I still worry about a recurrence, but I pray that cancer will never enter any part of my body ever again. My hair has grown back to almost shoulder length. I have most of my strength back. I have hot flashes now and if hell is any hotter it must just be a ball of fire. I've started to eat bad and gain weight, I'm working on fixing that because that's about saving my life. My feet hurt from time to time from the neuropathy as a result of the chemo, my left leg is also bigger from the chemo....that's nasty stuff.
I'm working now, my boss was giving me a hard time. I didn't think I was going last in this job. Life works in mysterious ways. My boss's sister has Breast cancer and has struggled with Chemo and had to have a double mastatomy and will have to have her uterus removed later. She also has to continue chemo. I shared with my boss that I am a Cancer survivior. My boss has chilled. I pray for her sister and her and I pray to keep my job.
I still continue to struggle with my relationship with my mother. There is no pleasing her. I pray for her. I pray for patience. As she gets older she gets harder for me to relate to. I'm tired of adjusting to find ways to make us work better, but I can't give up. I really hurt her by not taking her with me to get the girls settled in Champaigne. It was not my intent to hurt her, I was just looking for peace.
Breyen is in Champaign working. I pray for her contstantly. I hope that she will be well. I fought all of the girls lives to keep them with me and to keep us close. It seems for now that I have lost Breyen, but i had to let go. Train up a child in the way that they should go.....I'll wait for her to come back. In the mean time I'll keep her in prayer.
God is good to me, I am so very Blessed.
Be Blessed.
''
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Monday, May 17, 2010
Catching up
Some of you have asked "What's going on" ? Some have asked why I stopped writing. Well the writing is good for me so I guess I will try to get back to it. I have not written in while because I have been so angry. I'm not sure why I've been so angry, I mean after all I am here I survived all that I went thru in the last two years. However, I didn't come away unscarred.
I was angry becasue I had what I call "stupid breast cancer". I was angry because I wanted things to be the way they used to be. I was angry because I continue to be in so much pain. I was angry because I can't find the "new normal", the new me. I was angry because I'm in a lonely place and only company that can relate is the the ladies in my Cancer Support Group. I feel secure there because other ladies understand exactly where I am, they've been there; but it's such a sad place. Sometimes I don't go to the meetings because the ladies are so sad. I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be angry and every reason to be grateful. It's a funny thing we've all survived. We survived cancer and we survived the dreadful treatment for cancer. The anger has subsided now. I think it was just took time.
Now I'm lost. People look at me and they say " You look great". Looks are indeed deceiving; but are they really? I've got hair now so I guess that looks good. My hair is soft, curly, kinky, nappy whatever you want to call it. It is difficult to manage, it does's it's own thing. It's a different color. My hair has always been reddish brown. Now it's a dull black with gray strings (not cute). I covered it while it was growing with wigs and sew-ins. I never quite got the sew in that I wanted and I am sick of wigs. I know women wear them all the time now and I still wear them, but they really represent something different for me now. I'm working on feeling better when I have a wig on. On the surface compared to where I came from when I was going through chemo I guess I really am doing great. People don't see the scars on my back, on my sides (from the drainage tubes) on the re-constructed breast, and they don't see that one leg is now bigger than the other (from edema) and they don't want to see the difference in my hand and arm (from the lymphedema), and they ignore the dark circles around my eyes (because folks have dark circles from other things). I am in pain from the lympphedema and bone pain 80 to 90 percent of the time. I've learned to live with the pain, it's not fun but for the most part as long as I'm moving around I can ignore it.
I am suppose to take hormones to lower risk of recurrence but the hormone cause even more pain. One of the side effects is uterian cancer for a very small percentage of women. Well as most of you know I've been in that small percentage on most of this journey. The doctors say, no big deal if it happens we will just take your uterus out. Great! I've decided not take any of hormones because of the pain more than anything. I want to be able to enjoy the quality of my life as much as possible. When I take the hormones, I barely walk or get in and out of a chair or exercise or feel like doing anything other than concentrating on fighting off the pain. I have met lots of ladies who have been through what I've been through and more and they don't have these type of side effects. So, I'm fighting for the best well being and quality of life that my body will allow me. I am exercising now, running and recently discorvered that aqua arobics allow me freedom of movement without pain and helps the lymphedema. I'm trying to eat right, but not doing too good. I don't cook much anymore and this sweet tooth that I have is probably taking years off of my life. I'm working on it. I've lost a few pounds and that feels great so I'll try to stay focused.
I try to stay busy. I go to a Steppers class on Monday's. I work part time job on Tuesday's and I exercise the rest of the days. Work (the full time job), of course keeps me busy. My Boss is hard and as we say around the job she stays of my "Neck". I used to be really good at what ever I did at work but now I struggle. I pray that I can can keep my job but I just do the best I can. So, work is really stressful! I feel really dumb but hopefully I'll get back to my anal perfection with work one day soon. My level of concentration does seem to be getting better.
At home, things are about the same. The house is a mess. I don't fuss about it, I just clean it when I have the energy. Tyler is home and hopefully she and Breyen will get along for the summer. I don't plan to referee any agrguments they will have to figure it out on their own.
I went on a blind date last week. It's was nice to get out. He was a nice man but I was not attracted. Also, his wife died from breast cancer. I wouldn't do that to him even if I was attracted. My friends seem to think I need a nice man in my life. Well well, I can tell you that's a element of least concern to me.
I try not to look at or think too hard about my finaces so there's not much to say about that. It is what it is.
I think this about catches things up for now. I'll try to write more often.
Holla Yall!
I was angry becasue I had what I call "stupid breast cancer". I was angry because I wanted things to be the way they used to be. I was angry because I continue to be in so much pain. I was angry because I can't find the "new normal", the new me. I was angry because I'm in a lonely place and only company that can relate is the the ladies in my Cancer Support Group. I feel secure there because other ladies understand exactly where I am, they've been there; but it's such a sad place. Sometimes I don't go to the meetings because the ladies are so sad. I keep telling myself that I have no reason to be angry and every reason to be grateful. It's a funny thing we've all survived. We survived cancer and we survived the dreadful treatment for cancer. The anger has subsided now. I think it was just took time.
Now I'm lost. People look at me and they say " You look great". Looks are indeed deceiving; but are they really? I've got hair now so I guess that looks good. My hair is soft, curly, kinky, nappy whatever you want to call it. It is difficult to manage, it does's it's own thing. It's a different color. My hair has always been reddish brown. Now it's a dull black with gray strings (not cute). I covered it while it was growing with wigs and sew-ins. I never quite got the sew in that I wanted and I am sick of wigs. I know women wear them all the time now and I still wear them, but they really represent something different for me now. I'm working on feeling better when I have a wig on. On the surface compared to where I came from when I was going through chemo I guess I really am doing great. People don't see the scars on my back, on my sides (from the drainage tubes) on the re-constructed breast, and they don't see that one leg is now bigger than the other (from edema) and they don't want to see the difference in my hand and arm (from the lymphedema), and they ignore the dark circles around my eyes (because folks have dark circles from other things). I am in pain from the lympphedema and bone pain 80 to 90 percent of the time. I've learned to live with the pain, it's not fun but for the most part as long as I'm moving around I can ignore it.
I am suppose to take hormones to lower risk of recurrence but the hormone cause even more pain. One of the side effects is uterian cancer for a very small percentage of women. Well as most of you know I've been in that small percentage on most of this journey. The doctors say, no big deal if it happens we will just take your uterus out. Great! I've decided not take any of hormones because of the pain more than anything. I want to be able to enjoy the quality of my life as much as possible. When I take the hormones, I barely walk or get in and out of a chair or exercise or feel like doing anything other than concentrating on fighting off the pain. I have met lots of ladies who have been through what I've been through and more and they don't have these type of side effects. So, I'm fighting for the best well being and quality of life that my body will allow me. I am exercising now, running and recently discorvered that aqua arobics allow me freedom of movement without pain and helps the lymphedema. I'm trying to eat right, but not doing too good. I don't cook much anymore and this sweet tooth that I have is probably taking years off of my life. I'm working on it. I've lost a few pounds and that feels great so I'll try to stay focused.
I try to stay busy. I go to a Steppers class on Monday's. I work part time job on Tuesday's and I exercise the rest of the days. Work (the full time job), of course keeps me busy. My Boss is hard and as we say around the job she stays of my "Neck". I used to be really good at what ever I did at work but now I struggle. I pray that I can can keep my job but I just do the best I can. So, work is really stressful! I feel really dumb but hopefully I'll get back to my anal perfection with work one day soon. My level of concentration does seem to be getting better.
At home, things are about the same. The house is a mess. I don't fuss about it, I just clean it when I have the energy. Tyler is home and hopefully she and Breyen will get along for the summer. I don't plan to referee any agrguments they will have to figure it out on their own.
I went on a blind date last week. It's was nice to get out. He was a nice man but I was not attracted. Also, his wife died from breast cancer. I wouldn't do that to him even if I was attracted. My friends seem to think I need a nice man in my life. Well well, I can tell you that's a element of least concern to me.
I try not to look at or think too hard about my finaces so there's not much to say about that. It is what it is.
I think this about catches things up for now. I'll try to write more often.
Holla Yall!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Birthday
Today is my birthday. I had wanted to have a big Birthdat Party to celebrate my 50th as well as my 51st since I wasn't feeling very well on my 50th. The 50th is also clouded with the argument with Mom and her refusal to participant in my 50th birthday celebration. That was the biggest rift between us in all of my life. I guess we hurt each other to the core and I'm not sure that we are over it even today. I forgive but it did hurt. So I wanted today to be different, we can't change the past but can try to do better in the future. But, I didn't have the funds to have a party so I'm celebrating life!
I went out yesterday with Ms. JoAnne and her Aunt and some friends, that was fun. Today I started the day out stuck in the snow in the driveway when attempting to get to work. I was two hours late for work but I got here. Richard came by with his snow blower and shoveled both Bree and I out. (Good is so good...when I called Richard I didn't even know he had a snow blower.) When I got to work Mel had a big balloon tied to my chair with a card. A ton of family called or texted to say Happy Birthday and I'm thanking God for another birthday.
Happy Birthday!
I continue to heal from the surgery and maybe by summer it will all be done! Yahoo!
I went out yesterday with Ms. JoAnne and her Aunt and some friends, that was fun. Today I started the day out stuck in the snow in the driveway when attempting to get to work. I was two hours late for work but I got here. Richard came by with his snow blower and shoveled both Bree and I out. (Good is so good...when I called Richard I didn't even know he had a snow blower.) When I got to work Mel had a big balloon tied to my chair with a card. A ton of family called or texted to say Happy Birthday and I'm thanking God for another birthday.
Happy Birthday!
I continue to heal from the surgery and maybe by summer it will all be done! Yahoo!
The Other side
This blog entry is entitle "The other Side" because Ferlando called my last surgery this way.
I had surgery on Feb. 8 and it went well. Mom and Chris escorted me to the hospital. They stayed with me until I was alert to speak sensibly after surgery. I went into Surgery around 5:37 Pm and I think I was out by 9PM. Mom and Chris left around 11 PM. I actually felt pretty good when I woke up. I did get snowed in at the hospital. Trina had to have her friend Micheal pick me up from the Hospital. He took me to her at Skokie Hospital where she now works. Trina and I went shopping for fresh undies and night clothes. We got something to eat and spent the night at the doubletree hotel, which PeeWee arranged and paid for us. It was nice just being with my sister, we had fun except I fell asleep on her! Oh well one day out of surgery what can you expect. I saw the docter the next day before going home and he indicated that I was doing well. Breyen picked me up from the Dr's office and we went back to Homewood and had lunch with Chris and Alex. I am amazed at how good I've been feeling after surgery but grateful. Perhaps Ferlando is right, maybe this is 'The Other Side" I certainly hope so.
The issue now is finding the right hormone to take for the next five years. I've tried two so far and the last one made me very sick. I do take a natural supplement that is supposed to to the same thing but there is no scienctid study to back up the claim. I'm inclined to just take the natural supplement and pray because the other meds have so many side effects and cause so much pain that the quality of life is greatly diminished. I'm praying about it; for now I'm enjoying "The Other Side".
I had surgery on Feb. 8 and it went well. Mom and Chris escorted me to the hospital. They stayed with me until I was alert to speak sensibly after surgery. I went into Surgery around 5:37 Pm and I think I was out by 9PM. Mom and Chris left around 11 PM. I actually felt pretty good when I woke up. I did get snowed in at the hospital. Trina had to have her friend Micheal pick me up from the Hospital. He took me to her at Skokie Hospital where she now works. Trina and I went shopping for fresh undies and night clothes. We got something to eat and spent the night at the doubletree hotel, which PeeWee arranged and paid for us. It was nice just being with my sister, we had fun except I fell asleep on her! Oh well one day out of surgery what can you expect. I saw the docter the next day before going home and he indicated that I was doing well. Breyen picked me up from the Dr's office and we went back to Homewood and had lunch with Chris and Alex. I am amazed at how good I've been feeling after surgery but grateful. Perhaps Ferlando is right, maybe this is 'The Other Side" I certainly hope so.
The issue now is finding the right hormone to take for the next five years. I've tried two so far and the last one made me very sick. I do take a natural supplement that is supposed to to the same thing but there is no scienctid study to back up the claim. I'm inclined to just take the natural supplement and pray because the other meds have so many side effects and cause so much pain that the quality of life is greatly diminished. I'm praying about it; for now I'm enjoying "The Other Side".
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010
It's 2010 and I'm praying for a better year. The last four years have been tough for me. I went through a three year (2003 - 2006) court battle to get a divorce. I was hit by a car in 2006, lost my grandmother in 2006, changed jobs in 2007, diagnosed with breast cancer and lost that job at the same time. Fought to save a child from the streets. Financially I hit rock bottom, don't know if I will ever completely recover. Went through treatment for breast cancer in 2009, so looking for 2010 to be a better year. However, God sent me wonderful support during my illness my Mom don't know what I would have done without her. My family, my friends, my church.
Trying to put some closure to the breast cancer treatment. I will have surgery once again on Jan. 11, 2010 to complete the breast reconstruction. I am on a new medication to block estrogen which fed my tumor, but having a difficult time with it. It's causing me bone pain and it's miserable to be in pain all the time. I plan to get back to acupunture to control some of the pain and may ultimately decide not to take the medicine and simply pray for protection from a recurrence after all there is no guarantee.
I feel like I can enjoy life again. I have also been working with other women who are facing breast cancer and that is rewarding in itself. I plan to go to Track Meets to see Tyler run, that should be fun! I will continue with the Steppers lessons and what ever else that will help me keep my stress level down. I truly focus on keeping my stress level down and will continue to do so. I remain prayerful in every aspect of my life and praying for a happy, health and properous 2010.
My goal is still to be good to people, but only to the extent that it is healthy and comfortable for me, and to realize that I can never make everyone happy. They are responsible for their own happiness just as I am responsible for mine.
- unknown
I won't worry about where I'll be in 5 or 10 years or really every for that matter. Instead I'll think about what I want to do and less about where I want to be. After all, I imagine that if I'm doing what I want to do then I will be where I need to be.
- unknown
Trying to put some closure to the breast cancer treatment. I will have surgery once again on Jan. 11, 2010 to complete the breast reconstruction. I am on a new medication to block estrogen which fed my tumor, but having a difficult time with it. It's causing me bone pain and it's miserable to be in pain all the time. I plan to get back to acupunture to control some of the pain and may ultimately decide not to take the medicine and simply pray for protection from a recurrence after all there is no guarantee.
I feel like I can enjoy life again. I have also been working with other women who are facing breast cancer and that is rewarding in itself. I plan to go to Track Meets to see Tyler run, that should be fun! I will continue with the Steppers lessons and what ever else that will help me keep my stress level down. I truly focus on keeping my stress level down and will continue to do so. I remain prayerful in every aspect of my life and praying for a happy, health and properous 2010.
My goal is still to be good to people, but only to the extent that it is healthy and comfortable for me, and to realize that I can never make everyone happy. They are responsible for their own happiness just as I am responsible for mine.
- unknown
I won't worry about where I'll be in 5 or 10 years or really every for that matter. Instead I'll think about what I want to do and less about where I want to be. After all, I imagine that if I'm doing what I want to do then I will be where I need to be.
- unknown
New Years Eve
I got my nails and toes done. I got my hair done, I bought a dress and some shoes and I went out by myself (kinda) to a stepper set in Tinley part. It's the first time I've been out to a party on New Year's Eve in 15 or 20 years. I met the folks in my Stepper's Class. It was nice to be out, but overall it was over rated! I don't actually remember New Year's Eve last year, but in comparison I'm sure I had better time.
I actually brought the New Year in alone, called Mom at Midnight and then went back into the party. I left the Stepper's set and went to Buggs and ran into Tyler there. Breyen, Tyler and I were all in by 3AM.
I worked at the Health Club on New Year's Day. When I came home you know I had to take a nap. Breyen and I went to JoAnne's for dinner. It was nice to hang out with her. It's been really wonderful to have the girls home and getting along. They don't keep the house clean but I guess you can't have everything!
I actually brought the New Year in alone, called Mom at Midnight and then went back into the party. I left the Stepper's set and went to Buggs and ran into Tyler there. Breyen, Tyler and I were all in by 3AM.
I worked at the Health Club on New Year's Day. When I came home you know I had to take a nap. Breyen and I went to JoAnne's for dinner. It was nice to hang out with her. It's been really wonderful to have the girls home and getting along. They don't keep the house clean but I guess you can't have everything!
Christmas 2009
Christmas was good. It was quiet and low key. A year ago on christmas I had had my second Chemo treatment. Dinner was here at my house. Ferando shaved my head because my hair was falling out. This year we had dinner at Mom's most of the family was there. Keenan did not come because he said he was not feeling well. In truth I think it was because he had not followed up on his health issues. I've been trying to reach out to him to motivate him to find treatment for his condition. I hope that he will find his way. I will give encouragement and help where I can. Aunt Girthy was not there. No one invited or went to get her. That's a shame. Mom simply said Aunt Girthy knows it's tradition to come here for Christmas. I hope they don't treat me that way if I live to be 94. This family can be crazy at times, but I love them all. The food and the company was good. Lots of little kids. Our family is growing again, the babies are not babies any more, they are grown and having babies. It was fun, Christmas really is about them.
Breyen and Tyler were both home for Christmas and getting along! I thank God, they have been able to spend time without fighting and bickering. I got earrings and a gift card from Breyen and a dress from Tyler. For the first time in their lives, we did not put up a Christmas Tree or lights. I just didn't feel up to it. I feel pretty good most days I just didn't have the energy for all of the extra. I felt a little bad because Tyler was home from school, but then I realized that both of the girls are old enough to take on these types of tasks.
We spent Christmas Eve with Trina and her family. Mom refused to come saying Trina was breaking tradition and that she was not invited. I called Mom at midnight to say Merry Christmas, I passed the phone around so that everyone could wish her a Merry Christmas. The grand kids said Mom sounded sad and like she wanted to cry. I just wish she would have come with us. We had a good time. We ate crabs legs and just had a good time. Christmas 2009 was definitely a better Christmas than last year!
Breyen and Tyler were both home for Christmas and getting along! I thank God, they have been able to spend time without fighting and bickering. I got earrings and a gift card from Breyen and a dress from Tyler. For the first time in their lives, we did not put up a Christmas Tree or lights. I just didn't feel up to it. I feel pretty good most days I just didn't have the energy for all of the extra. I felt a little bad because Tyler was home from school, but then I realized that both of the girls are old enough to take on these types of tasks.
We spent Christmas Eve with Trina and her family. Mom refused to come saying Trina was breaking tradition and that she was not invited. I called Mom at midnight to say Merry Christmas, I passed the phone around so that everyone could wish her a Merry Christmas. The grand kids said Mom sounded sad and like she wanted to cry. I just wish she would have come with us. We had a good time. We ate crabs legs and just had a good time. Christmas 2009 was definitely a better Christmas than last year!
Thanksgiving
Well Thanksgiving came around and it was much different than a year ago. A year ago we were at Mom's and I was healing from the Mastesectomy. This year we had dinner at my house. I was really excited to have dinner at my house. It gave me some since of feeling normal, the old normal It was good. I only had one disaapointment. My Mom came to dinner and refused to participate, she refused to even come into the dinning room for prayer and blessing of the food. I did attempt to find out what was bothering her and she said that I treat her like a dog! I decided not to spend much time on it. I simply apologized for whatever she thought I did, and told her I was sorry she felt that way. I left it at that and went on to enjoy my day. Later I found out she was angry because I had not told her who I had invited to dinner so that she could prepare enough food. We had plenty of food. I continue to pray for Mom. It's all I can do because I refuse to allow her issues to cause me stress but I do pray that she can come to grips with her issues put some closesure to them and stop putting a damper on others and particularly on special occassions.
It was good to see family that we had not seen in a while. Thera came, Georgia and the kids and Dani and Mike along with friends and Robin clean and with her kids . I had a good day!
It was good to see family that we had not seen in a while. Thera came, Georgia and the kids and Dani and Mike along with friends and Robin clean and with her kids . I had a good day!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Reflection
Tyler and I had an opportunity to reflect on this past year. She said she remembers how sad she was when I was going through chemo. I told her I was amazed at the support I received. I was most disappointed in Breyen yet I understood that she was handlin my illness the best way she knew how. I told her Grandma was a God send, dispite some of the things she did to drive me crazy. I don't know what Iwould have done without her.
It's a been a long year and prayerfully I won't ever have to go back down that route.
Today, they are till stuggling to find a hormone for me to take for the next five years to help protect against recurrence. The lymphedema is under control for now. I still have not received
my custom sleeve. The guy I was working with was a greedy little bugger who didn't give a crap about the patients he services. So I have to find someone else and start the process over.
I had date a few weeks ago. It was fun. However, not so sure there will be more dates to follow. That's ok cause I still have to work on me. I've been trying really hard to loose weight, nothing seems to work but I'm not giving up.
I have consultantion scheduled in Dec to see if my skin has healed enough from the radiation to finish up the breast reconstruction. I hope it's ready because I'm ready. I hope he will also be able to do a size reduction...I hate having big boobs! I used to pray when I was growing up not to have big boobs I got caught up in the hype got 'em a little bigger and I don't like it at all. We'll see.
The job is taxing. I don't have the energy I use to have and it's hard to focus. It gettng a little easier maybe in time it will get better. Working two jobs is really hard so I have to plan rest times so that I don't wipe myself out. I work the part time job two days week. I know it doesn't sound like much but it kicks my butt. And, I don't like working on Sundays but until something else opens up I'll deal with it. Chris an I are alternating Sunday's so that helps a lot. I use the extra money as Tyler's allowance, gas sometimes and groceries sometimes. My fiances as a whole are shot but I try not to worry about that; hopefully it will work itself out in the years to come.
My hair is growing back. It's long enough to braid and still super curly! Maybe this time next year it will be back. It's totally out of control...it does it's own thing, but I'm glad it's here.
Well I start the new hormone this week, it has lots of ugly side effects. If it does me too bad, I'm not going to take it. I followed all of the doctor's recommendations so far and sometimes I've been no better off, so we shall see how this new drug works.
Holla back!
It's a been a long year and prayerfully I won't ever have to go back down that route.
Today, they are till stuggling to find a hormone for me to take for the next five years to help protect against recurrence. The lymphedema is under control for now. I still have not received
my custom sleeve. The guy I was working with was a greedy little bugger who didn't give a crap about the patients he services. So I have to find someone else and start the process over.
I had date a few weeks ago. It was fun. However, not so sure there will be more dates to follow. That's ok cause I still have to work on me. I've been trying really hard to loose weight, nothing seems to work but I'm not giving up.
I have consultantion scheduled in Dec to see if my skin has healed enough from the radiation to finish up the breast reconstruction. I hope it's ready because I'm ready. I hope he will also be able to do a size reduction...I hate having big boobs! I used to pray when I was growing up not to have big boobs I got caught up in the hype got 'em a little bigger and I don't like it at all. We'll see.
The job is taxing. I don't have the energy I use to have and it's hard to focus. It gettng a little easier maybe in time it will get better. Working two jobs is really hard so I have to plan rest times so that I don't wipe myself out. I work the part time job two days week. I know it doesn't sound like much but it kicks my butt. And, I don't like working on Sundays but until something else opens up I'll deal with it. Chris an I are alternating Sunday's so that helps a lot. I use the extra money as Tyler's allowance, gas sometimes and groceries sometimes. My fiances as a whole are shot but I try not to worry about that; hopefully it will work itself out in the years to come.
My hair is growing back. It's long enough to braid and still super curly! Maybe this time next year it will be back. It's totally out of control...it does it's own thing, but I'm glad it's here.
Well I start the new hormone this week, it has lots of ugly side effects. If it does me too bad, I'm not going to take it. I followed all of the doctor's recommendations so far and sometimes I've been no better off, so we shall see how this new drug works.
Holla back!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
One Year to the day
Well, it's been one year. October 29,2008 I had a mastsectomy. Its been a whirl wind year. I've had chemotheary, lost my hair, had lymph node surgery, radiation and now lympehedema. Financially I've taken a beating. I was off work for almost a year. I found a job two months ago and now I'm trying to catch. My refrigeration went out and two weeks ago my stove literally zapped me with a bolt of electricity and then went out. I'll worry about that later.
I'm fnding a balance...the lypmphedema is a constant reminder of the beast cancer as well as the tamoxifen, which I am now having an allergic reaction to....oh well. I'm thankful and glad to still be among the living.
Breyen is doing really well.. I got her a job at the health club and they absolutely love her. She's working hard and staying out of trouble. Tyler is doing well at school, she's striving for that 3.0 or higher. Her track coach saids she works hard and she's getting better and better.
My job is really a challenge, chemo brain is a reality and I'm struggling to keep up. I have to keep my arm wrapped esp. at work because typing adds to the spelling. Everyone at work wants to know what's going on with my arm. I just tell them I have some fluid retention! In fact I don't have any protection on my arm now so I have to cut this short. I should get my custom made sleeve on Monday.
One year and still kicking, lot of dark moments, lots of lots and lots of love and support. I am so very thankful!
I'm fnding a balance...the lypmphedema is a constant reminder of the beast cancer as well as the tamoxifen, which I am now having an allergic reaction to....oh well. I'm thankful and glad to still be among the living.
Breyen is doing really well.. I got her a job at the health club and they absolutely love her. She's working hard and staying out of trouble. Tyler is doing well at school, she's striving for that 3.0 or higher. Her track coach saids she works hard and she's getting better and better.
My job is really a challenge, chemo brain is a reality and I'm struggling to keep up. I have to keep my arm wrapped esp. at work because typing adds to the spelling. Everyone at work wants to know what's going on with my arm. I just tell them I have some fluid retention! In fact I don't have any protection on my arm now so I have to cut this short. I should get my custom made sleeve on Monday.
One year and still kicking, lot of dark moments, lots of lots and lots of love and support. I am so very thankful!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I just can't win
I feel like crying, I feel like screaming…This damned disease and its treatment has wrecked havoc! Now I have lymphedema. It’s the painful swelling of limbs when fluid is unable to past thru the lymphatic system properly. Now I will have to walk around witha fat arm and a sleeve on at all times and have constant therapy to control it. It seems there is a cure for some cancers if you catch it in time, as is the case with breast cancer. However, guest what…there is no cure for lymphedema .
It makes me think back on my decision to have my stupid lymph nodes removed; did I know this was going to happen? Ferlando would say it’s self fulfilling prophecy. I say I’ll be Dam “ed” or I should say I am Dam “ed”. It’s so frustrating! Just makes me keep wondering what the hell have I done in this life for this ass kicking to continue. I’ve always said when I die I want to be cremated but hesitate because I know my family doesn’t agree with it, but as the days of my life continue and all this stuff keeps happening to this ole body, I think just cremate it. Yeap, I’m not denying it; this is a dark moment for me so just pray for me. Well I’ve always liked Gone With The Wind” and today I am going to be focused on being like Scarlet O’Hara…in the end when she just doesn’t know what she’s going to do she saids…”I’ll think about that tomorrow”.
It makes me think back on my decision to have my stupid lymph nodes removed; did I know this was going to happen? Ferlando would say it’s self fulfilling prophecy. I say I’ll be Dam “ed” or I should say I am Dam “ed”. It’s so frustrating! Just makes me keep wondering what the hell have I done in this life for this ass kicking to continue. I’ve always said when I die I want to be cremated but hesitate because I know my family doesn’t agree with it, but as the days of my life continue and all this stuff keeps happening to this ole body, I think just cremate it. Yeap, I’m not denying it; this is a dark moment for me so just pray for me. Well I’ve always liked Gone With The Wind” and today I am going to be focused on being like Scarlet O’Hara…in the end when she just doesn’t know what she’s going to do she saids…”I’ll think about that tomorrow”.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Checking In
It's been a while I know. However, I have been struggling with writing lately. I'm not sure why. In some ways I think it's because I'd like to think that after the last radiation treatment, the cancer is over and I can get back to life. Right away I hopped on a bus with Darlene and the Angelic Flyers headed for North Carolina. It was a vacation and a bit of a celebration for me as I completed radiation. Thank you Darlene. Well the radiation did burn my skin, however it's been a little over a month and my skin almost has it's natural color back, except in the area where the tumor was located. That area is still dark. I have to wait three to four months now before going back to surgery to finish up the breast reconstruction. They say most women don't finish it, but I have gone thru a lot and I would like to finish it. I plan to have a conversation at that time with the doctor about the possibility of reducing my breast size. I don't like these big breast but if it has to be I guess it will be.
I have more hair now. I have what I like to refer to as a boy afro. It's not enough hair to braid but it;s getting there. It's extremely curly not nappy but actually curly. Yeah if you know me you know I don't like it. Don't misunderstand, I'm grateful for being here and the hair that I have it's just me. Everyone saids I look like Robin Robinson on channel 7. I think they say that because they don't know what else to say. It grates on my nerve a bit as I know I don't look like her, people just throw us in the same bucket because we both had breast cancer. Anyway I don't like her hair either so it's no compliment to me. I guess I'm a bit jaded that way. I know folks mean well and I accept that. The curls are so tight even gel does not flatten them. Each day the curls and the gel do their own thing and I go with the flow.
Radiation in the end robbed me of my energy. It's slowly coming back but I surely don't have the energy that I used to have. I take vitimins I'm also doing a detox and I do feel better but the energy level is slow to come back. The worst thing is my feet. I believe the problem with my feet is the neropathy from the chemo. The pain is different than it was while on chemo. Sometimes my feet hurt so bad I can barley walk. When I have to get out of bed during the night to go the bathroom, I forget the pain until my feet hit the floor. Sometimes I almost fall from the pain. Once I get going most days the pain decreases as the day goes on. My body used to ache so bad it was just difficult to move around. I now get acupnture. In the beginning I was getting acupture once a week now I'm down to every two weeks. The acuputure has gotten rid of the body aches, but it hasn't taken the pain from my feet. I've learned to function with the pain in my feet but I do hope that 0ne day it will go away. The side effects from the drugs that save your life are a bitch.
In the mean time life goes on. Tyler has gone away to school. I miss her laughter and zeal for life we talk often and I just want her to be happy. Breyen is here at home with me. She's going to school and looking for work. Mom isn't feeling well, I just keep praying that she is well and will feel better soon.
The house is having it's own crisis. Mortgage is not paid has been for three months, the refrigertor decided it wanted to check out and my stove decided it was done too. I just go with the flow. Funny a year ago life was so different. Well as they say "you know where you've been but you sure as hell don't know where you're going. We'll see what God has in store for me now. I'm looking for good things. Somehow the mortgage will get paid, a refrigerator will get replaced and the stove will get fixed. My church has decided to help me get another refrigertor after my Mom fussed at them for not doing anything for me during my illness. I appreciate it but it bothers me that the assistance comes on the heels of my mother's telling them that they needed to help. God has blessed me with so much just when it's needed.
I'm back to work and that's a struggle with my enegy level but I[m getting better slowly. I now have gained twenty pounds. Time to get serious and try to get it off. Not good for me as cancer cells like to hide in fat.
One of my church members was diagnosed with breast cancer and that really saddened me. I hate the idea of anyone having to go through the treatment. However, I also met a lady this week who is a eight year breast cancer survivior and she's engaged to be married. That's encouraging.
I have to take tamoxifen for the next five years. I won't even talk about the side effects of that.
Holla
I have more hair now. I have what I like to refer to as a boy afro. It's not enough hair to braid but it;s getting there. It's extremely curly not nappy but actually curly. Yeah if you know me you know I don't like it. Don't misunderstand, I'm grateful for being here and the hair that I have it's just me. Everyone saids I look like Robin Robinson on channel 7. I think they say that because they don't know what else to say. It grates on my nerve a bit as I know I don't look like her, people just throw us in the same bucket because we both had breast cancer. Anyway I don't like her hair either so it's no compliment to me. I guess I'm a bit jaded that way. I know folks mean well and I accept that. The curls are so tight even gel does not flatten them. Each day the curls and the gel do their own thing and I go with the flow.
Radiation in the end robbed me of my energy. It's slowly coming back but I surely don't have the energy that I used to have. I take vitimins I'm also doing a detox and I do feel better but the energy level is slow to come back. The worst thing is my feet. I believe the problem with my feet is the neropathy from the chemo. The pain is different than it was while on chemo. Sometimes my feet hurt so bad I can barley walk. When I have to get out of bed during the night to go the bathroom, I forget the pain until my feet hit the floor. Sometimes I almost fall from the pain. Once I get going most days the pain decreases as the day goes on. My body used to ache so bad it was just difficult to move around. I now get acupnture. In the beginning I was getting acupture once a week now I'm down to every two weeks. The acuputure has gotten rid of the body aches, but it hasn't taken the pain from my feet. I've learned to function with the pain in my feet but I do hope that 0ne day it will go away. The side effects from the drugs that save your life are a bitch.
In the mean time life goes on. Tyler has gone away to school. I miss her laughter and zeal for life we talk often and I just want her to be happy. Breyen is here at home with me. She's going to school and looking for work. Mom isn't feeling well, I just keep praying that she is well and will feel better soon.
The house is having it's own crisis. Mortgage is not paid has been for three months, the refrigertor decided it wanted to check out and my stove decided it was done too. I just go with the flow. Funny a year ago life was so different. Well as they say "you know where you've been but you sure as hell don't know where you're going. We'll see what God has in store for me now. I'm looking for good things. Somehow the mortgage will get paid, a refrigerator will get replaced and the stove will get fixed. My church has decided to help me get another refrigertor after my Mom fussed at them for not doing anything for me during my illness. I appreciate it but it bothers me that the assistance comes on the heels of my mother's telling them that they needed to help. God has blessed me with so much just when it's needed.
I'm back to work and that's a struggle with my enegy level but I[m getting better slowly. I now have gained twenty pounds. Time to get serious and try to get it off. Not good for me as cancer cells like to hide in fat.
One of my church members was diagnosed with breast cancer and that really saddened me. I hate the idea of anyone having to go through the treatment. However, I also met a lady this week who is a eight year breast cancer survivior and she's engaged to be married. That's encouraging.
I have to take tamoxifen for the next five years. I won't even talk about the side effects of that.
Holla
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
The Last Day of Radiation
SIX WEEKS OF RADIATION -FIVE DAYS A WEEK ...it's over, over, over
I know it's been a while since I've let you all know what's going on. Today is the last day of radiation (July 28, 2009). It's the last and 33rd radiation treatment, yea. For the last six weeks, five days a week. I've have got up like going to a job and climbing on to a radiation table to be zapped. I usually walk into the the doctors office around 8:50 and I am usually out by 9:12AM. The nurses are all very nice, the office and exam rooms are also nice and I must say it has not been bad at all. My skin did burn. The skin actually looks burned, it is dark reddest brown and in some places the outer layer of the skin has burned until it has turned pink. They give you a cream to help with the burn. I also used a natural aloe vera plant. A friend of my counsin's let me know about the aloe vera, she told me to mix the gel from the plant with the cream from the doctor. The two don't mix very well so in the end I just rubbed the gel from the plant onto my skin and layer it with the cream from the doctor. The nurses tell me that my skin has held up very well. I wonder what they see, but then I have nothing to compare it with. According to the nurses they see much worst. I was told at the begining that radiation can make you fatigued. I worked out everyday after radiation, I also ran outside, but now that I am at the end I am actually fatigued. I can do everyday stuff but anything that required a lot of energy wears me out. So now in two weeks I will see the onocologist for a prescription for tamoxifin which I will need to take for the next five years.
My hair is growing back. I have a small afro. My hair is coming back in with some grey and it is extreming curly. I put a little wave cream on it at times in an attempt to make it lay down but that only lasts a few hours. I don't like it, but the good part is that it is growing and for now it is wash and wear hair. I look ten years older and I feel 20 years older. I move slower and my body aches all the time. I am also now having hot flashes that make me feel like I might pass out from the stifling heat, I break out in a sweat and even my knee caps sweat. The doctor saids it will get worst on the tamoxfin...all things considered I am still here!
The treatment for breast cancer and I suppose any cancer is no fun. One has to be strong and focused to get through it all and the realization that things will NEVER be the same is daunting. People ask me what I have learned from this experience. Sometimes, I think I've learned to destress, the things that used to bother me don't any more. My faith in God is stronger and my faith in people as a whole has diminished a great deal. I take nothing for granite and I look at the world as if it is a picture and I'm outside the picture. I understand being alone. I'm thankful for my many and wonderful blessings. I'm thankful for my life.
Other parts of my life have remained the same. Family, Friends, Trails, Tribulations, they are all still there I just view them differently. My finances have been shot to hell, mortgage not paid, no phone, no cable, Refrigerator gone out, car note not paid, you name it. However, I know I am blessed and I'm not stressed. It wil all work itself out. As they say you know where you been just not where you're going. I wonder at times where all of this will leave me and then I realize if I live long enough I'll find out!.
That's it for now. I'll update you after my last treatment today at 9AM.
Holla
I know it's been a while since I've let you all know what's going on. Today is the last day of radiation (July 28, 2009). It's the last and 33rd radiation treatment, yea. For the last six weeks, five days a week. I've have got up like going to a job and climbing on to a radiation table to be zapped. I usually walk into the the doctors office around 8:50 and I am usually out by 9:12AM. The nurses are all very nice, the office and exam rooms are also nice and I must say it has not been bad at all. My skin did burn. The skin actually looks burned, it is dark reddest brown and in some places the outer layer of the skin has burned until it has turned pink. They give you a cream to help with the burn. I also used a natural aloe vera plant. A friend of my counsin's let me know about the aloe vera, she told me to mix the gel from the plant with the cream from the doctor. The two don't mix very well so in the end I just rubbed the gel from the plant onto my skin and layer it with the cream from the doctor. The nurses tell me that my skin has held up very well. I wonder what they see, but then I have nothing to compare it with. According to the nurses they see much worst. I was told at the begining that radiation can make you fatigued. I worked out everyday after radiation, I also ran outside, but now that I am at the end I am actually fatigued. I can do everyday stuff but anything that required a lot of energy wears me out. So now in two weeks I will see the onocologist for a prescription for tamoxifin which I will need to take for the next five years.
My hair is growing back. I have a small afro. My hair is coming back in with some grey and it is extreming curly. I put a little wave cream on it at times in an attempt to make it lay down but that only lasts a few hours. I don't like it, but the good part is that it is growing and for now it is wash and wear hair. I look ten years older and I feel 20 years older. I move slower and my body aches all the time. I am also now having hot flashes that make me feel like I might pass out from the stifling heat, I break out in a sweat and even my knee caps sweat. The doctor saids it will get worst on the tamoxfin...all things considered I am still here!
The treatment for breast cancer and I suppose any cancer is no fun. One has to be strong and focused to get through it all and the realization that things will NEVER be the same is daunting. People ask me what I have learned from this experience. Sometimes, I think I've learned to destress, the things that used to bother me don't any more. My faith in God is stronger and my faith in people as a whole has diminished a great deal. I take nothing for granite and I look at the world as if it is a picture and I'm outside the picture. I understand being alone. I'm thankful for my many and wonderful blessings. I'm thankful for my life.
Other parts of my life have remained the same. Family, Friends, Trails, Tribulations, they are all still there I just view them differently. My finances have been shot to hell, mortgage not paid, no phone, no cable, Refrigerator gone out, car note not paid, you name it. However, I know I am blessed and I'm not stressed. It wil all work itself out. As they say you know where you been just not where you're going. I wonder at times where all of this will leave me and then I realize if I live long enough I'll find out!.
That's it for now. I'll update you after my last treatment today at 9AM.
Holla
Thursday, June 18, 2009
The Burn
Well I already knew that I did not fall into that "most" category. Recall that the doctor said that most people don't feel anything with radiation until half through or almost done. I have only had three treatments and the burn has began. I talked to the doctor today and she recommended that I take tylenol or alieve. I have been using the cream and aloe vera and still the burn. If it gets too bad I will refulse to finish up the raditaion. I've had enough. I'm tired. Tired of hurting when I get up in the morning, tired of not being able to do the things I used to do just six months ago. Tired of my shoulder hurting, tired of my knee hurting, tire of this ugly short tight curly hair, tired of man's cure for cancer tearing me down. Tired of the bill collectors, tired of the children thinking the world is waiting for them, tired of feeling dizzy all the time, tired of folks depending on me to get things done. I have no more strategies, solutions, energy you name it. I guess I'll think about the rest tomorrow. Just Praying!
Holla
Holla
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
After Radiation
I am still fighting this cold. I have a sore throat. I had a few antibiotics but the sore throat just doubled back. I will try calling the doctor tomorrow. I am not sure if it's the radiation but right now I am just fatigued. My bones hurt and my knee is swollen and painful. The neuropathy is acting up in my feet. My back hurts. I really need to feel and live the statment "this too shall pass" .
All things considered I am well. Tyler and I went to U of I today. She has a tough schedule for her freshman year, hopefully that too will work itself out. I wish she were more excited about school. It will be challenging but it will be fun if she will allow it to be. I'm gonna miss her but I am also excited for her!
I have the next radiation treatment tomorrow. I'll holla back later
All things considered I am well. Tyler and I went to U of I today. She has a tough schedule for her freshman year, hopefully that too will work itself out. I wish she were more excited about school. It will be challenging but it will be fun if she will allow it to be. I'm gonna miss her but I am also excited for her!
I have the next radiation treatment tomorrow. I'll holla back later
Monday, June 15, 2009
The first day of Radiiation
Today I did get radiation. When I arrived I went straight to the dressing room. I put on a gown and a robe. The tech came to get me and we went into the room where the xray machine is kept. I laid on a table with my right breast exposed and it took about ten minutes and I was on my way. I didn't feel a thing. However, I did use the cream that was prescribed to prevent burning. When I left the doctor's office I went and sat with Chris for awhile. I came home and took Jasmine out for a walk and then headed to physical thearpy. I'm really feeling sluggish because I am still fight this cold and now I have a sore throat. I took a nap, got up and went to the track. I didn't stay because I was not feeling well. I went to the health food store to see if I could find something that would help me fight the sore throat. I called the doctor but can't get into see him until Thursday. I have to take Tyler to U of I tomorrow, so I hope I feel better in the morning.
Well 29 more treatments to go. Hopefully my skin will hold up and I won't get much burning and irriatation and the fatigue will not set in. I'm already so fatigued from the chemo and now this cold. The tell me chemo side effects should go away in about six months. Three down three to go. Praying this will be over soon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAR!
Holla
Well 29 more treatments to go. Hopefully my skin will hold up and I won't get much burning and irriatation and the fatigue will not set in. I'm already so fatigued from the chemo and now this cold. The tell me chemo side effects should go away in about six months. Three down three to go. Praying this will be over soon.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAR!
Holla
Sunday, June 14, 2009
The day before Radiotion Treatment #1
Well tomorrow is the day for the first radiation treatment. I thoought they were going to start on last Friday but instead they did more marking. The nurse offered to tatto the marks needed for radiation and I looked at her like she was crazy. She told me the tatoo would just look like freckles and that most of their patients get the tatoo. Well as I said before I am not "most". I have natural freckles I don't need any tatooed on and I have enough scars so I don't need to add anything to it. So the nurse told me to think about it because other wise I would have to try to keep the marking on which she covered with clear tape.
Anyway my appointments are Monday thru Friday at 9 AM. I said I needed to get back to work. Well this will be like getting up to go to work. In addition I have physical thearpy three days a week. I still have a few issues with cording from the lymph node surgery. I am trying to get back to my exercise level because the radiology doctor told me to try to keep to what I would normally do but not to add anything new while getting radiation. Oh, and swimming is out. I have start on my multi vitamin and I'm really going to need it as radiation causes fatigue. And get this I had a wipe out day on Sat. I guess I over did it and the fatigue from chemo hit me like a rock. Also, I was fighting a cold. I went out did a interval job with Erica for two miles and walked one mile. I then went to a graduation party with Tyler. On Sat. when I woke up I could barely move. My body hurt terribly. I slept most of the day and really needed the rest. Today I also took it easy because I don't want to go into radiation fatigued. I went out briefly to get an aloe vera plant which I will use with the radiation creame that was prescribed to try to prevent the burning and irriatation as a result of the radiation. The doctor said I will probably start to burn about half way through. Well just pray that it doesn't happen and if it does that it is not bad. I have to have 30 treatments which adds of to six weeks. I will not get radiation if I am sick, if my blood count is too low, I just take a day off or their machine breaks down. If I stay on schedule I should be done by July 28. Thad includes missing this Tuesday June 16 because I have to take Tyler to U of I for registration and it includes the 4th of July because the doctor's office is closed on Friday July 3 in observance of Independence day. After that I get a six month break before going back for yet another surgery to finish up the breast reconstruction.
Well I got a response from disability. They want me to see a psychologist to determine if depression is a part of my claim. The hoops they make you jump, as if breast cancer gets your endorphins flowing!
Well as most you know, I have hair now. It is very curly but soft and very gray at least in the top. It will probably be months before I get enough for a ponytail. I can't wait! :)
Holla
Anyway my appointments are Monday thru Friday at 9 AM. I said I needed to get back to work. Well this will be like getting up to go to work. In addition I have physical thearpy three days a week. I still have a few issues with cording from the lymph node surgery. I am trying to get back to my exercise level because the radiology doctor told me to try to keep to what I would normally do but not to add anything new while getting radiation. Oh, and swimming is out. I have start on my multi vitamin and I'm really going to need it as radiation causes fatigue. And get this I had a wipe out day on Sat. I guess I over did it and the fatigue from chemo hit me like a rock. Also, I was fighting a cold. I went out did a interval job with Erica for two miles and walked one mile. I then went to a graduation party with Tyler. On Sat. when I woke up I could barely move. My body hurt terribly. I slept most of the day and really needed the rest. Today I also took it easy because I don't want to go into radiation fatigued. I went out briefly to get an aloe vera plant which I will use with the radiation creame that was prescribed to try to prevent the burning and irriatation as a result of the radiation. The doctor said I will probably start to burn about half way through. Well just pray that it doesn't happen and if it does that it is not bad. I have to have 30 treatments which adds of to six weeks. I will not get radiation if I am sick, if my blood count is too low, I just take a day off or their machine breaks down. If I stay on schedule I should be done by July 28. Thad includes missing this Tuesday June 16 because I have to take Tyler to U of I for registration and it includes the 4th of July because the doctor's office is closed on Friday July 3 in observance of Independence day. After that I get a six month break before going back for yet another surgery to finish up the breast reconstruction.
Well I got a response from disability. They want me to see a psychologist to determine if depression is a part of my claim. The hoops they make you jump, as if breast cancer gets your endorphins flowing!
Well as most you know, I have hair now. It is very curly but soft and very gray at least in the top. It will probably be months before I get enough for a ponytail. I can't wait! :)
Holla
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Radiation
Radiation begins tomorrow. This past Monday I went for a radiation consult. During the consult the doctor explained to me what to expect. A cat scan was done and my body was marked with two X's. The doctor explained that most patients do not have a problem with radiation. However, I am not usually in the "most" catergory. Perhaps this time I will be in the most category. That would be nice. The side effects are fatigue and burning of skin where the radiation is applied. I was given a prescription to use to try to prevent burning of the skin. I was told by another cancer survivior to use aloe vera from the plant as well. I am looking forward to getting this done and over with. Although I will have to take hormones for the next five years. I will be happy not to have to go to the doctor so often. Radiation will be every day Mon. - Fri. for the next six weeks.
I still have chemo side effects. Fatigue, but I push through and Neropathy in the mornings and late at night. And, my body aches to a point where I can barely move in the mornings. It's like being the Tin Man in the Wizard of OZ. Once I get up and get going I can move around like an well oiled machine. The other side effect of course is the weight gain and that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
The cording from the lymph node surgery is getting better but still there. I'm wearing a sleeve for a few hours each day to see if that will help.
I am benn trying to get back on a running schedule but the fatigue slows me down. I will continue to work on getting back!
I am also getting my resume out, it's time to get back to work!
Holla
I still have chemo side effects. Fatigue, but I push through and Neropathy in the mornings and late at night. And, my body aches to a point where I can barely move in the mornings. It's like being the Tin Man in the Wizard of OZ. Once I get up and get going I can move around like an well oiled machine. The other side effect of course is the weight gain and that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
The cording from the lymph node surgery is getting better but still there. I'm wearing a sleeve for a few hours each day to see if that will help.
I am benn trying to get back on a running schedule but the fatigue slows me down. I will continue to work on getting back!
I am also getting my resume out, it's time to get back to work!
Holla
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Catching up
Well it's been almost a month since I've updated the blog. I think about it often but sometimes I just want to forget all that is going on. Of course I can't do that since I am living it. The lymph node surgery went okay, I have had severe cording which limits the use of my arm and is very painful. As a result, I am back in physical thearpy two days a week to work on getting rid of the cording. Of all the pain since this started I think this is the worst. My arm gets really sore and mortrin does not help that. I work on my arm a lot myself as much as I can and it is getting better. Of course the doctors and physical thearapist tell me that this rarely happens...again I am the one in 100. I also go to physical thearpy a third day a week because my rotator cuff is still bothering me and now I have a IT band problem. I am trying to get back to running but the IT band problems is slowing me down. I do plan to participate in the Rock & Roll classic even if I have to walk.
Tomorrow I go to the doctor for my first radiation consult. So that starts soon. I am told that most people don't have a problem so I hope I can be among the most rather than the one. I will continue to work on getting my weight down. Everyone tells me I look good. It's good to hear but it's depressing for me to have the weight because I can't get into my clothes nor do I have money to buy new bigger ones. I just need to push back from the table and stop eating junk and I've been doing a terrible job at that. I do really need to loose the weight though because all of the research saids that women who are overweight (and I am over weight for my height and frame) are at a higher risk for recurrence of breast cancer. Now that I getting closer to completing the treatment, I ask myself often why this has happened to me and the best answer I can come up with is why not. It's hard to think long term into the future. I just take one day at a time. I do see other breast cancer survivors who live a long life so I know that's possible and also know that tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
I've been bothered by my scars lately and twice now God has told me that it could be worst. The first time I was complaining about the scars I saw a set of triplets on the news who had terrible burns. My scars didn't even compare. Then yesterday I saw a lady who's legs were scarred from a car accident. When she was telling about the scars she reminded me "you know where you've been but you sure don't know where going.
Well Tyler has been the highlight in my life of late. She came out of a funk at the end of her track season and kicked butt. She won three medals at state, she was voted MVP by her team members at HF and she was nominated for the 110% Atlethic Award at HF. She also received an award for participating in Track on the varisity level for four years. She will leave HF with a 3.2 GPA. I am pretty darn proud of her. She is focused, she is young and vibrant, she has a wonderful personality, she likes to have fun, she loves to dress up and dress down in the most colorful way, she loves high heels, and I am praying that life's journey will just be full of happiness, good fortune, and love. She will graduate today at 2PM. She wanted to go to church today, we won't make because of the early time that she has to arrive for graduation but we will pray and worship this morning at home. She will move on to U O I to run track as she pursues her college degree in Kinesiology.
That's about it for now. My financial picture is not much better but perhaps after radiation I can try to get back to work. The doctor did tell me that a lot of people work during radiation but didn't necessarily recommend working for me because I seem to have so many side effects with treatment. I am going to try acupunture maybe that will help get my bodyget into balance and I can torlerate things better. We'll see what will come out of the radiology consult.
Today I am going to enjoy Tyler's day!!!
Tomorrow I go to the doctor for my first radiation consult. So that starts soon. I am told that most people don't have a problem so I hope I can be among the most rather than the one. I will continue to work on getting my weight down. Everyone tells me I look good. It's good to hear but it's depressing for me to have the weight because I can't get into my clothes nor do I have money to buy new bigger ones. I just need to push back from the table and stop eating junk and I've been doing a terrible job at that. I do really need to loose the weight though because all of the research saids that women who are overweight (and I am over weight for my height and frame) are at a higher risk for recurrence of breast cancer. Now that I getting closer to completing the treatment, I ask myself often why this has happened to me and the best answer I can come up with is why not. It's hard to think long term into the future. I just take one day at a time. I do see other breast cancer survivors who live a long life so I know that's possible and also know that tomorrow is not promised to anyone.
I've been bothered by my scars lately and twice now God has told me that it could be worst. The first time I was complaining about the scars I saw a set of triplets on the news who had terrible burns. My scars didn't even compare. Then yesterday I saw a lady who's legs were scarred from a car accident. When she was telling about the scars she reminded me "you know where you've been but you sure don't know where going.
Well Tyler has been the highlight in my life of late. She came out of a funk at the end of her track season and kicked butt. She won three medals at state, she was voted MVP by her team members at HF and she was nominated for the 110% Atlethic Award at HF. She also received an award for participating in Track on the varisity level for four years. She will leave HF with a 3.2 GPA. I am pretty darn proud of her. She is focused, she is young and vibrant, she has a wonderful personality, she likes to have fun, she loves to dress up and dress down in the most colorful way, she loves high heels, and I am praying that life's journey will just be full of happiness, good fortune, and love. She will graduate today at 2PM. She wanted to go to church today, we won't make because of the early time that she has to arrive for graduation but we will pray and worship this morning at home. She will move on to U O I to run track as she pursues her college degree in Kinesiology.
That's about it for now. My financial picture is not much better but perhaps after radiation I can try to get back to work. The doctor did tell me that a lot of people work during radiation but didn't necessarily recommend working for me because I seem to have so many side effects with treatment. I am going to try acupunture maybe that will help get my bodyget into balance and I can torlerate things better. We'll see what will come out of the radiology consult.
Today I am going to enjoy Tyler's day!!!
Monday, May 18, 2009
The tube is gone
Well it's been a week since surgery. Today I went to see the Dr. to have the tube removed. It hurt when the stitch was cut but I didn't feel it all when the doctor pulled the tube out. Now I have to go back to physical thearpy to try to get the range of motion back in my arm. I've been working on my arm excercises but now that the tube is out, my arm is very sore. But I have to push through the pain. I am so glad the tube is out because it was becoming annoying and painful.
The lymph nodes removed were all negative. I told the doctor "see I could have kept my little lymp nodes." However, I do understand better safe than sorry. I told Mom the results. Mom is driving herself crazy and I don't know what to do about it. She so stressed and tense: she lost her temper with me once again. Her acid tongue is very painful but I continue to attempt to be positive. I keep praying for my Mom because I think she thinks my havin breast cancer is about her. May she thinks God is punishing her, maybe she's angry I don't know and I don't know what to do to help her through. I think just being me upsets her. I guess in a lot of ways I am a different person now and I just have no patience for drama. I just keep praying for Mom to have peace to be worry free and comforted by her faith in God.
Now in the back of my mind I worry about lymphdema. However, I have to give it to God and get past it as even if I don't get lymphedema today, I could get five years from now or never. Now I have to look to radiaion. I will call the doctor to see when we need to start that process. I remain prayerful as radiation can also bring on lymphedema. However, getting the raditian done will be the last big hurdle in the treatment. For now I am cancer free and I am truly grateful for that. I am also praying that it stays that way.
I'm getting a little more hair. I should say it's filling in more. I would like to see more of it sooner than later, but who knows if it will grow back to the length it was before. I will have to be patient and wait and see. The new hair is very soft and silky, truly like a baby's hair.
I did drop a few pounds but I've eaten terribly these last couple of days. So I have to focus so that I can do better. I've been told that staying thin will help me fight lymphdema and cancer recurrence so I really need to get it together.
I am looking forward to summer and warm weather. Hopefully I will be finish with all treatment by Sept. or Oct.
Holla
The lymph nodes removed were all negative. I told the doctor "see I could have kept my little lymp nodes." However, I do understand better safe than sorry. I told Mom the results. Mom is driving herself crazy and I don't know what to do about it. She so stressed and tense: she lost her temper with me once again. Her acid tongue is very painful but I continue to attempt to be positive. I keep praying for my Mom because I think she thinks my havin breast cancer is about her. May she thinks God is punishing her, maybe she's angry I don't know and I don't know what to do to help her through. I think just being me upsets her. I guess in a lot of ways I am a different person now and I just have no patience for drama. I just keep praying for Mom to have peace to be worry free and comforted by her faith in God.
Now in the back of my mind I worry about lymphdema. However, I have to give it to God and get past it as even if I don't get lymphedema today, I could get five years from now or never. Now I have to look to radiaion. I will call the doctor to see when we need to start that process. I remain prayerful as radiation can also bring on lymphedema. However, getting the raditian done will be the last big hurdle in the treatment. For now I am cancer free and I am truly grateful for that. I am also praying that it stays that way.
I'm getting a little more hair. I should say it's filling in more. I would like to see more of it sooner than later, but who knows if it will grow back to the length it was before. I will have to be patient and wait and see. The new hair is very soft and silky, truly like a baby's hair.
I did drop a few pounds but I've eaten terribly these last couple of days. So I have to focus so that I can do better. I've been told that staying thin will help me fight lymphdema and cancer recurrence so I really need to get it together.
I am looking forward to summer and warm weather. Hopefully I will be finish with all treatment by Sept. or Oct.
Holla
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