Looking for Someone to Blame

I blame myself a lot for having breast cancer. I blame myself beause I had a cyst years ago in my right breast that was aspirated. And though I asked what caused cysts and my doctor didn't have a real answer for me, I let it go. I blame myself for when the mamograms were not clear and I had ultrasounds to determine that they were "ok"; I didn't pursue it further. I blame myself feeling something and trusting medical technology and not insisting that the doctor's keep looking forward. I blame the OB/GYN for checking my breast and saying everything was ok. I blame the surgeon for checking my breast and saying everything is okay. I blame myself for waiting til my forties to eat healthy. I could go on and on. However, last week when I went for a second opinion about lymph node removal and tried to share with my family what the doctor said the blame game started again.

Specifically it started with my mother who got upset with me because she thought I said the doctor who gave the second opinion said I had chemo unnecessarily. When in fact that is not what I said nor what the doctor who gave the second opinion said. Later I found out that Mom called Ferlando and Katrina to verify that I did indeed tell them that What I did share with them all is that the doctor said that studies have found in the type of breast cancer that I have that chemo is not always effective and in the future may only be treated with surgery, radiation and hormone thearpy. Then it dawn on me, that Mom is looking for someone to blame. Ferlando and Katrina shared with me today that they were sure what the second opionion really meant.

It's a daunting task for me to understand everything. So, I stay on the internet, always researching, picking up books at the doctor's office, asking questions of medical professionals and most of all talking to others who have experienced breast cancer and other types of cancers.

The support group at the American Cancer Society also helps. I really wish that Mom would consider attending the support group or calling the thearpist there. I think it would really help her as it has helped me and she could connect with others willing to share those deep inner feelings that others go through when watching a loved one go through cancer treatment. They could help her understand and know that there really is no one to blame. I know that but I still struggle with it. I know Mom is struggling watching me go through and I know she still carries the others as well...there is no blame it just as the book saids "Bad things happen to good people all the time". It is what it is!