New Years Eve

I got my nails and toes done. I got my hair done, I bought a dress and some shoes and I went out by myself (kinda) to a stepper set in Tinley part. It's the first time I've been out to a party on New Year's Eve in 15 or 20 years. I met the folks in my Stepper's Class. It was nice to be out, but overall it was over rated! I don't actually remember New Year's Eve last year, but in comparison I'm sure I had better time.

I actually brought the New Year in alone, called Mom at Midnight and then went back into the party. I left the Stepper's set and went to Buggs and ran into Tyler there. Breyen, Tyler and I were all in by 3AM.

I worked at the Health Club on New Year's Day. When I came home you know I had to take a nap. Breyen and I went to JoAnne's for dinner. It was nice to hang out with her. It's been really wonderful to have the girls home and getting along. They don't keep the house clean but I guess you can't have everything!

Christmas 2009

Christmas was good. It was quiet and low key. A year ago on christmas I had had my second Chemo treatment. Dinner was here at my house. Ferando shaved my head because my hair was falling out. This year we had dinner at Mom's most of the family was there. Keenan did not come because he said he was not feeling well. In truth I think it was because he had not followed up on his health issues. I've been trying to reach out to him to motivate him to find treatment for his condition. I hope that he will find his way. I will give encouragement and help where I can. Aunt Girthy was not there. No one invited or went to get her. That's a shame. Mom simply said Aunt Girthy knows it's tradition to come here for Christmas. I hope they don't treat me that way if I live to be 94. This family can be crazy at times, but I love them all. The food and the company was good. Lots of little kids. Our family is growing again, the babies are not babies any more, they are grown and having babies. It was fun, Christmas really is about them.

Breyen and Tyler were both home for Christmas and getting along! I thank God, they have been able to spend time without fighting and bickering. I got earrings and a gift card from Breyen and a dress from Tyler. For the first time in their lives, we did not put up a Christmas Tree or lights. I just didn't feel up to it. I feel pretty good most days I just didn't have the energy for all of the extra. I felt a little bad because Tyler was home from school, but then I realized that both of the girls are old enough to take on these types of tasks.

We spent Christmas Eve with Trina and her family. Mom refused to come saying Trina was breaking tradition and that she was not invited. I called Mom at midnight to say Merry Christmas, I passed the phone around so that everyone could wish her a Merry Christmas. The grand kids said Mom sounded sad and like she wanted to cry. I just wish she would have come with us. We had a good time. We ate crabs legs and just had a good time. Christmas 2009 was definitely a better Christmas than last year!

Thanksgiving

Well Thanksgiving came around and it was much different than a year ago. A year ago we were at Mom's and I was healing from the Mastesectomy. This year we had dinner at my house. I was really excited to have dinner at my house. It gave me some since of feeling normal, the old normal It was good. I only had one disaapointment. My Mom came to dinner and refused to participate, she refused to even come into the dinning room for prayer and blessing of the food. I did attempt to find out what was bothering her and she said that I treat her like a dog! I decided not to spend much time on it. I simply apologized for whatever she thought I did, and told her I was sorry she felt that way. I left it at that and went on to enjoy my day. Later I found out she was angry because I had not told her who I had invited to dinner so that she could prepare enough food. We had plenty of food. I continue to pray for Mom. It's all I can do because I refuse to allow her issues to cause me stress but I do pray that she can come to grips with her issues put some closesure to them and stop putting a damper on others and particularly on special occassions.

It was good to see family that we had not seen in a while. Thera came, Georgia and the kids and Dani and Mike along with friends and Robin clean and with her kids . I had a good day!

Reflection

Tyler and I had an opportunity to reflect on this past year. She said she remembers how sad she was when I was going through chemo. I told her I was amazed at the support I received. I was most disappointed in Breyen yet I understood that she was handlin my illness the best way she knew how. I told her Grandma was a God send, dispite some of the things she did to drive me crazy. I don't know what Iwould have done without her.

It's a been a long year and prayerfully I won't ever have to go back down that route.

Today, they are till stuggling to find a hormone for me to take for the next five years to help protect against recurrence. The lymphedema is under control for now. I still have not received
my custom sleeve. The guy I was working with was a greedy little bugger who didn't give a crap about the patients he services. So I have to find someone else and start the process over.

I had date a few weeks ago. It was fun. However, not so sure there will be more dates to follow. That's ok cause I still have to work on me. I've been trying really hard to loose weight, nothing seems to work but I'm not giving up.

I have consultantion scheduled in Dec to see if my skin has healed enough from the radiation to finish up the breast reconstruction. I hope it's ready because I'm ready. I hope he will also be able to do a size reduction...I hate having big boobs! I used to pray when I was growing up not to have big boobs I got caught up in the hype got 'em a little bigger and I don't like it at all. We'll see.

The job is taxing. I don't have the energy I use to have and it's hard to focus. It gettng a little easier maybe in time it will get better. Working two jobs is really hard so I have to plan rest times so that I don't wipe myself out. I work the part time job two days week. I know it doesn't sound like much but it kicks my butt. And, I don't like working on Sundays but until something else opens up I'll deal with it. Chris an I are alternating Sunday's so that helps a lot. I use the extra money as Tyler's allowance, gas sometimes and groceries sometimes. My fiances as a whole are shot but I try not to worry about that; hopefully it will work itself out in the years to come.

My hair is growing back. It's long enough to braid and still super curly! Maybe this time next year it will be back. It's totally out of control...it does it's own thing, but I'm glad it's here.

Well I start the new hormone this week, it has lots of ugly side effects. If it does me too bad, I'm not going to take it. I followed all of the doctor's recommendations so far and sometimes I've been no better off, so we shall see how this new drug works.

Holla back!

One Year to the day

Well, it's been one year. October 29,2008 I had a mastsectomy. Its been a whirl wind year. I've had chemotheary, lost my hair, had lymph node surgery, radiation and now lympehedema. Financially I've taken a beating. I was off work for almost a year. I found a job two months ago and now I'm trying to catch. My refrigeration went out and two weeks ago my stove literally zapped me with a bolt of electricity and then went out. I'll worry about that later.

I'm fnding a balance...the lypmphedema is a constant reminder of the beast cancer as well as the tamoxifen, which I am now having an allergic reaction to....oh well. I'm thankful and glad to still be among the living.

Breyen is doing really well.. I got her a job at the health club and they absolutely love her. She's working hard and staying out of trouble. Tyler is doing well at school, she's striving for that 3.0 or higher. Her track coach saids she works hard and she's getting better and better.

My job is really a challenge, chemo brain is a reality and I'm struggling to keep up. I have to keep my arm wrapped esp. at work because typing adds to the spelling. Everyone at work wants to know what's going on with my arm. I just tell them I have some fluid retention! In fact I don't have any protection on my arm now so I have to cut this short. I should get my custom made sleeve on Monday.

One year and still kicking, lot of dark moments, lots of lots and lots of love and support. I am so very thankful!

I just can't win

I feel like crying, I feel like screaming…This damned disease and its treatment has wrecked havoc! Now I have lymphedema. It’s the painful swelling of limbs when fluid is unable to past thru the lymphatic system properly. Now I will have to walk around witha fat arm and a sleeve on at all times and have constant therapy to control it. It seems there is a cure for some cancers if you catch it in time, as is the case with breast cancer. However, guest what…there is no cure for lymphedema .
It makes me think back on my decision to have my stupid lymph nodes removed; did I know this was going to happen? Ferlando would say it’s self fulfilling prophecy. I say I’ll be Dam “ed” or I should say I am Dam “ed”. It’s so frustrating! Just makes me keep wondering what the hell have I done in this life for this ass kicking to continue. I’ve always said when I die I want to be cremated but hesitate because I know my family doesn’t agree with it, but as the days of my life continue and all this stuff keeps happening to this ole body, I think just cremate it. Yeap, I’m not denying it; this is a dark moment for me so just pray for me. Well I’ve always liked Gone With The Wind” and today I am going to be focused on being like Scarlet O’Hara…in the end when she just doesn’t know what she’s going to do she saids…”I’ll think about that tomorrow”.

Checking In

It's been a while I know. However, I have been struggling with writing lately. I'm not sure why. In some ways I think it's because I'd like to think that after the last radiation treatment, the cancer is over and I can get back to life. Right away I hopped on a bus with Darlene and the Angelic Flyers headed for North Carolina. It was a vacation and a bit of a celebration for me as I completed radiation. Thank you Darlene. Well the radiation did burn my skin, however it's been a little over a month and my skin almost has it's natural color back, except in the area where the tumor was located. That area is still dark. I have to wait three to four months now before going back to surgery to finish up the breast reconstruction. They say most women don't finish it, but I have gone thru a lot and I would like to finish it. I plan to have a conversation at that time with the doctor about the possibility of reducing my breast size. I don't like these big breast but if it has to be I guess it will be.

I have more hair now. I have what I like to refer to as a boy afro. It's not enough hair to braid but it;s getting there. It's extremely curly not nappy but actually curly. Yeah if you know me you know I don't like it. Don't misunderstand, I'm grateful for being here and the hair that I have it's just me. Everyone saids I look like Robin Robinson on channel 7. I think they say that because they don't know what else to say. It grates on my nerve a bit as I know I don't look like her, people just throw us in the same bucket because we both had breast cancer. Anyway I don't like her hair either so it's no compliment to me. I guess I'm a bit jaded that way. I know folks mean well and I accept that. The curls are so tight even gel does not flatten them. Each day the curls and the gel do their own thing and I go with the flow.

Radiation in the end robbed me of my energy. It's slowly coming back but I surely don't have the energy that I used to have. I take vitimins I'm also doing a detox and I do feel better but the energy level is slow to come back. The worst thing is my feet. I believe the problem with my feet is the neropathy from the chemo. The pain is different than it was while on chemo. Sometimes my feet hurt so bad I can barley walk. When I have to get out of bed during the night to go the bathroom, I forget the pain until my feet hit the floor. Sometimes I almost fall from the pain. Once I get going most days the pain decreases as the day goes on. My body used to ache so bad it was just difficult to move around. I now get acupnture. In the beginning I was getting acupture once a week now I'm down to every two weeks. The acuputure has gotten rid of the body aches, but it hasn't taken the pain from my feet. I've learned to function with the pain in my feet but I do hope that 0ne day it will go away. The side effects from the drugs that save your life are a bitch.

In the mean time life goes on. Tyler has gone away to school. I miss her laughter and zeal for life we talk often and I just want her to be happy. Breyen is here at home with me. She's going to school and looking for work. Mom isn't feeling well, I just keep praying that she is well and will feel better soon.

The house is having it's own crisis. Mortgage is not paid has been for three months, the refrigertor decided it wanted to check out and my stove decided it was done too. I just go with the flow. Funny a year ago life was so different. Well as they say "you know where you've been but you sure as hell don't know where you're going. We'll see what God has in store for me now. I'm looking for good things. Somehow the mortgage will get paid, a refrigerator will get replaced and the stove will get fixed. My church has decided to help me get another refrigertor after my Mom fussed at them for not doing anything for me during my illness. I appreciate it but it bothers me that the assistance comes on the heels of my mother's telling them that they needed to help. God has blessed me with so much just when it's needed.

I'm back to work and that's a struggle with my enegy level but I[m getting better slowly. I now have gained twenty pounds. Time to get serious and try to get it off. Not good for me as cancer cells like to hide in fat.

One of my church members was diagnosed with breast cancer and that really saddened me. I hate the idea of anyone having to go through the treatment. However, I also met a lady this week who is a eight year breast cancer survivior and she's engaged to be married. That's encouraging.

I have to take tamoxifen for the next five years. I won't even talk about the side effects of that.

Holla