I ran today

Today in physical thearpy I was given the clearance to run on the treadmill. I was so excited. I got on the treadmill and ran in intervals. I ran for one minute and walked for three for twenty minutes. I really felt good and came right on time because I have gained ten pounds since chemo started. I hate being heavy, I feel so uncomfortable. I know, I know I need the weight for the chemo and I will not diet but I will try to get back in the gym on a daily basis on my off chemo weeks. I am too excited. I have three chemo treatments to go. Pray that the cancer cells are all gone. I guess we will start talking about radiation soon. I will probably have to have 25 to 30 zaps. Pray for no damage, yep even that can cause ugly side effects.

I have decided to start fighting small battles with the girls to get them to get things done around the house, but it is stressful so I need to be careful because my health comes first. Breyen hopefully will be back in school next week. Tyler is now being recruited by U of I and still she is not satisfied. Pray for her, so many kids would love to be in her spot. Money is really the issue here and the schools that are recruiting her are good schools. Wish I could be so luck with finding and getting a good paying job and excellent health!

I went to visit Tyra today. She is so beautiful and funny. She had surgery last week and is at home healing. It was nice to be able to visit someone else. It will be even better when I can get back on my feet and give back to all those who have been so supportive of me.

I felt really good today. Thank you Jesus!

Holla

Six Days later

It's six days out since my last chemo. This one was not so bad and I am feeling encouraged. I prayed for no side effects. I did have a few but in comparison to what to the side efffects I've experienced over the last couple of months this was a breeze. I'm prayerful that it will remain this way. I did have a cold this time and had to be on an anit-biotic so I stayed in most of the week. Unfortunately I had to go into the club on Thursday night. It was really hard to be there because I really didn't feel well. I was cold and feeling week, but I managed. I came straigt in and went to bed. I'm not sure if it was the cold that had me feeling weak and fatigue or if it was the chemo. I did have IV fluids the day after chemo but I ate good and was able to get fluids down this week. It was gud!

Tyler had a track meet this week, she could not run though because she has a conconsion. She almost knocked herself out when she stood up at school and hit her head on the locker. I am looking for forward to seeing her run this year and praying that she has another successful year. I love to see her run. Hopefully I will make the first official indoor track meet. Three more treatments to go and I will be able to be at all of the outdoor meets.

I do realize that I am truly blessed, things could be worst. And all of you who read the blog, those who don't or don't even know about itl...you have all been a blessing...how do I say Thank you except to say Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't how I could ever give you all what you have given me, love, support, it's awesome and overwhelming!

I plan to start getting my resume out starting the first of month. Given this last chemo treatment I am feeling like I can get back to work. I definitely need to get back that's for sure. I told Tyler we have to start planning dates to shop for Prom and maybe visit a few collages. Sitting on the couch everyday is a drag and the walls close in so I need to be more focused and productive. I pray that God will inject her with some endorphins that will allow her to laugh like she used to, to silly and funny which is so her brings me so much joy. I pray she can get excited about college and start looking forward to college life.

Mom keeps the house clean and meals cooked. She's angry with the girls for not doing more. She doesn't have any faith in my children which disappoints me because that makes me feel that she has not faith in me. Children today are tough and I want the best for both of them and keep them in prayer. These are tough times for us and I wish I could help my Mom put on a positive face (have a positive attitude) but it's not her disposition. I've struggled with her negative outlook most of my life. I think I've moved beyond it and will try to be positive for all of us.

I continue to be encouraged, keep praying. I go to the doctor tomorrow, let ya know how it goes.

Holla!

Chemo today

I had my fifth chemo treatment today. The chemo was with the single drug, it took about 5 hours. First I received an anti neusea drug, that tooke about half hour. Then I received a steroid and benadryl. That benadryl made me so sleepy, I tried to fight it but I couldn't so I slept much of the time that I was receiving the chemo. It's Monday night and so far I'm doing ok. My mouth is dry and food tastes funny but so far so good....no neusea. Pray that it continues that way and that I get no bone pain. I go back in tomorrow for hydration that will take about two hours.

Mom took me to chemo but it wasn't pleasant because she's mad at me again. I guess she's really mad, she blew the horn for me this morning, she did not get out of the car until I beckened her in. She didn't talk to me except where absolutely necessary and when she picked me up I got the same. She dropped me of, she did not come in, she saw Breyen's car in the drive way and said Breyen should be able to fix you something to eat. I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY MOTHER!!!! I had a lot of anxiety today about this new chemo drug and could not believe I had mom's behavior/anger to deal with as well. I just don't have the energy. I have to focus on getting well and not sweating the small stuff. I love my mother and will continue to pray for her, for us.

I'll let you know how it goes over the next couple of days!

Holla!

Chemo Number Five

Well tomorrow is another chemo day. I'm not looking forward to it, but I can tick another one off the calendar. Tomorrow is the first chemo with the single chemo drug. It's suppose to be less neuseating. I certainly hope so. I am praying for no side effects. I started feeling better Thursday from the last treatment so I've had five pretty good days. Chris and Sandra took me out to lunch on Friday. It was nice to get out be around normal folks. Annie and Darlene took me out Friday night and that was nice we talked and had a few good laughs. Yesterday I took Tyler up north to do some shopping for her birthday. She wants to get a tatoo for her birthday, so she will be the first to get her "God Heals Tattoo. Hopefully I will recover enough from this chemo treatment to take her next week. Actually today, Feb 1, is Tyler's 18th birthday. Both of my babies have grown up. I went over to Mom's today to watch the Superbowl with Ferlando and Nona. We had so much fun. Breyen, Trina, Shawna and Tyler came through as well. The girls love Larry Fitzgerald's booty (Arizona) :).

Yall just keep praying! Holla back at yall shortly!

My Biggest Fear

Most of my life and the prayers said in my life included asking God to allow me and my loved ones to be disease free and specifically cancer free. Well I'm living my biggest fear and I do want to live, but I have to tell you that this week I just felt like giving up. I have had so much support, I really don't want to give up on myself or those that love and support me, but I am tired of being sick. The chemo keeps me so nauseated and sick and I'm just tired of being sick. I guess I should say I'm sick and tired of being sick. The walls in the house are closing in no room feels good. I feel like I have no purpose. I'm a burden to Mom and I represent fear and abandonment to my children. I'm trying I swear I am but this is hard. I can't even put it in words. I'm mad at myself for being so weak. People around me say that I've been really strong and handling this well. I don't know what they see cause it's not what I'm feeling. I had my last chemo treatment 8 days ago and today my stomach is still flopping. I had a bowel movement today that was just full of chemo, the smell was the same as the taste in my mouth. Yuk I've gotten really mental, I hate going to the doctor because it just represents more sickness. I know it's suppose to be for a cure but I'm beginning to wonder is it worth it. I want my life back but I can't see the light at the end of he tunnel. Even if i get past this there's he knowledge that breast cancer can re-occur and even if I make it through can I do it a second time? I know there are many women out there that have survived and I want to be in that number, I just hope I'm strong enough to get there. I'm still pushing, still trying, but I'm just one big tear drop right now. Even the doctor looks at me with sadness in his eyes, he's used everything in his arsenal to help with neusea; nothing has worked. I have heartburn, indigestion and very little sits well in my stomach. I keep eating though, for the first time since I started this I lost weight. They, who is they...the doctors, nurses, etc. tell me the next four treatments may not be as bad. I have no faith in what they say. Each time they give me the 1 in 1000, I'm he one! I'm trying to remember what Mel told me about living for today because tomorrow is not promised, despite me having Cancer or anyone else. Right now though I just feel like a failure, it seems as it as been implied that I am a wuss when it comes to chemo, I think I've failed my children (I did try to be a good mother), I've failed at my career...I could just scream because I know that I have truly been blessed, I'm so much better off than others and I know things could be worst, but it just doesn't make me feel better at this moment. I think God is even mad at me for being so weak but I don't know any other way to handle it at this point. I could go on and on about what's inside and it cannot come out in words I can only shed the tears. Well JoAnne I had my thirty minute pity party today :). Let's hope I don't have a hang over tomorrow.

Holla

Four Down and Four to Go

I keep telling myself that each chemo treatment will get better. In some ways I guess it does because I try to positive about it. In reality they're just tough. I watch and talk to other patients who do not have the problems with neusea and dryness that I have and I keep thinking it will get better. Well I have four treatments behind me and four to go. The next chemo is Taxol and so I will have to wait to see how this effects me. I'm praying for healing and relief and of course constantly healing for no side effects.

I thought this morning that he most difficult job I've ever had parenting. I thought for a moment that this experience with breast cancer tops it all, but it actually does not. Parenting is still harder but this experience is a close second.

I didn't make it to the club this time, I was on my butt. I think will have to plan for that until this is done.

Not much more to say at this point. Mom's been keeping me fed and takes me back and forth to chemo and hydration. She's still frustruated with the girls and doesn't have very many nice things to say to them. It hurts but I just try to remain calm and use my energy to through chemo.

Talk at cha later!

I went to Church today

I pulled my courage together after Tyler looked at me like I was crazy for my reason for not going to church. I'm glad I went, it felt good and I felt good. Rev and Carolyn are going to the Inaugration, so exciting. I can remember the Civil Rights movement and how hard it was on blacks so I could not imagine that I would see anyone of any race or gender than white and male. With all of the excitment over the movement that will officially put a black man in office two days from now, personally there was a damper on it. On Nov. 4 I was recovering from surgery and had unpleasant words with my mother and on Tues. when he IngAugration takes place I will be sitting in an chemo chair. The upside to that of curse is the being cured of breast cancer. I think Non Violent Martin Luther King would have liked No Drama Obama. I ask Rev to bring me a picture of he and Carolyn, they always look so good together and I know on that day they will look like royalty and I'm looking forward to putting that in my scrap book.

Later today, I went to a birthday brunch for JoAnne's 50th birthday. The food was good and he company even better. But I have to tell you I had the bigges laugh. I was talking to my friend Joyce and I was laughing at somehing she said. I put my head back and laughed off flew my wig. I was shocked, I put my hand over my head and I whispered to Joyce " My hair is on the floor". It was hilarious. Joyce had not even noticed it until I whispered to her. She recovered quickly and told me to get behind her to pick up. I got behind her and picked it up. I put it back on my head really quickly. And then the Ms. JoAnne the birthday girl comes up and saids "girl you need to take a trip to bathroom and comb your hair. By that time Tyler looked at me and I told her what happened. She said thank God I didn't see it fall because I would have hollered. We all had a good laugh, probably the best laugh I've had since this all started. I'm glad I was with friends and that we could all laugh. Well Rev. I guess the hair looks okay, I just need to learn to keep the hair on my head.

Well tomorrow is chemo #4. Holla at yall tomorrow!