Catching up

Well it's been almost a month since I've updated the blog. I think about it often but sometimes I just want to forget all that is going on. Of course I can't do that since I am living it. The lymph node surgery went okay, I have had severe cording which limits the use of my arm and is very painful. As a result, I am back in physical thearpy two days a week to work on getting rid of the cording. Of all the pain since this started I think this is the worst. My arm gets really sore and mortrin does not help that. I work on my arm a lot myself as much as I can and it is getting better. Of course the doctors and physical thearapist tell me that this rarely happens...again I am the one in 100. I also go to physical thearpy a third day a week because my rotator cuff is still bothering me and now I have a IT band problem. I am trying to get back to running but the IT band problems is slowing me down. I do plan to participate in the Rock & Roll classic even if I have to walk.



Tomorrow I go to the doctor for my first radiation consult. So that starts soon. I am told that most people don't have a problem so I hope I can be among the most rather than the one. I will continue to work on getting my weight down. Everyone tells me I look good. It's good to hear but it's depressing for me to have the weight because I can't get into my clothes nor do I have money to buy new bigger ones. I just need to push back from the table and stop eating junk and I've been doing a terrible job at that. I do really need to loose the weight though because all of the research saids that women who are overweight (and I am over weight for my height and frame) are at a higher risk for recurrence of breast cancer. Now that I getting closer to completing the treatment, I ask myself often why this has happened to me and the best answer I can come up with is why not. It's hard to think long term into the future. I just take one day at a time. I do see other breast cancer survivors who live a long life so I know that's possible and also know that tomorrow is not promised to anyone.



I've been bothered by my scars lately and twice now God has told me that it could be worst. The first time I was complaining about the scars I saw a set of triplets on the news who had terrible burns. My scars didn't even compare. Then yesterday I saw a lady who's legs were scarred from a car accident. When she was telling about the scars she reminded me "you know where you've been but you sure don't know where going.



Well Tyler has been the highlight in my life of late. She came out of a funk at the end of her track season and kicked butt. She won three medals at state, she was voted MVP by her team members at HF and she was nominated for the 110% Atlethic Award at HF. She also received an award for participating in Track on the varisity level for four years. She will leave HF with a 3.2 GPA. I am pretty darn proud of her. She is focused, she is young and vibrant, she has a wonderful personality, she likes to have fun, she loves to dress up and dress down in the most colorful way, she loves high heels, and I am praying that life's journey will just be full of happiness, good fortune, and love. She will graduate today at 2PM. She wanted to go to church today, we won't make because of the early time that she has to arrive for graduation but we will pray and worship this morning at home. She will move on to U O I to run track as she pursues her college degree in Kinesiology.



That's about it for now. My financial picture is not much better but perhaps after radiation I can try to get back to work. The doctor did tell me that a lot of people work during radiation but didn't necessarily recommend working for me because I seem to have so many side effects with treatment. I am going to try acupunture maybe that will help get my bodyget into balance and I can torlerate things better. We'll see what will come out of the radiology consult.



Today I am going to enjoy Tyler's day!!!

The tube is gone

Well it's been a week since surgery. Today I went to see the Dr. to have the tube removed. It hurt when the stitch was cut but I didn't feel it all when the doctor pulled the tube out. Now I have to go back to physical thearpy to try to get the range of motion back in my arm. I've been working on my arm excercises but now that the tube is out, my arm is very sore. But I have to push through the pain. I am so glad the tube is out because it was becoming annoying and painful.

The lymph nodes removed were all negative. I told the doctor "see I could have kept my little lymp nodes." However, I do understand better safe than sorry. I told Mom the results. Mom is driving herself crazy and I don't know what to do about it. She so stressed and tense: she lost her temper with me once again. Her acid tongue is very painful but I continue to attempt to be positive. I keep praying for my Mom because I think she thinks my havin breast cancer is about her. May she thinks God is punishing her, maybe she's angry I don't know and I don't know what to do to help her through. I think just being me upsets her. I guess in a lot of ways I am a different person now and I just have no patience for drama. I just keep praying for Mom to have peace to be worry free and comforted by her faith in God.

Now in the back of my mind I worry about lymphdema. However, I have to give it to God and get past it as even if I don't get lymphedema today, I could get five years from now or never. Now I have to look to radiaion. I will call the doctor to see when we need to start that process. I remain prayerful as radiation can also bring on lymphedema. However, getting the raditian done will be the last big hurdle in the treatment. For now I am cancer free and I am truly grateful for that. I am also praying that it stays that way.

I'm getting a little more hair. I should say it's filling in more. I would like to see more of it sooner than later, but who knows if it will grow back to the length it was before. I will have to be patient and wait and see. The new hair is very soft and silky, truly like a baby's hair.

I did drop a few pounds but I've eaten terribly these last couple of days. So I have to focus so that I can do better. I've been told that staying thin will help me fight lymphdema and cancer recurrence so I really need to get it together.

I am looking forward to summer and warm weather. Hopefully I will be finish with all treatment by Sept. or Oct.

Holla

After Surgery

Well Surgery went well, except that I was sick from the anthesia and had to stay the night in the hospital. I kept trying to wake up and to feel well because I didn't want anyone to have to make the drive back to Highland Park. However, in the end I couldn't get it together and had to stay. Trina stayed with me, I told Mom I didn't want her to stay, I wanted her to go home and get a good night's rest. I've been trying to keep Mom away from the medical stuff as much as possible, because I think it's to stressful for her. I feel so guilty where she is concerned. She's by herself again and she's been making little remarks about being by herself and fussing about how Ferlando left. I knew that the surgery would make her feel responsible again and feel like she needs to do everthing for me again. For me, I need to get back to doing things for myself and I don't want to hear the fussing from Mom when things are not moving the way she thinks they should. I was glad that Trina stayed the night with me because the little nurse I had didn't want to do anything. My drainage tube leaked blood onthe bed and onto the floor. The nurse was slow to clean up the blood asked me if I wanted her to just put something on top of the sheets or re-make the bed. Well of course I didn't want to lay in any blood so I had her change the sheets. Then she just dumped the top covers back on me. So Trina fixed the covers properly. I puked each time I got up to go to the bathroom until about 2AM. I was finally able to eat a little something and keep it down around 8AM. Breyen and Tyler picked me up from the hospital. When I got home yesterday, Mom was at the house, she had cleaned and was waiting for me to let her know what I wanted to eat. I know she wants to help but then she complains about being tired and her back hurting so from my perspective there's no need for her to tire herself out. I really am doing pretty well and really wanting to get back to doing as much as I can for myself.

Today just on impusle I told Mom I could empty my own plate and that set her off. Later Breyen found her in the driveway sitiing in her car asleep. I am really worried about her, but there's not much I can do so I will pray.

I haven't had much drainage today and I have been doing my arm exercises as instructed by the doctor. I am a little sore, but it's not bad. The doctor is out of town for the rest of the week, so I have to keep the drain in until Monday, then I will hike back up to Highland Park to have the drainage tube removed. In the meand time, Tyler has prom and her last highschool conference track meet so it should all be very exciting. Breyen has been around this week as well...we'll see how that goes. I'll call the oncologist on Thursday, at that time I'll set up an appointment to discuss the beginning of radiation.

Just keep praying that all will be well. JoAnne got some good news, they think they found her Mom's cancer early. I feel like I need to be Forrest Gump...I just want to run.....

Holla

The Morning of Surgery

Well I woke up this morning, thanking God for another day. I will be leaving for the hospital around 9:30 this morning. I feel ok, prayed about the surgery and for all of the medical professionals that will be a part of surgery. I've given to God, it's really all I can do. I feel ok. I had to think about what to wear this morning. I am going to have the drainage tubs again (that I am not looking forward to) so I had to make sure that I wear a shirt that I could slip my arms into (nothing that needs to go over my head). The incision will be under my arm. Hopefully it won't be too painful because I have a lot things I would like to get done this week. It's called living!

Mrs. Washington came by to give me a hug, love, encouragement and support before going to surgery this morning. Then I received a call from Joanne, her Mom has been diganoised with lung cancer on top of heart disease. JoAnne is one of the strongest people I know and this morning she was in tears and sounded very much like a little girl. It broke my heart. I didn't tell her I had surgery today, I will try to call her this evening when I get home. I pray that all goes well with her and her mom. I need to be there for her, so I have to focus on getting back. Please pray for Joanne and her Mom.

Holla at yall later today I hope. Baby Sister is here,...gotta go.

Surgery is tomorrow

Today is Mother's day. It was a good day. I started the day out by meeting Chris, Jenny and Ken at the trail in Frankfort. They ran six miles while I rode my bike. It felt wonderful. Later we had a breakfast pastry, tea and coffee. When I came home I worked on cleaning Breyen's room. I'm trying to get used to the idea of her not being here and in my heart I think this time she won't come back home. I just pray that all is well with her. Cleaning her room was an overwhelming task. However, it looks a little bit more like a guest room now. I still have to get to her closet and break the news to her that she will need to get her things.

We had dinner at Mom's it's always nice to get family together. Fanny Early came by and gave me a card. I love her spirit, she is so funny. She lifts my spirit.

Well tomorrow is the lymph node removal surgery. I'm as ready as I can be. I've prayed and asked God for no complications, I've asked him to bless the surgeon and to let me come home tomorrow after surgery. Tyler's prom is next Saturday and the conference Track meet is on Friday and I want to be home for that.

When surgery and Tyler's activities are done. I will have to start looking into selling the house or renting it or something. I think I can hold on through the summer. Moving on in some ways I'm looking forward to it. First things first...surgery, Tyler graduated and off to college. I will recover for about four weeks from surgery and then I will begin radiation. I had hope all of this would be over by summer, but I took the time making the decision about this surgery so it pushed treatment back. Also, since I can't eat after midnight tonight, I plan to start back with my healthy eating habits and try to get some pounds off so I can wear my clothes, get back to church and back to my job search!

I have to be at the hospital by 11:30 AM. Surgery is scheduled for 1 PM.

Holla

Feeling Better

I have been feeling much better. I am still struggling with fatigue, but the rest of my body seems to be adjusting. I am still scheduled for surgery to remove lymph nodes on Monday, May 11, 2009. I am dreading the surgery not my decision to have the surgery but rather the surgery itself because I am feeling better. I'm back in physical thearpy but still feeling better. I go to physical thearpy for my right shoulder it's been very painful but it is getting better. My weight remains a challenge and I am trying to eat better. The neuropathy is not gone but it is much better I have long streaches with no pain now. I just need to get this weight down so that I can get back into my clothes because I don't have any funds for a new wardrobe. I stay in sweats most of the time. I did loose two pounds, hopefully I can keep it going.

I have a little hair now. It's growing in evenly with lots of gray! It's nice and soft but I would like to see more of it. Also when I go to surgery, the Surgeon will remove the port from my chest. Now that's exciting.

I continue to pray for complete healing.

Lymph Node Surgery

The surgery for lymph node surgery removal is scheduled for May 11, 2009 at 1 PM. It should be a sameday procedure meaning I will come home after surgery. Mom has asked if any nodes are positive will that require me to have more chemo. She does not want me to have any more chemo. In her words chemo is poison. Well she's right about that. I don't want to ever have to have chemo again and I don't think the results of this surgery will persuade me to do so. Just pray that all goes well.

This will now push radiation into summer, ba hum bug.

Holla