Checking In

It's been a while I know. However, I have been struggling with writing lately. I'm not sure why. In some ways I think it's because I'd like to think that after the last radiation treatment, the cancer is over and I can get back to life. Right away I hopped on a bus with Darlene and the Angelic Flyers headed for North Carolina. It was a vacation and a bit of a celebration for me as I completed radiation. Thank you Darlene. Well the radiation did burn my skin, however it's been a little over a month and my skin almost has it's natural color back, except in the area where the tumor was located. That area is still dark. I have to wait three to four months now before going back to surgery to finish up the breast reconstruction. They say most women don't finish it, but I have gone thru a lot and I would like to finish it. I plan to have a conversation at that time with the doctor about the possibility of reducing my breast size. I don't like these big breast but if it has to be I guess it will be.

I have more hair now. I have what I like to refer to as a boy afro. It's not enough hair to braid but it;s getting there. It's extremely curly not nappy but actually curly. Yeah if you know me you know I don't like it. Don't misunderstand, I'm grateful for being here and the hair that I have it's just me. Everyone saids I look like Robin Robinson on channel 7. I think they say that because they don't know what else to say. It grates on my nerve a bit as I know I don't look like her, people just throw us in the same bucket because we both had breast cancer. Anyway I don't like her hair either so it's no compliment to me. I guess I'm a bit jaded that way. I know folks mean well and I accept that. The curls are so tight even gel does not flatten them. Each day the curls and the gel do their own thing and I go with the flow.

Radiation in the end robbed me of my energy. It's slowly coming back but I surely don't have the energy that I used to have. I take vitimins I'm also doing a detox and I do feel better but the energy level is slow to come back. The worst thing is my feet. I believe the problem with my feet is the neropathy from the chemo. The pain is different than it was while on chemo. Sometimes my feet hurt so bad I can barley walk. When I have to get out of bed during the night to go the bathroom, I forget the pain until my feet hit the floor. Sometimes I almost fall from the pain. Once I get going most days the pain decreases as the day goes on. My body used to ache so bad it was just difficult to move around. I now get acupnture. In the beginning I was getting acupture once a week now I'm down to every two weeks. The acuputure has gotten rid of the body aches, but it hasn't taken the pain from my feet. I've learned to function with the pain in my feet but I do hope that 0ne day it will go away. The side effects from the drugs that save your life are a bitch.

In the mean time life goes on. Tyler has gone away to school. I miss her laughter and zeal for life we talk often and I just want her to be happy. Breyen is here at home with me. She's going to school and looking for work. Mom isn't feeling well, I just keep praying that she is well and will feel better soon.

The house is having it's own crisis. Mortgage is not paid has been for three months, the refrigertor decided it wanted to check out and my stove decided it was done too. I just go with the flow. Funny a year ago life was so different. Well as they say "you know where you've been but you sure as hell don't know where you're going. We'll see what God has in store for me now. I'm looking for good things. Somehow the mortgage will get paid, a refrigerator will get replaced and the stove will get fixed. My church has decided to help me get another refrigertor after my Mom fussed at them for not doing anything for me during my illness. I appreciate it but it bothers me that the assistance comes on the heels of my mother's telling them that they needed to help. God has blessed me with so much just when it's needed.

I'm back to work and that's a struggle with my enegy level but I[m getting better slowly. I now have gained twenty pounds. Time to get serious and try to get it off. Not good for me as cancer cells like to hide in fat.

One of my church members was diagnosed with breast cancer and that really saddened me. I hate the idea of anyone having to go through the treatment. However, I also met a lady this week who is a eight year breast cancer survivior and she's engaged to be married. That's encouraging.

I have to take tamoxifen for the next five years. I won't even talk about the side effects of that.

Holla