Happy New Year

Happy New! Another year, I'm looking forward to a better year, mentally, physically, and financially.

I went to chruch tonight with BabySister and Nona. Mega churches are nothing like church that I am used to. But it was different. We went to Chile's afterward. I came home to an empty house. Both of the girls are out at house parties. Breyen called to say "Happy New Year" She told me that she loved me and that I was the strongest person she knew and that she admired and loved me. It brought tears to my eyes because I don't think I'm strong at all. I had to stop the tears because I Already had to talk myself out a pity party earlier. I have to think about my many blessings and healing. Tyler called too to say HNY and "I love you".

I called Mom to wish her a Happy New. We talked for awhile and got off the phone. Clara and I talked for a while as I had a glass of sparkling soda.

I thank God for allowing me to see another year. I remind myself that my cancer was at stage 3 and their are only 4 stages so God told me in time to save my life. I am truly blessed.

For the weekend I don't want to think about this stuff. Next chemo treatment has been moved to Monday.

Happy New Year!

Feeling Better for a Minute

Three days after Christmas and I am finally feeling better. Mentally I'm a mess. Dreading the next treatment but reminding myself that it's for the cure. I need to stop being a wuss. Anyway, I cut back on my iron which I think was contributing to some of the problems I had with the last treatment and that has help my stomach tremendously but I have been focusing on iron fortified foods instead.

I went to Darlene's last night. Annie and Walter picked me up. They had their Grand baby with them. It was fun to see Annie with the baby, she was really enjoying him. It was funny too to see her trying to keep up with a seven month old. Hopefully she will have the opportunity to keep him more often. It will be fun. I was able to eat, I did feel a little light headed but it was good to be out. I got some good ole homemade rolls too! I wore a wig yesterday, it actually looked pretty cute, but one of the kids friends did not recognize me....hummm.

Today I stayed in all day. I haven't been doing anything contructive around the house and I need to changed that and I didn't exercise or walk today. Well, I'll fix that tomorrow because I have physical thearpy. Trina, Ferlando and Shawna came over today with dinner. We had lagsauga, 7 layer salad, brocoli casserole, and garlic bread. Tyler had company and they ate dinner with us. I was even able to bake a german chocolate cake with the help of Tyler and her friend Nia. Thanks Girls.

It's late so I suppose I should get to bed.

Happy Birthday Chris!

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Merry Christmas

Thank God. I felt pretty good for most of the day. I was able to eat, I didn't eat much but what I did eat settled on my stomach pretty well. Once again, I hurt my mother's feelings once again, it seems even with struggling with chemo brain I manage to do that. She brought me a plate of food with good intentions, with a little of everything on the plate. She told me to eat what I could. It was too much, the appearance of the food made my stomach queasy so I had her take it back and told my sister just to put a teaspoon of greenbeans on a plate with a single rib. I forgot how sensitive my mother could be and later she let me know by telling my that she can never do anything right. I know that she was trying to make sure I ate and that I would not have to go into the kitchen with the smells of the food and I appreciate it, I just reacted before I knew it because I did not want to be sick. Times like this are really hard for me and make me feel like I should not ask for help because I'm fearful of hurting people's feelings. Also, I know that Mom was disappointed with what she got for Christmas. Shawna gave Mom some type of candle set and Mom didn't like it and let Shawna know. Poor Shawna cried. Tyler gave Mom a cap that she didn't like but thought she would because Mom is always taking her hats off her head. I usually supervise gifts from the girls given to Mom, but this year....well you know. Chemo brain stops me from spending much energy on anything more than just what I absolultely have to think about. Mom and the girls don't understand this phenomenon, I guess you just have to live it. I absolutely loved everything I got for Christmas and had I gotten nothing I would have been just as happy and content. My gift was feeling good today and thanking God for it. Family was pretty good. We talked and ate. We didn't play any games this year and we had no music. I would have loved for things to be a bit more upbeat, it takes my mind off of you know what. All in all it was a good day. I hurt for my mother, I want to have some peace and happiness. I will keep praying. I told her I want her to relax and try to stop stressing because I have to go through this and although it has not been easy she can't change anything and I don't want anything to happen to her.

I talked to so many people today and everyone seemed to be having a good day. My hair was falling out a lot today and I started just pulling it out. So Mom took some scissors and starting cutting it. The hair was so dead and brittle that it sound like crunching on croutons as she cut it. Later this evening, Ferlando got his clippers and shaved my head. It actually felt good to get all of that dead hair off of my scalp. I look like a cone head without the cone. LOL! Everybody saids I look pretty cute bald, but I think they are just being kind. Either way it's done and I'm actually okay with it. I told my Sister, "now you have more hair than I do. " So I'll work on the wigs later I guess or maybe I'll just do the bald thing. I might have to let it warm up first....hair does keep your head warm.

Christopher Jameson stopped by to see me today. He was visitng on leave from the Airforce in Montanta. It was good to see him. He was Breyen's prom date and first love and still keeps in touch....Breyen's loss...LOL! Breyen and I always joke about that, he's a nice young man and I'm glad he stopped by on this speacial day!

I hope all had a very Merry Christmas. I thank God for Jesus...celebrating the day Christ was born. Blessings to all. Love You.

Night Night

It's Christmas Eve

Well It's Christmas eve. I'm kinda feeling thrown away, like I should just be in the dog house waiting for some water and hay. My family is at odds and of a sudden I can't get folks to do simple things. I pray that we get better. My girls are slow to respond to my requests, quick to respond to their friends. My mother is doing everything she can even though I know she doesn't feel well and that positive attitude still has not surfaced. However I can't talk, as positive as I've tried to be I'm slipping. This Chemo is kicking my ass! Seven days since the last treatment and I still haven't recovered. I'm light headed dizzy, just don't feel well and dreading the next treatment. My nephew surprised me I saw a side I didn't understand but I guess it's not for me to understand. I just have to continue push forward and fight for my health. In all the blogging, I can't tell you what this is like. I complained to my physical thearpist today and I feel bad about that cause it changes nothing, I have to remember....It is what it is. I'm trying to hang in there with where everyone else is in their life, after all "It's about me for me".

I did remember to call Ms. Washington and Linda to say Happy Birthday. Shanita sent me a beautiful watch, Vanessa brought me lunch and spent some time with me before leaving tomorrow for Vegas. Lot of calls today. It's just after 6 PM and I am exhausted. I'm in bed afraid to lie down without drinking. But baby steps, I'll get there.

Family is coming over tomorrow. I hope I'm better and that I don't get any colds or anything. I hope everyone will be of good cheer and will leave their favorite scents home so that I don't get neaseated and sick. It's a strange christmas for me....I just want my health, to feel good to be good and have a clear head. Speaking of head, the hair I have left on my head is dead and is falling out. I hope that Mitzi can come by and shave it all off. It's not fun having dead hair on your head and leaving a trail of shedding everywhere you go. I thought would be upset about loosing my hair but so far I'm not.

I will try to moisturize and put on a little make up tomorrow....may I really will look better and feel better.

Hydration

Well I'm back home after hydration. I'm feeling better. I can sit up up without feeling weak and that's a good feeling. Mom and Ferlando picked me up took me to the store, and then home. I got some popsicles and gator ade so that I can try to stay hydrated. This chemo just sucked my fluids like a vampire in a "Blade" movie. I can go back for more fluids tomorrow, but I'm going to try to get plenty in tonight and be well for the next week before the next treatment.

Mom was so frustrated today to come home to see dishes in the sink after she cleaned up yesterday and washed clothes and no clothes are folded. It's so hard because if I had the energy I would do things myself. The girls just argue and look at what the other one has not done. It makes to sad to think that I haven't done a better job at instilling a better value system in them, but I guess I will just have to keep them in prayer as well. Prayer is my only answer and it's all in God's time not mine or Mom's. I can't stand the bickering so I just sit quietly and pray that everyone will see that it accomplises nothing and STOP. Why are we all so disjointed, augmentive, dissatisfied, selfish, uncompassionate, ...it's the world we're living in I guess. I'm listening intently because I think I've missed what God has been trying to tell me and I don't want to miss it again. People, if you've got your health, you got most of everything you need, yes my journey has taught me this lesson and it's not done with me yet. I see my vision changing, it's a little unsettling as I see myself moving away from the small stuff that used to be the important stuff and thinking on how to share the vision. Ok, enough it will all come to pass. Just praying and looking forward to healing!

If I don't Blog tomorrow.....MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL, LOVE YOU!

HOLLA!

Annette

I Spoke to Soon

Well it seemed like the second chemo treatment was going to be better. In actuality I think it was. I was able to feel half way decent or so I thought. The new anit- nausea medication made me sleep so I didn’t drink as much. In addition I had that nasty chemo taste in my mouth so that made it hard to swallow liquids. The nasty taste just seems to go down to my stomach with every swallow. As a result, when I woke up on Monday Morning, I thought I was doing well. I was going to attempt to wash up a few clothes, I got a far a dumping four items on the utility room floor and to the couch I had to sit. I decided then and I’m glad that I did to call the doctor. They had me come in, took my blood and all of my counts were good. So, thinks did go well, so why was I feeling so weak. It turns out I needed fluids. I got two and half hours of fluids on Monday and I’m sitting in the chemo chair right now get two and half more hours of fluids and more anit nausea medication. Hopefully, this will help me feel better for Christmas. If nothing else, maybe I can tolerate odors enough not to get sick. The nausea and the weak feeling is the worst. I reminded myself today that I need to be strong mentally and physically, but I tell you this feeling keeps me reduced to tears. I keep thinking about getting this done, getting healed.
I do use the little energy I have to focus on healing. The girls still keep the house a mess, they fuss they fight, they hurt my feelings by not helping me out as much, but I tell myself this is their way of dealing with things. They keep asking me what I want for Christmas. “All I want for Christmas and any other time is my health.” I don’t mean to be the Christmas crinch. I’m just thankful that God gave his only son for me so that I could live. I pray, but it seems not as much as I should, but how much is that. I pray that I live, that I am healed with problems and complications, but then I find myself encountering so many people as I go to the doctor encountering some kind of journey that I find myself praying for them more than me. I pray for my mother constantly, she is my rock. It hurts her so to see the girls not stepping up to the plate and she’s not feeling well herself, so please keep her in your prayers as well.

The doctors and nurses at Ingalls have been loving and caring and I thank God for that too. It helps get through things better. They are still working with me and hoping to find the right formula to help me get through future treatments. I look forward to ticking the treatments off on the calendar. I can’t wait for it to be done. I pray that the job is done and healing is complete.

Venectia came by yesterday. Makeda found out that I had Cancer and told Venecita. Guy never told her. She felt bad that she had not been around since I’ve been sick. I told her it was okay, I know she would have been there had she known. I told her I had not called because I always tell her to call and check in. I knew she would call soon. Our love and friendship is still strong.

Well my fluids are almost done, so prayerfully I’ll feel better after this.

Family is having dinner catered pray for my family, we’ll get it all right one day.

Can’t wait to feel better!

Not too bad

Mom and Ferlando took me to get my shot today. I get a shot the next day after every chemo treatment to re-build my white counts. I was a little quesy today. The dr. changed the anit-neusea treatment and that helped a lot. However, it makes me drowsy so I slept most of the day. It's almost 11 PM now and I am a little tired. I didn't eat much today, but I tried to make sure I took in a lot of fluids. It's not easy to do when your stomach stays upset. I was able to eat cake this morning with Breyen for her birthday. She made 20 today. I keep reminding her that she needs to make plans to transitioning into living on her own. I don't think she is hearing me, but I'll keep sending the message. Hopefully she enjoyed her day. She and Tyler have been out of the house much of the day, so Mom's been here with me most of the day. She doesn't want to leave me alone just in case I get sick. Breyen just left so I know won't see her until the crack of dawn. Tyler should be on her way in so Mom can go home and sleep in her own bed and get a good night's rest. Hopefully tomorrow will be as good as today and by Sunday the neusea will be gone and I can get back up on my feet. Chris, Annie, Tira, Clara and Shanita called to check on me today. I got a call from Darlene today, she was veryn upset. Please keep her and your family in your prayers.

Well I think I am going to get some ice chips and slide back down in my bed. Pray for a good day tomorrow. Prayer changes things!


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