Reflection

Tyler and I had an opportunity to reflect on this past year. She said she remembers how sad she was when I was going through chemo. I told her I was amazed at the support I received. I was most disappointed in Breyen yet I understood that she was handlin my illness the best way she knew how. I told her Grandma was a God send, dispite some of the things she did to drive me crazy. I don't know what Iwould have done without her.

It's a been a long year and prayerfully I won't ever have to go back down that route.

Today, they are till stuggling to find a hormone for me to take for the next five years to help protect against recurrence. The lymphedema is under control for now. I still have not received
my custom sleeve. The guy I was working with was a greedy little bugger who didn't give a crap about the patients he services. So I have to find someone else and start the process over.

I had date a few weeks ago. It was fun. However, not so sure there will be more dates to follow. That's ok cause I still have to work on me. I've been trying really hard to loose weight, nothing seems to work but I'm not giving up.

I have consultantion scheduled in Dec to see if my skin has healed enough from the radiation to finish up the breast reconstruction. I hope it's ready because I'm ready. I hope he will also be able to do a size reduction...I hate having big boobs! I used to pray when I was growing up not to have big boobs I got caught up in the hype got 'em a little bigger and I don't like it at all. We'll see.

The job is taxing. I don't have the energy I use to have and it's hard to focus. It gettng a little easier maybe in time it will get better. Working two jobs is really hard so I have to plan rest times so that I don't wipe myself out. I work the part time job two days week. I know it doesn't sound like much but it kicks my butt. And, I don't like working on Sundays but until something else opens up I'll deal with it. Chris an I are alternating Sunday's so that helps a lot. I use the extra money as Tyler's allowance, gas sometimes and groceries sometimes. My fiances as a whole are shot but I try not to worry about that; hopefully it will work itself out in the years to come.

My hair is growing back. It's long enough to braid and still super curly! Maybe this time next year it will be back. It's totally out of control...it does it's own thing, but I'm glad it's here.

Well I start the new hormone this week, it has lots of ugly side effects. If it does me too bad, I'm not going to take it. I followed all of the doctor's recommendations so far and sometimes I've been no better off, so we shall see how this new drug works.

Holla back!

One Year to the day

Well, it's been one year. October 29,2008 I had a mastsectomy. Its been a whirl wind year. I've had chemotheary, lost my hair, had lymph node surgery, radiation and now lympehedema. Financially I've taken a beating. I was off work for almost a year. I found a job two months ago and now I'm trying to catch. My refrigeration went out and two weeks ago my stove literally zapped me with a bolt of electricity and then went out. I'll worry about that later.

I'm fnding a balance...the lypmphedema is a constant reminder of the beast cancer as well as the tamoxifen, which I am now having an allergic reaction to....oh well. I'm thankful and glad to still be among the living.

Breyen is doing really well.. I got her a job at the health club and they absolutely love her. She's working hard and staying out of trouble. Tyler is doing well at school, she's striving for that 3.0 or higher. Her track coach saids she works hard and she's getting better and better.

My job is really a challenge, chemo brain is a reality and I'm struggling to keep up. I have to keep my arm wrapped esp. at work because typing adds to the spelling. Everyone at work wants to know what's going on with my arm. I just tell them I have some fluid retention! In fact I don't have any protection on my arm now so I have to cut this short. I should get my custom made sleeve on Monday.

One year and still kicking, lot of dark moments, lots of lots and lots of love and support. I am so very thankful!

I just can't win

I feel like crying, I feel like screaming…This damned disease and its treatment has wrecked havoc! Now I have lymphedema. It’s the painful swelling of limbs when fluid is unable to past thru the lymphatic system properly. Now I will have to walk around witha fat arm and a sleeve on at all times and have constant therapy to control it. It seems there is a cure for some cancers if you catch it in time, as is the case with breast cancer. However, guest what…there is no cure for lymphedema .
It makes me think back on my decision to have my stupid lymph nodes removed; did I know this was going to happen? Ferlando would say it’s self fulfilling prophecy. I say I’ll be Dam “ed” or I should say I am Dam “ed”. It’s so frustrating! Just makes me keep wondering what the hell have I done in this life for this ass kicking to continue. I’ve always said when I die I want to be cremated but hesitate because I know my family doesn’t agree with it, but as the days of my life continue and all this stuff keeps happening to this ole body, I think just cremate it. Yeap, I’m not denying it; this is a dark moment for me so just pray for me. Well I’ve always liked Gone With The Wind” and today I am going to be focused on being like Scarlet O’Hara…in the end when she just doesn’t know what she’s going to do she saids…”I’ll think about that tomorrow”.

Checking In

It's been a while I know. However, I have been struggling with writing lately. I'm not sure why. In some ways I think it's because I'd like to think that after the last radiation treatment, the cancer is over and I can get back to life. Right away I hopped on a bus with Darlene and the Angelic Flyers headed for North Carolina. It was a vacation and a bit of a celebration for me as I completed radiation. Thank you Darlene. Well the radiation did burn my skin, however it's been a little over a month and my skin almost has it's natural color back, except in the area where the tumor was located. That area is still dark. I have to wait three to four months now before going back to surgery to finish up the breast reconstruction. They say most women don't finish it, but I have gone thru a lot and I would like to finish it. I plan to have a conversation at that time with the doctor about the possibility of reducing my breast size. I don't like these big breast but if it has to be I guess it will be.

I have more hair now. I have what I like to refer to as a boy afro. It's not enough hair to braid but it;s getting there. It's extremely curly not nappy but actually curly. Yeah if you know me you know I don't like it. Don't misunderstand, I'm grateful for being here and the hair that I have it's just me. Everyone saids I look like Robin Robinson on channel 7. I think they say that because they don't know what else to say. It grates on my nerve a bit as I know I don't look like her, people just throw us in the same bucket because we both had breast cancer. Anyway I don't like her hair either so it's no compliment to me. I guess I'm a bit jaded that way. I know folks mean well and I accept that. The curls are so tight even gel does not flatten them. Each day the curls and the gel do their own thing and I go with the flow.

Radiation in the end robbed me of my energy. It's slowly coming back but I surely don't have the energy that I used to have. I take vitimins I'm also doing a detox and I do feel better but the energy level is slow to come back. The worst thing is my feet. I believe the problem with my feet is the neropathy from the chemo. The pain is different than it was while on chemo. Sometimes my feet hurt so bad I can barley walk. When I have to get out of bed during the night to go the bathroom, I forget the pain until my feet hit the floor. Sometimes I almost fall from the pain. Once I get going most days the pain decreases as the day goes on. My body used to ache so bad it was just difficult to move around. I now get acupnture. In the beginning I was getting acupture once a week now I'm down to every two weeks. The acuputure has gotten rid of the body aches, but it hasn't taken the pain from my feet. I've learned to function with the pain in my feet but I do hope that 0ne day it will go away. The side effects from the drugs that save your life are a bitch.

In the mean time life goes on. Tyler has gone away to school. I miss her laughter and zeal for life we talk often and I just want her to be happy. Breyen is here at home with me. She's going to school and looking for work. Mom isn't feeling well, I just keep praying that she is well and will feel better soon.

The house is having it's own crisis. Mortgage is not paid has been for three months, the refrigertor decided it wanted to check out and my stove decided it was done too. I just go with the flow. Funny a year ago life was so different. Well as they say "you know where you've been but you sure as hell don't know where you're going. We'll see what God has in store for me now. I'm looking for good things. Somehow the mortgage will get paid, a refrigerator will get replaced and the stove will get fixed. My church has decided to help me get another refrigertor after my Mom fussed at them for not doing anything for me during my illness. I appreciate it but it bothers me that the assistance comes on the heels of my mother's telling them that they needed to help. God has blessed me with so much just when it's needed.

I'm back to work and that's a struggle with my enegy level but I[m getting better slowly. I now have gained twenty pounds. Time to get serious and try to get it off. Not good for me as cancer cells like to hide in fat.

One of my church members was diagnosed with breast cancer and that really saddened me. I hate the idea of anyone having to go through the treatment. However, I also met a lady this week who is a eight year breast cancer survivior and she's engaged to be married. That's encouraging.

I have to take tamoxifen for the next five years. I won't even talk about the side effects of that.

Holla

The Last Day of Radiation

SIX WEEKS OF RADIATION -FIVE DAYS A WEEK ...it's over, over, over

I know it's been a while since I've let you all know what's going on. Today is the last day of radiation (July 28, 2009). It's the last and 33rd radiation treatment, yea. For the last six weeks, five days a week. I've have got up like going to a job and climbing on to a radiation table to be zapped. I usually walk into the the doctors office around 8:50 and I am usually out by 9:12AM. The nurses are all very nice, the office and exam rooms are also nice and I must say it has not been bad at all. My skin did burn. The skin actually looks burned, it is dark reddest brown and in some places the outer layer of the skin has burned until it has turned pink. They give you a cream to help with the burn. I also used a natural aloe vera plant. A friend of my counsin's let me know about the aloe vera, she told me to mix the gel from the plant with the cream from the doctor. The two don't mix very well so in the end I just rubbed the gel from the plant onto my skin and layer it with the cream from the doctor. The nurses tell me that my skin has held up very well. I wonder what they see, but then I have nothing to compare it with. According to the nurses they see much worst. I was told at the begining that radiation can make you fatigued. I worked out everyday after radiation, I also ran outside, but now that I am at the end I am actually fatigued. I can do everyday stuff but anything that required a lot of energy wears me out. So now in two weeks I will see the onocologist for a prescription for tamoxifin which I will need to take for the next five years.

My hair is growing back. I have a small afro. My hair is coming back in with some grey and it is extreming curly. I put a little wave cream on it at times in an attempt to make it lay down but that only lasts a few hours. I don't like it, but the good part is that it is growing and for now it is wash and wear hair. I look ten years older and I feel 20 years older. I move slower and my body aches all the time. I am also now having hot flashes that make me feel like I might pass out from the stifling heat, I break out in a sweat and even my knee caps sweat. The doctor saids it will get worst on the tamoxfin...all things considered I am still here!

The treatment for breast cancer and I suppose any cancer is no fun. One has to be strong and focused to get through it all and the realization that things will NEVER be the same is daunting. People ask me what I have learned from this experience. Sometimes, I think I've learned to destress, the things that used to bother me don't any more. My faith in God is stronger and my faith in people as a whole has diminished a great deal. I take nothing for granite and I look at the world as if it is a picture and I'm outside the picture. I understand being alone. I'm thankful for my many and wonderful blessings. I'm thankful for my life.

Other parts of my life have remained the same. Family, Friends, Trails, Tribulations, they are all still there I just view them differently. My finances have been shot to hell, mortgage not paid, no phone, no cable, Refrigerator gone out, car note not paid, you name it. However, I know I am blessed and I'm not stressed. It wil all work itself out. As they say you know where you been just not where you're going. I wonder at times where all of this will leave me and then I realize if I live long enough I'll find out!.

That's it for now. I'll update you after my last treatment today at 9AM.

Holla

The Burn

Well I already knew that I did not fall into that "most" category. Recall that the doctor said that most people don't feel anything with radiation until half through or almost done. I have only had three treatments and the burn has began. I talked to the doctor today and she recommended that I take tylenol or alieve. I have been using the cream and aloe vera and still the burn. If it gets too bad I will refulse to finish up the raditaion. I've had enough. I'm tired. Tired of hurting when I get up in the morning, tired of not being able to do the things I used to do just six months ago. Tired of my shoulder hurting, tired of my knee hurting, tire of this ugly short tight curly hair, tired of man's cure for cancer tearing me down. Tired of the bill collectors, tired of the children thinking the world is waiting for them, tired of feeling dizzy all the time, tired of folks depending on me to get things done. I have no more strategies, solutions, energy you name it. I guess I'll think about the rest tomorrow. Just Praying!

Holla

After Radiation

I am still fighting this cold. I have a sore throat. I had a few antibiotics but the sore throat just doubled back. I will try calling the doctor tomorrow. I am not sure if it's the radiation but right now I am just fatigued. My bones hurt and my knee is swollen and painful. The neuropathy is acting up in my feet. My back hurts. I really need to feel and live the statment "this too shall pass" .

All things considered I am well. Tyler and I went to U of I today. She has a tough schedule for her freshman year, hopefully that too will work itself out. I wish she were more excited about school. It will be challenging but it will be fun if she will allow it to be. I'm gonna miss her but I am also excited for her!

I have the next radiation treatment tomorrow. I'll holla back later

The first day of Radiiation

Today I did get radiation. When I arrived I went straight to the dressing room. I put on a gown and a robe. The tech came to get me and we went into the room where the xray machine is kept. I laid on a table with my right breast exposed and it took about ten minutes and I was on my way. I didn't feel a thing. However, I did use the cream that was prescribed to prevent burning. When I left the doctor's office I went and sat with Chris for awhile. I came home and took Jasmine out for a walk and then headed to physical thearpy. I'm really feeling sluggish because I am still fight this cold and now I have a sore throat. I took a nap, got up and went to the track. I didn't stay because I was not feeling well. I went to the health food store to see if I could find something that would help me fight the sore throat. I called the doctor but can't get into see him until Thursday. I have to take Tyler to U of I tomorrow, so I hope I feel better in the morning.

Well 29 more treatments to go. Hopefully my skin will hold up and I won't get much burning and irriatation and the fatigue will not set in. I'm already so fatigued from the chemo and now this cold. The tell me chemo side effects should go away in about six months. Three down three to go. Praying this will be over soon.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAR!

Holla

The day before Radiotion Treatment #1

Well tomorrow is the day for the first radiation treatment. I thoought they were going to start on last Friday but instead they did more marking. The nurse offered to tatto the marks needed for radiation and I looked at her like she was crazy. She told me the tatoo would just look like freckles and that most of their patients get the tatoo. Well as I said before I am not "most". I have natural freckles I don't need any tatooed on and I have enough scars so I don't need to add anything to it. So the nurse told me to think about it because other wise I would have to try to keep the marking on which she covered with clear tape.

Anyway my appointments are Monday thru Friday at 9 AM. I said I needed to get back to work. Well this will be like getting up to go to work. In addition I have physical thearpy three days a week. I still have a few issues with cording from the lymph node surgery. I am trying to get back to my exercise level because the radiology doctor told me to try to keep to what I would normally do but not to add anything new while getting radiation. Oh, and swimming is out. I have start on my multi vitamin and I'm really going to need it as radiation causes fatigue. And get this I had a wipe out day on Sat. I guess I over did it and the fatigue from chemo hit me like a rock. Also, I was fighting a cold. I went out did a interval job with Erica for two miles and walked one mile. I then went to a graduation party with Tyler. On Sat. when I woke up I could barely move. My body hurt terribly. I slept most of the day and really needed the rest. Today I also took it easy because I don't want to go into radiation fatigued. I went out briefly to get an aloe vera plant which I will use with the radiation creame that was prescribed to try to prevent the burning and irriatation as a result of the radiation. The doctor said I will probably start to burn about half way through. Well just pray that it doesn't happen and if it does that it is not bad. I have to have 30 treatments which adds of to six weeks. I will not get radiation if I am sick, if my blood count is too low, I just take a day off or their machine breaks down. If I stay on schedule I should be done by July 28. Thad includes missing this Tuesday June 16 because I have to take Tyler to U of I for registration and it includes the 4th of July because the doctor's office is closed on Friday July 3 in observance of Independence day. After that I get a six month break before going back for yet another surgery to finish up the breast reconstruction.

Well I got a response from disability. They want me to see a psychologist to determine if depression is a part of my claim. The hoops they make you jump, as if breast cancer gets your endorphins flowing!

Well as most you know, I have hair now. It is very curly but soft and very gray at least in the top. It will probably be months before I get enough for a ponytail. I can't wait! :)

Holla

Radiation

Radiation begins tomorrow. This past Monday I went for a radiation consult. During the consult the doctor explained to me what to expect. A cat scan was done and my body was marked with two X's. The doctor explained that most patients do not have a problem with radiation. However, I am not usually in the "most" catergory. Perhaps this time I will be in the most category. That would be nice. The side effects are fatigue and burning of skin where the radiation is applied. I was given a prescription to use to try to prevent burning of the skin. I was told by another cancer survivior to use aloe vera from the plant as well. I am looking forward to getting this done and over with. Although I will have to take hormones for the next five years. I will be happy not to have to go to the doctor so often. Radiation will be every day Mon. - Fri. for the next six weeks.

I still have chemo side effects. Fatigue, but I push through and Neropathy in the mornings and late at night. And, my body aches to a point where I can barely move in the mornings. It's like being the Tin Man in the Wizard of OZ. Once I get up and get going I can move around like an well oiled machine. The other side effect of course is the weight gain and that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

The cording from the lymph node surgery is getting better but still there. I'm wearing a sleeve for a few hours each day to see if that will help.

I am benn trying to get back on a running schedule but the fatigue slows me down. I will continue to work on getting back!

I am also getting my resume out, it's time to get back to work!

Holla

Catching up

Well it's been almost a month since I've updated the blog. I think about it often but sometimes I just want to forget all that is going on. Of course I can't do that since I am living it. The lymph node surgery went okay, I have had severe cording which limits the use of my arm and is very painful. As a result, I am back in physical thearpy two days a week to work on getting rid of the cording. Of all the pain since this started I think this is the worst. My arm gets really sore and mortrin does not help that. I work on my arm a lot myself as much as I can and it is getting better. Of course the doctors and physical thearapist tell me that this rarely happens...again I am the one in 100. I also go to physical thearpy a third day a week because my rotator cuff is still bothering me and now I have a IT band problem. I am trying to get back to running but the IT band problems is slowing me down. I do plan to participate in the Rock & Roll classic even if I have to walk.



Tomorrow I go to the doctor for my first radiation consult. So that starts soon. I am told that most people don't have a problem so I hope I can be among the most rather than the one. I will continue to work on getting my weight down. Everyone tells me I look good. It's good to hear but it's depressing for me to have the weight because I can't get into my clothes nor do I have money to buy new bigger ones. I just need to push back from the table and stop eating junk and I've been doing a terrible job at that. I do really need to loose the weight though because all of the research saids that women who are overweight (and I am over weight for my height and frame) are at a higher risk for recurrence of breast cancer. Now that I getting closer to completing the treatment, I ask myself often why this has happened to me and the best answer I can come up with is why not. It's hard to think long term into the future. I just take one day at a time. I do see other breast cancer survivors who live a long life so I know that's possible and also know that tomorrow is not promised to anyone.



I've been bothered by my scars lately and twice now God has told me that it could be worst. The first time I was complaining about the scars I saw a set of triplets on the news who had terrible burns. My scars didn't even compare. Then yesterday I saw a lady who's legs were scarred from a car accident. When she was telling about the scars she reminded me "you know where you've been but you sure don't know where going.



Well Tyler has been the highlight in my life of late. She came out of a funk at the end of her track season and kicked butt. She won three medals at state, she was voted MVP by her team members at HF and she was nominated for the 110% Atlethic Award at HF. She also received an award for participating in Track on the varisity level for four years. She will leave HF with a 3.2 GPA. I am pretty darn proud of her. She is focused, she is young and vibrant, she has a wonderful personality, she likes to have fun, she loves to dress up and dress down in the most colorful way, she loves high heels, and I am praying that life's journey will just be full of happiness, good fortune, and love. She will graduate today at 2PM. She wanted to go to church today, we won't make because of the early time that she has to arrive for graduation but we will pray and worship this morning at home. She will move on to U O I to run track as she pursues her college degree in Kinesiology.



That's about it for now. My financial picture is not much better but perhaps after radiation I can try to get back to work. The doctor did tell me that a lot of people work during radiation but didn't necessarily recommend working for me because I seem to have so many side effects with treatment. I am going to try acupunture maybe that will help get my bodyget into balance and I can torlerate things better. We'll see what will come out of the radiology consult.



Today I am going to enjoy Tyler's day!!!

The tube is gone

Well it's been a week since surgery. Today I went to see the Dr. to have the tube removed. It hurt when the stitch was cut but I didn't feel it all when the doctor pulled the tube out. Now I have to go back to physical thearpy to try to get the range of motion back in my arm. I've been working on my arm excercises but now that the tube is out, my arm is very sore. But I have to push through the pain. I am so glad the tube is out because it was becoming annoying and painful.

The lymph nodes removed were all negative. I told the doctor "see I could have kept my little lymp nodes." However, I do understand better safe than sorry. I told Mom the results. Mom is driving herself crazy and I don't know what to do about it. She so stressed and tense: she lost her temper with me once again. Her acid tongue is very painful but I continue to attempt to be positive. I keep praying for my Mom because I think she thinks my havin breast cancer is about her. May she thinks God is punishing her, maybe she's angry I don't know and I don't know what to do to help her through. I think just being me upsets her. I guess in a lot of ways I am a different person now and I just have no patience for drama. I just keep praying for Mom to have peace to be worry free and comforted by her faith in God.

Now in the back of my mind I worry about lymphdema. However, I have to give it to God and get past it as even if I don't get lymphedema today, I could get five years from now or never. Now I have to look to radiaion. I will call the doctor to see when we need to start that process. I remain prayerful as radiation can also bring on lymphedema. However, getting the raditian done will be the last big hurdle in the treatment. For now I am cancer free and I am truly grateful for that. I am also praying that it stays that way.

I'm getting a little more hair. I should say it's filling in more. I would like to see more of it sooner than later, but who knows if it will grow back to the length it was before. I will have to be patient and wait and see. The new hair is very soft and silky, truly like a baby's hair.

I did drop a few pounds but I've eaten terribly these last couple of days. So I have to focus so that I can do better. I've been told that staying thin will help me fight lymphdema and cancer recurrence so I really need to get it together.

I am looking forward to summer and warm weather. Hopefully I will be finish with all treatment by Sept. or Oct.

Holla

After Surgery

Well Surgery went well, except that I was sick from the anthesia and had to stay the night in the hospital. I kept trying to wake up and to feel well because I didn't want anyone to have to make the drive back to Highland Park. However, in the end I couldn't get it together and had to stay. Trina stayed with me, I told Mom I didn't want her to stay, I wanted her to go home and get a good night's rest. I've been trying to keep Mom away from the medical stuff as much as possible, because I think it's to stressful for her. I feel so guilty where she is concerned. She's by herself again and she's been making little remarks about being by herself and fussing about how Ferlando left. I knew that the surgery would make her feel responsible again and feel like she needs to do everthing for me again. For me, I need to get back to doing things for myself and I don't want to hear the fussing from Mom when things are not moving the way she thinks they should. I was glad that Trina stayed the night with me because the little nurse I had didn't want to do anything. My drainage tube leaked blood onthe bed and onto the floor. The nurse was slow to clean up the blood asked me if I wanted her to just put something on top of the sheets or re-make the bed. Well of course I didn't want to lay in any blood so I had her change the sheets. Then she just dumped the top covers back on me. So Trina fixed the covers properly. I puked each time I got up to go to the bathroom until about 2AM. I was finally able to eat a little something and keep it down around 8AM. Breyen and Tyler picked me up from the hospital. When I got home yesterday, Mom was at the house, she had cleaned and was waiting for me to let her know what I wanted to eat. I know she wants to help but then she complains about being tired and her back hurting so from my perspective there's no need for her to tire herself out. I really am doing pretty well and really wanting to get back to doing as much as I can for myself.

Today just on impusle I told Mom I could empty my own plate and that set her off. Later Breyen found her in the driveway sitiing in her car asleep. I am really worried about her, but there's not much I can do so I will pray.

I haven't had much drainage today and I have been doing my arm exercises as instructed by the doctor. I am a little sore, but it's not bad. The doctor is out of town for the rest of the week, so I have to keep the drain in until Monday, then I will hike back up to Highland Park to have the drainage tube removed. In the meand time, Tyler has prom and her last highschool conference track meet so it should all be very exciting. Breyen has been around this week as well...we'll see how that goes. I'll call the oncologist on Thursday, at that time I'll set up an appointment to discuss the beginning of radiation.

Just keep praying that all will be well. JoAnne got some good news, they think they found her Mom's cancer early. I feel like I need to be Forrest Gump...I just want to run.....

Holla

The Morning of Surgery

Well I woke up this morning, thanking God for another day. I will be leaving for the hospital around 9:30 this morning. I feel ok, prayed about the surgery and for all of the medical professionals that will be a part of surgery. I've given to God, it's really all I can do. I feel ok. I had to think about what to wear this morning. I am going to have the drainage tubs again (that I am not looking forward to) so I had to make sure that I wear a shirt that I could slip my arms into (nothing that needs to go over my head). The incision will be under my arm. Hopefully it won't be too painful because I have a lot things I would like to get done this week. It's called living!

Mrs. Washington came by to give me a hug, love, encouragement and support before going to surgery this morning. Then I received a call from Joanne, her Mom has been diganoised with lung cancer on top of heart disease. JoAnne is one of the strongest people I know and this morning she was in tears and sounded very much like a little girl. It broke my heart. I didn't tell her I had surgery today, I will try to call her this evening when I get home. I pray that all goes well with her and her mom. I need to be there for her, so I have to focus on getting back. Please pray for Joanne and her Mom.

Holla at yall later today I hope. Baby Sister is here,...gotta go.

Surgery is tomorrow

Today is Mother's day. It was a good day. I started the day out by meeting Chris, Jenny and Ken at the trail in Frankfort. They ran six miles while I rode my bike. It felt wonderful. Later we had a breakfast pastry, tea and coffee. When I came home I worked on cleaning Breyen's room. I'm trying to get used to the idea of her not being here and in my heart I think this time she won't come back home. I just pray that all is well with her. Cleaning her room was an overwhelming task. However, it looks a little bit more like a guest room now. I still have to get to her closet and break the news to her that she will need to get her things.

We had dinner at Mom's it's always nice to get family together. Fanny Early came by and gave me a card. I love her spirit, she is so funny. She lifts my spirit.

Well tomorrow is the lymph node removal surgery. I'm as ready as I can be. I've prayed and asked God for no complications, I've asked him to bless the surgeon and to let me come home tomorrow after surgery. Tyler's prom is next Saturday and the conference Track meet is on Friday and I want to be home for that.

When surgery and Tyler's activities are done. I will have to start looking into selling the house or renting it or something. I think I can hold on through the summer. Moving on in some ways I'm looking forward to it. First things first...surgery, Tyler graduated and off to college. I will recover for about four weeks from surgery and then I will begin radiation. I had hope all of this would be over by summer, but I took the time making the decision about this surgery so it pushed treatment back. Also, since I can't eat after midnight tonight, I plan to start back with my healthy eating habits and try to get some pounds off so I can wear my clothes, get back to church and back to my job search!

I have to be at the hospital by 11:30 AM. Surgery is scheduled for 1 PM.

Holla

Feeling Better

I have been feeling much better. I am still struggling with fatigue, but the rest of my body seems to be adjusting. I am still scheduled for surgery to remove lymph nodes on Monday, May 11, 2009. I am dreading the surgery not my decision to have the surgery but rather the surgery itself because I am feeling better. I'm back in physical thearpy but still feeling better. I go to physical thearpy for my right shoulder it's been very painful but it is getting better. My weight remains a challenge and I am trying to eat better. The neuropathy is not gone but it is much better I have long streaches with no pain now. I just need to get this weight down so that I can get back into my clothes because I don't have any funds for a new wardrobe. I stay in sweats most of the time. I did loose two pounds, hopefully I can keep it going.

I have a little hair now. It's growing in evenly with lots of gray! It's nice and soft but I would like to see more of it. Also when I go to surgery, the Surgeon will remove the port from my chest. Now that's exciting.

I continue to pray for complete healing.

Lymph Node Surgery

The surgery for lymph node surgery removal is scheduled for May 11, 2009 at 1 PM. It should be a sameday procedure meaning I will come home after surgery. Mom has asked if any nodes are positive will that require me to have more chemo. She does not want me to have any more chemo. In her words chemo is poison. Well she's right about that. I don't want to ever have to have chemo again and I don't think the results of this surgery will persuade me to do so. Just pray that all goes well.

This will now push radiation into summer, ba hum bug.

Holla

Looking for Someone to Blame

I blame myself a lot for having breast cancer. I blame myself beause I had a cyst years ago in my right breast that was aspirated. And though I asked what caused cysts and my doctor didn't have a real answer for me, I let it go. I blame myself for when the mamograms were not clear and I had ultrasounds to determine that they were "ok"; I didn't pursue it further. I blame myself feeling something and trusting medical technology and not insisting that the doctor's keep looking forward. I blame the OB/GYN for checking my breast and saying everything was ok. I blame the surgeon for checking my breast and saying everything is okay. I blame myself for waiting til my forties to eat healthy. I could go on and on. However, last week when I went for a second opinion about lymph node removal and tried to share with my family what the doctor said the blame game started again.

Specifically it started with my mother who got upset with me because she thought I said the doctor who gave the second opinion said I had chemo unnecessarily. When in fact that is not what I said nor what the doctor who gave the second opinion said. Later I found out that Mom called Ferlando and Katrina to verify that I did indeed tell them that What I did share with them all is that the doctor said that studies have found in the type of breast cancer that I have that chemo is not always effective and in the future may only be treated with surgery, radiation and hormone thearpy. Then it dawn on me, that Mom is looking for someone to blame. Ferlando and Katrina shared with me today that they were sure what the second opionion really meant.

It's a daunting task for me to understand everything. So, I stay on the internet, always researching, picking up books at the doctor's office, asking questions of medical professionals and most of all talking to others who have experienced breast cancer and other types of cancers.

The support group at the American Cancer Society also helps. I really wish that Mom would consider attending the support group or calling the thearpist there. I think it would really help her as it has helped me and she could connect with others willing to share those deep inner feelings that others go through when watching a loved one go through cancer treatment. They could help her understand and know that there really is no one to blame. I know that but I still struggle with it. I know Mom is struggling watching me go through and I know she still carries the others as well...there is no blame it just as the book saids "Bad things happen to good people all the time". It is what it is!

Lymph Nodes

Well relunctantly I decided to have additional lymph nodes removed. I made the decision based upon medical advice given to me by several physicians. It's disappointing to me because I want all of this to be over with. However, after visiting the plastic surgeon today I realize that this will go on for some time to go. Because I have to have radiation, he can't complete the breast restruction at the same time that the lymph nodes are removed. The order of things will go something like this:

1) lymph node removal - level one and level two (possibley of to 20 lymph nodes)
2) Radiation - Four weeks of radiation after 4 weeks of healing from the lymph nodes surgery
3) Completion of breast reconstruction six weeks after completion of radiation.\

Total time approximaley four more months


Well I am getting some hair. I have hair growing under my arms and the peach fuzz on my head is starting to lay down. I look like a little old man with thinning hair.

I'm working on getting my weight down. I lost 2 pounds this week but learning to eat healthy again is hard. I cheated today, I had a slice of cheese cake from the chees cake factory. But I've worked out every day this week.

My energy level is slowing returning and I'm feeling better so I'm feeling more encouraged. I just hate to give it up to go back to surgery and healing all over again.

Well that's it for now.

Holla

All Clear

Thank you Jesus!

Yip Yip Yippy Yea! I got the results from the PET Scan today. It was all clear, no more cancer!!!I'm so glad.


Now I need to make the dicision take more nodes or not. The doctor said to me today that the things they do to cure us are horrible but cancer is worst. So that's in the forerfront of my mine as I go into this weekend thinking and praying about what to do. Anyway, just celebrating this moment for now.

Holla!

Second Opinion

Today I went to see a doctor at the University of Chicago for a second opinion in regard to removing additional lymph nodes. My prayer has been that I could forego going back to surgery for lymp node removal and subjecting myself to higher risks of lymphdema. My thinking was that usually lymph nodes are removed prior to chemo and since I had chemo is it really necessary to remove them now. My surgeon told me that there is no real data about this situation because most people have the nodes removed before chemo. He indicated that is it reasonable not to remove them but could not say it would reduce or increase the risk of recurrence. The surgeon indicated that his best personal advice to me would be to remove the nodes. My oncologist gently suggests that they should be removed as well. Today's second opinion came from a female who also recommends that the nodes be removed. However, she gave me more detailed information that clarified some things for me. I have to tell you that I was/am leaning toward not having the nodes removed. However, tonight I will give it all to
God and see what tomorrow brings. I got back to the oncologist tomorrow he is expecting a decision. I will also get the results of the PET Scan I took last week.

On another note, Mom called today to take me to Macy's to buy me a Easter outfit. It was so cute, it made me think of the days when I took the girls Easter shopping. I know that she wanted to do it to encourage me to go to church. I told her I was not ready nor do I want the bigger clothes; not just yet anyway.

The rescue cavalier sent a women to my home today. Remember I said I wanted a dog when this is all said and done and Tyler is away at school....well we will see.

It's happening, in a weird way but it's happening. I continue to loose hair. My eyebrows are now almost all gone, the hair on my leggs is disappearing now too. It's the last of hair I had, but guess what I have hair growing in my armpits, real hair not just peach fuzz. I have peach fuzz on my head now, it's not real hair yet, you have to get real close to me to see it. In a way it looks like an old man who has lost his hair and only has that soft baby hair close to his scalp. At this point it looks white. I was told that it may all grow back white. Well only time will tell. Hopefully I will have enough hair by Tyler's graduation to toss the wig!

The Wounded

Tonight I attended my cancer support group. The group has grown since I joined, which really bothers me. Breast Cancer seems to be running rampant. After tonight's meeting I came away with the title of today's entry into the blog. There are about 15 women in the group and each and every one of them has been wounded by the breast cancer treatment and healing. The treatment has left wounds like mine; neuropathy, weight gain, heart problems, bone pain, bone loss, other cancers, burning, loss of breast, altered breast, pain, arm pain, lypmphdema, fatigue, mental angish, depression, loneliness, abandonment, lost of faith, fear, and the list goes on. We are in the group to support each other through the journey, we live, we learn to laugh, we focus on "me", we trust our doctors, we challenge them and most of all we wonder "why". However, there are women in the group who are suvivors, two time survivors, and carry the wounds from the first treatment and the wounds from treatment of the recurrence......Just wounded. How do you heal the wounds...with Life, with faith, with prayer.

Pray for the wounded!

Lots of stuff

Well it's been a while since I've sat down to write in the blog. It's is not because I haven't thought about it but rather because my thoughts are everywhere and I didn't think I could make since of them on paper. However, I have decided to attempt to put my thoughts on paper or in the blog I guess I should say.

My last chemo treatment was March 2, 2009. Since that time I have been getting stronger and stronger and yet my energy level still is not where it was before chemo started. I go out and I can pretty much geth through whatever I am doing but when I come in I am either knocked out (asleep) or I just sit and don't move around much. Part of not moving also has to do with motivation. The house has become a different place for me. It's place where you're suppose to rest but then I can't get up and the walls tend to close in on me.

The House
The house is generally a mess. I've been trying to get movtivated to clean it up because even when the girls clean it, it just doesn't seem clean. So each day I try to do a little. Today for example I am washing and folding clothes that have been left on the utility room floor for over a month. Today I will finish that up. Tyler has been washing clothes but stuff remains in the floor and the utility room and getting her to put stuff way is a chore unless she wants to go somewhere or do something.

The power on the lower level of the house was out for about two weeks. I didn't know what I was going to do about that because my finances allow me to pay mortgage. cobra and car note. There's no room for repairs and other stuff not going well in the house. So I pray constantly that the the house will run well and that nothing will go wrong. However, when the power went out I decided not to worry and was starting to make the adjustment to not being able to use the lower level of the house at night. The garage door also was not working but thank goodness the car was not in the gargage when the power was lost. I called Darlene's cousin Butch who did some electrical work for me last year. He called his friend Lyndon and they came out a couple of times and got everything working. I didn't know how I was going to pay them and when I asked them how much I owed them, they told me the work was from their heart and that I didn't owe them a thing. Amazing, God is good and the two of them can never know just how grateful I am.

I often wonder how I can say "Thank You" beyond the words so that instensity of the heart felt gifts I have received are appreciated.

The Girls
The girls are doing well. Tyler is running better. It seems that a weight has been lifted from her sholders since chemo ended. I have been able to get out to her track mets. The one I didn't feel so well but I was determined to go and I'm glad I did. Since that time I've managed to get to evey meet. A couple of time my feet have been bothering me (the neropathy causes so much pain, I can barely walk). However, Darlene, Breyen and others have made sure that I've made the games.

We also got good news. The coach from U of I called to say they are offering Tyler a full ride. "Thank You Jesus". We're just waiting for the paper work so we can get it signed. In the mean time as most of you know; Tyler had her heart sat on going to Hampton. I had promised her that we could go see Hampton so that she would know if she would feel as if she missed out on somthing or not and if she still wanted to go after our visit, she would understand that she would have to work toward getting the the financial to make her attendance possible. I pray that God will show her the clear path and what works best for her. I had been looking at fare to get to Virginia and waited too late to get good pricing. I had asked Mom to use her credit card and then I thought just let me take a look at my United mileage. I knew I had no points but I also know that I accoumulate points with my debit card but I didn't thng I had many points and I didn't. I had 67 points and guess what it was enough to get us both there. God is good.

This weekend Tyler participated in the Indoor Track and Field Prep Top Times Championship. She came in 8th in the 55 witha a time of 7:29 and her 4 X 2 team came in 2nd. It does my heart good to see her compete and do well. I pray she will do even better in college and possibly the olympics one day but even without the olympics, it just a joy to see her compete. The only sad part is that her family does not take the time to come out to see her compete. Oh well, it doesn't bother her so I won't let it bother me.

We got Tyler's prom dress and now need to get it altered. Louis told me to get the dress and he would pay for atleast half. However, after I used bill money to get it, he decided that he could only spare $100. That man will never change. It took a lot to keep my stress level down. I refuse to allow him to adverses affect my health via stress. He's thinking about getting remarried and told me that his fiance cares about him and his children. He comes out to all of Tyler's track meets, gives her $20 here and there and helps Breyen here and there, yet he never comes through where it really counts. I reminded him that he saw his own mother go through breast cancer and heart disease and what it did to her financially. I should have known, he only offered his daughter $100 in spending money to half way around the world to Australia. Knock me up side the head she told me he didn't help her either, shortly thereafter she died. It's hard for me to keep going to court to force him to meet his financial obligations because I don't have the money for a lawyer. I trid doing it on my own (per se) but my health doesn't allow me to keep up the numerous court dates before a judge will make a decision and without a lawyer the dheecision is usually in his favor. I've not had good success in the legal arena but I will keep trying to find someone to help. Maybe one day he will just do the right thing. Funny in our recent conversation he pointed the finger at me for the divorce (he still can't figure out why that happened) I didn't explain!

Breyen is doing her thing. She is having some ah ha moments and I'm getting some peace. She talks to me everyday and I often hear her repeat a lot of things I've been trying to teach her a long the way. I continue to pray for God's angel's to protect her until she finds her place and settle's down so that the beautiful young women that I know and raised can shine through.

Mom
Mom and I had lunch last week. It was a quiet lunch. I think we are both finding a new place with our relationship. I know she worries about me and as I get better I pray that some of the worry will cease. Better yet I pray that the stress that she has in her life as a result of worrying about me will go away. We haven't been spending a lot of time together, as it seems since before my birthday weekend our time together was stressful and full of drama. The drama is too hard for me. It takes it toll along with everything else that I'm going through, so for me I've had a little peace.

My Health

Well the chemo left me with neurothpathy (nerve pain) which often prevents me from walking. It also causes a lot of pain when I shower ( I hate to be dirty and stinky; I hate to take a shower). I take showers as quickly as possible. Last weekend I managed to get to a track meet and to Nona's baby shower but I was in a lot of pain. I take medication for the pain three times a day. In addition I have done some research and found some natural herbs that are suppose to help. According to the doctor, the neuropathy should ease up over time; eveyone is different so it may take weeks, months, years or never go away. I have been praying that it will indeed go away. I tried last week to put on a pair of low heel boots, no go. My feet didn't like that at all.

I want to go to church, but the chemo and the steroid have put 20 pounds on me. I can't wear my clothes. I stay in sweats and gym shoes and even my sweats are getting tight. I need to diet, but it's hard. I tell myself, I've gotten this weight off before, I can do it again. However, before I was able to run and workout hard, now my feet won't even allow me to walk much let alone attempt to walk on a treadmill or run. And wearing hard shoes is a no go for now. However, I am encouraged. I have not had as much pain in my feet as I did last week.

I know I gained weight because of the steroid but I can't stand me. I can't stand to look at me and I feel very uncomfortable. I know I know many say I'm still not that big but for me it's a set back mentally and physically. It's a big deal for me and yet it's very small in the scheme of things.

Next Steps
I have to decide rather or not to have lympn nodes removed. It means more surgery, and a higher increase of lymphdema. My oncologist thinks I should have them removed, my surgeon thinks I should have them removed, my OB Gyn thinks I should have the removed. But not can really tell me why. Typically lymph nodes are removed before chemo. Since mine were not, my question is: "did the chemo kill the cancer in the nodes? Either way if some nodes are positive and some negative they don't usally change your prognosis or change treatment. Statically I have not done well with the odds on the positive side of things during all of my treatment so I'm weary of having the nodes out, a little distrustful and questioning myself about being vane in my decision because I don't want to walk around with a big arm and not able to do the things I do today in regard to exercise. My children think I should have the nodes reomoved and one of Tyler's friends's Mom let me know she had hers nodes removed, they were all negative and she did get lymphdema. My friend Darlene suggested that I fast and pray and let the God lead me. The best plan yet!

Hair
It's been almost a month and I still have no hair. In fact my eye brows are still thinning. As Breyen pointed out, I have peach fuzz. It's mostly gray though. I figure by June I might have a little hair. I'm tired of wigs so as it gets warmer I may sport my bald head.

Well yall there's a lot more, but I think this is enough for now.

Holla Back!

What a Day

This morning I started my day preparing for Chemo. Breyen was supposed to take me to chemo but since she was up late helping Rachel and Robin get settled in their new place, I took Chris up on her offer to take me to chemo. Chris picked me up at 7:45. She took me to physical thearpy so we could try a thearpy that will hopefully give me some relief from the neuropathy in my hands and feet. From there we went on to the Doctor's office for chemo. Things were moving really slow so Chris and I just sat and laughed and talked. I was call in to have my blood draw; it turned out that my white blood cell count was really low. As a result, I was concerned that I would not be able to get chemo today. I have been on schedule (every two weeks) with my chemo treatments from the beginning and I did not want to put it off. I especially didn't want it put off today because today's chemo treatment was scheduled to be the last. The toughest part today was that the neupathy was really bad in my feet. When I was called in to see the doctor they took my weight and I won't turn you what my weight is, just know I'm a big girl! Anyway when the doctor came in and I shared with him how severe the neuropathy has been, he said you are done, no chemo today. I said to him explain "done" he said you have 98 percent of the chemo in your system and if we give you chemo today with neuropathy as bad as it is it would weaken you and you would not be able to walk. I didn't know rather to laugh or cry, scream for joy or what so I just simply thanked God that I am done with this poison. I hugged chris and the Dr. Here I was concerned that I would not get the chemo and would be off schedule due the WBC and God just stepped in and gave me a special gift!!! What an awesome God he is. There is more I have yet to consider the removal of more lymp nodes and more good news, I will have to do 4 weeks of radiation instead of 6. I went back to say thank you the chemo nurses. I also went into the chemo room to say goodbye to the other patients that I sat next to every other week and shared prayers with and they had good news as well. A couple were in remission and another was receiving her last chemo.

Chris and I went to celebrate that means eating; something I will definitely have to stop. I'll worry about that when the neuropathy allows me to be on my feet more often. It may take awhile but that's okay. I just look forward to it going away. And, I may have a little hair by this time next month. I call Mom and all my other family members and friends to share the good news..."it was good"

What a Day... A Good Day, A Blessed Day.

Praying for complete healing.

Holla

Disconbobulated

I am so overwhelmed. There's so much going on. I am fighting neuropathy so much so that I think I almost overdosed on pain medication yestersday. There is so much going through my mind that I have been unable to write in the blog. I decided to attempt to write tonight so I'm not sure how it will all come out or even if it can come out. Tyler made me realize how much folks depend on me. I had already noticed that Louis calls me to get things done where the girls are concerned. I always wonder to myself why he gives things to me to get done, I have enough to do and think about. Tyler let me know that I abondoned her in her college application process. She is so overwhelmed because I haven't been doing the things I've always done for her, she was sitting back waitin. g for me to make things happen. Because I was not making them happen she is depressed. I guess I spoiled her because I raised her and did most things for her. I know that Darlene and PeeWee hear these words and understand completely. Well I'm guilty for making things happen and my illness has gotten in the way...put a speed bump in the road. I'm disappointed too because I watched Breyen give up on her talents and now she floating around trying to figure something out but she doesn't know what. Mom has always depended on me too and in some ways I feel like I let her down. I was trying to help her during my illness and we have all enabled her negative ways and yet we don't like it when it's aimed at us. I've had to push back because I get hurt and it's too over whelming for me to handle or enable right now. Ferlando had surgery and had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, hopefully she's nurturing him right now and it will be enough to hold her for awhile. See I said this would be disconbobulating.

My last chemo is on Monday. Yea but I still have to get through the side effects. I guess I need to get over this stuff so I can get back into the grove in everyway. No rest for the weary.

I went to physical thearpy today. We tried something new for he neurpathy and it seems to have worked. My physivcal thearpist is wonderful. She's a breast cancer survivior and can truly relate. I worked with Delores today. It felt good. I felt like I had a purpose. Tyler had a track meet tonight, she didn't do well and that didn't help her mental state. I can only continue to pray for my children. Continue to pray for me.

I'm going to stop now, I have so much bottled up and it isn't allowing me to put it in writing very well tonight. What can a girl do....I'm also fat, gaining weight from the steroid and feeling very depressed about that.

Enjoying my days on this side of the dirt.

Holla

Wipe out started last night. The neuropathy set in, I started having chills and started feeling fatigued. I'm glad that I was able to fine someone to cover for me at the club. Today is Ferlando's birthday. When I got up I was feeling well, I was encouraged. And, then it hit, the neuropathy was so bad at one point that I wanted to cry. I took some pain medication and laid my booty down around 10 this morning and I'm still on my back (4:47 PM). The wipe out has expanded to include a headache, bone pain and muscle and my heart is racing. The weather was beautiful today but I didn't get out to enjoy it. Hopefully I'll get out to enjoy days as spring gets closer and he weather remains stable.

I've been working on organizing my drawers at home. I'm trying to teach myself to focus again. It's hard for me to read for long periods or time or stay focused on anythng for long periods of time. I plan to try reading a short book soon. I have not been working out as much as I would like because the neuropathy has been driving me crazy. I really need to work out, the steroid they are giving me with this chemo drug is making me FAT. I hate it, all that work to get and keep my weight down is down the drain. Even my work out clothes are snug. However, I do realize the the more important thing is that I am here!

Mom has been coming over and calling everyday. It's hard for her. I hope she can adjust and focus on getting back to her life.

Hopefully radiation will not be hard on me, continuing praying!






!

Seven Down and One to Go

Today was my 7th chemo treatment. Much of the time at the doctor's office today was spent talking about ways of finding relief for neuropathy. Yeah just like everything else the side of effects of this chemo is kicking my butt. The nurse practictioner thougth that I should not have to have radiagtion. However, I told her that the doctor indicated because of the size of the tumor, I would have to have radiation. It would be nice if I did not have to have. I still have a lot of things yet to consider, more lymp node removal, historectomy or not, tamoxifen or arimadex, completion of breast reconstruction. However getting over this chemo mild stone is very encouraging.

Breyen took me to chemo this morning. Tyler had track practice. The two of them called me while I was in the chemo chair arguing about who got to drive my car today. I told them both I could deal with the issue. Folks just don't get it, I have to work on keeping my stress level down. I told them to keep the car situation as it was and texted Louis to deal with them and the issue. The benadryl put me to sleep and when Tyler picked up I came in and ate and went to sleep. Mom came by this evening. I was very groggy and didn't talk to her much. She wanted to know how I was doing. I told her fine. I hesitate to get into any conversation as it may become a argument and end in her calling me a liar. At any rate I'm just focusing on keeping my stress level down.

I have to be at the club at 5 Am...So holla yall I have to get some More sleep :).

Tomorrow is chemo treatment 7

Well I am not looking forward to tomorrow's treatment, yet I don't want to have it put off for any reasaon. I will have one more to go after tomorrow. I have to give my anxiety to God. I am praying that neuropathy does not get worst. It has been pretty bad all day today. I managed to be productive inspite of it. I cooked dinner and even baked a cake even though I felt like jumping out of my skin. In addition my shoulder has started bothering me again. My rotator cuff was irratated before all of this started and it's back to no good again. Oh well, the pain in my shoulder gets mixed in with the pain from the neuropathy.

Life goes on. Tyler had a track meet this weekend. She did well. I worked out a little and Pee
Wee's girls were here visiting for the weekend.

I talked with Mom briefly, still not smooth communication. I will keep praying for her and for me because I truly angry and hurt. But that is not my focus. I have to focus in me remaining stress free and healing. Annie came to visit me this weekend, that's always pleasant she is such a wonderful person. Babysister called today to see how I'm doing she reminds me to be focused on getting well and that the time is winding down to chemo #8, the last one. Clara called we talked for a while about our lives. Ferlando came by to finish up some work on the computer. I prayed a lot today...I'll keep praying. Got word today that one of my friends has a rare type of cancer and will be going through chemo. I can only pray.

Holla

Depressed

I've not been very productive this week. I have been laying around doing nothing. I see lots of things that need to be done, but I don't have the umph to get up to get anything done. I need to mop floor, file papers and give the bathrooms a good cleaning. The girls wipe at stuff but don't really clean. I fussed at the girls tonight because their priorities are not at home but rather else where or so it seems to me. I ask at the beginning of the day for the house to be cleaned and at midnight still nothing done. I'm trying not to use my energy fussing esp since it seems to bring on the tingling. I think I'm really depressed because I did so well with the last chemo treatment. I had prayed for no symptoms and my prayer was answere. The symtons I had I didn't even know were symptoms (side effects). I continue to pray for no side effects. I am hoping and praying tha these last two treaments will not be so bad. I'm trying to suck it up,; the tingling gets so bad that it becomes painful. I know I know it could be worst and tonight I sat in my bed trying to remain calm realaxed until it passed. I pray that it doesn't get worst next week when I go back for the next treatment because I'll probably wound up on some medication that knocks me out and does not allow me to be up and about. This tingling makes me react like a junkie going through withdrawal. But tonight I sucked it up. It seems to get really bad at night, it's not so bad during the day.

I talked to Tee today. Larry had his surgery. He was scheduled to come home today. I will have to check on her because Larry is not a good patient. I'm probably not either esp not now with the ting ting tingling!!!!! Well I'm working on getting out of this depressiive state...Pray for me! I'm praying for us all.

Holla

Oh My God

OMG that's all I could utter tonight. The tingling and burning (neuropathy) is making me feel like I could just jump out of my skin or run in front of truck to take me out of my misery. The neusea was bad and this, this is just as bad. Different but just as bad. I spent time on the internet today looking for information on how to get relief from this. I found several studies with indications that Acetpel L Carnitine has been proven to help, vitamin B6, vitamin E, Tylenol, percoset, vicadin, a positive attitude, laughter, socializing and prayer. I have the Carnitine hoping it will kick in soon, taking vitamin E and rubbin vitamin E on my feet and hands, the other stuff puts me to sleep so I can't function with it during the day. I guess it doesn't matter since I can't seem to function when the tingling hits anyway. I have two more chemo treatments to go. I know God won't give more than I bear, but I am praying for relief. I feel like a crazy person, like I'm going out of my mind. According to my research it will get worse with each treatment. I recall that he doctor said that the body's first reaction would remain about the same....WRONG!! I don't know if he said that to encourage me, decrease my anxiety or if he out right lied or just doesn't know any better. Or I guess it could be as it has been through this treatment, I'm the 1 in 100 that gets whacked. Taking a shower brings it on even more, so I make the shower quick and then hold on for dear life! Pray of me.


I saw Mom today at the club. I was amazed that she brought her friends over to meet me. They were very encouraging telling me that they had me on various prayer lists for which I am grateful and I thanked them. I realized at that moment that I am angry at my mother, her treatment and the things she said to me over weekend hit hard. However, I quickly realized that I can't afford the energy for anger. I put the love for my mother out in front, I forgive her and I forgive myself. I've prayed about it and now I will be still.

I got a call from recruiters today. I was really feeling encouraged. They want me to go on an interview. I know I can do the job, but oh my God with this tingling I'm not so sure I can work and yet I desparately need to work. I'm watching Oprah's show highligthing injured soldiers and I realize I am so blessed and yet it's still hard getting through the chemo side effects.

Praying for relief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holla

Neuropathy is no fun

Today I neuropathy (tingling, burning and itching) in my hands and feet. It made me feel like I wanted to jump out of my skin or run into a wall and knock myself out. I thank God I did have a break for one treatment but after the neuropathy, the bone pain, the muscle pain and the fatigue I have anxiety about the last two. I just keep praying that God will see me through to complete healing. I felt so icky today I had to come in and take a show and lay myself down. I had to relax so that the neuropathy would not drive me out of my mind.

PeeWee left today. I enjoyed her being here. We just had a leisure day. I know she was tired after working with her husband and in-laws making funeral arrangements and attending services before coming here. I'm happy she came to celebrate my birthday on the heels of a sad occassion. And, I have not seen her since all of the breast cancer stuff started.

I got a call today for a job interview and I want and need to get back to work, so hopefully the timing of everything will work out. I hope radiation will allow me to work. I will have to find money for another interview suit because the steriod they have me on has put 12 pounds on me. I stay in sweats because all of my cllothes are tight or too small. I am going to have a lot of work to do to get back into my clothes. Oh well.

I have physical therapy tomorrow, I hope all of the pain is gone because I know I will have to run on the treadmill. I pray the neuropathy is gone....forever!!!!

Holla

My 50th Birthday

Well when I woke up this morning I was feeling pretty good. But that was spoiled because I had words with my Mom. By now I should know to just be quiet and listen, but I responded and things did not, go well. What a way to start my birthday. I don't think my mother ever plans to speak to me again. It hurts as much as having cancer itself, except I just don't know how to fix it. Who would have thought that my mother and I would would wind up at odds during all of this. Well just pray we can both find a comfortable spot for all of this and that I can continue to heal both mentally and physicially. Just praying that the rest of the day goes better.

Well the rest of the day went well considering that my Mom and I could not resolve our differences. We just srcreamed at each other and pointed fingers for our failures at communicating and understanding each other. I can only pray. It's hard to be abandoned by a mother period and even harder when you are going through some things and don't have your health. But I gave it to it to God and went on to enjoy the rest of my day.

PeeWee came into town and spent the night and today we went to Villa De Bruno's for brunch. A lot of my friends were there. JoAnne, Annie and PeeWee made the plans and it was good to see everyone that came out to celeberate my fifith birthday. Thank you JoAnne, Annie, PeeWee, Babysister, Joyce, Darlene, Ferlando, Maria, Ariel, Katrina, LaShawna, Mel, Tyler and Ferlando Thank you for coming out, it meant a lot. Maria and Ariel came back to the house and we played "Catch My Drift" it was a lot of fun. Breyen was MIA most of the day, but she was here this evening. Thanks everyone for the cards, calls and gifts.

Fifty, wow I've joined a new dedcade, the fifties club and my AARP card was right on time :).

"All things are possible through Christ Jesus" Remaining prayerful!

Today was a good day!
Holla

Tomorrow is my Birthday

Well, tomorrow is my 50th birthday. I will spend the day with family and friends and that does my heart good. It's not what I envisioned but I'm thanking God for it. The only downer is that my mother has decided that she does not want to participant or have anything to do with the plans for my 50th birthday celebration. She's mad at me again. It's just too much. This time she's angry because she thinks I choose to go see Madea goes to jail with my friends rather than with her. Had she given me a chance before she slammed and walked out the house I was trying to tell her we could go see it and I could still go back on my birthday. I knew JoAnne and Annie were trying to plan something. Everyone has been asking what I want for my birthday and I told everyone I really just want my health. Besides that I was so sick on Friday and I was in soooo much pain I couldn't get out of the bed other than to go to the bathroom and wound up in bed until today. I'm just starting to feel better today. No matter that Mom won't be there tomorrow; she has to do what she needs to do to take care of herself and I will always love and appreciate her but I can't continue to use energy, sweating the small stuff. It's too hard and this treatment for this disease zaps much of my strength mentally and physically so there's not much left for other stuff. I have to keep strength for the girls and fiances to try to keep a roof over my head and get Tyler off to college. She was accepted to Hampton today and she is extremely happy about that!

This wipe out as a result of this chemo treatment surprised me. I did so well last time and I think I assumed that this one would be easy too, so when the pain and fatigue hit I was caught off guard. I didn't do hydration this week and that may be why I got hit so hard, or it may just be that the next two are going to be just as hard; I don't know. As more of this junk gets into your system the worst it gets. I have two more treatments to go before radiation just keep praying for no side effects. I have been exercising, it's painful and hard and yet it feels good. Bone pain, muscle pain and Joint pain and neuropathy...some combination and in addition my white blood cell count was down so I had a shot of neulasta which also cause joint and muscle pain. I could hardly walk, but I tried not to let anyone know that. I told Chris and she continued to encourage me to workout which really does help. Thanks Chris for hanging in there with me.

PeeWee is here; she's staying with me. I'm worried because I love it when people come to stay with me but I hate to see the go. I never understood until now; but my Dad used to always tell me that he loved to see me come but he hated for me to leave. Now I know exactly what he meant and how he felt.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'll spruce up a bit put on some hair and makeup and enjoy the day. I love you all!

Holla

Sitting in the Chemo Chair #6

Well as most of you know the last chemo treatment went well with the exception that I had a cold. Today was I sat in the chemo chair for treatment #6. Six down and two to go. The treatment made me sleepy because it is given with a hugh amount of intervenous benadryl. I did manage to get my lunch in before it knocked me out. Mom came to pick me up and we then picked up Ferlando. I can in and managed to prepare dinner with Tyler's assistance. Bree checked out on us after she got in from class. Ferlando came back over and work on our computer and ate dinner with us. That is after I managed to get myself out of bed. This treatment did make my stocmach a little queasy. It made me feel like I had to move my bowels diahearra style but it didn't happen. Also, I have to go in tomorrow to get a neulasta shot because my white blood cell count is down. I was disappointed about that because neulasta causes joint pain. Taxol cause bone pain, muscle pain and neuropathy. Mixing these two drugs together may not be any fun. I'm continue to pray for no side effects. I was feeling so good after getting over the cold I had with last treatment, so you know I really did not want to go sit in that chemo chair today.

I spoke with an Inidan women who set next to me today. She was so upset because she had six chemo treatments and they did not work and they were now going to do a CT scan of the brain and continue her on chemo. I told her that I would pray for her and I did just that. It is so heart wrecking because from personal experience, I do know that it is hard. It's hard to go through and it's hard to watch anyone else go through. I pray that the chemo is working for me, I don't even want to begin to think about what having to continue with chemo would do to me mentally and physically. So just pray. I am praying for Tee, she is the care taken for her other half who is having surgery on Friday. I hope all goes well.

oh, yeah, I am growing peach fuzz on my head and hair under my arms. Get this the peach fuzz on my head is gray, imagine that! Well Buggs and Dar I may be joining you with that beautiful salt and pepper hair. See I really am in the family!

Oh yeah, Happy Valentineseveryone. I hope you had a good day. I attended a Mother's Informing Mother Valentine breakfast. It was a nice opportunity to fellowship with other mother's and share encouraging words. I purchase a shirt for myself, I had to get a medium, who never had to have a meduium shirt and now I'm gaining weight and don't even want to think about getting into another pair of pants other than a pair of sweats! Exericse I need you, chemo I need to be finished with you so that I can cut back on eating and get my body back together.

I plan to start putting resumes out at the begining of March, I need to get back to work. Dr. said if I do well on next treatment he will release me to work. Yea! Well I have to get up at 4 AM so Holla Yall

I ran today

Today in physical thearpy I was given the clearance to run on the treadmill. I was so excited. I got on the treadmill and ran in intervals. I ran for one minute and walked for three for twenty minutes. I really felt good and came right on time because I have gained ten pounds since chemo started. I hate being heavy, I feel so uncomfortable. I know, I know I need the weight for the chemo and I will not diet but I will try to get back in the gym on a daily basis on my off chemo weeks. I am too excited. I have three chemo treatments to go. Pray that the cancer cells are all gone. I guess we will start talking about radiation soon. I will probably have to have 25 to 30 zaps. Pray for no damage, yep even that can cause ugly side effects.

I have decided to start fighting small battles with the girls to get them to get things done around the house, but it is stressful so I need to be careful because my health comes first. Breyen hopefully will be back in school next week. Tyler is now being recruited by U of I and still she is not satisfied. Pray for her, so many kids would love to be in her spot. Money is really the issue here and the schools that are recruiting her are good schools. Wish I could be so luck with finding and getting a good paying job and excellent health!

I went to visit Tyra today. She is so beautiful and funny. She had surgery last week and is at home healing. It was nice to be able to visit someone else. It will be even better when I can get back on my feet and give back to all those who have been so supportive of me.

I felt really good today. Thank you Jesus!

Holla

Six Days later

It's six days out since my last chemo. This one was not so bad and I am feeling encouraged. I prayed for no side effects. I did have a few but in comparison to what to the side efffects I've experienced over the last couple of months this was a breeze. I'm prayerful that it will remain this way. I did have a cold this time and had to be on an anit-biotic so I stayed in most of the week. Unfortunately I had to go into the club on Thursday night. It was really hard to be there because I really didn't feel well. I was cold and feeling week, but I managed. I came straigt in and went to bed. I'm not sure if it was the cold that had me feeling weak and fatigue or if it was the chemo. I did have IV fluids the day after chemo but I ate good and was able to get fluids down this week. It was gud!

Tyler had a track meet this week, she could not run though because she has a conconsion. She almost knocked herself out when she stood up at school and hit her head on the locker. I am looking for forward to seeing her run this year and praying that she has another successful year. I love to see her run. Hopefully I will make the first official indoor track meet. Three more treatments to go and I will be able to be at all of the outdoor meets.

I do realize that I am truly blessed, things could be worst. And all of you who read the blog, those who don't or don't even know about itl...you have all been a blessing...how do I say Thank you except to say Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't how I could ever give you all what you have given me, love, support, it's awesome and overwhelming!

I plan to start getting my resume out starting the first of month. Given this last chemo treatment I am feeling like I can get back to work. I definitely need to get back that's for sure. I told Tyler we have to start planning dates to shop for Prom and maybe visit a few collages. Sitting on the couch everyday is a drag and the walls close in so I need to be more focused and productive. I pray that God will inject her with some endorphins that will allow her to laugh like she used to, to silly and funny which is so her brings me so much joy. I pray she can get excited about college and start looking forward to college life.

Mom keeps the house clean and meals cooked. She's angry with the girls for not doing more. She doesn't have any faith in my children which disappoints me because that makes me feel that she has not faith in me. Children today are tough and I want the best for both of them and keep them in prayer. These are tough times for us and I wish I could help my Mom put on a positive face (have a positive attitude) but it's not her disposition. I've struggled with her negative outlook most of my life. I think I've moved beyond it and will try to be positive for all of us.

I continue to be encouraged, keep praying. I go to the doctor tomorrow, let ya know how it goes.

Holla!

Chemo today

I had my fifth chemo treatment today. The chemo was with the single drug, it took about 5 hours. First I received an anti neusea drug, that tooke about half hour. Then I received a steroid and benadryl. That benadryl made me so sleepy, I tried to fight it but I couldn't so I slept much of the time that I was receiving the chemo. It's Monday night and so far I'm doing ok. My mouth is dry and food tastes funny but so far so good....no neusea. Pray that it continues that way and that I get no bone pain. I go back in tomorrow for hydration that will take about two hours.

Mom took me to chemo but it wasn't pleasant because she's mad at me again. I guess she's really mad, she blew the horn for me this morning, she did not get out of the car until I beckened her in. She didn't talk to me except where absolutely necessary and when she picked me up I got the same. She dropped me of, she did not come in, she saw Breyen's car in the drive way and said Breyen should be able to fix you something to eat. I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY MOTHER!!!! I had a lot of anxiety today about this new chemo drug and could not believe I had mom's behavior/anger to deal with as well. I just don't have the energy. I have to focus on getting well and not sweating the small stuff. I love my mother and will continue to pray for her, for us.

I'll let you know how it goes over the next couple of days!

Holla!

Chemo Number Five

Well tomorrow is another chemo day. I'm not looking forward to it, but I can tick another one off the calendar. Tomorrow is the first chemo with the single chemo drug. It's suppose to be less neuseating. I certainly hope so. I am praying for no side effects. I started feeling better Thursday from the last treatment so I've had five pretty good days. Chris and Sandra took me out to lunch on Friday. It was nice to get out be around normal folks. Annie and Darlene took me out Friday night and that was nice we talked and had a few good laughs. Yesterday I took Tyler up north to do some shopping for her birthday. She wants to get a tatoo for her birthday, so she will be the first to get her "God Heals Tattoo. Hopefully I will recover enough from this chemo treatment to take her next week. Actually today, Feb 1, is Tyler's 18th birthday. Both of my babies have grown up. I went over to Mom's today to watch the Superbowl with Ferlando and Nona. We had so much fun. Breyen, Trina, Shawna and Tyler came through as well. The girls love Larry Fitzgerald's booty (Arizona) :).

Yall just keep praying! Holla back at yall shortly!

My Biggest Fear

Most of my life and the prayers said in my life included asking God to allow me and my loved ones to be disease free and specifically cancer free. Well I'm living my biggest fear and I do want to live, but I have to tell you that this week I just felt like giving up. I have had so much support, I really don't want to give up on myself or those that love and support me, but I am tired of being sick. The chemo keeps me so nauseated and sick and I'm just tired of being sick. I guess I should say I'm sick and tired of being sick. The walls in the house are closing in no room feels good. I feel like I have no purpose. I'm a burden to Mom and I represent fear and abandonment to my children. I'm trying I swear I am but this is hard. I can't even put it in words. I'm mad at myself for being so weak. People around me say that I've been really strong and handling this well. I don't know what they see cause it's not what I'm feeling. I had my last chemo treatment 8 days ago and today my stomach is still flopping. I had a bowel movement today that was just full of chemo, the smell was the same as the taste in my mouth. Yuk I've gotten really mental, I hate going to the doctor because it just represents more sickness. I know it's suppose to be for a cure but I'm beginning to wonder is it worth it. I want my life back but I can't see the light at the end of he tunnel. Even if i get past this there's he knowledge that breast cancer can re-occur and even if I make it through can I do it a second time? I know there are many women out there that have survived and I want to be in that number, I just hope I'm strong enough to get there. I'm still pushing, still trying, but I'm just one big tear drop right now. Even the doctor looks at me with sadness in his eyes, he's used everything in his arsenal to help with neusea; nothing has worked. I have heartburn, indigestion and very little sits well in my stomach. I keep eating though, for the first time since I started this I lost weight. They, who is they...the doctors, nurses, etc. tell me the next four treatments may not be as bad. I have no faith in what they say. Each time they give me the 1 in 1000, I'm he one! I'm trying to remember what Mel told me about living for today because tomorrow is not promised, despite me having Cancer or anyone else. Right now though I just feel like a failure, it seems as it as been implied that I am a wuss when it comes to chemo, I think I've failed my children (I did try to be a good mother), I've failed at my career...I could just scream because I know that I have truly been blessed, I'm so much better off than others and I know things could be worst, but it just doesn't make me feel better at this moment. I think God is even mad at me for being so weak but I don't know any other way to handle it at this point. I could go on and on about what's inside and it cannot come out in words I can only shed the tears. Well JoAnne I had my thirty minute pity party today :). Let's hope I don't have a hang over tomorrow.

Holla

Four Down and Four to Go

I keep telling myself that each chemo treatment will get better. In some ways I guess it does because I try to positive about it. In reality they're just tough. I watch and talk to other patients who do not have the problems with neusea and dryness that I have and I keep thinking it will get better. Well I have four treatments behind me and four to go. The next chemo is Taxol and so I will have to wait to see how this effects me. I'm praying for healing and relief and of course constantly healing for no side effects.

I thought this morning that he most difficult job I've ever had parenting. I thought for a moment that this experience with breast cancer tops it all, but it actually does not. Parenting is still harder but this experience is a close second.

I didn't make it to the club this time, I was on my butt. I think will have to plan for that until this is done.

Not much more to say at this point. Mom's been keeping me fed and takes me back and forth to chemo and hydration. She's still frustruated with the girls and doesn't have very many nice things to say to them. It hurts but I just try to remain calm and use my energy to through chemo.

Talk at cha later!

I went to Church today

I pulled my courage together after Tyler looked at me like I was crazy for my reason for not going to church. I'm glad I went, it felt good and I felt good. Rev and Carolyn are going to the Inaugration, so exciting. I can remember the Civil Rights movement and how hard it was on blacks so I could not imagine that I would see anyone of any race or gender than white and male. With all of the excitment over the movement that will officially put a black man in office two days from now, personally there was a damper on it. On Nov. 4 I was recovering from surgery and had unpleasant words with my mother and on Tues. when he IngAugration takes place I will be sitting in an chemo chair. The upside to that of curse is the being cured of breast cancer. I think Non Violent Martin Luther King would have liked No Drama Obama. I ask Rev to bring me a picture of he and Carolyn, they always look so good together and I know on that day they will look like royalty and I'm looking forward to putting that in my scrap book.

Later today, I went to a birthday brunch for JoAnne's 50th birthday. The food was good and he company even better. But I have to tell you I had the bigges laugh. I was talking to my friend Joyce and I was laughing at somehing she said. I put my head back and laughed off flew my wig. I was shocked, I put my hand over my head and I whispered to Joyce " My hair is on the floor". It was hilarious. Joyce had not even noticed it until I whispered to her. She recovered quickly and told me to get behind her to pick up. I got behind her and picked it up. I put it back on my head really quickly. And then the Ms. JoAnne the birthday girl comes up and saids "girl you need to take a trip to bathroom and comb your hair. By that time Tyler looked at me and I told her what happened. She said thank God I didn't see it fall because I would have hollered. We all had a good laugh, probably the best laugh I've had since this all started. I'm glad I was with friends and that we could all laugh. Well Rev. I guess the hair looks okay, I just need to learn to keep the hair on my head.

Well tomorrow is chemo #4. Holla at yall tomorrow!

Anxious

I haven't felt like blogging much lately. The subject matter doesn't seem to change. However, I remind myself that the subject matter is the reason for the blog. The only thing that I can tell you at this point is that I have a lot of anxiety because I know the dreadful feeling that chemo will bring and I'm dreading it. Yet I'm getting anxious because the next treatment will put me at the half way mark. I need to get back to work so that I am not facing foreclosure on my home, in the near future, yet I realize that the chemo won't allow me to work. So I'm trying to put together a plan with a timeline for renewing my job search. I keep telling myself that 2.3 million women have survived breast cancer in the US and I'm looking forward to being in that number but so much goes into it, so it's easier said than done. I'm not a person who likes to sit around and this house and these walls and even my own bed are starting to drive me crazy. Mom spends much of her time cooking for me and trying to make sure that I eat. So I eat and I eat, I'm actually tired of eating. I eat things now that I would never eat before. I worry about eating sugar because my reading tell me that sugar feeds cancer. I love sugar. Mom brought me Ensure which I don't even want to entertain drinking. Drinking is hard for me. I think I figured out why. I've had heartburn and Indigestion these last couple of weeks another reason my stomach stays so up set. I figured that out when I called the Dr. this week to get some help with Mouth sores. They gave me a cocktail of Lanacane, Benadryl and Malox. Not only did it help he mouth sores, it also settled my stomach.

I went to the club today and I was feeling pretty dry. I drank five or six bottles of water today along with some Gatorade and did not have to go potty. That's seriously dry. It let's me know that changing my chemo day to Mondays is probably a good decision because that gives me all week to go back to the Dr. for IV fluids.

I want to go to church. I can't make up my mind to go and I'm not sure why. I go out other places and I've even been to other churches. Tyler asked me why I couldn't make up my mind to go and I told her I was afraid of catching a cold. I don't know I will have t0 pray on it and find the courage.

Tyler cleaned house today and Breyen has gone back to some of her old ways. I just keep praying.

It's late so I suppose I should go to bed so If I decide to go to church I can get up.

Holla

I Saw Tyler Last Night and Played Peak a boo w Breyen

Last night the girls and I had so much fun. We watched American Idol, played music and danced. I was Tyler last night as the person she really is. She performed for us danced and flipped and her laughter filled the house. Even Breyen joined in and laughed and cracked a few jokes. It was nice to see and hear, probably the most fun we've had in this house for a while. Tyler even taught me how to do the Bird Walk. We watched it on line, then turned on some music and got busy. They love to see me dance, they say I dance better as I get older. Endorphins were flying all over the place and it was wonderful. Clara called just as we were settling down and even she sounded like her endorphins were flying we share some good jokes and lots of laughs.

Well today I went to physical thearpy. I love physical thearpy and my physical thearpist.
She's a lot of fun, we were out and laugh a lot while we're doing it.

Today, the blue Tyler returned. I tried pushing her more so that she will make a decision about school and I think that may have depressed her more. I just don't want to see her miss her blessings. She told me she didn't really want to go to college. I told her was okay, but she still had to have a plan to develop a skill set that will allow her to work and support herself. Well in the end she got another application this time to Howard. I told her to narrow some things down and we could visit a few colleges.

Anyway, Chemo is Monday. My stomach is not queasy but it feels like it could be at any minute. I think a lot of it at this time is mental for me. Again thiw is he last of the two chemo drugs and Monday will put me half way done. The next drug they say will cause less neusea but more pain, bone pain to be specific and there's nothing they can give to ease the pain. I'm just praying. I do also have a few mouth sores. I got mouth wash today, but I haven't used it yet, it looks yukky! Tomorrow I have to go in for a heart monitor because I've been having heart palpatations; so I must venture out into the cold.

Yall all stay warm. Love you!

Holla

Mommy I'm so Sad

Last night Tyler said to me "Mommy I'm so sad" and it broke my heart. I put my arms arounds her and told her that I did not want her to be sad. It brought tears to my eyes. I had noticed that she had been sleeping a lot lately and eating constantly. Well I know that sleeping is a sign of depression and she's doing what I call "feeding my feelings". I told myself that I am still a parent her mother and that I am suppose to be able to do something to make things better. Tyler has always been the carefree one, the one who laughs alot, she's silly and loves to have fun. I admire that in her because I've always been so focused that I think I forget myself how to have fun. Although I must admit I had a ball last year in Hawaii. I feel so bad for Tyler because it's her senior year and my illness has put a damper on that. We looked her her track schedule tonight and it seems that I will miss two of her indoor track meets. Hopefully, I'll make the others. I hope she has an awesome season and that I'm there see it. I'm planning to be there to see as much as I possibly can. Mel told me to stop putting things off until I'm better because tomorrow is not promised to any of us. She told me live for the moment. It brough tears to my eyes but I plan to do just that. I can say that now while the neusea is at bay, but I do realize it is true. God has given me so much already, so I have nothing to fear. My famous words, "it is what it is!

My stomach is better today, the heightened sense of smell has decreased, I have few gray hairs growing long on my head but they continue to fall out of course. Chemo again next Monday. I changed the date from next Thursday to Monday so that I can get hydration. The IV fluids seem to help.

Chris took Ellen and I out for our birthdays today. She is a special angel. Thanks Chris. Stephanie called me and talked to me as if we grew up together. I look forward to getting to know her better. Mom I love you. Breyen spent the day with me today taking me to three different doctor appointments, she was very patient and it was very nice to spend some time with her We talked just a little about her getting herself together. Her friend Brittany is going away I hope, they've been good friends since the third grade but right now they are not good for each other. Maybe the time away will allow them to grow up. I shared with her how hurtful her actions have been, she stepped up today. She brought stables and toiletries for he house today. Prayer is a powerful thing. Thanking God and greatful to be here.

Holla Yall! Much Love