I did it better

Yesterday, I paced myself a little better. It was a major adjustment for me, but I must admit I did feel better. I got up and went to the club. Chris and I walked over a mile on the threadmill. Chris went on to do some lifting. Me I ran my mouth and then came home. When I got home I ate and laid down to take a nap. Now yall know that's different for me, I am not a napper. In my past life I would lie down to sleep during the day but sleep would never come. I told Tyler not to let me sleep more than an hour. I laid down and sleep came right away. It felt good. In exactly an hour, the phone rang and woke me up. It was Babysister calling to check on me. She had perfect timing because I did not want to sleep more than an hour. I wanted to challenge myself to continue my day without being completely wiped out. I did good. Babysister is struggling with a cold. I pray that she get's a hughe christmas present....peace! :).

Mom was here on Sunday cooking. I thank God for her, I don't know what I would do without her. I think we both struggle because we try to take care of each other. In my mind I know she wants to help me and will do anything to help me, but I don't want to burden her either. She's had a tough life and I've constantly pray that she will find some peace and happiness in her life. Not only do I want to heal for myself, but I don't want her to have to loose another child in her life time. We are opposites in our approach to things, I look for the positive, she looks for the needed corrections and that challenges our communication but God knows no matter what she is my angel sent from heaven. Love you Mom.

I had some visitors yesterday as well. Buggs came to visit. She is such a sweetheart. She brought me a fruit basket and fruit was so fresh. I don't usually eat a lot of fruit but I've been on the fruit in this basket, esp. the tangerines. Ferlando and Shawna stopped by for a few minutes. I get the impression that it is really hard for them to be around me. As supportive as Ferlando has been and I know he's been through a lot with loosing his dad. I just get the impression it's easier for them to keep some distance between me and them. I can talk to Ferlando on the phone but he seems to have a need to keep the face to face at a minium. For he and Shawna I know it's weird because I've always been the (I don't know the right word) leader in the family. It's funny watching peoples' reactions. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting on the outsides looking in, it's a different perspective. Annie, Diane and Walter came by to visit me to . That Annie I tell you is one of God's special Angels. She's like a sister to me, a cousin, a friend and someone I feel I can share my deepest feelings. Having Diane here was good too, conversating with her is a "knowing". She has been through something similar, I hear her words but I understand , I know what the words are not saying. And to my suprise Walter came to visit He actually asked permission to come visit. I was glad he came to visit. Most men I know are afraid of me now, or let's just say they don't come around. I thank God for the men who have been consistent in relationship and communication with me. Louis is actually one of the men in the sense that he calls to see how I am, Guy Hampton who stops by on his way from work to see if I need anything, Walter, and Rev. Love. It's funny to see how men react overall. But you know I have a couple of female friends who can't handle being around me... I keep telling Anita I'm still me and Delores finally found the courage to come in to say hello. I love all of you!!!

Well off to the club at 5 AM in the morning, then a relaxationg treatment tomorrow night, if the weather holds up. Hopefully I'll get back to the blog before Thursday....next chemo treatment. Pray for a faster recovery this time and shoo away those side effects!

Holla at yall later.

Adjusting

Well I'm still adjusting to this short hair. I like it okay, but the shock-a-zoo-loo's have been loosed! The short hair is so nappy and it's itchy. The hair is extremely dry and hard. It may be the chemo, I don't know. The hair just eats up anything I put on it to moisturize it. I'll adjust.

I started experiencing a new side effect today. My joints are very weak and achy. I called the doctor today to discuss it with him and it seems I may be experiencing a delayed side effect of the the shot given to me the day after chemo to help re-build white cells which help fight infection. So, I pushed forward and went on to the healthclub as the doctor's want me to work out even when I don't feel like it. I met Chris at the club and we worked out together with Alex. Alex is Chris' daughter, she abandoned us after about a half hour. I walked for about a half hour. I did some strecthing, out leg work, buttock work, a little back work and some squats. It was a light workout which is a big adjustment because I'm so used to working out hard. Even though it was a light workout I was exhausted when I got home. I ate when I got home and went directly to couch for a nap. After the nap I had planned to do some house cleaning. I didn't get past washing and folding clothes and cleaning the kitchen until I had to rest again. Yeap you guessed it another adjustment. Tyler did some cleaning today and promised to help me with the tree tomorrow. I plan to go back to the club tomorrow so hopefully I will have the energy.

I'm not working right now and let me tell God knows best. I have talked to a lot of women who work during chemo but I am wiped out. I guess God knew I would need the rest and nooo it's not me being lazy! However, I would like to get strong enough and get this process to under control so that I can work or at least have some energy between treatments. However, I have not lost site of the fact that things could be worst and are indeed worst for others. Rev. Love reminded me of that as he shared some insight to his experience with he encountered during his visit in africa. I had another reminder today as well as I watched Extreme Makeover and all the people they help along the way. And my cousin Frieda reminded me that things are bad but not as bad as they could be.

I cried with Louis today. I told him that although he is not my husband anymore, he is still the father of my children and that I needed his help finacially and with the girls. He gave me hug and told me he would help but just to hang in there until spring. I don't know what that means, he is so non-committal and afraid that I am trying to take advantage of him. The girls are distancing themselves from him a bit because they are disappointed that he hasn't stepped up to help us out more esp. because of the my illness and the fact that I'm not working, and unfortunately he has not stepped up to the plate to help out as much as he could. It's another adjustment for them and for me as I thought he would help us more esp. since he has never paid the judgement in the divorce decree. However, he does call to check on me and trys to keep up with Tyler and her efforts to find a college. I told him today we needed to sit down and figure out how we are going to handle college tuition, but I know that won't happen. Prayerfully God will take care of it.

I will try to work out again tomorrow. Maybe it won't take too much energy. I am going to have to manage my energy level better to make sure I get some things done. And maybe these darn joint aches will be gone. I praying that I can adjust enough to get back on my feet after the next treatment and be on my feet during my off week from chemo.

Adjusting slowly but surely!

Oh, just to let you all know, Ferlando's Dad died on Thursday which was also Ferlando's daughther's birthday as well. Funny, how the dates work out, my grandmother died two years ago on Tyler's Birthday, and the day LaVonte was born. Now Amina's grandfather (Ferlando's dad) died on her birthday. Ferlando is doing okay, focused on getting back to his life and making adjustments to get back on his fee!

I have short hair

Well over the years I've dabbled with cutting my hair shoulder length here and there. Today in preparation for the possibilibty of being bald as a result of chemo, I had it cut short today. Mitzi cut it short. I have a little fluff at the top the back is shaved. I always thought my head was too big for a short cut, but I actually like it. It feels strange and since I can't get a perm the back is not lying down as nicely as it could but what does it matter if it all falls out any who? Short hair is work so I'll will have to run a comb thru it here and there. My scalp is itching a lot now and the right side was a little tender when it was washed, I don't know if this is the first signs of my hair falling out but that remains to be seen. I'm not much worried about though, too many other things to worry about. But hey, I got more new hair today. I went to visit the Breast Cancer Strength Network today with Chris to get a wig. I actually got 4 wigs. There was one human hair wig which everyone advised me to get but I passed it because it needed work and didn't do much for me. I got a red wig and two dark wigs. I can wear the red wig as spring draws near because I always wear my hair lighter in the spring and summer months. The other two I can wear back and forth weekly. But guess what I got a blond Marilyn Monroe wig. I can't wait to be invited to a party so I can put it on with a sassy dress and some high heel shoes! :). I told Chris I will wear when I'm with her. She has decided that I need to wear a leopard dress when I wear it. I can't wait, it should be fun. Tyler and I have decided to give the wigs names, so I'll have to decide which personality will wear which hair, HA!

Chris hung out with me all day. She picked me up from Mitzi's took me to physical thearpy, went to an downtown appointment and to get my wigs. She even took me to the Hard Rock
Cafe for dinner. After feeling so bad from the chemo, it was nice to have such a pleasant day. Tomorrow, I go to Faye's light (A breast Cancer day spa) for a pedicure and facial. I'm also looking forward to that. Then reality sits in. I have to go see the oncologist tomorrow. Hopefully my white and red blood cell counts will be up again. I have a cold and I'm stilling struggle to rid myself of it along with the anti-bioatic the dr gave me yesterday. I have just a little voicek, but hopefully it will be better tomorrow. As much as I dread the effects of the chemo I would like to stay on schedule and get healed. I still have radiation and more surgery to face at some point down the line. See I told you reality. I just pray that there is something that the oncologist can do to help with the neusea. We'll see.

I got Garrett's popcorn today too. Humm, Humm I'm hanging on to that for tomorrow. Gotta go yall need to get my beauty rest. Holla back yall, love to hear from you!

Relief from Chemo Brain

You might wonder what chemo brain is....well it's this fog. My cousin Annie's Mom said it's like being high. Well let me tell you it's not a nice high. It's a funk, a fog, that prevents you from feeling like yourself, from think clearly and from thinking fast. It's just not nice. I guess you can describe it as a bad hang over, though I'm not sure since I've only been hung over once or twice in my life and chemo brain is worst! They tell me that chemo brain will get worse as the treatments go on and will still be hanging out about three months after treatment is completed. I just pray that there is something to help me get this neasea under control and I pray that the port will be less uncomfortable.

I woke up this morning, I had to be at the club at 5 AM. I was a little late but that didn't bother me. It was just important to me that I would be able to get there. I had my clothes laid out so nothing to think about there, I just couldn't get in a hurry. Chemo Brain was in control. I was still a little neuseated and odors were still wrecking havoc with my senses and my stomach. The doctor said we would try something different next time that may allow me to less neaseated. Again the saving grace is that it is temporary but riding the wave makes me feel like it will never end.

At the club this morning I was slow and smiling was a true effort. Erika helped me out some with some special jokes of her own. That always helps. I got some walking in as well, it was hard. Imagine that walking hard for me, someone who likes to run. I guess it's time to re-think this running thing, perhaps after treatment I will look for something else to do. I guess time will tell.

It was a busy day today as are my next couple of days. I had fluid drawn off my back today. That's never fun but a necessary evil. Ah, I suppose it isn't so bad just a prick from the needle after that it's not bad and it feels better once the fluid is drawn off. Babysister and Mom took me out to eat and then we went on to the next appointment. I've been fighting a cold since a day or two before Thanksgiving. I had been lodging up on vitimin C and after chemo the cold was still here. I got an anit-biotic and some cough syrup today so maybe that will help. Then we went on to have prescriptions filled, as usual it was a full day. Later I laid on the couch hoping to catch nap, that didn't work so well. Mom got a little ticked with me today, so she made me dinner and then went home. I think she's learning to be here when I need help and stepping back when I can do a few things on my own. Still the stuff she gets ticked at me about have no real meaning value at least in my mind. Today was something about Wal-mart and their $4 prescriptions. Maybe after chemo brain Ican figure out what that one was really about, I just know it takes too much energy to sweat the small stuff. Later I did manage to get a nap in. Jay came by to check on scrathces in my wood floors. He's good a friend. Mr. Hampton came by to check on me too.

Well Christmas in the Burke house has always been a big affair. Well not this year. Maybe we will celebrate christmas in the summer. For now Christimas will be about celebrating life. I hope my children and family can appreciate that. I have my next chemo treatment on the 18th so maybe by Christmas Day Chemo Brain will free me up and I can enjoy the day without the fog, enjoy my family and the good food.

phoo phoo on Chemo Brain!

The First Chemo Treatment

Well, I've heard all of sorts of horror stories about chemo and after my first treatment I have found that the horror stories are true. Initially I thought my prayers for no side effects had been answered just the way I requested, after all I met a lady during chemo treatment who said she's been on chemo for three years and she's never had a reaction other than loosing her hair.

Well here goes. Mom, Trina and I got to the hospital at 7Am to have the port surgically imported. We waited until 10:30 AM before they got started. I was not put to sleep. I was awake during the entire prep and everything. An IV was put in and of all of the IV's I've had thus far this one was so painful I wanted to knock the nurse out! I was able to talk to the Dr. and nurses during the procedure. They told me that I should not be able to feel anything. It didn't hurt, but I could feel everything. Before they were done, I started to feel some pain. When they finished I was still in pain so they gave me more pain medication. Of course, you know from my experience with pain medication during my hospital stay after the mastsectomy it made me sick. Well after having the IV taken out, we headed over to the the Dr.'s office to receive chemo around 2 PM. There were no chairs available when I first got there and I was hungry (I hadn't eaten since before midnight the day before). The Dr. took me into the office break room and fed me baked chicken and a casear salad. Once a chair was available they hooked up a bag of a anti-neasea medication to my port. Once that was completed, they hooked up a another bag of a different anti neausea medication. Then they started with the first chemo drug. They had to push it from a huge syringe but very slowly. It took about 15 minutes. Finally, they added another chemo medication that dripped from a bag. The whole process took about an hour and a half. When I was done I was told to call if I have a fever of 100.5 or more.

We left and I headed for home, I ate and went to the health club. It was a long and tiring day. Friday came and I was feeling fine. Tyler and Louis left around 1 PM to go to IL State. Breyen came home from work for a while. Annie came by, she went to Chile's and brought food back. We sat in the kitchen and had a nice quiet dinner. Annie left around 9 PM. I actually started to feel different around that time, but I just got myself ready for bed and went to sleep. When I woke up on Sat. mornining, I felt like a MAC Truck had hit me. I was so fatiqued and neuseated that I could hardly move. I can't remember much either. I know that Mom was here and I thank God for that. I hate to see her sitting up watching me, I know this has to be hard on her but I am so thankful that she is here. Mom came right in starting cooking because she wants to make sure I eat, the smell of the food made me so sick I wanted to cry. I begged Mom to stop. She did of course as she had no idea that the smell of the food would make me sick. Then she tried lighting a candle to burn off the odor and sitting vinegar and water in a bowl in my room. I suppose it helped some but it was rough. I don't remember if i ate more than crackers, but Sunday I felt a little better. I was able to get out of bed something I didn't do on Sat. Trina came by to sit with me so that Mom could go home and get some rest. I don't know what I would have done without them. Darlene and Danan came by to visit, that helped get my mind off of feeling so bad. Several people called, I didn't have much strength to talk but it was good to know that they were thinking of me. Angie sorry I couldn't give you better news about the the neusea. Breyen went out, I guess she just couldn't stand watching me be so weak. Trina baked me a potatoe and I was able to eat that. In fact, it tasted good to me. I was able to sit on the couch most of the day which was a tremendous improvement. Tyler came home on Sunday morning, she slept most of the day, hard on her too; I know! I pray that it's not this bad everytime. Maybe it was rough this time because I had a cold, I got the port and I got chemo all at once. Today (Monday) was better still. Annie called several times to check on me. She had her friend talk to me who went through this treatment as well. It was very helpful. Now I know I will probably continue to be sensitive to smells. Well just keep praying as am I. One down 7 to go. The next chemo treatment is Dec. 18. Hopefully I will feel well by Christmas day. I continue to be encouraged and praying for complete healing!

Tomorrow is the First Day of Chemo

Well, here comes step #2...Chemo every two weeks for 16 weeks. I'm headed to the hospital at 7Am tomorrow to have a port put in my chest that will all chemo to enter the body through a large vein. The port will remain in place throughout chemo and a few months beyond that. I'm praying that I will not be adversely affected by all of the side effects and I hope I can keep some hair until I get a wig, if not a hat will do. I spent my last day with out chemo getting my teeth cleaned. The doctors don't want me to have my teeth cleaned during chemol. I also had a relaxation thearpy session today and it was wonderful! From there I went to physical thearpy which is always good. Then on to my cancer support group. The ladies in the group are all very wonderful and it's nice to openly share our feelings, thoughts and experiences. From there I came home to prepare my bag for tomorrow.

I'm all good. I'm not nervous or anything just wanting to get started so that I can get all of this behind me. Standing in faith and God willing all will be well.

It Is What It Is

I think I'm getting it. This Cancer thing is what it is. My focus is on survival now. There are many side effects and scars both mentally and physically, but "it is what it is". It could be worst. I have met so many survivors and I want and plan to be in that number. I am going to work on stepping back. There are so many things going on around me that distract me from focusing on healing. Breyen is always a distraction in one way or another, Tyler getting into college with some type of scholarship is another distraction, and getting the girls to step up to plate to keep the house clean and neat is another distraction. However, now that I am getting stronger I can do a lot of clean up myself, but I still find it frustrating that I have to pick up behind them. Sometimes, I think, wow, when they are both gone I can clean my house and keep it clean. People tell me to close door, I've tried it just doesn't work for me. It's a small thing in the scheme of things so I have to step back, My Mom is so worried about me and super emotional, I have to step back from that too. I've been trying to manage her worries and do things to keep her happy. I have to step back. I have to step up and stand firm in my faith that God will not give me more than I can bear and that he will heal me. My focus is to become dogmatic in that thinking. I will pray for the girls and for Mom that God will hold them up give them what they need. So that's where I am for now...stepping back, steping up and realizing "it is what it is".

Tyler and I went to NIU this past weekend on an official recruiting visit. Interesting! I think Tyler learned a lot and so did I. I think they have a wonderful academic program. I didn't realize it was so close. It was my first trip away from home since surgery. It went well. I missed my physical thearpy appointment because traffic was so bad on the way back due the our first snowfall for this cold weather season. Tyler goes to Il State this weekend. She will go with Louis because I am suppose to start chemo on Thursday (I'll get back to that in a minute).

I went to Church last Sunday. It felt good to be there, but it also felt surreal. I hope that chemo will allow me to get back. I will have chemo on Thursday's so the weekend is considered wipe out days. We shall see what my body decides to do.

I've been going to physical thearpy and the thearpist is wonderful. I've only seen her twice and I've made so much progress. The range of motion in my arm is almost back to normal. She is also teaching me how to work out at a certain target rate, as it is expected that I will workout everyday even during chemo, except of course on what they call wipe out days. It's great for me because I love to work out and hopefully it will help me manage this wait I've gained. In addition the thearpist strecthes the skin around my scar and that feeling amazingly good. She has also given me a technique to slow down the fluid build up on my back which is wonderful. When the fluid is on my back I'm stiff and sore. I went to see the plastic surgeon today and he drained a small amount of fluid from my back, nothing like the huge tube he drew off my back. Hopefully it will stop completely soon. The Dr. thinks one more visit to check for fluid should do it and then he will release me until after Chemo and radiation at which time I will go back for more surgery to complete the reconstuction.

Tomorrow is my last day before the first day of chemo. Atleast that was what was planned. However there is now a possibility that that won't happen. The last blood work I had indicated that my red blood cell count is still down, iron levels are low and on top of all of that, I have a cold. I've been working on the cold with vitimin C, it's getting better. Either way I will have minor surgery on Thursday to put the port in for chemo (another scar!). So we shall see.

Tomorrow is a busy day, I get my teeth cleaned, I go in for relaxation thearpy, I have physical thearpy, I have a possible dinner date, and a support group meeting. If chemo does happen maybe I'll be tired enough to sleep through it.