Tyler and I had an opportunity to reflect on this past year. She said she remembers how sad she was when I was going through chemo. I told her I was amazed at the support I received. I was most disappointed in Breyen yet I understood that she was handlin my illness the best way she knew how. I told her Grandma was a God send, dispite some of the things she did to drive me crazy. I don't know what Iwould have done without her.
It's a been a long year and prayerfully I won't ever have to go back down that route.
Today, they are till stuggling to find a hormone for me to take for the next five years to help protect against recurrence. The lymphedema is under control for now. I still have not received
my custom sleeve. The guy I was working with was a greedy little bugger who didn't give a crap about the patients he services. So I have to find someone else and start the process over.
I had date a few weeks ago. It was fun. However, not so sure there will be more dates to follow. That's ok cause I still have to work on me. I've been trying really hard to loose weight, nothing seems to work but I'm not giving up.
I have consultantion scheduled in Dec to see if my skin has healed enough from the radiation to finish up the breast reconstruction. I hope it's ready because I'm ready. I hope he will also be able to do a size reduction...I hate having big boobs! I used to pray when I was growing up not to have big boobs I got caught up in the hype got 'em a little bigger and I don't like it at all. We'll see.
The job is taxing. I don't have the energy I use to have and it's hard to focus. It gettng a little easier maybe in time it will get better. Working two jobs is really hard so I have to plan rest times so that I don't wipe myself out. I work the part time job two days week. I know it doesn't sound like much but it kicks my butt. And, I don't like working on Sundays but until something else opens up I'll deal with it. Chris an I are alternating Sunday's so that helps a lot. I use the extra money as Tyler's allowance, gas sometimes and groceries sometimes. My fiances as a whole are shot but I try not to worry about that; hopefully it will work itself out in the years to come.
My hair is growing back. It's long enough to braid and still super curly! Maybe this time next year it will be back. It's totally out of control...it does it's own thing, but I'm glad it's here.
Well I start the new hormone this week, it has lots of ugly side effects. If it does me too bad, I'm not going to take it. I followed all of the doctor's recommendations so far and sometimes I've been no better off, so we shall see how this new drug works.
Holla back!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
One Year to the day
Well, it's been one year. October 29,2008 I had a mastsectomy. Its been a whirl wind year. I've had chemotheary, lost my hair, had lymph node surgery, radiation and now lympehedema. Financially I've taken a beating. I was off work for almost a year. I found a job two months ago and now I'm trying to catch. My refrigeration went out and two weeks ago my stove literally zapped me with a bolt of electricity and then went out. I'll worry about that later.
I'm fnding a balance...the lypmphedema is a constant reminder of the beast cancer as well as the tamoxifen, which I am now having an allergic reaction to....oh well. I'm thankful and glad to still be among the living.
Breyen is doing really well.. I got her a job at the health club and they absolutely love her. She's working hard and staying out of trouble. Tyler is doing well at school, she's striving for that 3.0 or higher. Her track coach saids she works hard and she's getting better and better.
My job is really a challenge, chemo brain is a reality and I'm struggling to keep up. I have to keep my arm wrapped esp. at work because typing adds to the spelling. Everyone at work wants to know what's going on with my arm. I just tell them I have some fluid retention! In fact I don't have any protection on my arm now so I have to cut this short. I should get my custom made sleeve on Monday.
One year and still kicking, lot of dark moments, lots of lots and lots of love and support. I am so very thankful!
I'm fnding a balance...the lypmphedema is a constant reminder of the beast cancer as well as the tamoxifen, which I am now having an allergic reaction to....oh well. I'm thankful and glad to still be among the living.
Breyen is doing really well.. I got her a job at the health club and they absolutely love her. She's working hard and staying out of trouble. Tyler is doing well at school, she's striving for that 3.0 or higher. Her track coach saids she works hard and she's getting better and better.
My job is really a challenge, chemo brain is a reality and I'm struggling to keep up. I have to keep my arm wrapped esp. at work because typing adds to the spelling. Everyone at work wants to know what's going on with my arm. I just tell them I have some fluid retention! In fact I don't have any protection on my arm now so I have to cut this short. I should get my custom made sleeve on Monday.
One year and still kicking, lot of dark moments, lots of lots and lots of love and support. I am so very thankful!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I just can't win
I feel like crying, I feel like screaming…This damned disease and its treatment has wrecked havoc! Now I have lymphedema. It’s the painful swelling of limbs when fluid is unable to past thru the lymphatic system properly. Now I will have to walk around witha fat arm and a sleeve on at all times and have constant therapy to control it. It seems there is a cure for some cancers if you catch it in time, as is the case with breast cancer. However, guest what…there is no cure for lymphedema .
It makes me think back on my decision to have my stupid lymph nodes removed; did I know this was going to happen? Ferlando would say it’s self fulfilling prophecy. I say I’ll be Dam “ed” or I should say I am Dam “ed”. It’s so frustrating! Just makes me keep wondering what the hell have I done in this life for this ass kicking to continue. I’ve always said when I die I want to be cremated but hesitate because I know my family doesn’t agree with it, but as the days of my life continue and all this stuff keeps happening to this ole body, I think just cremate it. Yeap, I’m not denying it; this is a dark moment for me so just pray for me. Well I’ve always liked Gone With The Wind” and today I am going to be focused on being like Scarlet O’Hara…in the end when she just doesn’t know what she’s going to do she saids…”I’ll think about that tomorrow”.
It makes me think back on my decision to have my stupid lymph nodes removed; did I know this was going to happen? Ferlando would say it’s self fulfilling prophecy. I say I’ll be Dam “ed” or I should say I am Dam “ed”. It’s so frustrating! Just makes me keep wondering what the hell have I done in this life for this ass kicking to continue. I’ve always said when I die I want to be cremated but hesitate because I know my family doesn’t agree with it, but as the days of my life continue and all this stuff keeps happening to this ole body, I think just cremate it. Yeap, I’m not denying it; this is a dark moment for me so just pray for me. Well I’ve always liked Gone With The Wind” and today I am going to be focused on being like Scarlet O’Hara…in the end when she just doesn’t know what she’s going to do she saids…”I’ll think about that tomorrow”.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Checking In
It's been a while I know. However, I have been struggling with writing lately. I'm not sure why. In some ways I think it's because I'd like to think that after the last radiation treatment, the cancer is over and I can get back to life. Right away I hopped on a bus with Darlene and the Angelic Flyers headed for North Carolina. It was a vacation and a bit of a celebration for me as I completed radiation. Thank you Darlene. Well the radiation did burn my skin, however it's been a little over a month and my skin almost has it's natural color back, except in the area where the tumor was located. That area is still dark. I have to wait three to four months now before going back to surgery to finish up the breast reconstruction. They say most women don't finish it, but I have gone thru a lot and I would like to finish it. I plan to have a conversation at that time with the doctor about the possibility of reducing my breast size. I don't like these big breast but if it has to be I guess it will be.
I have more hair now. I have what I like to refer to as a boy afro. It's not enough hair to braid but it;s getting there. It's extremely curly not nappy but actually curly. Yeah if you know me you know I don't like it. Don't misunderstand, I'm grateful for being here and the hair that I have it's just me. Everyone saids I look like Robin Robinson on channel 7. I think they say that because they don't know what else to say. It grates on my nerve a bit as I know I don't look like her, people just throw us in the same bucket because we both had breast cancer. Anyway I don't like her hair either so it's no compliment to me. I guess I'm a bit jaded that way. I know folks mean well and I accept that. The curls are so tight even gel does not flatten them. Each day the curls and the gel do their own thing and I go with the flow.
Radiation in the end robbed me of my energy. It's slowly coming back but I surely don't have the energy that I used to have. I take vitimins I'm also doing a detox and I do feel better but the energy level is slow to come back. The worst thing is my feet. I believe the problem with my feet is the neropathy from the chemo. The pain is different than it was while on chemo. Sometimes my feet hurt so bad I can barley walk. When I have to get out of bed during the night to go the bathroom, I forget the pain until my feet hit the floor. Sometimes I almost fall from the pain. Once I get going most days the pain decreases as the day goes on. My body used to ache so bad it was just difficult to move around. I now get acupnture. In the beginning I was getting acupture once a week now I'm down to every two weeks. The acuputure has gotten rid of the body aches, but it hasn't taken the pain from my feet. I've learned to function with the pain in my feet but I do hope that 0ne day it will go away. The side effects from the drugs that save your life are a bitch.
In the mean time life goes on. Tyler has gone away to school. I miss her laughter and zeal for life we talk often and I just want her to be happy. Breyen is here at home with me. She's going to school and looking for work. Mom isn't feeling well, I just keep praying that she is well and will feel better soon.
The house is having it's own crisis. Mortgage is not paid has been for three months, the refrigertor decided it wanted to check out and my stove decided it was done too. I just go with the flow. Funny a year ago life was so different. Well as they say "you know where you've been but you sure as hell don't know where you're going. We'll see what God has in store for me now. I'm looking for good things. Somehow the mortgage will get paid, a refrigerator will get replaced and the stove will get fixed. My church has decided to help me get another refrigertor after my Mom fussed at them for not doing anything for me during my illness. I appreciate it but it bothers me that the assistance comes on the heels of my mother's telling them that they needed to help. God has blessed me with so much just when it's needed.
I'm back to work and that's a struggle with my enegy level but I[m getting better slowly. I now have gained twenty pounds. Time to get serious and try to get it off. Not good for me as cancer cells like to hide in fat.
One of my church members was diagnosed with breast cancer and that really saddened me. I hate the idea of anyone having to go through the treatment. However, I also met a lady this week who is a eight year breast cancer survivior and she's engaged to be married. That's encouraging.
I have to take tamoxifen for the next five years. I won't even talk about the side effects of that.
Holla
I have more hair now. I have what I like to refer to as a boy afro. It's not enough hair to braid but it;s getting there. It's extremely curly not nappy but actually curly. Yeah if you know me you know I don't like it. Don't misunderstand, I'm grateful for being here and the hair that I have it's just me. Everyone saids I look like Robin Robinson on channel 7. I think they say that because they don't know what else to say. It grates on my nerve a bit as I know I don't look like her, people just throw us in the same bucket because we both had breast cancer. Anyway I don't like her hair either so it's no compliment to me. I guess I'm a bit jaded that way. I know folks mean well and I accept that. The curls are so tight even gel does not flatten them. Each day the curls and the gel do their own thing and I go with the flow.
Radiation in the end robbed me of my energy. It's slowly coming back but I surely don't have the energy that I used to have. I take vitimins I'm also doing a detox and I do feel better but the energy level is slow to come back. The worst thing is my feet. I believe the problem with my feet is the neropathy from the chemo. The pain is different than it was while on chemo. Sometimes my feet hurt so bad I can barley walk. When I have to get out of bed during the night to go the bathroom, I forget the pain until my feet hit the floor. Sometimes I almost fall from the pain. Once I get going most days the pain decreases as the day goes on. My body used to ache so bad it was just difficult to move around. I now get acupnture. In the beginning I was getting acupture once a week now I'm down to every two weeks. The acuputure has gotten rid of the body aches, but it hasn't taken the pain from my feet. I've learned to function with the pain in my feet but I do hope that 0ne day it will go away. The side effects from the drugs that save your life are a bitch.
In the mean time life goes on. Tyler has gone away to school. I miss her laughter and zeal for life we talk often and I just want her to be happy. Breyen is here at home with me. She's going to school and looking for work. Mom isn't feeling well, I just keep praying that she is well and will feel better soon.
The house is having it's own crisis. Mortgage is not paid has been for three months, the refrigertor decided it wanted to check out and my stove decided it was done too. I just go with the flow. Funny a year ago life was so different. Well as they say "you know where you've been but you sure as hell don't know where you're going. We'll see what God has in store for me now. I'm looking for good things. Somehow the mortgage will get paid, a refrigerator will get replaced and the stove will get fixed. My church has decided to help me get another refrigertor after my Mom fussed at them for not doing anything for me during my illness. I appreciate it but it bothers me that the assistance comes on the heels of my mother's telling them that they needed to help. God has blessed me with so much just when it's needed.
I'm back to work and that's a struggle with my enegy level but I[m getting better slowly. I now have gained twenty pounds. Time to get serious and try to get it off. Not good for me as cancer cells like to hide in fat.
One of my church members was diagnosed with breast cancer and that really saddened me. I hate the idea of anyone having to go through the treatment. However, I also met a lady this week who is a eight year breast cancer survivior and she's engaged to be married. That's encouraging.
I have to take tamoxifen for the next five years. I won't even talk about the side effects of that.
Holla
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Last Day of Radiation
SIX WEEKS OF RADIATION -FIVE DAYS A WEEK ...it's over, over, over
I know it's been a while since I've let you all know what's going on. Today is the last day of radiation (July 28, 2009). It's the last and 33rd radiation treatment, yea. For the last six weeks, five days a week. I've have got up like going to a job and climbing on to a radiation table to be zapped. I usually walk into the the doctors office around 8:50 and I am usually out by 9:12AM. The nurses are all very nice, the office and exam rooms are also nice and I must say it has not been bad at all. My skin did burn. The skin actually looks burned, it is dark reddest brown and in some places the outer layer of the skin has burned until it has turned pink. They give you a cream to help with the burn. I also used a natural aloe vera plant. A friend of my counsin's let me know about the aloe vera, she told me to mix the gel from the plant with the cream from the doctor. The two don't mix very well so in the end I just rubbed the gel from the plant onto my skin and layer it with the cream from the doctor. The nurses tell me that my skin has held up very well. I wonder what they see, but then I have nothing to compare it with. According to the nurses they see much worst. I was told at the begining that radiation can make you fatigued. I worked out everyday after radiation, I also ran outside, but now that I am at the end I am actually fatigued. I can do everyday stuff but anything that required a lot of energy wears me out. So now in two weeks I will see the onocologist for a prescription for tamoxifin which I will need to take for the next five years.
My hair is growing back. I have a small afro. My hair is coming back in with some grey and it is extreming curly. I put a little wave cream on it at times in an attempt to make it lay down but that only lasts a few hours. I don't like it, but the good part is that it is growing and for now it is wash and wear hair. I look ten years older and I feel 20 years older. I move slower and my body aches all the time. I am also now having hot flashes that make me feel like I might pass out from the stifling heat, I break out in a sweat and even my knee caps sweat. The doctor saids it will get worst on the tamoxfin...all things considered I am still here!
The treatment for breast cancer and I suppose any cancer is no fun. One has to be strong and focused to get through it all and the realization that things will NEVER be the same is daunting. People ask me what I have learned from this experience. Sometimes, I think I've learned to destress, the things that used to bother me don't any more. My faith in God is stronger and my faith in people as a whole has diminished a great deal. I take nothing for granite and I look at the world as if it is a picture and I'm outside the picture. I understand being alone. I'm thankful for my many and wonderful blessings. I'm thankful for my life.
Other parts of my life have remained the same. Family, Friends, Trails, Tribulations, they are all still there I just view them differently. My finances have been shot to hell, mortgage not paid, no phone, no cable, Refrigerator gone out, car note not paid, you name it. However, I know I am blessed and I'm not stressed. It wil all work itself out. As they say you know where you been just not where you're going. I wonder at times where all of this will leave me and then I realize if I live long enough I'll find out!.
That's it for now. I'll update you after my last treatment today at 9AM.
Holla
I know it's been a while since I've let you all know what's going on. Today is the last day of radiation (July 28, 2009). It's the last and 33rd radiation treatment, yea. For the last six weeks, five days a week. I've have got up like going to a job and climbing on to a radiation table to be zapped. I usually walk into the the doctors office around 8:50 and I am usually out by 9:12AM. The nurses are all very nice, the office and exam rooms are also nice and I must say it has not been bad at all. My skin did burn. The skin actually looks burned, it is dark reddest brown and in some places the outer layer of the skin has burned until it has turned pink. They give you a cream to help with the burn. I also used a natural aloe vera plant. A friend of my counsin's let me know about the aloe vera, she told me to mix the gel from the plant with the cream from the doctor. The two don't mix very well so in the end I just rubbed the gel from the plant onto my skin and layer it with the cream from the doctor. The nurses tell me that my skin has held up very well. I wonder what they see, but then I have nothing to compare it with. According to the nurses they see much worst. I was told at the begining that radiation can make you fatigued. I worked out everyday after radiation, I also ran outside, but now that I am at the end I am actually fatigued. I can do everyday stuff but anything that required a lot of energy wears me out. So now in two weeks I will see the onocologist for a prescription for tamoxifin which I will need to take for the next five years.
My hair is growing back. I have a small afro. My hair is coming back in with some grey and it is extreming curly. I put a little wave cream on it at times in an attempt to make it lay down but that only lasts a few hours. I don't like it, but the good part is that it is growing and for now it is wash and wear hair. I look ten years older and I feel 20 years older. I move slower and my body aches all the time. I am also now having hot flashes that make me feel like I might pass out from the stifling heat, I break out in a sweat and even my knee caps sweat. The doctor saids it will get worst on the tamoxfin...all things considered I am still here!
The treatment for breast cancer and I suppose any cancer is no fun. One has to be strong and focused to get through it all and the realization that things will NEVER be the same is daunting. People ask me what I have learned from this experience. Sometimes, I think I've learned to destress, the things that used to bother me don't any more. My faith in God is stronger and my faith in people as a whole has diminished a great deal. I take nothing for granite and I look at the world as if it is a picture and I'm outside the picture. I understand being alone. I'm thankful for my many and wonderful blessings. I'm thankful for my life.
Other parts of my life have remained the same. Family, Friends, Trails, Tribulations, they are all still there I just view them differently. My finances have been shot to hell, mortgage not paid, no phone, no cable, Refrigerator gone out, car note not paid, you name it. However, I know I am blessed and I'm not stressed. It wil all work itself out. As they say you know where you been just not where you're going. I wonder at times where all of this will leave me and then I realize if I live long enough I'll find out!.
That's it for now. I'll update you after my last treatment today at 9AM.
Holla
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The Burn
Well I already knew that I did not fall into that "most" category. Recall that the doctor said that most people don't feel anything with radiation until half through or almost done. I have only had three treatments and the burn has began. I talked to the doctor today and she recommended that I take tylenol or alieve. I have been using the cream and aloe vera and still the burn. If it gets too bad I will refulse to finish up the raditaion. I've had enough. I'm tired. Tired of hurting when I get up in the morning, tired of not being able to do the things I used to do just six months ago. Tired of my shoulder hurting, tired of my knee hurting, tire of this ugly short tight curly hair, tired of man's cure for cancer tearing me down. Tired of the bill collectors, tired of the children thinking the world is waiting for them, tired of feeling dizzy all the time, tired of folks depending on me to get things done. I have no more strategies, solutions, energy you name it. I guess I'll think about the rest tomorrow. Just Praying!
Holla
Holla
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
After Radiation
I am still fighting this cold. I have a sore throat. I had a few antibiotics but the sore throat just doubled back. I will try calling the doctor tomorrow. I am not sure if it's the radiation but right now I am just fatigued. My bones hurt and my knee is swollen and painful. The neuropathy is acting up in my feet. My back hurts. I really need to feel and live the statment "this too shall pass" .
All things considered I am well. Tyler and I went to U of I today. She has a tough schedule for her freshman year, hopefully that too will work itself out. I wish she were more excited about school. It will be challenging but it will be fun if she will allow it to be. I'm gonna miss her but I am also excited for her!
I have the next radiation treatment tomorrow. I'll holla back later
All things considered I am well. Tyler and I went to U of I today. She has a tough schedule for her freshman year, hopefully that too will work itself out. I wish she were more excited about school. It will be challenging but it will be fun if she will allow it to be. I'm gonna miss her but I am also excited for her!
I have the next radiation treatment tomorrow. I'll holla back later
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