Today was a good day. Darlene called early and we talked for awhile. She assured me that I was not loosing her. I told her I better not! I talked to Angie for about an hour. There was something frantic in her
I washed my hair and went out to lunch with Chris. She is so sweet. She gave me a very touching card. It made .me want to cry but I didn't. She also gave me a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People " along with some Ghiradelli chocolate which I will take to the hospital with me. I know I can't eat it before surgery but when I wake up it will be there to entice me! Mom came over just as I was showing Chris the house. Mom started cleaning the house, although there isn't much to clean. I went to my room and let her clean. I guess this is her way of handling things. While she was cleaning I made some calls and took care of some business.
I got a call from the Eye Dr. indicating that my glasses were ready so Tyler and I went to pick them up. It's nice to have them before surgery because I'm sure I won't be able to put my contacts in for a while. I've had the same glasses since the late eighties, so this will definitely be a new look. Tyler saids she likes the old glasses better. However, I realized that she has seen me in the same glasses her entire life, so I guess the change really looks strange to her.
Ferlando promised to keep me in the loop with his Dad and his journey with cancer. He has done just that. He told me how clear his Dad's thoughts have been. I can relate because sometimes I have such clarity that I have to cloud it with something. It sounds like his Dad is doing as well as can be expected. I know all of this is hard on Ferlando. I hope that he will take care of his Dad and not wear himself out trying to be there for both of us. Even if he is not with me physically, I know where his heart is. I pray that God takes care of Jimmy and help Ferlando as he travels the cancer journey with his father.
I've gotten calls from friends and family all day today wishing me well and praying for me. I thank every one for the well wishes and prayers.
I am amazed, it's one day before and I still have peace. I'm not scared, I get a little anxious at times esp. when people around me get anxious or loud. As long as I stay quiet, I'm good. I've had tears come to my eyes as people pray with me. I brought my Mom a card that I plan to give to her in the morning. I hope it encourages her takes her fear away.
I spoke to Dr. Krause and the nurse in the other surgeons office today, they are ready to go. Mom has the pain and nausea medication in her purse. I missed the call from the hospital today, but messages were left. Mom, Babysister and I will leave at 6 Am tomorrow. We will go see the plastic surgeon and then go on to the hospital. So, tomorrow is the big day.
Tyler is braiding my hair and as I sit here I think, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to have my breast removed. I can't follow that train of thought, nothing rational about that right....oh well it is what it is Tyler asked me how I felt about the surgery. I told her I'm okay. Then I asked her the same question. She said she is not so worry about the surgery, she's more worried about the results. I continue to pray that there will be no cancer in the lymp nodes and no need for chemo or radiation.
I probably won't blog for a few days, but as soon as I'm able I will share with you the actual healing! I should be home by Saturday.
Shanita just got here. She drove in from Iowa City. She will go to the hospital tomrrow.
Tomorrow is the day!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Two Days to Go
Yesterday was such a good day. Today was a tough day. I got up and headed off to the doctor. I had to go downtown and I was running a little late. I was suppose to be at the Dr. at 9:15. I left the house at 8:57. I actually pulled into the parking lot at the Dr.'s office at 9:33. Yeah, I was moving. Well the doctor said I have a irritated rotator cuff. Usaually it would be no big deal, but because of the mastsectomy there could be problems...frozen shoulder or capsular something. Treatment consists of steroids shots to the shoulder and physical thearpy. The problem is that the mastsectomy recovery requires no movement or little movement of the arms. Not moving the rotator cuff could cause frozen shoulder. However, the Dr. says follow recovery directions for the Mastsectomy, we will work with the shoulder later. Not, so bad, I guess, I just have to pray that the shoulder holds up.
When I got home, Mom came by. That visit didn't go well. She left mad, frustrated and hurt. She was attempting to look for Shawna's number to ask her to come out to braid my hair. I kept telling her I have Shawna's number. She wasn't hearing me so I had to say I don't want you to call Shawna. She said she was just trying to help. I told her I understand her trying to help and I need her help, I just didn't want her to call Shawna. She thought she heard me say that I wanted Shawna to braid my hair. When in fact I just made a general comment about Shawna braiding my hair when Mom told me she was off today. Mom left mad, frustrated and teary eyed, saying "I can never do anything right" . In hind sight it seems very small and trivial. Somehow we keep having these encounters about help. I told her I am going to need her help...I don't know I don't have any answers and I'm too tired and too overwhelmed to figure it out. God is trying to tell me something I'm sure, I just have figured out what yet. I will pray for understanding.
When Tyler came home from school today, she received her first acceptance letter to college. She was accepted to Arizona State University. I put a damper on that by saying, "it has no money attached". That hurt Tyler's feelings and took away her joy. It was not my intent to upset her. I apologized and congratulated her. Louis stopped by to congratulate her as well. Tyler was in tears because she said she was overwhelemed. She just didn't know what to do. I keep telling her she is selling herself short, thinking she is not good enough to do what she wants to do. Then she saids she doesn't know where she wants to go to college, she just doesn't want to go in the the midwest. She she didn't know what to do and everytime she asks me I don't help her. I thought I had helped. We've sat down a few times to work on applications, NCAA clearing house registration and narrowing down her college choices. Shame on me for thinking I had given her enough leads to move forward. It's hard for me to comprehend as I did not have anyone to help me with college applications or applying for financial aid or scholarships. So Louis and I set at the kitchen table and wrote her atlethic bio for her to send to college coaches. She sat and watched us and did not contribute or have any input. Maybe now she will move forwardI thought we had narrowed her college choices down, but she just want to continue applying to different colleges with no real ryhme or reason. She knows she wants sports medicine, but not where. I am so frustrated, I've talked and talked, eplained the process, the expectations and told her the sooner she gets this done the better. She also let me know that she only saw one essay that she can write for scholarships that I referred her to and that she didn't know how to use fastweb. She puts so much energy to socializing, I don't know why I can't get her to put the same enery into her future. Right now it's just too much! After surgery we'll work on it some more maybe I'll get it right.
I talked to Angie today. She asked me if I was scared. I told her no, I'm not scared, atleast not yet. I do think that I should be scared, but so far not so. It may hit me when I get to the hospital.
My heart goes out to Ferlando, he's trying to be here for me and now he's trying to divide himself between me and his father. I pray that he can stay strong while fulfilling his need to help me, his father and keep up with his studies.
Mel came by and picked me up tonight. She took me out to dinner. We met Tammy at MiMi's Cafe. It was right on time as things have not been going well today. God is always right on time. We had a good time at dinner, talking girl talk and eating good food. It was just nice to get out, have some fun and no pressure! We even took pictures at the restaurant. Mel gave me a beautiful card, so the day did get better.
When I got home from the restaurant tonight. Breyen came to my room and told me she wanted me to know that she does care and she loves me. She said she was just hurt and confused. When I asked her what she was confused about, she told me she just didn't understand why this was happening to me. I told her there is no "why" it's just what it is. She said she wants me to know that she loves me, she does care and that she is going to be here for me. She gave me hug and I thanked her for letting me know how she feels. That was the best part of the day.
When I got home, Mom came by. That visit didn't go well. She left mad, frustrated and hurt. She was attempting to look for Shawna's number to ask her to come out to braid my hair. I kept telling her I have Shawna's number. She wasn't hearing me so I had to say I don't want you to call Shawna. She said she was just trying to help. I told her I understand her trying to help and I need her help, I just didn't want her to call Shawna. She thought she heard me say that I wanted Shawna to braid my hair. When in fact I just made a general comment about Shawna braiding my hair when Mom told me she was off today. Mom left mad, frustrated and teary eyed, saying "I can never do anything right" . In hind sight it seems very small and trivial. Somehow we keep having these encounters about help. I told her I am going to need her help...I don't know I don't have any answers and I'm too tired and too overwhelmed to figure it out. God is trying to tell me something I'm sure, I just have figured out what yet. I will pray for understanding.
When Tyler came home from school today, she received her first acceptance letter to college. She was accepted to Arizona State University. I put a damper on that by saying, "it has no money attached". That hurt Tyler's feelings and took away her joy. It was not my intent to upset her. I apologized and congratulated her. Louis stopped by to congratulate her as well. Tyler was in tears because she said she was overwhelemed. She just didn't know what to do. I keep telling her she is selling herself short, thinking she is not good enough to do what she wants to do. Then she saids she doesn't know where she wants to go to college, she just doesn't want to go in the the midwest. She she didn't know what to do and everytime she asks me I don't help her. I thought I had helped. We've sat down a few times to work on applications, NCAA clearing house registration and narrowing down her college choices. Shame on me for thinking I had given her enough leads to move forward. It's hard for me to comprehend as I did not have anyone to help me with college applications or applying for financial aid or scholarships. So Louis and I set at the kitchen table and wrote her atlethic bio for her to send to college coaches. She sat and watched us and did not contribute or have any input. Maybe now she will move forwardI thought we had narrowed her college choices down, but she just want to continue applying to different colleges with no real ryhme or reason. She knows she wants sports medicine, but not where. I am so frustrated, I've talked and talked, eplained the process, the expectations and told her the sooner she gets this done the better. She also let me know that she only saw one essay that she can write for scholarships that I referred her to and that she didn't know how to use fastweb. She puts so much energy to socializing, I don't know why I can't get her to put the same enery into her future. Right now it's just too much! After surgery we'll work on it some more maybe I'll get it right.
I talked to Angie today. She asked me if I was scared. I told her no, I'm not scared, atleast not yet. I do think that I should be scared, but so far not so. It may hit me when I get to the hospital.
My heart goes out to Ferlando, he's trying to be here for me and now he's trying to divide himself between me and his father. I pray that he can stay strong while fulfilling his need to help me, his father and keep up with his studies.
Mel came by and picked me up tonight. She took me out to dinner. We met Tammy at MiMi's Cafe. It was right on time as things have not been going well today. God is always right on time. We had a good time at dinner, talking girl talk and eating good food. It was just nice to get out, have some fun and no pressure! We even took pictures at the restaurant. Mel gave me a beautiful card, so the day did get better.
When I got home from the restaurant tonight. Breyen came to my room and told me she wanted me to know that she does care and she loves me. She said she was just hurt and confused. When I asked her what she was confused about, she told me she just didn't understand why this was happening to me. I told her there is no "why" it's just what it is. She said she wants me to know that she loves me, she does care and that she is going to be here for me. She gave me hug and I thanked her for letting me know how she feels. That was the best part of the day.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Three Days to Go
I woke up this morning feeling snug as bug in a rug! I got up and went to church. I really wanted to go because it would be the last time before surgery. One of the young ministers delivered the sermon today, he was pretty funny. He talked about the Giants in our life, the type that get in the way and how we find our way around them. I'm working on several Giants right now, but as the Minister said trust in God will cut the Giant off at the knees.
I got upset with Tyler today. I was asking her advice on purchasing an Obama sweat shirt and she was really annoyed and rude. I told her after we left that I did not appreciate her behavior. Needless to say the ride home was quiet. It made me want to cry, but I know she's a teenager and it was teen age behavior and I'm a little bit more on the sensitive side lately.
When we got home, I made a german chocolate cake. Mom came over and washed windows. I thought it too cold for her to be washing windows but she seem content so I let her be. Mom also told me that Ferlando had gotten a call that his father was in the hospital. I called Ferlando and found out that his Dad has cancer in the lungs, spleen, etc. The Dr. sais he has some months. It shook Ferlando and my heart went out to him. He told me it was difficult for him to talk to me about it. I told him it is a part of life and please do not exclude me because of what I'm going through. He agreed, but I could hear the struggle in his voice. I told him to let me know if I can help in any way. I will definitely add his Dad to my prayers. Ferlando want to be there for me me and he wants and needs to be there for his father. I am prayerful and I know it will all work out. It's funny because Ferland and I had a conversation on Fri, about something else happening while this thing with me is going on. Remember "He" won't give us more than we can bear.
Walter and Milan came over as well. Walter cut the grass in the back and got the leaves up. Thank you Jesus, cause lord know I didn't want to do it. I still need to get the spirals cut, I'll call someone to do that tomorrow. It got so cold out while Walter was cutting the grass. He came inside to get warm, I made him some tea but he never got to drink it. He reached out to me to ask what he could to help and I truly apprciate the help.
I called baby sister, I asked if she was coming over today and she said "no". I let her know that I was baking the German Chocolate Cake, so she said "I know you"; I'll be over to get my cake today. She, Dani and Mike came over. Dani and Mike gave me some puzzle books to keep myself busy in the hospital. We sat and talked while I was baking the cake. Later the "Say Good bye to the Titty pot Luck got underway. Maria and Ariel came by, Auntee Charlene and Uncle Howard really surprised me when they came in the door. Trina and Shawna came by, Miss JoAnne, Ferlando, Nona, Anita, Tee, Annie and Darlene. We did talk about the Titty. I did take pictures of the titty too! But I didn't share them with everyone, not because it bothered me but because I thought it might bother my guests. Ferlando did say he didn't want to see the pictures, so I only shared them Annie. It's the new Titty that I think I may have more problems sharing. I thought that will come during the healing process. However, I found out that JoAnne, Maria and Darlene are all Wuss' :) All afraid of the sight of blood. Annie was the only strong one. We all had lot's of laughs about the breast. Anita was still teary eyed and cried when she tried to talk about it. I put my arms around her gave her hug and told her it would be okay. She took pictures. She said she will come over while I'm recouping and we would scrape book....I look forward to that. It was great to have my family and friends together. Even one of Tyler's gentleman friends came by with a box of candy and card for me...It really made me feel special. I missed Chris today. I'm sure we'll talk tomorrow.
I talked to cousin Gwen tonight. She's having a difficult time and having to face the possibility of relocation to keep her job. I told her God knows what's best and not worry it will all work out. She's always so positive so it was hard to hear her so down. I hope all will work out for her!
I didn't get a chance to talk to PeeWee for any real length of today, she called so I'll follow up with her tomorrow. I did talk to Shanita, so it was a full day of sharing love laughter and company with my family and friends. I absolultely loved it!
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow! LOL!!
I got upset with Tyler today. I was asking her advice on purchasing an Obama sweat shirt and she was really annoyed and rude. I told her after we left that I did not appreciate her behavior. Needless to say the ride home was quiet. It made me want to cry, but I know she's a teenager and it was teen age behavior and I'm a little bit more on the sensitive side lately.
When we got home, I made a german chocolate cake. Mom came over and washed windows. I thought it too cold for her to be washing windows but she seem content so I let her be. Mom also told me that Ferlando had gotten a call that his father was in the hospital. I called Ferlando and found out that his Dad has cancer in the lungs, spleen, etc. The Dr. sais he has some months. It shook Ferlando and my heart went out to him. He told me it was difficult for him to talk to me about it. I told him it is a part of life and please do not exclude me because of what I'm going through. He agreed, but I could hear the struggle in his voice. I told him to let me know if I can help in any way. I will definitely add his Dad to my prayers. Ferlando want to be there for me me and he wants and needs to be there for his father. I am prayerful and I know it will all work out. It's funny because Ferland and I had a conversation on Fri, about something else happening while this thing with me is going on. Remember "He" won't give us more than we can bear.
Walter and Milan came over as well. Walter cut the grass in the back and got the leaves up. Thank you Jesus, cause lord know I didn't want to do it. I still need to get the spirals cut, I'll call someone to do that tomorrow. It got so cold out while Walter was cutting the grass. He came inside to get warm, I made him some tea but he never got to drink it. He reached out to me to ask what he could to help and I truly apprciate the help.
I called baby sister, I asked if she was coming over today and she said "no". I let her know that I was baking the German Chocolate Cake, so she said "I know you"; I'll be over to get my cake today. She, Dani and Mike came over. Dani and Mike gave me some puzzle books to keep myself busy in the hospital. We sat and talked while I was baking the cake. Later the "Say Good bye to the Titty pot Luck got underway. Maria and Ariel came by, Auntee Charlene and Uncle Howard really surprised me when they came in the door. Trina and Shawna came by, Miss JoAnne, Ferlando, Nona, Anita, Tee, Annie and Darlene. We did talk about the Titty. I did take pictures of the titty too! But I didn't share them with everyone, not because it bothered me but because I thought it might bother my guests. Ferlando did say he didn't want to see the pictures, so I only shared them Annie. It's the new Titty that I think I may have more problems sharing. I thought that will come during the healing process. However, I found out that JoAnne, Maria and Darlene are all Wuss' :) All afraid of the sight of blood. Annie was the only strong one. We all had lot's of laughs about the breast. Anita was still teary eyed and cried when she tried to talk about it. I put my arms around her gave her hug and told her it would be okay. She took pictures. She said she will come over while I'm recouping and we would scrape book....I look forward to that. It was great to have my family and friends together. Even one of Tyler's gentleman friends came by with a box of candy and card for me...It really made me feel special. I missed Chris today. I'm sure we'll talk tomorrow.
I talked to cousin Gwen tonight. She's having a difficult time and having to face the possibility of relocation to keep her job. I told her God knows what's best and not worry it will all work out. She's always so positive so it was hard to hear her so down. I hope all will work out for her!
I didn't get a chance to talk to PeeWee for any real length of today, she called so I'll follow up with her tomorrow. I did talk to Shanita, so it was a full day of sharing love laughter and company with my family and friends. I absolultely loved it!
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow! LOL!!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Four Days and Counting
Today was a good day. I finally got to my room. Ann came by and helped me clean up my room. She took me to the grocery store. I did my shopping, so there is plenty of food in the house. When we were done with the grocery shopping we went to Chilis for lunch. Tyler went with us. It was nice to be out and not going to the doctor. I simply relaxed for the rest of the evening.
Clara called tonight. She is planning to come visit on 16th of November. It will be nice to see her and spend some time. Hopefully, I will be up and about so that I can really enjoy her company.
Folks are planning to come over tomorrow for the "Good-bye to the Titty Pot Luck" It should be fun. It will be the last time for most to see me before "the surgery" ( before I loose a titty). Hopefully it will not be too hard for them. It seems that many of my friends are tearful when reading the blog, talking to me or simply thinking about me. Tee said the blog makes her cry. Anita cried when talking to me, PeeWee laughs to keep from crying, Shawna stays away from me, Danni and Mike want to spend some time with me, Mom wants to hold me, Darlene is there but distant, Annie continues to be a rock for me as she does with her Mom and siblings, Walter wants to help, Maria has a car now and plans to be around for me, my sister keeps crying, Shanita is shaken with fear and checks in to make sure I'm still here, Breyen stops in to look at me not necessarily to talk, Tyler sleeps in my bed, Ann keeps me rational and hugs tight, JoAnn hides her tears with laughter. It makes me cry for all of my friends and family for the pain that they are feeling, it hurts to see them hurt, Tira check in with sadness in her voice, Angie cried a while..I could go on... Ferlando said God trusts me to handle all of this. My tears when they come are for all of you! I'm waiting for me to cry the tears for me....maybe I'll cry a river when it comes.
Clara called tonight. She is planning to come visit on 16th of November. It will be nice to see her and spend some time. Hopefully, I will be up and about so that I can really enjoy her company.
Folks are planning to come over tomorrow for the "Good-bye to the Titty Pot Luck" It should be fun. It will be the last time for most to see me before "the surgery" ( before I loose a titty). Hopefully it will not be too hard for them. It seems that many of my friends are tearful when reading the blog, talking to me or simply thinking about me. Tee said the blog makes her cry. Anita cried when talking to me, PeeWee laughs to keep from crying, Shawna stays away from me, Danni and Mike want to spend some time with me, Mom wants to hold me, Darlene is there but distant, Annie continues to be a rock for me as she does with her Mom and siblings, Walter wants to help, Maria has a car now and plans to be around for me, my sister keeps crying, Shanita is shaken with fear and checks in to make sure I'm still here, Breyen stops in to look at me not necessarily to talk, Tyler sleeps in my bed, Ann keeps me rational and hugs tight, JoAnn hides her tears with laughter. It makes me cry for all of my friends and family for the pain that they are feeling, it hurts to see them hurt, Tira check in with sadness in her voice, Angie cried a while..I could go on... Ferlando said God trusts me to handle all of this. My tears when they come are for all of you! I'm waiting for me to cry the tears for me....maybe I'll cry a river when it comes.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Five More Days to Go
When I woke up this morning, I felt like crying! I don't know why. I haven't cried in a while, probaly since the first days of finding out about the breast cancer diagnois. The feeling passed as quickly as it came. I know the tears will come eventually. I suspect they will come soon, maybe at the hospital just before surgery.
Today was a very long day. It was my intention to go to the doctor, get back to the house and finish cleaning my room. There's not much to do, but I just haven't gotten around to it.
I went to see the Dr. today regarding the official pathology results from the DNC. Dr. Roth said all is well and even gave me a picture of my uterus. He said he was worried because he thought he saw a lot of stuff when he did the DNC, but knew it was best to wait for the result before confirming anything. He asked as he always does if there is anything he can do to help. I thanked him. I told him he's on my call list. He said great because he really wanted to know home I'm doing after surgery. It was a quick short Dr. visit. I like them like that!
When I left the Dr. I called Ann to let her know I was not going to stick around for lunch. Ann is planning to come visit with me tomorrow, so I'll see her then. I stopped at the mall and picked up a pack of footies and then decided to head back south. On a whim I decided to stop at the FEMA office on 127th. I parked and got in line, thinking that I would get tired of waiting and just leave. Well, I stood in line from 12:30 PM until 5 PM. It took 10 maybe 15 minutes to fill out an application, the process was actually pretty smooth. Louis was at a different location. We stayed in touch with each other to see how fast the lines were moving or not moving. They seemed to be moving at about the same pace. I was finished just about 10 to 15 minutes before Louis.
God is very good to me. I had not intended to go to the FEMA office, so I was not dressed for the standing in line outside for hours. I got a little chilled and the sun came out and that felt really good. Later when I was beside the building in the shade and I started to shiver and the man in from of me wrapped his coat around me. Also, I had not eaten or drank anything all day, but I didn't even get a hunger headache.
I picked Ferlando up from Starbucks and we went out for pizza. We had a very good enlightening and spiritual conversation. Ferlando shared with me that he thought my life journey at this time is not for me but for others and that God is using me as a catalyst for change. And also to bring our family together. I would like to think that is the case, I'm just not sure. I do believe that he is right that God is using me for something, I'm waiting to see what it is. I'm like a little kid peaking around the tree trunk to see what's going on. In a wait, I'm anxious to get the surgery done so that I can see what's next. One thing that I've learned is just how much I am loved. Ferlando thinks I'm learning humility that God is using me, yet the consolation is not for me. I don't know the purpose but I know that God continues to bless me in so many ways. I'm at loss for words to share with you the very spiritual and soulful conversation we had except to say I conversation opened up Ferlando' connection and communication with God. I think we both saw God working right before our eyes. We went back to Mom's watched TV, heard the news about Jennifer Hudson's family....I have her in my prayers. It's really sad.
Tonight at Mom's we had a conversation about Michele Obama and dressing with class. Mom said well she doesn't have her breast hanging out, woment shouldn't have their chest hanging out. I told her too bad...cause when I get my new set of girls, I'm going to let 'em all hang out. She didn't expect that from me. She fell out laughing. I told her I'm serious so just don't say anything...LOL! Anyway she and Ferlando asked to feel the lump in my breast. They were able to feel a little bit of a mass. The Cancer was playing games tonight, there was no real lump to a mass. I told them it changes sometimes its a mass and sometimes it's a lump. It was playing hide and seek tonight just as it did during the first biospy. As my doctor saids, "it's a sneaky cancer!
I spoke with Darlene the other night and she asked me to think about not writing about Breyen in the Blog. I told her I needed to do that because it's all a part of the journey. So, she asked me to consider not writing negatively about Breyen. I told her I could do that. I've had some time to think about her request. I told her that my thoughts were not intended to be negative but rather just what I'm experiencing. My sister told me that Ferlando asked Shawna to talk to Breyen. Shawna told her that there was nothing she could say to Breyen and that Breyen would change when she's ready. I totally agree with Shawna, but here's the thing. Breyen is as one of the members of my church often says is "in the world,but she'll be back". I think that statement applies here but figuratively. Breyen is my first born. She's special, she's spoiled and head strong and so are both of her parents. I know that Breyen cares about me and that she loves me, she actually tells me often. She's actually in a place in her life where I expect her to be even if there was no Breast Cancer in my life. When she takes the wrong path, I go off the deep end in an attempt to bring her back to the right path as I supspect many other parents are doing with the young adults in their lives. She will be back, she is beautiful, she is thoughtful when she wants to be, she's intelligent ans she has so much potential. She uses a lot of antedotes like "love me or leave me alone." That's her strength reaching out, she's immature in a lot of ways and she wants acceptance, her actions are screaming for it. I LOVE Breyen DeAndra Burke. She is blossoming, I just have to give her some fertilizer. Right now she is riding the wave, it's not easy but I have every confidence no matter what comes in between that all will be well with her. It's what I ask for in my prayers. She has a limited capacity right now but she's young enough still for that capacity to grow.
Speaking of capacity, Ferlando thinks that I am traveling this journey with Breast Cancer because God finds me qualified in that he only gives us what we can bear. He said imagine someone else in our family going through this...we would be messed up. Interesting! I'm sleepy so I'll come back to this...
Five Days to Go and Blue Cross and Blue Shield is dragging its butt on approving the breast augmentation on the left breast for symetry. Yet in the state of IL the law saids that insurance co.'s have to pay for this type of augmentation when breast cancer is involved. They know that the surgery is scheduled for Oct. 29, 2008 but at his point their reponse is simply, "the matter is under review" Why do we have these laws if the insurance companies don't have to follow them? Pray that this is resolved in time for the surgery.
Today was a very long day. It was my intention to go to the doctor, get back to the house and finish cleaning my room. There's not much to do, but I just haven't gotten around to it.
I went to see the Dr. today regarding the official pathology results from the DNC. Dr. Roth said all is well and even gave me a picture of my uterus. He said he was worried because he thought he saw a lot of stuff when he did the DNC, but knew it was best to wait for the result before confirming anything. He asked as he always does if there is anything he can do to help. I thanked him. I told him he's on my call list. He said great because he really wanted to know home I'm doing after surgery. It was a quick short Dr. visit. I like them like that!
When I left the Dr. I called Ann to let her know I was not going to stick around for lunch. Ann is planning to come visit with me tomorrow, so I'll see her then. I stopped at the mall and picked up a pack of footies and then decided to head back south. On a whim I decided to stop at the FEMA office on 127th. I parked and got in line, thinking that I would get tired of waiting and just leave. Well, I stood in line from 12:30 PM until 5 PM. It took 10 maybe 15 minutes to fill out an application, the process was actually pretty smooth. Louis was at a different location. We stayed in touch with each other to see how fast the lines were moving or not moving. They seemed to be moving at about the same pace. I was finished just about 10 to 15 minutes before Louis.
God is very good to me. I had not intended to go to the FEMA office, so I was not dressed for the standing in line outside for hours. I got a little chilled and the sun came out and that felt really good. Later when I was beside the building in the shade and I started to shiver and the man in from of me wrapped his coat around me. Also, I had not eaten or drank anything all day, but I didn't even get a hunger headache.
I picked Ferlando up from Starbucks and we went out for pizza. We had a very good enlightening and spiritual conversation. Ferlando shared with me that he thought my life journey at this time is not for me but for others and that God is using me as a catalyst for change. And also to bring our family together. I would like to think that is the case, I'm just not sure. I do believe that he is right that God is using me for something, I'm waiting to see what it is. I'm like a little kid peaking around the tree trunk to see what's going on. In a wait, I'm anxious to get the surgery done so that I can see what's next. One thing that I've learned is just how much I am loved. Ferlando thinks I'm learning humility that God is using me, yet the consolation is not for me. I don't know the purpose but I know that God continues to bless me in so many ways. I'm at loss for words to share with you the very spiritual and soulful conversation we had except to say I conversation opened up Ferlando' connection and communication with God. I think we both saw God working right before our eyes. We went back to Mom's watched TV, heard the news about Jennifer Hudson's family....I have her in my prayers. It's really sad.
Tonight at Mom's we had a conversation about Michele Obama and dressing with class. Mom said well she doesn't have her breast hanging out, woment shouldn't have their chest hanging out. I told her too bad...cause when I get my new set of girls, I'm going to let 'em all hang out. She didn't expect that from me. She fell out laughing. I told her I'm serious so just don't say anything...LOL! Anyway she and Ferlando asked to feel the lump in my breast. They were able to feel a little bit of a mass. The Cancer was playing games tonight, there was no real lump to a mass. I told them it changes sometimes its a mass and sometimes it's a lump. It was playing hide and seek tonight just as it did during the first biospy. As my doctor saids, "it's a sneaky cancer!
I spoke with Darlene the other night and she asked me to think about not writing about Breyen in the Blog. I told her I needed to do that because it's all a part of the journey. So, she asked me to consider not writing negatively about Breyen. I told her I could do that. I've had some time to think about her request. I told her that my thoughts were not intended to be negative but rather just what I'm experiencing. My sister told me that Ferlando asked Shawna to talk to Breyen. Shawna told her that there was nothing she could say to Breyen and that Breyen would change when she's ready. I totally agree with Shawna, but here's the thing. Breyen is as one of the members of my church often says is "in the world,but she'll be back". I think that statement applies here but figuratively. Breyen is my first born. She's special, she's spoiled and head strong and so are both of her parents. I know that Breyen cares about me and that she loves me, she actually tells me often. She's actually in a place in her life where I expect her to be even if there was no Breast Cancer in my life. When she takes the wrong path, I go off the deep end in an attempt to bring her back to the right path as I supspect many other parents are doing with the young adults in their lives. She will be back, she is beautiful, she is thoughtful when she wants to be, she's intelligent ans she has so much potential. She uses a lot of antedotes like "love me or leave me alone." That's her strength reaching out, she's immature in a lot of ways and she wants acceptance, her actions are screaming for it. I LOVE Breyen DeAndra Burke. She is blossoming, I just have to give her some fertilizer. Right now she is riding the wave, it's not easy but I have every confidence no matter what comes in between that all will be well with her. It's what I ask for in my prayers. She has a limited capacity right now but she's young enough still for that capacity to grow.
Speaking of capacity, Ferlando thinks that I am traveling this journey with Breast Cancer because God finds me qualified in that he only gives us what we can bear. He said imagine someone else in our family going through this...we would be messed up. Interesting! I'm sleepy so I'll come back to this...
Five Days to Go and Blue Cross and Blue Shield is dragging its butt on approving the breast augmentation on the left breast for symetry. Yet in the state of IL the law saids that insurance co.'s have to pay for this type of augmentation when breast cancer is involved. They know that the surgery is scheduled for Oct. 29, 2008 but at his point their reponse is simply, "the matter is under review" Why do we have these laws if the insurance companies don't have to follow them? Pray that this is resolved in time for the surgery.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Six Days to Go
I have six more days to get things together. I started cleaning my room this morning but I didn't finish because Tyler was in my bed. She was not feeling well today. She woke up with a sore throat. I made a doctor appointment for her so that we could make sure she did not have Strep. If I get sick that postpones surgery and I really want to get it over with. She does not have strep. I still made her wash my bed linen though. Just in case. She said her germs were only on her side of the bed. I reminded her that she does not have a side, it's my bed! :)
I ran four miles today with Erica. I really felt good. Ferlando and Tyler told me that Mom is worried about my activity level. She wants me to rest. I can't be still, it's not me. Also, I am just doing what I would normally do. I'm not over doing it. I do stay busy. I like being busy and it allows me to sleep at night. I don't let too many things slow me down and I don't like to just lie down. I didn't even lie down when I gave birth. I gave birth sitting up. Even when I got hit by the car I didn't really lay down. But I must admit getting hit by the car did knock me on my butt. But even then when I got hit by the car and was taken to the ER, I was holding on to the side rails so I could sit up. I esp. wanted to sit up when I realized I had road rash on my back, that crap was painful. Five days after being hit by a car, I was at Tyler's Track Meet, sore,and stiff but there! Anyway, I figure after this surgery I will have plenty of time to rest! I mean women work up until the day they have the baby, maybe if Mom could think of it that way she would be more at ease. Staying busy and doing what I do keeps me strong, sitting being still would really wear me out at this point. I love Mom for being so concerned, I wish I could make it better for her. She will get her chance in six days to have me be still and have me bug her stuff/help. I know she's use to taking care of folks, but folks she has taken care of in the past have been near the end of their lives...I plan to Live!
Tonight I was thinking that I'm like Humpty Dumpty. I fell off the wall and I'm hoping the surgeons can put me back together again!
My friend Mel said, "boy why is this happening to you. I know so many people who are snakes in the grass and living the good life. You have such a good heart. Ah, sometimes I think I must be doing something wrong in my life rather I realize it or not. But then I think about my friend John who saids "bad things happen to good people all the time" However, I don't give the why of it much thought. Rather, I hold on the hope for a better day and for the future. I want to meet my sons in law and my grand children. Another of my friends' Mom said my life over the past thiry years has been like Jobs. OMG please don't go there I am not on that level and never want to be there.
Hugs yall. Thank you for all of the hugs, they make me feel safe and secure!
I wake in the mornings thanking God for another day, praying and praising. I'm still alright!
I ran four miles today with Erica. I really felt good. Ferlando and Tyler told me that Mom is worried about my activity level. She wants me to rest. I can't be still, it's not me. Also, I am just doing what I would normally do. I'm not over doing it. I do stay busy. I like being busy and it allows me to sleep at night. I don't let too many things slow me down and I don't like to just lie down. I didn't even lie down when I gave birth. I gave birth sitting up. Even when I got hit by the car I didn't really lay down. But I must admit getting hit by the car did knock me on my butt. But even then when I got hit by the car and was taken to the ER, I was holding on to the side rails so I could sit up. I esp. wanted to sit up when I realized I had road rash on my back, that crap was painful. Five days after being hit by a car, I was at Tyler's Track Meet, sore,and stiff but there! Anyway, I figure after this surgery I will have plenty of time to rest! I mean women work up until the day they have the baby, maybe if Mom could think of it that way she would be more at ease. Staying busy and doing what I do keeps me strong, sitting being still would really wear me out at this point. I love Mom for being so concerned, I wish I could make it better for her. She will get her chance in six days to have me be still and have me bug her stuff/help. I know she's use to taking care of folks, but folks she has taken care of in the past have been near the end of their lives...I plan to Live!
Tonight I was thinking that I'm like Humpty Dumpty. I fell off the wall and I'm hoping the surgeons can put me back together again!
My friend Mel said, "boy why is this happening to you. I know so many people who are snakes in the grass and living the good life. You have such a good heart. Ah, sometimes I think I must be doing something wrong in my life rather I realize it or not. But then I think about my friend John who saids "bad things happen to good people all the time" However, I don't give the why of it much thought. Rather, I hold on the hope for a better day and for the future. I want to meet my sons in law and my grand children. Another of my friends' Mom said my life over the past thiry years has been like Jobs. OMG please don't go there I am not on that level and never want to be there.
Hugs yall. Thank you for all of the hugs, they make me feel safe and secure!
I wake in the mornings thanking God for another day, praying and praising. I'm still alright!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Seven Days and Counting
Well, things are coming together. I had an eye doctor appointment today. The appointment went well. My eye sight has not changed much which is a good thing since I am already half blind. I actually got both contact lenses and glasses this time. I went ahead and got the glasses because if I have to take a lot of pain medication, I will probaly sleep alot and should not have my contacts on. And yes, there will be a bi-focal line. :)
Mom had the carpet in the family room cleaned today. It really gave the house a fresh scent. I appreciate her having it done, but worry that she can't really afford it. Anyway, I'm glad it's done. Now I have to clean my room. I did move my summer thngs out and brought in the winter things today. I tried to make sure I kept all of my button up shirts out as I will not be able to lift my arms to put on a pull over shirt after surgery. I will give my room a good cleaning tomorrow.
I spoke with my half sister Yvonne tonight. Don't tell her I called her my half sister. She is really my sister but I make the distinction so folks are not confused when I say sister. I have another half sister; her name is Mae. I spoke with her and her daughter tonight. They are keeping me in prayer and my niece saids she's coming to visit. She has always had a way of making my blood boil and tonight was no different. However, after talking for a while, she apologized and let me know that she was just worried. I understand the worry. I can say I'm concerned but not necessarily worried. I'm concerned about all the implications around the re-contruction. The concern is what may happen in the future, cetaininly nothing to worry about today. Darlene told me to stop reading about it, but I like to be informed even though it's overwhelming. I do realize that I am still blessed and luckier than most in regard to health. I listened to a segment on the news tonight about african american women dying from breast cancer because they don't get or can't afford the care. It made me realize how fortunate I am. I have some good doctor's and nurses taking very good care of me. Of course, I pray for them and ask God to bless them with the skills to care for me.
The hosptial called today. Surgery time has changed. Surgery is now scheduled for 12 Noon. I need to report to the hospital at 8:45 AM. I will stop at the plastic surgeons office before going to the hospital for marking. Yeah, you know, like on TV when you see the plastic surgeons mark the body to determine where to cut and or make adjustments. So another early day! I told Mom and Babysister so they can plan to get some sleep. Me, I probably won't sleep that night. That's okay cause I sleep pretty good most nights. I'll check with my primary care doctor tomorrow to make sure all of the pre-op lab work results are back and forwarded to the surgeons.
I don't have a docgtor's appointment tomorrow. Yea!
Mom had the carpet in the family room cleaned today. It really gave the house a fresh scent. I appreciate her having it done, but worry that she can't really afford it. Anyway, I'm glad it's done. Now I have to clean my room. I did move my summer thngs out and brought in the winter things today. I tried to make sure I kept all of my button up shirts out as I will not be able to lift my arms to put on a pull over shirt after surgery. I will give my room a good cleaning tomorrow.
I spoke with my half sister Yvonne tonight. Don't tell her I called her my half sister. She is really my sister but I make the distinction so folks are not confused when I say sister. I have another half sister; her name is Mae. I spoke with her and her daughter tonight. They are keeping me in prayer and my niece saids she's coming to visit. She has always had a way of making my blood boil and tonight was no different. However, after talking for a while, she apologized and let me know that she was just worried. I understand the worry. I can say I'm concerned but not necessarily worried. I'm concerned about all the implications around the re-contruction. The concern is what may happen in the future, cetaininly nothing to worry about today. Darlene told me to stop reading about it, but I like to be informed even though it's overwhelming. I do realize that I am still blessed and luckier than most in regard to health. I listened to a segment on the news tonight about african american women dying from breast cancer because they don't get or can't afford the care. It made me realize how fortunate I am. I have some good doctor's and nurses taking very good care of me. Of course, I pray for them and ask God to bless them with the skills to care for me.
The hosptial called today. Surgery time has changed. Surgery is now scheduled for 12 Noon. I need to report to the hospital at 8:45 AM. I will stop at the plastic surgeons office before going to the hospital for marking. Yeah, you know, like on TV when you see the plastic surgeons mark the body to determine where to cut and or make adjustments. So another early day! I told Mom and Babysister so they can plan to get some sleep. Me, I probably won't sleep that night. That's okay cause I sleep pretty good most nights. I'll check with my primary care doctor tomorrow to make sure all of the pre-op lab work results are back and forwarded to the surgeons.
I don't have a docgtor's appointment tomorrow. Yea!
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