all is well.

Holla!

Still Waiting

Well, I did not get a call today from either the surgeon or the ob/gyn. One might think that's good news. I could have called today to find out the results of both procedures (breast MRI & DNC), but I didn't. I suppose I really didn't want to know. In a way, each day that I don't know is another day of "normal", just being me. I shared with a friend today, that I didn't know who I would be when this is all done. Sometimes I think I'll be the one titty lady, other times I think as long as I have this cancer that I'm the lady with the tainted titty. When I attended the group thearpy session at the American Cancer Society, after surgery and treatment, they refer to the "new normal".

I have three cousins with breast cancer. Each of them cope differently with it. One of them told me this past weekend to keep my chin up and don't let it get to me. Her attitude is that she is alive and life goes on. The other is older and quiet. And the other one speaks about it but when she does, you can see the pain behind her eyes. I wonder what they see when they see me and talk to me. Well I'm the youngest of three, not that that makes much of a difference except that I have younger children who are traveling the journey beside me. I wonder how did we get breast cancer, is it really a gene? Is it in the food? Is it in the water? Is it in the medicines we take? Who knows. It seems that breast cancer is becoming as common as the common cold. The treatment however is much more drastic.

I think of loosing a body part, a limb and think even that would be difficult. Loosing a breast is like loosing a part of your sexuality, do we become asexual. Ah, now there's a term. We have transexuals, homosexuals, heterosexuals and those born with both sexes. Now breast cancer could create a new breed...asexuals. Yeah I know that seems far fetched but I tell you it goes through your mind. I shared with a male friend that I had breast cancer and he like Tyler said just get rid of both of them, they serve no real purpose anyway. I liked his somewhat objective view and the thought that he would not see me any differently with breast or breast-less is okay with him. Is it okay with me? I wonder what it will be like after surgery. Well all in due time.

My friend Erica said to me today, that she thinks I've been handling this situation exceptionally well. I really don't know if she is right or not. I think I'm handling it for now because I have no choice and because I have not seen the physical difference yet. Also, I more of a realist so there is no running away from it. I haven't shed any tears lately, so in that aspect I guess I'm handling it well. I get very nervous at times when I think about my future or when I think about the next medical procedure. Somestimes I can't eat and other times I want to eat everything....:) I guess that's pretty normal, huh!

Well tomorrow is Wednesday and most doctor's offices are closed on Wed. So, I guess I'll call for the results tomorrow.

Still Waiting...

Whew

The last two days have been grueling. I finally had the Biospy of the uterus. Mom, Babysister and I had to get up around 3:30 AM to get to Good Samaritan Hospital for a 7 AM start time. I picked up Babysister and Mom at about 4:15 AM. We arrived at Good Sam around 4:53 AM. I was registered by Diwana whom I think I recall meeting from a previous visit at the Hospital. I registerd and was taken back to the surgery suite, Mom and Babysister went with me. My nurse's name was Joyce, she had a great personality and she was funny. She kept us laughing. She graduated from Thorton Highschool in Harvey. She shared her highschool memories with us, it was nice because she helped me to relax. I had to get undressed and put on a hospital gown. I'm getting tired of this undressing, it seems my tail and my breast are always hanging out. It makes me want to scream (leave me alone) give me some privacy, I can do it all by self, after all I'm a big girl. But instead I just deal with it. They gave me two pills to swallow which they said would help to prevent nausea from the anesthesia. Then they took me to x-ray for a chest x-ray. It seemed that even the x-ray tech felt for me and my body parts that were hanging out. He tied my gown together for me so that most of me was covered up that is after he had me get out of the top of the gown for the xray. Then back to the waiting area. It was freezing, they gave me heated blankets, but poor Mom and Babysister were freezing. The anesthesologist came to talk to me, he assured me when I woke up I would not be groggy but up and ready to complete my day. My Dr. came in and talked to me, he wanted to make sure I knew why he was doing the Biospy and the DNC. Then the moment can, off to the OR. I remember being wheeled in, they were having trouble guiding the gurney but eventually we made it. They put the gurney next to the OR table and I scouted myself over. The next thing I knew I was in recovery and a nurse was making notes in my chart. I was sitting up. I talked with them for what seemed like 15 or 20 minutes and then I was up and riding in a wheel chair back to my room. Mom and Babysister were missing in action. I sat and watched TV and shortly after they were there. I went to the bathroom, got dressed came back and we went home. One down and one to go. When I got home, I laid down. Tyler made breakfast for me, I was starved. I ate, I slept. Later, Mom wanted me to eat but I was hungry. She tries so hard and I feel like I'm being a difficult patient but I'm doing what I need to to keep we strong mentally and physically. I came out of it okay I guess; I have a hughe bruise on my but, now how they managed that I don't know. I'll just call it after effects of the biospy. My jaw line is extremely sore as well. I suppose while I was out they had tie the oxgen mask relly tight. Important thing is...I'm still here and as my friend Maria would say "still kicking but not high".

The doctor did say he didn't see anything but we will have to wait for the pathology report to confirm that. I'm telling you "menopause really is a bitch" So, I believe all to be well in this area, now back to the breast.

Today we were up at 5 Am so that we could make it to Highland Park Hospital. Mom had prepared breakfast for me. I was a bad patient again. I didn't eat. I wasn't hungry, I don't usually eat that early even if I'm up and eating with a nervous stomach doesn't feel so good, so I didn't eat. I know that I hurt her feelings and I don't mean to, but as I said I have to do what I can for myself to stay strongh and able to deal with these medical procedures. Today I had an another MRI and bisopsy of the breast. It was quite different than what they did before. First I was allowed to get undressed by myself and the gown covered me up. My naked body parts were not hanging out. An IV was started (they had a little trouble finding the vein). The nurse missed the vein on Monday during pre-op blood work and now here again today, theywere fishing around trying to get a vein. They had to use a special needle to track down the vein. Thank God for a high tolerance to pain....still I'm tired of them missing. They then took me into the room where the MRI machine was waiting. I climbed on board. I laid face down with my boobs hanging through a hole on the table. My face was in a cradle, pretty much like on a massage table. There was a mirror beneath the cradle for the face so that I could see what was going on in the room. When they pushed me into the machine, it made me a little dizzy but I just closed my eyes and relaxed. They took a few scans, then they pulled me out. They then shot dye into the IV and pushed me back in for more scans. Then and here's the new part. While on the table, they worked from the side and below the table. They gave me a shot in my breast which numbed the breast. It didn't really hurt, it was a burning and stinging feeling. They then used a needle with a type of vacuum, they cut tissue in the brest and then used the vacuum to suck out the tissue and the blood, they also placed a metal clip in the breast and back into the MRI machine for more scans. It's funny what bothered me most was that my forehead was getting numb from laying face down on the face cradle. Go figure! When it was all done, my breast was bleeding quite a bit. They put pressure on the breast to stop the bleeding. They put a steri -strip over the incision and off to mammography. Yep for a mamograph. They didn't have to squeeze my breast so tight/flat because they have these new digital machines, so no pain. Then I was able to get dressed by myself and I was hungry! We stopped so Mom and Babysister could do a little shopping and then off to Leona's for food. I had a salad and pasta, it was good. I am going to get so fat during this process, well I'll worry about that later. I will get results of both biospy's mid week next week. I just want to be well. I'm tired. And, no doctor appointments next week, yea.

I'm praying for good news. Both of the girls are gone this weekend. The house is quiet but it feels good. I slept most of the evening and that felt good too. I'm going through the motions, it's real but it's not. Gotta go; tired just need to sleep so I get back to normal schedule.

Moving Forward

Well the day for the biospy of the uterus has arrived. I have to be at Good Samaritan Hospital at 5 AM. Father God, I pray that there will be no cancer, and no complications. I'm not afraid, the anxiety has decreased and I think I will be able to sleep atleast until 4 AM. I hope the anesthesia will not make me sick and I hope that I can sleep it off pretty quickly. I need to recover quickly because I am scheduled for another procedure on Friday morning at Highland Park Hospital. Mom and Baby Sister are going with me to both procedures and both will have to get up at the crack of dawn with me. They are the lucky ones and I appreciate their support. So, should know for sure lumpectomy or mastectomy by the end of next week. I pray that my Dr. is correct and that I may be able to get rid of the cancer and keep my breast. Funny how we get attached to body parts! :)

I have had so many dr. appointments, everyone is confused about which procedure, which doctor and when. I keep track of it on my calendar and I take notes in a notebook. I really don't have to write it down, each step is etched into my memory as I continue to ask myself if this is really real.

I'm a bit on the tired so I will go to bed early tonight. I will pray myself to sleep and face the day with renewed strength.

I had a chance to spend some time with Ann on Monday. It was good to see her, we don't get to see her often. She always helps me see things logically. She is another awsome friend. There are so many and I am so thankful. I have no words for Ms. JoAnn, just expressions of love! I spoke with cousin Gwen she's been through a cancer episode herself and understands my faith and my fears. Mom took me grocery shopping today, I'm looking forward to chicken noodle and candy yams and cornbread, yeah buddy looking forward to Mom's home cooking!

I thank God for such a wonderful support system and I appreciate all of the prayers on my behalf. As I move forward, I know that God is my strength, my healer, he controls the hands of the surgeons and treatment from all the other doctors. He will get me through this using the service of my family and friends. We're moving forward and as I go I already have a wonderful testimony to share!

Two procedures in to days, overwhelming but glad to be moving forward toward the "new normal".