I still worry about a recurrence, but I pray that cancer will never enter any part of my body ever again. My hair has grown back to almost shoulder length. I have most of my strength back. I have hot flashes now and if hell is any hotter it must just be a ball of fire. I've started to eat bad and gain weight, I'm working on fixing that because that's about saving my life. My feet hurt from time to time from the neuropathy as a result of the chemo, my left leg is also bigger from the chemo....that's nasty stuff.
I'm working now, my boss was giving me a hard time. I didn't think I was going last in this job. Life works in mysterious ways. My boss's sister has Breast cancer and has struggled with Chemo and had to have a double mastatomy and will have to have her uterus removed later. She also has to continue chemo. I shared with my boss that I am a Cancer survivior. My boss has chilled. I pray for her sister and her and I pray to keep my job.
I still continue to struggle with my relationship with my mother. There is no pleasing her. I pray for her. I pray for patience. As she gets older she gets harder for me to relate to. I'm tired of adjusting to find ways to make us work better, but I can't give up. I really hurt her by not taking her with me to get the girls settled in Champaigne. It was not my intent to hurt her, I was just looking for peace.
Breyen is in Champaign working. I pray for her contstantly. I hope that she will be well. I fought all of the girls lives to keep them with me and to keep us close. It seems for now that I have lost Breyen, but i had to let go. Train up a child in the way that they should go.....I'll wait for her to come back. In the mean time I'll keep her in prayer.
God is good to me, I am so very Blessed.
Be Blessed.
''
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Monday, May 17, 2010
Catching up
Some of you have asked "What's going on" ? Some have asked why I stopped writing. Well the writing is good for me so I guess I will try to get back to it. I have not written in while because I have been so angry. I'm not sure why I've been so angry, I mean after all I am here I survived all that I went thru in the last two years. However, I didn't come away unscarred.
I was angry becasue I had what I call "stupid breast cancer". I was angry because I wanted things to be the way they used to be. I was angry because I continue to be in so much pain. I was angry because I can't find the "new normal", the new me. I was angry because I'm in a lonely place and only company that can relate is the the ladies in my Cancer Support Group. I feel secure there because other ladies understand exactly where I am, they've been there; but it's such a sad place. Sometimes I don't go to the meetings because the ladies are so sad. I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be angry and every reason to be grateful. It's a funny thing we've all survived. We survived cancer and we survived the dreadful treatment for cancer. The anger has subsided now. I think it was just took time.
Now I'm lost. People look at me and they say " You look great". Looks are indeed deceiving; but are they really? I've got hair now so I guess that looks good. My hair is soft, curly, kinky, nappy whatever you want to call it. It is difficult to manage, it does's it's own thing. It's a different color. My hair has always been reddish brown. Now it's a dull black with gray strings (not cute). I covered it while it was growing with wigs and sew-ins. I never quite got the sew in that I wanted and I am sick of wigs. I know women wear them all the time now and I still wear them, but they really represent something different for me now. I'm working on feeling better when I have a wig on. On the surface compared to where I came from when I was going through chemo I guess I really am doing great. People don't see the scars on my back, on my sides (from the drainage tubes) on the re-constructed breast, and they don't see that one leg is now bigger than the other (from edema) and they don't want to see the difference in my hand and arm (from the lymphedema), and they ignore the dark circles around my eyes (because folks have dark circles from other things). I am in pain from the lympphedema and bone pain 80 to 90 percent of the time. I've learned to live with the pain, it's not fun but for the most part as long as I'm moving around I can ignore it.
I am suppose to take hormones to lower risk of recurrence but the hormone cause even more pain. One of the side effects is uterian cancer for a very small percentage of women. Well as most of you know I've been in that small percentage on most of this journey. The doctors say, no big deal if it happens we will just take your uterus out. Great! I've decided not take any of hormones because of the pain more than anything. I want to be able to enjoy the quality of my life as much as possible. When I take the hormones, I barely walk or get in and out of a chair or exercise or feel like doing anything other than concentrating on fighting off the pain. I have met lots of ladies who have been through what I've been through and more and they don't have these type of side effects. So, I'm fighting for the best well being and quality of life that my body will allow me. I am exercising now, running and recently discorvered that aqua arobics allow me freedom of movement without pain and helps the lymphedema. I'm trying to eat right, but not doing too good. I don't cook much anymore and this sweet tooth that I have is probably taking years off of my life. I'm working on it. I've lost a few pounds and that feels great so I'll try to stay focused.
I try to stay busy. I go to a Steppers class on Monday's. I work part time job on Tuesday's and I exercise the rest of the days. Work (the full time job), of course keeps me busy. My Boss is hard and as we say around the job she stays of my "Neck". I used to be really good at what ever I did at work but now I struggle. I pray that I can can keep my job but I just do the best I can. So, work is really stressful! I feel really dumb but hopefully I'll get back to my anal perfection with work one day soon. My level of concentration does seem to be getting better.
At home, things are about the same. The house is a mess. I don't fuss about it, I just clean it when I have the energy. Tyler is home and hopefully she and Breyen will get along for the summer. I don't plan to referee any agrguments they will have to figure it out on their own.
I went on a blind date last week. It's was nice to get out. He was a nice man but I was not attracted. Also, his wife died from breast cancer. I wouldn't do that to him even if I was attracted. My friends seem to think I need a nice man in my life. Well well, I can tell you that's a element of least concern to me.
I try not to look at or think too hard about my finaces so there's not much to say about that. It is what it is.
I think this about catches things up for now. I'll try to write more often.
Holla Yall!
I was angry becasue I had what I call "stupid breast cancer". I was angry because I wanted things to be the way they used to be. I was angry because I continue to be in so much pain. I was angry because I can't find the "new normal", the new me. I was angry because I'm in a lonely place and only company that can relate is the the ladies in my Cancer Support Group. I feel secure there because other ladies understand exactly where I am, they've been there; but it's such a sad place. Sometimes I don't go to the meetings because the ladies are so sad. I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be angry and every reason to be grateful. It's a funny thing we've all survived. We survived cancer and we survived the dreadful treatment for cancer. The anger has subsided now. I think it was just took time.
Now I'm lost. People look at me and they say " You look great". Looks are indeed deceiving; but are they really? I've got hair now so I guess that looks good. My hair is soft, curly, kinky, nappy whatever you want to call it. It is difficult to manage, it does's it's own thing. It's a different color. My hair has always been reddish brown. Now it's a dull black with gray strings (not cute). I covered it while it was growing with wigs and sew-ins. I never quite got the sew in that I wanted and I am sick of wigs. I know women wear them all the time now and I still wear them, but they really represent something different for me now. I'm working on feeling better when I have a wig on. On the surface compared to where I came from when I was going through chemo I guess I really am doing great. People don't see the scars on my back, on my sides (from the drainage tubes) on the re-constructed breast, and they don't see that one leg is now bigger than the other (from edema) and they don't want to see the difference in my hand and arm (from the lymphedema), and they ignore the dark circles around my eyes (because folks have dark circles from other things). I am in pain from the lympphedema and bone pain 80 to 90 percent of the time. I've learned to live with the pain, it's not fun but for the most part as long as I'm moving around I can ignore it.
I am suppose to take hormones to lower risk of recurrence but the hormone cause even more pain. One of the side effects is uterian cancer for a very small percentage of women. Well as most of you know I've been in that small percentage on most of this journey. The doctors say, no big deal if it happens we will just take your uterus out. Great! I've decided not take any of hormones because of the pain more than anything. I want to be able to enjoy the quality of my life as much as possible. When I take the hormones, I barely walk or get in and out of a chair or exercise or feel like doing anything other than concentrating on fighting off the pain. I have met lots of ladies who have been through what I've been through and more and they don't have these type of side effects. So, I'm fighting for the best well being and quality of life that my body will allow me. I am exercising now, running and recently discorvered that aqua arobics allow me freedom of movement without pain and helps the lymphedema. I'm trying to eat right, but not doing too good. I don't cook much anymore and this sweet tooth that I have is probably taking years off of my life. I'm working on it. I've lost a few pounds and that feels great so I'll try to stay focused.
I try to stay busy. I go to a Steppers class on Monday's. I work part time job on Tuesday's and I exercise the rest of the days. Work (the full time job), of course keeps me busy. My Boss is hard and as we say around the job she stays of my "Neck". I used to be really good at what ever I did at work but now I struggle. I pray that I can can keep my job but I just do the best I can. So, work is really stressful! I feel really dumb but hopefully I'll get back to my anal perfection with work one day soon. My level of concentration does seem to be getting better.
At home, things are about the same. The house is a mess. I don't fuss about it, I just clean it when I have the energy. Tyler is home and hopefully she and Breyen will get along for the summer. I don't plan to referee any agrguments they will have to figure it out on their own.
I went on a blind date last week. It's was nice to get out. He was a nice man but I was not attracted. Also, his wife died from breast cancer. I wouldn't do that to him even if I was attracted. My friends seem to think I need a nice man in my life. Well well, I can tell you that's a element of least concern to me.
I try not to look at or think too hard about my finaces so there's not much to say about that. It is what it is.
I think this about catches things up for now. I'll try to write more often.
Holla Yall!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Birthday
Today is my birthday. I had wanted to have a big Birthdat Party to celebrate my 50th as well as my 51st since I wasn't feeling very well on my 50th. The 50th is also clouded with the argument with Mom and her refusal to participant in my 50th birthday celebration. That was the biggest rift between us in all of my life. I guess we hurt each other to the core and I'm not sure that we are over it even today. I forgive but it did hurt. So I wanted today to be different, we can't change the past but can try to do better in the future. But, I didn't have the funds to have a party so I'm celebrating life!
I went out yesterday with Ms. JoAnne and her Aunt and some friends, that was fun. Today I started the day out stuck in the snow in the driveway when attempting to get to work. I was two hours late for work but I got here. Richard came by with his snow blower and shoveled both Bree and I out. (Good is so good...when I called Richard I didn't even know he had a snow blower.) When I got to work Mel had a big balloon tied to my chair with a card. A ton of family called or texted to say Happy Birthday and I'm thanking God for another birthday.
Happy Birthday!
I continue to heal from the surgery and maybe by summer it will all be done! Yahoo!
I went out yesterday with Ms. JoAnne and her Aunt and some friends, that was fun. Today I started the day out stuck in the snow in the driveway when attempting to get to work. I was two hours late for work but I got here. Richard came by with his snow blower and shoveled both Bree and I out. (Good is so good...when I called Richard I didn't even know he had a snow blower.) When I got to work Mel had a big balloon tied to my chair with a card. A ton of family called or texted to say Happy Birthday and I'm thanking God for another birthday.
Happy Birthday!
I continue to heal from the surgery and maybe by summer it will all be done! Yahoo!
The Other side
This blog entry is entitle "The other Side" because Ferlando called my last surgery this way.
I had surgery on Feb. 8 and it went well. Mom and Chris escorted me to the hospital. They stayed with me until I was alert to speak sensibly after surgery. I went into Surgery around 5:37 Pm and I think I was out by 9PM. Mom and Chris left around 11 PM. I actually felt pretty good when I woke up. I did get snowed in at the hospital. Trina had to have her friend Micheal pick me up from the Hospital. He took me to her at Skokie Hospital where she now works. Trina and I went shopping for fresh undies and night clothes. We got something to eat and spent the night at the doubletree hotel, which PeeWee arranged and paid for us. It was nice just being with my sister, we had fun except I fell asleep on her! Oh well one day out of surgery what can you expect. I saw the docter the next day before going home and he indicated that I was doing well. Breyen picked me up from the Dr's office and we went back to Homewood and had lunch with Chris and Alex. I am amazed at how good I've been feeling after surgery but grateful. Perhaps Ferlando is right, maybe this is 'The Other Side" I certainly hope so.
The issue now is finding the right hormone to take for the next five years. I've tried two so far and the last one made me very sick. I do take a natural supplement that is supposed to to the same thing but there is no scienctid study to back up the claim. I'm inclined to just take the natural supplement and pray because the other meds have so many side effects and cause so much pain that the quality of life is greatly diminished. I'm praying about it; for now I'm enjoying "The Other Side".
I had surgery on Feb. 8 and it went well. Mom and Chris escorted me to the hospital. They stayed with me until I was alert to speak sensibly after surgery. I went into Surgery around 5:37 Pm and I think I was out by 9PM. Mom and Chris left around 11 PM. I actually felt pretty good when I woke up. I did get snowed in at the hospital. Trina had to have her friend Micheal pick me up from the Hospital. He took me to her at Skokie Hospital where she now works. Trina and I went shopping for fresh undies and night clothes. We got something to eat and spent the night at the doubletree hotel, which PeeWee arranged and paid for us. It was nice just being with my sister, we had fun except I fell asleep on her! Oh well one day out of surgery what can you expect. I saw the docter the next day before going home and he indicated that I was doing well. Breyen picked me up from the Dr's office and we went back to Homewood and had lunch with Chris and Alex. I am amazed at how good I've been feeling after surgery but grateful. Perhaps Ferlando is right, maybe this is 'The Other Side" I certainly hope so.
The issue now is finding the right hormone to take for the next five years. I've tried two so far and the last one made me very sick. I do take a natural supplement that is supposed to to the same thing but there is no scienctid study to back up the claim. I'm inclined to just take the natural supplement and pray because the other meds have so many side effects and cause so much pain that the quality of life is greatly diminished. I'm praying about it; for now I'm enjoying "The Other Side".
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010
It's 2010 and I'm praying for a better year. The last four years have been tough for me. I went through a three year (2003 - 2006) court battle to get a divorce. I was hit by a car in 2006, lost my grandmother in 2006, changed jobs in 2007, diagnosed with breast cancer and lost that job at the same time. Fought to save a child from the streets. Financially I hit rock bottom, don't know if I will ever completely recover. Went through treatment for breast cancer in 2009, so looking for 2010 to be a better year. However, God sent me wonderful support during my illness my Mom don't know what I would have done without her. My family, my friends, my church.
Trying to put some closure to the breast cancer treatment. I will have surgery once again on Jan. 11, 2010 to complete the breast reconstruction. I am on a new medication to block estrogen which fed my tumor, but having a difficult time with it. It's causing me bone pain and it's miserable to be in pain all the time. I plan to get back to acupunture to control some of the pain and may ultimately decide not to take the medicine and simply pray for protection from a recurrence after all there is no guarantee.
I feel like I can enjoy life again. I have also been working with other women who are facing breast cancer and that is rewarding in itself. I plan to go to Track Meets to see Tyler run, that should be fun! I will continue with the Steppers lessons and what ever else that will help me keep my stress level down. I truly focus on keeping my stress level down and will continue to do so. I remain prayerful in every aspect of my life and praying for a happy, health and properous 2010.
My goal is still to be good to people, but only to the extent that it is healthy and comfortable for me, and to realize that I can never make everyone happy. They are responsible for their own happiness just as I am responsible for mine.
- unknown
I won't worry about where I'll be in 5 or 10 years or really every for that matter. Instead I'll think about what I want to do and less about where I want to be. After all, I imagine that if I'm doing what I want to do then I will be where I need to be.
- unknown
Trying to put some closure to the breast cancer treatment. I will have surgery once again on Jan. 11, 2010 to complete the breast reconstruction. I am on a new medication to block estrogen which fed my tumor, but having a difficult time with it. It's causing me bone pain and it's miserable to be in pain all the time. I plan to get back to acupunture to control some of the pain and may ultimately decide not to take the medicine and simply pray for protection from a recurrence after all there is no guarantee.
I feel like I can enjoy life again. I have also been working with other women who are facing breast cancer and that is rewarding in itself. I plan to go to Track Meets to see Tyler run, that should be fun! I will continue with the Steppers lessons and what ever else that will help me keep my stress level down. I truly focus on keeping my stress level down and will continue to do so. I remain prayerful in every aspect of my life and praying for a happy, health and properous 2010.
My goal is still to be good to people, but only to the extent that it is healthy and comfortable for me, and to realize that I can never make everyone happy. They are responsible for their own happiness just as I am responsible for mine.
- unknown
I won't worry about where I'll be in 5 or 10 years or really every for that matter. Instead I'll think about what I want to do and less about where I want to be. After all, I imagine that if I'm doing what I want to do then I will be where I need to be.
- unknown
New Years Eve
I got my nails and toes done. I got my hair done, I bought a dress and some shoes and I went out by myself (kinda) to a stepper set in Tinley part. It's the first time I've been out to a party on New Year's Eve in 15 or 20 years. I met the folks in my Stepper's Class. It was nice to be out, but overall it was over rated! I don't actually remember New Year's Eve last year, but in comparison I'm sure I had better time.
I actually brought the New Year in alone, called Mom at Midnight and then went back into the party. I left the Stepper's set and went to Buggs and ran into Tyler there. Breyen, Tyler and I were all in by 3AM.
I worked at the Health Club on New Year's Day. When I came home you know I had to take a nap. Breyen and I went to JoAnne's for dinner. It was nice to hang out with her. It's been really wonderful to have the girls home and getting along. They don't keep the house clean but I guess you can't have everything!
I actually brought the New Year in alone, called Mom at Midnight and then went back into the party. I left the Stepper's set and went to Buggs and ran into Tyler there. Breyen, Tyler and I were all in by 3AM.
I worked at the Health Club on New Year's Day. When I came home you know I had to take a nap. Breyen and I went to JoAnne's for dinner. It was nice to hang out with her. It's been really wonderful to have the girls home and getting along. They don't keep the house clean but I guess you can't have everything!
Christmas 2009
Christmas was good. It was quiet and low key. A year ago on christmas I had had my second Chemo treatment. Dinner was here at my house. Ferando shaved my head because my hair was falling out. This year we had dinner at Mom's most of the family was there. Keenan did not come because he said he was not feeling well. In truth I think it was because he had not followed up on his health issues. I've been trying to reach out to him to motivate him to find treatment for his condition. I hope that he will find his way. I will give encouragement and help where I can. Aunt Girthy was not there. No one invited or went to get her. That's a shame. Mom simply said Aunt Girthy knows it's tradition to come here for Christmas. I hope they don't treat me that way if I live to be 94. This family can be crazy at times, but I love them all. The food and the company was good. Lots of little kids. Our family is growing again, the babies are not babies any more, they are grown and having babies. It was fun, Christmas really is about them.
Breyen and Tyler were both home for Christmas and getting along! I thank God, they have been able to spend time without fighting and bickering. I got earrings and a gift card from Breyen and a dress from Tyler. For the first time in their lives, we did not put up a Christmas Tree or lights. I just didn't feel up to it. I feel pretty good most days I just didn't have the energy for all of the extra. I felt a little bad because Tyler was home from school, but then I realized that both of the girls are old enough to take on these types of tasks.
We spent Christmas Eve with Trina and her family. Mom refused to come saying Trina was breaking tradition and that she was not invited. I called Mom at midnight to say Merry Christmas, I passed the phone around so that everyone could wish her a Merry Christmas. The grand kids said Mom sounded sad and like she wanted to cry. I just wish she would have come with us. We had a good time. We ate crabs legs and just had a good time. Christmas 2009 was definitely a better Christmas than last year!
Breyen and Tyler were both home for Christmas and getting along! I thank God, they have been able to spend time without fighting and bickering. I got earrings and a gift card from Breyen and a dress from Tyler. For the first time in their lives, we did not put up a Christmas Tree or lights. I just didn't feel up to it. I feel pretty good most days I just didn't have the energy for all of the extra. I felt a little bad because Tyler was home from school, but then I realized that both of the girls are old enough to take on these types of tasks.
We spent Christmas Eve with Trina and her family. Mom refused to come saying Trina was breaking tradition and that she was not invited. I called Mom at midnight to say Merry Christmas, I passed the phone around so that everyone could wish her a Merry Christmas. The grand kids said Mom sounded sad and like she wanted to cry. I just wish she would have come with us. We had a good time. We ate crabs legs and just had a good time. Christmas 2009 was definitely a better Christmas than last year!
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