Tomorrow is chemo treatment 7

Well I am not looking forward to tomorrow's treatment, yet I don't want to have it put off for any reasaon. I will have one more to go after tomorrow. I have to give my anxiety to God. I am praying that neuropathy does not get worst. It has been pretty bad all day today. I managed to be productive inspite of it. I cooked dinner and even baked a cake even though I felt like jumping out of my skin. In addition my shoulder has started bothering me again. My rotator cuff was irratated before all of this started and it's back to no good again. Oh well, the pain in my shoulder gets mixed in with the pain from the neuropathy.

Life goes on. Tyler had a track meet this weekend. She did well. I worked out a little and Pee
Wee's girls were here visiting for the weekend.

I talked with Mom briefly, still not smooth communication. I will keep praying for her and for me because I truly angry and hurt. But that is not my focus. I have to focus in me remaining stress free and healing. Annie came to visit me this weekend, that's always pleasant she is such a wonderful person. Babysister called today to see how I'm doing she reminds me to be focused on getting well and that the time is winding down to chemo #8, the last one. Clara called we talked for a while about our lives. Ferlando came by to finish up some work on the computer. I prayed a lot today...I'll keep praying. Got word today that one of my friends has a rare type of cancer and will be going through chemo. I can only pray.

Holla

Depressed

I've not been very productive this week. I have been laying around doing nothing. I see lots of things that need to be done, but I don't have the umph to get up to get anything done. I need to mop floor, file papers and give the bathrooms a good cleaning. The girls wipe at stuff but don't really clean. I fussed at the girls tonight because their priorities are not at home but rather else where or so it seems to me. I ask at the beginning of the day for the house to be cleaned and at midnight still nothing done. I'm trying not to use my energy fussing esp since it seems to bring on the tingling. I think I'm really depressed because I did so well with the last chemo treatment. I had prayed for no symptoms and my prayer was answere. The symtons I had I didn't even know were symptoms (side effects). I continue to pray for no side effects. I am hoping and praying tha these last two treaments will not be so bad. I'm trying to suck it up,; the tingling gets so bad that it becomes painful. I know I know it could be worst and tonight I sat in my bed trying to remain calm realaxed until it passed. I pray that it doesn't get worst next week when I go back for the next treatment because I'll probably wound up on some medication that knocks me out and does not allow me to be up and about. This tingling makes me react like a junkie going through withdrawal. But tonight I sucked it up. It seems to get really bad at night, it's not so bad during the day.

I talked to Tee today. Larry had his surgery. He was scheduled to come home today. I will have to check on her because Larry is not a good patient. I'm probably not either esp not now with the ting ting tingling!!!!! Well I'm working on getting out of this depressiive state...Pray for me! I'm praying for us all.

Holla

Oh My God

OMG that's all I could utter tonight. The tingling and burning (neuropathy) is making me feel like I could just jump out of my skin or run in front of truck to take me out of my misery. The neusea was bad and this, this is just as bad. Different but just as bad. I spent time on the internet today looking for information on how to get relief from this. I found several studies with indications that Acetpel L Carnitine has been proven to help, vitamin B6, vitamin E, Tylenol, percoset, vicadin, a positive attitude, laughter, socializing and prayer. I have the Carnitine hoping it will kick in soon, taking vitamin E and rubbin vitamin E on my feet and hands, the other stuff puts me to sleep so I can't function with it during the day. I guess it doesn't matter since I can't seem to function when the tingling hits anyway. I have two more chemo treatments to go. I know God won't give more than I bear, but I am praying for relief. I feel like a crazy person, like I'm going out of my mind. According to my research it will get worse with each treatment. I recall that he doctor said that the body's first reaction would remain about the same....WRONG!! I don't know if he said that to encourage me, decrease my anxiety or if he out right lied or just doesn't know any better. Or I guess it could be as it has been through this treatment, I'm the 1 in 100 that gets whacked. Taking a shower brings it on even more, so I make the shower quick and then hold on for dear life! Pray of me.


I saw Mom today at the club. I was amazed that she brought her friends over to meet me. They were very encouraging telling me that they had me on various prayer lists for which I am grateful and I thanked them. I realized at that moment that I am angry at my mother, her treatment and the things she said to me over weekend hit hard. However, I quickly realized that I can't afford the energy for anger. I put the love for my mother out in front, I forgive her and I forgive myself. I've prayed about it and now I will be still.

I got a call from recruiters today. I was really feeling encouraged. They want me to go on an interview. I know I can do the job, but oh my God with this tingling I'm not so sure I can work and yet I desparately need to work. I'm watching Oprah's show highligthing injured soldiers and I realize I am so blessed and yet it's still hard getting through the chemo side effects.

Praying for relief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holla

Neuropathy is no fun

Today I neuropathy (tingling, burning and itching) in my hands and feet. It made me feel like I wanted to jump out of my skin or run into a wall and knock myself out. I thank God I did have a break for one treatment but after the neuropathy, the bone pain, the muscle pain and the fatigue I have anxiety about the last two. I just keep praying that God will see me through to complete healing. I felt so icky today I had to come in and take a show and lay myself down. I had to relax so that the neuropathy would not drive me out of my mind.

PeeWee left today. I enjoyed her being here. We just had a leisure day. I know she was tired after working with her husband and in-laws making funeral arrangements and attending services before coming here. I'm happy she came to celebrate my birthday on the heels of a sad occassion. And, I have not seen her since all of the breast cancer stuff started.

I got a call today for a job interview and I want and need to get back to work, so hopefully the timing of everything will work out. I hope radiation will allow me to work. I will have to find money for another interview suit because the steriod they have me on has put 12 pounds on me. I stay in sweats because all of my cllothes are tight or too small. I am going to have a lot of work to do to get back into my clothes. Oh well.

I have physical therapy tomorrow, I hope all of the pain is gone because I know I will have to run on the treadmill. I pray the neuropathy is gone....forever!!!!

Holla

My 50th Birthday

Well when I woke up this morning I was feeling pretty good. But that was spoiled because I had words with my Mom. By now I should know to just be quiet and listen, but I responded and things did not, go well. What a way to start my birthday. I don't think my mother ever plans to speak to me again. It hurts as much as having cancer itself, except I just don't know how to fix it. Who would have thought that my mother and I would would wind up at odds during all of this. Well just pray we can both find a comfortable spot for all of this and that I can continue to heal both mentally and physicially. Just praying that the rest of the day goes better.

Well the rest of the day went well considering that my Mom and I could not resolve our differences. We just srcreamed at each other and pointed fingers for our failures at communicating and understanding each other. I can only pray. It's hard to be abandoned by a mother period and even harder when you are going through some things and don't have your health. But I gave it to it to God and went on to enjoy the rest of my day.

PeeWee came into town and spent the night and today we went to Villa De Bruno's for brunch. A lot of my friends were there. JoAnne, Annie and PeeWee made the plans and it was good to see everyone that came out to celeberate my fifith birthday. Thank you JoAnne, Annie, PeeWee, Babysister, Joyce, Darlene, Ferlando, Maria, Ariel, Katrina, LaShawna, Mel, Tyler and Ferlando Thank you for coming out, it meant a lot. Maria and Ariel came back to the house and we played "Catch My Drift" it was a lot of fun. Breyen was MIA most of the day, but she was here this evening. Thanks everyone for the cards, calls and gifts.

Fifty, wow I've joined a new dedcade, the fifties club and my AARP card was right on time :).

"All things are possible through Christ Jesus" Remaining prayerful!

Today was a good day!
Holla

Tomorrow is my Birthday

Well, tomorrow is my 50th birthday. I will spend the day with family and friends and that does my heart good. It's not what I envisioned but I'm thanking God for it. The only downer is that my mother has decided that she does not want to participant or have anything to do with the plans for my 50th birthday celebration. She's mad at me again. It's just too much. This time she's angry because she thinks I choose to go see Madea goes to jail with my friends rather than with her. Had she given me a chance before she slammed and walked out the house I was trying to tell her we could go see it and I could still go back on my birthday. I knew JoAnne and Annie were trying to plan something. Everyone has been asking what I want for my birthday and I told everyone I really just want my health. Besides that I was so sick on Friday and I was in soooo much pain I couldn't get out of the bed other than to go to the bathroom and wound up in bed until today. I'm just starting to feel better today. No matter that Mom won't be there tomorrow; she has to do what she needs to do to take care of herself and I will always love and appreciate her but I can't continue to use energy, sweating the small stuff. It's too hard and this treatment for this disease zaps much of my strength mentally and physically so there's not much left for other stuff. I have to keep strength for the girls and fiances to try to keep a roof over my head and get Tyler off to college. She was accepted to Hampton today and she is extremely happy about that!

This wipe out as a result of this chemo treatment surprised me. I did so well last time and I think I assumed that this one would be easy too, so when the pain and fatigue hit I was caught off guard. I didn't do hydration this week and that may be why I got hit so hard, or it may just be that the next two are going to be just as hard; I don't know. As more of this junk gets into your system the worst it gets. I have two more treatments to go before radiation just keep praying for no side effects. I have been exercising, it's painful and hard and yet it feels good. Bone pain, muscle pain and Joint pain and neuropathy...some combination and in addition my white blood cell count was down so I had a shot of neulasta which also cause joint and muscle pain. I could hardly walk, but I tried not to let anyone know that. I told Chris and she continued to encourage me to workout which really does help. Thanks Chris for hanging in there with me.

PeeWee is here; she's staying with me. I'm worried because I love it when people come to stay with me but I hate to see the go. I never understood until now; but my Dad used to always tell me that he loved to see me come but he hated for me to leave. Now I know exactly what he meant and how he felt.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'll spruce up a bit put on some hair and makeup and enjoy the day. I love you all!

Holla

Sitting in the Chemo Chair #6

Well as most of you know the last chemo treatment went well with the exception that I had a cold. Today was I sat in the chemo chair for treatment #6. Six down and two to go. The treatment made me sleepy because it is given with a hugh amount of intervenous benadryl. I did manage to get my lunch in before it knocked me out. Mom came to pick me up and we then picked up Ferlando. I can in and managed to prepare dinner with Tyler's assistance. Bree checked out on us after she got in from class. Ferlando came back over and work on our computer and ate dinner with us. That is after I managed to get myself out of bed. This treatment did make my stocmach a little queasy. It made me feel like I had to move my bowels diahearra style but it didn't happen. Also, I have to go in tomorrow to get a neulasta shot because my white blood cell count is down. I was disappointed about that because neulasta causes joint pain. Taxol cause bone pain, muscle pain and neuropathy. Mixing these two drugs together may not be any fun. I'm continue to pray for no side effects. I was feeling so good after getting over the cold I had with last treatment, so you know I really did not want to go sit in that chemo chair today.

I spoke with an Inidan women who set next to me today. She was so upset because she had six chemo treatments and they did not work and they were now going to do a CT scan of the brain and continue her on chemo. I told her that I would pray for her and I did just that. It is so heart wrecking because from personal experience, I do know that it is hard. It's hard to go through and it's hard to watch anyone else go through. I pray that the chemo is working for me, I don't even want to begin to think about what having to continue with chemo would do to me mentally and physically. So just pray. I am praying for Tee, she is the care taken for her other half who is having surgery on Friday. I hope all goes well.

oh, yeah, I am growing peach fuzz on my head and hair under my arms. Get this the peach fuzz on my head is gray, imagine that! Well Buggs and Dar I may be joining you with that beautiful salt and pepper hair. See I really am in the family!

Oh yeah, Happy Valentineseveryone. I hope you had a good day. I attended a Mother's Informing Mother Valentine breakfast. It was a nice opportunity to fellowship with other mother's and share encouraging words. I purchase a shirt for myself, I had to get a medium, who never had to have a meduium shirt and now I'm gaining weight and don't even want to think about getting into another pair of pants other than a pair of sweats! Exericse I need you, chemo I need to be finished with you so that I can cut back on eating and get my body back together.

I plan to start putting resumes out at the begining of March, I need to get back to work. Dr. said if I do well on next treatment he will release me to work. Yea! Well I have to get up at 4 AM so Holla Yall