Disconbobulated

I am so overwhelmed. There's so much going on. I am fighting neuropathy so much so that I think I almost overdosed on pain medication yestersday. There is so much going through my mind that I have been unable to write in the blog. I decided to attempt to write tonight so I'm not sure how it will all come out or even if it can come out. Tyler made me realize how much folks depend on me. I had already noticed that Louis calls me to get things done where the girls are concerned. I always wonder to myself why he gives things to me to get done, I have enough to do and think about. Tyler let me know that I abondoned her in her college application process. She is so overwhelmed because I haven't been doing the things I've always done for her, she was sitting back waitin. g for me to make things happen. Because I was not making them happen she is depressed. I guess I spoiled her because I raised her and did most things for her. I know that Darlene and PeeWee hear these words and understand completely. Well I'm guilty for making things happen and my illness has gotten in the way...put a speed bump in the road. I'm disappointed too because I watched Breyen give up on her talents and now she floating around trying to figure something out but she doesn't know what. Mom has always depended on me too and in some ways I feel like I let her down. I was trying to help her during my illness and we have all enabled her negative ways and yet we don't like it when it's aimed at us. I've had to push back because I get hurt and it's too over whelming for me to handle or enable right now. Ferlando had surgery and had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, hopefully she's nurturing him right now and it will be enough to hold her for awhile. See I said this would be disconbobulating.

My last chemo is on Monday. Yea but I still have to get through the side effects. I guess I need to get over this stuff so I can get back into the grove in everyway. No rest for the weary.

I went to physical thearpy today. We tried something new for he neurpathy and it seems to have worked. My physivcal thearpist is wonderful. She's a breast cancer survivior and can truly relate. I worked with Delores today. It felt good. I felt like I had a purpose. Tyler had a track meet tonight, she didn't do well and that didn't help her mental state. I can only continue to pray for my children. Continue to pray for me.

I'm going to stop now, I have so much bottled up and it isn't allowing me to put it in writing very well tonight. What can a girl do....I'm also fat, gaining weight from the steroid and feeling very depressed about that.

Enjoying my days on this side of the dirt.

Holla

Wipe out started last night. The neuropathy set in, I started having chills and started feeling fatigued. I'm glad that I was able to fine someone to cover for me at the club. Today is Ferlando's birthday. When I got up I was feeling well, I was encouraged. And, then it hit, the neuropathy was so bad at one point that I wanted to cry. I took some pain medication and laid my booty down around 10 this morning and I'm still on my back (4:47 PM). The wipe out has expanded to include a headache, bone pain and muscle and my heart is racing. The weather was beautiful today but I didn't get out to enjoy it. Hopefully I'll get out to enjoy days as spring gets closer and he weather remains stable.

I've been working on organizing my drawers at home. I'm trying to teach myself to focus again. It's hard for me to read for long periods or time or stay focused on anythng for long periods of time. I plan to try reading a short book soon. I have not been working out as much as I would like because the neuropathy has been driving me crazy. I really need to work out, the steroid they are giving me with this chemo drug is making me FAT. I hate it, all that work to get and keep my weight down is down the drain. Even my work out clothes are snug. However, I do realize the the more important thing is that I am here!

Mom has been coming over and calling everyday. It's hard for her. I hope she can adjust and focus on getting back to her life.

Hopefully radiation will not be hard on me, continuing praying!






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Seven Down and One to Go

Today was my 7th chemo treatment. Much of the time at the doctor's office today was spent talking about ways of finding relief for neuropathy. Yeah just like everything else the side of effects of this chemo is kicking my butt. The nurse practictioner thougth that I should not have to have radiagtion. However, I told her that the doctor indicated because of the size of the tumor, I would have to have radiation. It would be nice if I did not have to have. I still have a lot of things yet to consider, more lymp node removal, historectomy or not, tamoxifen or arimadex, completion of breast reconstruction. However getting over this chemo mild stone is very encouraging.

Breyen took me to chemo this morning. Tyler had track practice. The two of them called me while I was in the chemo chair arguing about who got to drive my car today. I told them both I could deal with the issue. Folks just don't get it, I have to work on keeping my stress level down. I told them to keep the car situation as it was and texted Louis to deal with them and the issue. The benadryl put me to sleep and when Tyler picked up I came in and ate and went to sleep. Mom came by this evening. I was very groggy and didn't talk to her much. She wanted to know how I was doing. I told her fine. I hesitate to get into any conversation as it may become a argument and end in her calling me a liar. At any rate I'm just focusing on keeping my stress level down.

I have to be at the club at 5 Am...So holla yall I have to get some More sleep :).

Tomorrow is chemo treatment 7

Well I am not looking forward to tomorrow's treatment, yet I don't want to have it put off for any reasaon. I will have one more to go after tomorrow. I have to give my anxiety to God. I am praying that neuropathy does not get worst. It has been pretty bad all day today. I managed to be productive inspite of it. I cooked dinner and even baked a cake even though I felt like jumping out of my skin. In addition my shoulder has started bothering me again. My rotator cuff was irratated before all of this started and it's back to no good again. Oh well, the pain in my shoulder gets mixed in with the pain from the neuropathy.

Life goes on. Tyler had a track meet this weekend. She did well. I worked out a little and Pee
Wee's girls were here visiting for the weekend.

I talked with Mom briefly, still not smooth communication. I will keep praying for her and for me because I truly angry and hurt. But that is not my focus. I have to focus in me remaining stress free and healing. Annie came to visit me this weekend, that's always pleasant she is such a wonderful person. Babysister called today to see how I'm doing she reminds me to be focused on getting well and that the time is winding down to chemo #8, the last one. Clara called we talked for a while about our lives. Ferlando came by to finish up some work on the computer. I prayed a lot today...I'll keep praying. Got word today that one of my friends has a rare type of cancer and will be going through chemo. I can only pray.

Holla

Depressed

I've not been very productive this week. I have been laying around doing nothing. I see lots of things that need to be done, but I don't have the umph to get up to get anything done. I need to mop floor, file papers and give the bathrooms a good cleaning. The girls wipe at stuff but don't really clean. I fussed at the girls tonight because their priorities are not at home but rather else where or so it seems to me. I ask at the beginning of the day for the house to be cleaned and at midnight still nothing done. I'm trying not to use my energy fussing esp since it seems to bring on the tingling. I think I'm really depressed because I did so well with the last chemo treatment. I had prayed for no symptoms and my prayer was answere. The symtons I had I didn't even know were symptoms (side effects). I continue to pray for no side effects. I am hoping and praying tha these last two treaments will not be so bad. I'm trying to suck it up,; the tingling gets so bad that it becomes painful. I know I know it could be worst and tonight I sat in my bed trying to remain calm realaxed until it passed. I pray that it doesn't get worst next week when I go back for the next treatment because I'll probably wound up on some medication that knocks me out and does not allow me to be up and about. This tingling makes me react like a junkie going through withdrawal. But tonight I sucked it up. It seems to get really bad at night, it's not so bad during the day.

I talked to Tee today. Larry had his surgery. He was scheduled to come home today. I will have to check on her because Larry is not a good patient. I'm probably not either esp not now with the ting ting tingling!!!!! Well I'm working on getting out of this depressiive state...Pray for me! I'm praying for us all.

Holla

Oh My God

OMG that's all I could utter tonight. The tingling and burning (neuropathy) is making me feel like I could just jump out of my skin or run in front of truck to take me out of my misery. The neusea was bad and this, this is just as bad. Different but just as bad. I spent time on the internet today looking for information on how to get relief from this. I found several studies with indications that Acetpel L Carnitine has been proven to help, vitamin B6, vitamin E, Tylenol, percoset, vicadin, a positive attitude, laughter, socializing and prayer. I have the Carnitine hoping it will kick in soon, taking vitamin E and rubbin vitamin E on my feet and hands, the other stuff puts me to sleep so I can't function with it during the day. I guess it doesn't matter since I can't seem to function when the tingling hits anyway. I have two more chemo treatments to go. I know God won't give more than I bear, but I am praying for relief. I feel like a crazy person, like I'm going out of my mind. According to my research it will get worse with each treatment. I recall that he doctor said that the body's first reaction would remain about the same....WRONG!! I don't know if he said that to encourage me, decrease my anxiety or if he out right lied or just doesn't know any better. Or I guess it could be as it has been through this treatment, I'm the 1 in 100 that gets whacked. Taking a shower brings it on even more, so I make the shower quick and then hold on for dear life! Pray of me.


I saw Mom today at the club. I was amazed that she brought her friends over to meet me. They were very encouraging telling me that they had me on various prayer lists for which I am grateful and I thanked them. I realized at that moment that I am angry at my mother, her treatment and the things she said to me over weekend hit hard. However, I quickly realized that I can't afford the energy for anger. I put the love for my mother out in front, I forgive her and I forgive myself. I've prayed about it and now I will be still.

I got a call from recruiters today. I was really feeling encouraged. They want me to go on an interview. I know I can do the job, but oh my God with this tingling I'm not so sure I can work and yet I desparately need to work. I'm watching Oprah's show highligthing injured soldiers and I realize I am so blessed and yet it's still hard getting through the chemo side effects.

Praying for relief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holla

Neuropathy is no fun

Today I neuropathy (tingling, burning and itching) in my hands and feet. It made me feel like I wanted to jump out of my skin or run into a wall and knock myself out. I thank God I did have a break for one treatment but after the neuropathy, the bone pain, the muscle pain and the fatigue I have anxiety about the last two. I just keep praying that God will see me through to complete healing. I felt so icky today I had to come in and take a show and lay myself down. I had to relax so that the neuropathy would not drive me out of my mind.

PeeWee left today. I enjoyed her being here. We just had a leisure day. I know she was tired after working with her husband and in-laws making funeral arrangements and attending services before coming here. I'm happy she came to celebrate my birthday on the heels of a sad occassion. And, I have not seen her since all of the breast cancer stuff started.

I got a call today for a job interview and I want and need to get back to work, so hopefully the timing of everything will work out. I hope radiation will allow me to work. I will have to find money for another interview suit because the steriod they have me on has put 12 pounds on me. I stay in sweats because all of my cllothes are tight or too small. I am going to have a lot of work to do to get back into my clothes. Oh well.

I have physical therapy tomorrow, I hope all of the pain is gone because I know I will have to run on the treadmill. I pray the neuropathy is gone....forever!!!!

Holla