Well, I'm starting to get my arms wrapped around this breast cancer thing, atleast for now. However, I went to the doctor today (primary care physician) and he thinks he hears something in my coroded artery (forgive me if I didn't spell that right). He has ordered an ultra sound of the artery. Well that through me into a downward spiral. It made me think, what's it all for...the healthy lifestyle, running, lifting weights, eating well and loosing 30 pounds and I still have breast cancer and may yet have other cancer and or issues. My body is jacked up...still have to have the biospy of the uterus....Well while I was having and sharing my pity party with Tyler, she reminded that if I didn't do all of those things, it could be worst. So pity party is over...
This was the first time that I met this doctor, and I actually think I like him. Mom went with me to the doctor. I told her it was not necessary. I know she feels she needs to be there and I want her there. I guess I want to pick and choose when I want her there and that's not fair to her. However, when I go see the plastic surgeon, I think I would like to go in by myself initially and then invite whoever wants to come in, so that they can ask questions. I was a bit stressed at the doctor today, I think my Mom and I stressed each other out. I pray for God's guidance with our communications and patience. It's a tough time for both of us. We stressed each other out about something that had nothing to do with my health and yet underlying I supposed the situation had everthing to do with my health.
I'm trying to do due digilence in getting dr. appts and follow up with all of the medical personnel. It's a full time job. In the next week I have four different appointments with four different drs. I have yet to schedule the appointment with the Oncologist. I have the day off from dr. appts tomorrow...yea
Nothing more to say, this whole situation is jacked up!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
How Are You
Every asks How are you? Everyone I talk to wants to know "how are you?" I guest the real question is "How are you really? I tell everybody I'm ok. I don't feel any different. I'm not in any pain. Everyone once in a while I think I feel some discomfort in my breast, but for the most part I'm all good. I go to sleep at night praying. My prayers in the beginning are about healing, survival, then they change into prayers for others. Last night, I prayed for my sister who just got some news that means she will need to make a nutritional lifestyle change. I hope she takes it seriously. Last night I prayed for my friend Maria, she's having a tough time. I need her to know that God will see her through and to just stand on faith. I shared my healing prayer book with her that was given to me by BabySister. Last night I prayed for all of my family. Last night I prayed for my mother to have strength and healing for her aches and pains and to have faith in God. Last night I prayed for the World and all of the chaos going on in the world today. Last night I prayed for the world, people, animal and things within it.
Mentally, the knowledge of having breast cancer makes me feel like I have alzimers. I can focus for long periods of time. I read much slower, think slower, process thought slower. I'm anxious to have this all done..but REALLY, I feel pretty good.
Mentally, the knowledge of having breast cancer makes me feel like I have alzimers. I can focus for long periods of time. I read much slower, think slower, process thought slower. I'm anxious to have this all done..but REALLY, I feel pretty good.
Friday, September 26, 2008
The Calm before the Storm
Today was a good day. I woke up thinking about breast cancer, I did a little reading on the subject, but once my day got started, I didn't think about it much. I went to visit my friend Maria, she isn't feeling well. It made me realize that my journey with cancer does not mean that I can't offer comfort along the journey of others. I will do what I can as long as I can to encourage her and let her know that she will heal and to be positive, faithful and prayerful, because God will see us through.
For the first time today, I saw how much my journey with cancer is affecting Tyler. It's her senior year and I hate that is putting a damper on things. Hopefully, she will stay strong. Breyen wants to be informed but keeps her distance. Funny, I wish I could watch this thing form a distance and in some ways I am. I keep thinking, is this real, can it be real. I look at myself, I look at my breast looks pretty normal to me. However when I feel the breast it reminds me quickly. But I'm better overall for now....
For the first time today, I saw how much my journey with cancer is affecting Tyler. It's her senior year and I hate that is putting a damper on things. Hopefully, she will stay strong. Breyen wants to be informed but keeps her distance. Funny, I wish I could watch this thing form a distance and in some ways I am. I keep thinking, is this real, can it be real. I look at myself, I look at my breast looks pretty normal to me. However when I feel the breast it reminds me quickly. But I'm better overall for now....
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Exhausted.
Today was a long day. I woke up with a nervous stomach because I knew I was going to get the details about the type of surgery I would need to have to rid my body of cancer and start the healing process. Waiting for this day as been nerve racking.
The plan was for Breyen, Tyler, Mom, Babysister and me to ride the train downtown to the Dr.'s office. Breyen decided not to go with us when she got up this morning. She decided to go to school instead. I am okay with that because I want her to get through this the way that she needs to get through it. Katrina and Ferlando met us downtown. Funny how things work out, when we arrived we found that the doctor was not expecting us. I made the appointment a week ago. His receptionist Polly told me Sept 24 @ 10 AM unless she called back to say something different. Well we got lucky because the Dr. was in and not in surgery as he often is on Thurs. mornings.
The Dr. brought us into the exam room and with a visual of the breast explained what I'm facing. The recommendation with this type of caner is mastectomy because the lobular cancer grows in clusters throughout the breast. So I would loose the right breast all together. The left breast is fine. The doctor also recommended that I go for immediate reconstruction. I have four options 1) take tissue from the buttocks, 2) take tissue for the back, 3) take tissue from the tummy or 4) breast implants. I can't remember what was said regarding my receptors but any way they are HER2 which is easier to treat and may not require chemo. However, during surgery blue dye will be injected into the lymp nodes, if cancer is found they will remove them and chemo will be required. This is a mere summary of the information we were overwhelmed with today. Too much to give you more at this time, I'm too exhausted.
My sister cried even more, my mother was pretty calm, my nephew asked a lot of questions, my aunt was assured and reminded me "How good God is", and Tyler, well she was quiet and reflective. We took some time after meeting with the doctor to discuss what's to come and we prayed together right there in the waiting area in the dotocr's office. It was awesome and I came away feeling relieved. We discussed what I want done and how and for that I am grateful. I told them how important it is for us to keep our family together, close and that I want Tyler to enjoy her senior year and I hope this will pull our family (children, grandchildren) back together.
And I asked my mother to allow me to do what I can do during the healing process. My mother told me I was her "Rock"...that's a tall order to fill. Dani told me today, that I was the rock of this family...I love my family, they are all very important to me. I don't know about the rock, but the love is what binds me to them...it's really just that simple.
We spent the rest of day shopping for nothing and everything. We helped Tyler finish her homecoming shopping. Tyler called Breyend to let her know what was discussed. That did my heart good to see them interacting and caring for each other. I spoke with Breyen and Tyler had explained it so well, that there really wasn't anything left to tell. Friends and family were calling all day for the update. I tried to get back to everyone, but forgive me if I missed someone. I think I upset Chris because it took so long for me to call her. We were just spending time, bonding and tyring to feel whole.
Tyler and I discussed how she felt about everything, she's good with her. To her a breast is a small thing to loose if it keeps me here. I talked to Breyen tonight, I think she 's afraid but trying to be strong for me. She's more worried about how I feel. Today was exhausting mentally but it did give me some relief. I coutinue to pray and keep my faith in God as we move forward in this tedious proccess.
According to Dr. Krause it will take about two weeks to coordinate everything and get the surgery scheduled. We have to coordinate his schedule along with the plastic surgeon and the hospital OR. In addition I will have to have blood work done and find an oncologist after the surgery. He has given me recommendations for all. In the meantime, the DNC is scheduled for Oct. 9, pray that it is negative and does not show any cancerous cells.
Well Joann, I may get that boob job after all ...LOL!
And so it begins.....
The plan was for Breyen, Tyler, Mom, Babysister and me to ride the train downtown to the Dr.'s office. Breyen decided not to go with us when she got up this morning. She decided to go to school instead. I am okay with that because I want her to get through this the way that she needs to get through it. Katrina and Ferlando met us downtown. Funny how things work out, when we arrived we found that the doctor was not expecting us. I made the appointment a week ago. His receptionist Polly told me Sept 24 @ 10 AM unless she called back to say something different. Well we got lucky because the Dr. was in and not in surgery as he often is on Thurs. mornings.
The Dr. brought us into the exam room and with a visual of the breast explained what I'm facing. The recommendation with this type of caner is mastectomy because the lobular cancer grows in clusters throughout the breast. So I would loose the right breast all together. The left breast is fine. The doctor also recommended that I go for immediate reconstruction. I have four options 1) take tissue from the buttocks, 2) take tissue for the back, 3) take tissue from the tummy or 4) breast implants. I can't remember what was said regarding my receptors but any way they are HER2 which is easier to treat and may not require chemo. However, during surgery blue dye will be injected into the lymp nodes, if cancer is found they will remove them and chemo will be required. This is a mere summary of the information we were overwhelmed with today. Too much to give you more at this time, I'm too exhausted.
My sister cried even more, my mother was pretty calm, my nephew asked a lot of questions, my aunt was assured and reminded me "How good God is", and Tyler, well she was quiet and reflective. We took some time after meeting with the doctor to discuss what's to come and we prayed together right there in the waiting area in the dotocr's office. It was awesome and I came away feeling relieved. We discussed what I want done and how and for that I am grateful. I told them how important it is for us to keep our family together, close and that I want Tyler to enjoy her senior year and I hope this will pull our family (children, grandchildren) back together.
And I asked my mother to allow me to do what I can do during the healing process. My mother told me I was her "Rock"...that's a tall order to fill. Dani told me today, that I was the rock of this family...I love my family, they are all very important to me. I don't know about the rock, but the love is what binds me to them...it's really just that simple.
We spent the rest of day shopping for nothing and everything. We helped Tyler finish her homecoming shopping. Tyler called Breyend to let her know what was discussed. That did my heart good to see them interacting and caring for each other. I spoke with Breyen and Tyler had explained it so well, that there really wasn't anything left to tell. Friends and family were calling all day for the update. I tried to get back to everyone, but forgive me if I missed someone. I think I upset Chris because it took so long for me to call her. We were just spending time, bonding and tyring to feel whole.
Tyler and I discussed how she felt about everything, she's good with her. To her a breast is a small thing to loose if it keeps me here. I talked to Breyen tonight, I think she 's afraid but trying to be strong for me. She's more worried about how I feel. Today was exhausting mentally but it did give me some relief. I coutinue to pray and keep my faith in God as we move forward in this tedious proccess.
According to Dr. Krause it will take about two weeks to coordinate everything and get the surgery scheduled. We have to coordinate his schedule along with the plastic surgeon and the hospital OR. In addition I will have to have blood work done and find an oncologist after the surgery. He has given me recommendations for all. In the meantime, the DNC is scheduled for Oct. 9, pray that it is negative and does not show any cancerous cells.
Well Joann, I may get that boob job after all ...LOL!
And so it begins.....
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
This Place
This place and time in my life doesn't match my dreams. I was working and planning on being an empty nester. I was getting out doing more social things with friends, working out, playing golf, making changes in my home and enjoying being in my home. I was hoping that Breyen would get herself together get into school get her education and become the intelligent well rounded young women that I raised. I'm looking forward to Tyler going to school, running track and maybe one day participating in the Olympics.
This is a strange place. I hope and pray that both the girls will go on with their lives and that this cancer thing doesn't slow them down. When I woke up this morning, this place felt pretty good. I am assured that God will heal me. Then I went to the doctor today to have a biospy of the uterus and doctor couldn't get past the cervix. He did tell me that one cancer can lead to another. Well as Cousin Georgia said "The devil is a lie". I believe that. The next step now is a type of DNC, that may come before the surgery for my breast. This is a strange place, there is light and there's darkness. I sure wish I could see what's beyond this place.
I picked up the result of the MRI today. Even without the definition all of the medical terminology, it's easy to understand that the report is not pretty...but cancer is caner. The left breast is full of cysts. The right breast is full of cysts along with the cancer and mass at six to seven o'ocloc, essentially all of the breast is cancereus..(bye bye right breast). Can I keep the left one....doubtful the MRI saids it's full of cysts, hetergenous so who knows. I will learn more from the doctor tomorrow.
I read an article today in Women's magazine where Robin Roberts shares her experience with breast cancer. She has been in this place...she gets it. On the other side of this place is a new place that she is still trying to define. It was funny reading her article, was like reading my own thoughts.
There is a better place than this place!!
This is a strange place. I hope and pray that both the girls will go on with their lives and that this cancer thing doesn't slow them down. When I woke up this morning, this place felt pretty good. I am assured that God will heal me. Then I went to the doctor today to have a biospy of the uterus and doctor couldn't get past the cervix. He did tell me that one cancer can lead to another. Well as Cousin Georgia said "The devil is a lie". I believe that. The next step now is a type of DNC, that may come before the surgery for my breast. This is a strange place, there is light and there's darkness. I sure wish I could see what's beyond this place.
I picked up the result of the MRI today. Even without the definition all of the medical terminology, it's easy to understand that the report is not pretty...but cancer is caner. The left breast is full of cysts. The right breast is full of cysts along with the cancer and mass at six to seven o'ocloc, essentially all of the breast is cancereus..(bye bye right breast). Can I keep the left one....doubtful the MRI saids it's full of cysts, hetergenous so who knows. I will learn more from the doctor tomorrow.
I read an article today in Women's magazine where Robin Roberts shares her experience with breast cancer. She has been in this place...she gets it. On the other side of this place is a new place that she is still trying to define. It was funny reading her article, was like reading my own thoughts.
There is a better place than this place!!
Out Pouring of Love
Love is strong and powerful. My family and friends have extended so much love, it keeps me lifted. Everyone has added me to their prayer list and offered to help with anything that I need, even painting my toe nails (Big Smile).
I continue to have faith in God for my healing. So many of my family and friends have shared that faith with me as well. I am on prayer lists everywhere! I have prayed all myself, I have prayed with friends and family, both on the phone and in person. God is a good God, he continues to bless me. I am so thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life.
Tira called me, she was afraid to mentioned breast cancer, so she talked to me like we always talk and shared a lesson with me that she learned when another friend who had breast cancer. Felicia prayed with me on the phone, her prayer was so powerful and My aunt Sarah is full with the Word and shares with me when we talk.....it is just awesome. My cousin Laura put it simply keep your faith in the lord. JoAnne reminds me that we serve an awesome God, together we saw his work before our eyes, God is truly amazing. My mother said "my healing is done" , God said so! Cousin Rhonda prayed with and offered wonderful consoling words. Clara listened and determined what she needed to pray for as she added me to her prayer list. Ann let me know that she too believed God would see me through and offered to do whatever I needed. The outpour of love is so wonderful and I am so thankful. I continue to keep all of my family and friends in my prayers as well as we each have our own trials and afflictions. My heart is overwhelmed but glad. I thank God for all of you.
Heavenly Father, I attend to your Word. I incline my eaqrs to your sayings. I will not let them depart from my eyes.. I keep them in the midst of my heart, for they are life and healing to all my flesh. (Prov. 4:20-22).
I continue to have faith in God for my healing. So many of my family and friends have shared that faith with me as well. I am on prayer lists everywhere! I have prayed all myself, I have prayed with friends and family, both on the phone and in person. God is a good God, he continues to bless me. I am so thankful for all of the wonderful people in my life.
Tira called me, she was afraid to mentioned breast cancer, so she talked to me like we always talk and shared a lesson with me that she learned when another friend who had breast cancer. Felicia prayed with me on the phone, her prayer was so powerful and My aunt Sarah is full with the Word and shares with me when we talk.....it is just awesome. My cousin Laura put it simply keep your faith in the lord. JoAnne reminds me that we serve an awesome God, together we saw his work before our eyes, God is truly amazing. My mother said "my healing is done" , God said so! Cousin Rhonda prayed with and offered wonderful consoling words. Clara listened and determined what she needed to pray for as she added me to her prayer list. Ann let me know that she too believed God would see me through and offered to do whatever I needed. The outpour of love is so wonderful and I am so thankful. I continue to keep all of my family and friends in my prayers as well as we each have our own trials and afflictions. My heart is overwhelmed but glad. I thank God for all of you.
Heavenly Father, I attend to your Word. I incline my eaqrs to your sayings. I will not let them depart from my eyes.. I keep them in the midst of my heart, for they are life and healing to all my flesh. (Prov. 4:20-22).
Monday, September 22, 2008
The ]MRI
The MRI was done at Ingalls Hospital this morning. The appointment was scheduled for 10:00 AM. They were running late so we got started around 10:45 AM. Mom went with me. She sat in the room with me while they did the MRI. I tried to convince her that she didn't need to do that, but she was worried that I would have problem with the dye that is run through the veins because she had a problem some time ago when she had an MRI. She said she felt like she died on the table. So, she sat.
To begin the process I got undressed from the waist up. I had to take off all jewelry and my ponytail holder. The Tech (Carol) then started a saline IV. I then went into the room where the maching for the MRI was located. I had to lay on my stomach and place my breast in two holes in the table. Then I was slide into the machine kind of like a tunel. I was actually very comfortable. I had taken some allergy medication the night before because my allergies have been bad and I have that dreadful cough again. For those of you who been around me for awhile, you know that cough! Anyway, I almost slept during the scanning. It took about an half hour.
The oncology nurse (Lisa) paid me a visit afterwards and answsered our questions. She was really nice. Mom asked about brain cancer because a article given to my sister by her doctor indicated that when diagnosed with breast cancer, women should be checked for brain cancer as well. Lisa said that is not a concern right now at least for me. We'll talk to Dr. Krause abou tall of that on Thursday. I also spoke to another nurse who informed me of a clinical trial that I could participate in...I'll think on it.
I spent the rest of the day playing golf and working out! I have received lots of calls and prayers and I am truly thankful! You are all so wonderful.
Stay tuned for an "OUTPOURING OF LOVE"
To begin the process I got undressed from the waist up. I had to take off all jewelry and my ponytail holder. The Tech (Carol) then started a saline IV. I then went into the room where the maching for the MRI was located. I had to lay on my stomach and place my breast in two holes in the table. Then I was slide into the machine kind of like a tunel. I was actually very comfortable. I had taken some allergy medication the night before because my allergies have been bad and I have that dreadful cough again. For those of you who been around me for awhile, you know that cough! Anyway, I almost slept during the scanning. It took about an half hour.
The oncology nurse (Lisa) paid me a visit afterwards and answsered our questions. She was really nice. Mom asked about brain cancer because a article given to my sister by her doctor indicated that when diagnosed with breast cancer, women should be checked for brain cancer as well. Lisa said that is not a concern right now at least for me. We'll talk to Dr. Krause abou tall of that on Thursday. I also spoke to another nurse who informed me of a clinical trial that I could participate in...I'll think on it.
I spent the rest of the day playing golf and working out! I have received lots of calls and prayers and I am truly thankful! You are all so wonderful.
Stay tuned for an "OUTPOURING OF LOVE"
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Waiting for the MRI
As I wait for the time to come to have the MRI, I wonder why I'm waiting so long. I'm just anxious I guest. But why be in a hurry? Having knowledge of what's to come in some ways is comforting in other ways it's scary.
I have began researching lobular breast cancer. This type of cancer is only seen in 10 - 15% of all breast cancer cases. My doctor told me that it is a slow moving cancer which is a good thing. However, the research I've done does not change the treatment. It is recommended that patient's with this type of cancer have a masectomy and this type of cancer usually shows up in both breast if not now then later. That's just great! The cancer is prompted by hormonal changes in the body. My hormones have been off the chain this year. I have hot flashes that feel like I've being baked like the Thanksgiving Turkey. And for a period of time I was having night sweats that leave my night clothes so wet, I can ring water out. I have to get up change PJ's and bed clothes,... no fun! Then as many of you know, I'm cold natured and when the hot flashes and night sweats pass I'm cold. Sometimes I get a period and sometimes not. I can't remember sh*t and my patience is out the window.
So, cancer prompted by hormonal changes, hmmm, and here I thought I was doing something when I told the doctor I did not want to take HRT (Hormone Replacement Thearpy) because I d did not want to increase my risk of cancer. Well so much for that theory, huh! So, it looks like I loose a breast and will be sentenced to taking some type of medication to prevent recurrence for the next five years. Oh by the way this type of cancer has a 87% survival rate...more good news! I just need to be in that percentage. Well as cousin Roxanne said " better to loose a body part than loose your life. "
I research edthe reconstruction of a breast which I[m thinking as long as my prognosis is good, I plan to opt for reconstruction. My friend JoAnne told me that I could get a boob job out of all of this and I just may be able to hold up a sweater when it's all done. That puts a smile on my face! Litterally. To get a new titty as Tyler calls them, one can have a tummy tuck, skin removed from the back or from the buttocks...they need the skin from those areas to rebuild the breast.
Trust me yall it ain't pretty, and you don't even get a nipple. You have to have a separate surgery for that. This cancer thing is complicated, involved, depressing, scary, no fun and just down right nerve racking!
Have I asked "why me?", sure but just for a fleeting moment. Why not me, I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone else. My faith is strong, and I am asking God for healing. Jesus died for me so it is already done! Amen.
Father because of your Word, I am overcometh, I overcome the world, the flesh, and the devil, by the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony. (1 John 4:4, Rev 12:11)
Well the MRI is tomorrow September 22, 2008 at 10 AM. Mom is going with me. I plan to to work out after the MRI...gotta keep those endorphins flowing. Mom won't be happy about it. She treats me like I'm already on my way out, but I'm going to keep doing me as long as I can and Mom will have to find a comfortable place for that. I'm sure she will worry herself into a nervous ball during the MRI but it would be worse if she were not there. So we will go tomorrow to get pictures of the cancer for the doctor. Just keep me in your prayers.
Ladies, make sure you check your breast!
Holla Yall, I will share finding the "lump" with you next time.
I have began researching lobular breast cancer. This type of cancer is only seen in 10 - 15% of all breast cancer cases. My doctor told me that it is a slow moving cancer which is a good thing. However, the research I've done does not change the treatment. It is recommended that patient's with this type of cancer have a masectomy and this type of cancer usually shows up in both breast if not now then later. That's just great! The cancer is prompted by hormonal changes in the body. My hormones have been off the chain this year. I have hot flashes that feel like I've being baked like the Thanksgiving Turkey. And for a period of time I was having night sweats that leave my night clothes so wet, I can ring water out. I have to get up change PJ's and bed clothes,... no fun! Then as many of you know, I'm cold natured and when the hot flashes and night sweats pass I'm cold. Sometimes I get a period and sometimes not. I can't remember sh*t and my patience is out the window.
So, cancer prompted by hormonal changes, hmmm, and here I thought I was doing something when I told the doctor I did not want to take HRT (Hormone Replacement Thearpy) because I d did not want to increase my risk of cancer. Well so much for that theory, huh! So, it looks like I loose a breast and will be sentenced to taking some type of medication to prevent recurrence for the next five years. Oh by the way this type of cancer has a 87% survival rate...more good news! I just need to be in that percentage. Well as cousin Roxanne said " better to loose a body part than loose your life. "
I research edthe reconstruction of a breast which I[m thinking as long as my prognosis is good, I plan to opt for reconstruction. My friend JoAnne told me that I could get a boob job out of all of this and I just may be able to hold up a sweater when it's all done. That puts a smile on my face! Litterally. To get a new titty as Tyler calls them, one can have a tummy tuck, skin removed from the back or from the buttocks...they need the skin from those areas to rebuild the breast.
Trust me yall it ain't pretty, and you don't even get a nipple. You have to have a separate surgery for that. This cancer thing is complicated, involved, depressing, scary, no fun and just down right nerve racking!
Have I asked "why me?", sure but just for a fleeting moment. Why not me, I certainly wouldn't wish it on anyone else. My faith is strong, and I am asking God for healing. Jesus died for me so it is already done! Amen.
Father because of your Word, I am overcometh, I overcome the world, the flesh, and the devil, by the blood of the lamb and the word of my testimony. (1 John 4:4, Rev 12:11)
Well the MRI is tomorrow September 22, 2008 at 10 AM. Mom is going with me. I plan to to work out after the MRI...gotta keep those endorphins flowing. Mom won't be happy about it. She treats me like I'm already on my way out, but I'm going to keep doing me as long as I can and Mom will have to find a comfortable place for that. I'm sure she will worry herself into a nervous ball during the MRI but it would be worse if she were not there. So we will go tomorrow to get pictures of the cancer for the doctor. Just keep me in your prayers.
Ladies, make sure you check your breast!
Holla Yall, I will share finding the "lump" with you next time.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
A Mother's Love
My doctor told me he was going to have his office call me to schedule an MRI later in the day. I waited anxiously for the call but it never came. On Friday (9/12/2008) I called the doctor's office to see why they had not called to scheduled the MRI. The young lady I spoke to, I believe her name was Kendra, told me that she was swamped with about 10 or 12 cases where she was trying to get approval from the insuance company and that my insurance (BCBS) had denied the MRI. I told Kendra that I would have appreciated it if she would have called to let me know something and that the silence was very unnerving. Kendra took offense. I patiently listened to her again tell me how busy she was. I told her that I understood, however, I was sure that the other 10 or 11 cases as well as myself would appreciate hearing something, as it is scary enough being told that you have cancer. I asked if there was anything I could do, such as calling the insurance company because as far as I knew I did not need approval to have an MRI done. Kendra explained that she sometimes can stay on the phone with an insurance company for half an hour. She further explained that the BCBS doctor want to speak with my Dr. Kendra said I've seen Dr. Krause get on the phone and get these things done in 2 minutes where it takes her 30 minutes.
I told my Mother that MRI was not scheduled because insurance refused to pay for the procedure. My mother went into that magical Mommy mode. She said she would sale her house to pay for the MRI. I told her she is to hold on to her home because the economy is too shaky and further we would just wait until Monday. My mother was on ten...."wait for what", just schedule the MRI we'll figure out a way to get it paid. All of this and we didn't even know the cost of the MRI. My sister and I convinced her to wait, we would see what the Insurance company had to say on Monday.
The next thing I knew Mom had gone to the grocery store, put food in my refrigerator and starting preparing meals. Well as I share with you in my first blog, I don't want my mother to have to take care of me. I realize I will need her care, but I asked her to wait until I got to a point where I could not do for myself. I further explained to her that doing these things for me now even before I had detailed information from the MRI and the doctor was pre mature and made me feel like she was writing off...preparing for my last days. I told her that it made me feel weak and that I needed to remain strong. In reality, I know that most days she does not feel well and I don't want to be burden. She told me that it was not burden and that she wanted to cook and spend time bonding with girls and she wanted to surprise me the meal. I thanked her and told her I did not want her spending her money as she is on a fixed income and for now I can do this. I told her I want and expect her to help me but I'm not ready for that right now. I told her I feel find, it's just that I now know that I have breast cancer. The emotions in this conversation are difficult to express here, but I can tell you that I know that I hurt my mother deeply. When I couldn't express my feeling with enough love to make her understand I ended the converation in a bad way and my Mom left in tears. .
I retreated to my room and began to pray. I asked God for forgiveness for hurting my Mom so, yet God knows what's in my heart. I love my mother and I thank God for her, she has been a blessing in my life, but I just need to do it this way for now. I called my mother later to ap0logize and to let her know home much I love and appreciate her. I Know she's still hurt and for that I'm sorry. As my cousin Gwen said "cancer" is a scary word. I pray for forgiveness and will look inside myself to communicate better and have patience....she is after all a mother, most importantly my mother and I know that she loves me and cares for me. I do need her to understand that doing for me while I can do for me is my way of strengthing my core and preparing myself for what's to come. My mother will probably never see this blog as she is not computer savvy, but I will continue to tell her how much I love her.
A mother, my mother is an awesome gift from God! I continue to pray for healing.
I Love you mom!
The MRI is scheduled for Monday, Sept. 22, 2008
Waiting for the MRI...
I told my Mother that MRI was not scheduled because insurance refused to pay for the procedure. My mother went into that magical Mommy mode. She said she would sale her house to pay for the MRI. I told her she is to hold on to her home because the economy is too shaky and further we would just wait until Monday. My mother was on ten...."wait for what", just schedule the MRI we'll figure out a way to get it paid. All of this and we didn't even know the cost of the MRI. My sister and I convinced her to wait, we would see what the Insurance company had to say on Monday.
The next thing I knew Mom had gone to the grocery store, put food in my refrigerator and starting preparing meals. Well as I share with you in my first blog, I don't want my mother to have to take care of me. I realize I will need her care, but I asked her to wait until I got to a point where I could not do for myself. I further explained to her that doing these things for me now even before I had detailed information from the MRI and the doctor was pre mature and made me feel like she was writing off...preparing for my last days. I told her that it made me feel weak and that I needed to remain strong. In reality, I know that most days she does not feel well and I don't want to be burden. She told me that it was not burden and that she wanted to cook and spend time bonding with girls and she wanted to surprise me the meal. I thanked her and told her I did not want her spending her money as she is on a fixed income and for now I can do this. I told her I want and expect her to help me but I'm not ready for that right now. I told her I feel find, it's just that I now know that I have breast cancer. The emotions in this conversation are difficult to express here, but I can tell you that I know that I hurt my mother deeply. When I couldn't express my feeling with enough love to make her understand I ended the converation in a bad way and my Mom left in tears. .
I retreated to my room and began to pray. I asked God for forgiveness for hurting my Mom so, yet God knows what's in my heart. I love my mother and I thank God for her, she has been a blessing in my life, but I just need to do it this way for now. I called my mother later to ap0logize and to let her know home much I love and appreciate her. I Know she's still hurt and for that I'm sorry. As my cousin Gwen said "cancer" is a scary word. I pray for forgiveness and will look inside myself to communicate better and have patience....she is after all a mother, most importantly my mother and I know that she loves me and cares for me. I do need her to understand that doing for me while I can do for me is my way of strengthing my core and preparing myself for what's to come. My mother will probably never see this blog as she is not computer savvy, but I will continue to tell her how much I love her.
A mother, my mother is an awesome gift from God! I continue to pray for healing.
I Love you mom!
The MRI is scheduled for Monday, Sept. 22, 2008
Waiting for the MRI...
Friday, September 19, 2008
Revelation
Revelation is the act of revealing or disclosing
I have decided to create this blog for my family and friends to journey with me into my experience with breast cancer. It will also provide me a way to communicate with you if time does not permit me to call or you to call me.
On September 11, 2008 (9/11) my doctor called to tell me that my biospy from two days before, unfortunately indicated cancer (lobular cancer). I was shocked. I knew all the time that there was a possibility for cancer, but because I had such a positive attitude about it, I was sure the doctor was going to indicate that the biospy would be negative.
I called my mother right away to let her know the results. She expressed her concern and told me she was sorry. I don't want my mother to see me die and I don't want her to have to take care of me. She's done enough of that with her brother, sister-in-law and mother. I know she will try so I pray for a quick recovery and healing. The the phone rang, it was my sister. My mother had called her. The phone rang again, this time it was my aunt "Baby Sister". She sounded very upset and let me know that God was going to take care of me and heal me. I told her that I knew God would take care of me and that things would be ok. The next thing I knew my mother was at my door. I said what are you doing here...she gave me a tight hug. I told her I was going to be fine. We shed a few silent tears. I was determined to go on with my life as usual until I just couldn't. So I left my Mom and went to the health club to work out with my friend and personal trainer, Chris Klimzac. When I returned home, my mother came back to the house. I asked her what she was doing back at the house. Of course she was worried about me. I told Tyler when I came back to the house and she cried. It hurt my heart to see her cry. I told her that it was very important that she continue on with her plans and having fun in her senior year of highschool. Later I left Mom at the house with Tyler and went to work at the Healthclub. I was very worried about my mother, I do not want her to watch another child die, so I prayed and asked God to let all be well. Breyen came by the club before going off for the weekend with her friends. I told her as well. She hugged me and told me that everything will be okay and off she went with her friends. It bothered me a bit that she didn't stick around, but I had to remind myself that I was not having a pity party and I want life as usual as much as possible and for as long as possible.
My nephew called me and we had a conversation about the diagnois. He told me that my sister was a mess and had been calling all evening. I thought to call her but decided not to, thinking that she needed time to get used to the idea. I consoled Ferlando and he said "it's just like you Tee to be going through something yet consoling everyone else." Little did he know that I was consoling myself in the process. I think he has decided to live with Grandma so he can be around to help me. I sent Annie and Darlene an e-mail. Annie called, reminded that both her sister and her Mom went through it and that she was here for support and would keep me in her prayers. Darlene couldn't get to e-mail so Annie told her and she was pretty broken up. Later when I talked to Darlene she asked me if I wanted to get drunk...that made me laugh, it was pretty funny since she doesn't drink!
I decided to tell my friends about the diagnois before I was no longer strong enough to get the words out. I told PeeWee, she was quiet for a minute and then shared some optimistic words and silently shouted out love for me. I shed some tears during the silence, because the pain was so acute. I don't want to leave my friend. I told Chris when I went to work out and shared the news with her...I hated to do it because she lost a sister to cancer and it was like opening an old would. I told her all was going to well all the time wondering "is it going to be well? I told Angie and she began to pray and expressed anxious feelings because she is not close enough to come home to be with me. I told Shanita and she cried like a baby. She said, "Tee you have been my life long friend and I don't want to loose you. I cried with her and told her that I am going to continue to be her life long friend" . I told JoAnne and she was in shock, she said you were suppose to tell me to sit down before you delivered that message. She reminded that we serve a good God. We cried together. Then she said well maybe you can get a boob job out all of this and you will be able to hold up a sweater. We had a good laugh with that one. I told Vanessa and she was shocked as well. She told me others have gone through it and I would be okay. I told Maria and she was shocked and sorrowful. She said we're going through but we will be okay. God I have a lot of good friends. I told Roxanne, I didn't give her much of a chance to respond, but told her I would keep her up to date with things. I called Clara and Ann but we haven't spoken yet. I told Louis too, he told me to let him know if I needed anything (we'll see). I'm tired now of telling people but I keep telling people hoping that it will make me strong. Somebody told me (I don't remember who) that breast cancer was like the common cold, people get over it....
I'm trying to find a place in my mind, my heart and sould to deal with this. I'm scared, but my faith in God keeps me strong.
I'll catch you all of on the next posting. Too much to share at once since I decided to start this eight days after finding out.
Stay tuned... the next blog will be about the trouble I have encountered getting the MRI scheduled. Love you all
Annette
I have decided to create this blog for my family and friends to journey with me into my experience with breast cancer. It will also provide me a way to communicate with you if time does not permit me to call or you to call me.
On September 11, 2008 (9/11) my doctor called to tell me that my biospy from two days before, unfortunately indicated cancer (lobular cancer). I was shocked. I knew all the time that there was a possibility for cancer, but because I had such a positive attitude about it, I was sure the doctor was going to indicate that the biospy would be negative.
I called my mother right away to let her know the results. She expressed her concern and told me she was sorry. I don't want my mother to see me die and I don't want her to have to take care of me. She's done enough of that with her brother, sister-in-law and mother. I know she will try so I pray for a quick recovery and healing. The the phone rang, it was my sister. My mother had called her. The phone rang again, this time it was my aunt "Baby Sister". She sounded very upset and let me know that God was going to take care of me and heal me. I told her that I knew God would take care of me and that things would be ok. The next thing I knew my mother was at my door. I said what are you doing here...she gave me a tight hug. I told her I was going to be fine. We shed a few silent tears. I was determined to go on with my life as usual until I just couldn't. So I left my Mom and went to the health club to work out with my friend and personal trainer, Chris Klimzac. When I returned home, my mother came back to the house. I asked her what she was doing back at the house. Of course she was worried about me. I told Tyler when I came back to the house and she cried. It hurt my heart to see her cry. I told her that it was very important that she continue on with her plans and having fun in her senior year of highschool. Later I left Mom at the house with Tyler and went to work at the Healthclub. I was very worried about my mother, I do not want her to watch another child die, so I prayed and asked God to let all be well. Breyen came by the club before going off for the weekend with her friends. I told her as well. She hugged me and told me that everything will be okay and off she went with her friends. It bothered me a bit that she didn't stick around, but I had to remind myself that I was not having a pity party and I want life as usual as much as possible and for as long as possible.
My nephew called me and we had a conversation about the diagnois. He told me that my sister was a mess and had been calling all evening. I thought to call her but decided not to, thinking that she needed time to get used to the idea. I consoled Ferlando and he said "it's just like you Tee to be going through something yet consoling everyone else." Little did he know that I was consoling myself in the process. I think he has decided to live with Grandma so he can be around to help me. I sent Annie and Darlene an e-mail. Annie called, reminded that both her sister and her Mom went through it and that she was here for support and would keep me in her prayers. Darlene couldn't get to e-mail so Annie told her and she was pretty broken up. Later when I talked to Darlene she asked me if I wanted to get drunk...that made me laugh, it was pretty funny since she doesn't drink!
I decided to tell my friends about the diagnois before I was no longer strong enough to get the words out. I told PeeWee, she was quiet for a minute and then shared some optimistic words and silently shouted out love for me. I shed some tears during the silence, because the pain was so acute. I don't want to leave my friend. I told Chris when I went to work out and shared the news with her...I hated to do it because she lost a sister to cancer and it was like opening an old would. I told her all was going to well all the time wondering "is it going to be well? I told Angie and she began to pray and expressed anxious feelings because she is not close enough to come home to be with me. I told Shanita and she cried like a baby. She said, "Tee you have been my life long friend and I don't want to loose you. I cried with her and told her that I am going to continue to be her life long friend" . I told JoAnne and she was in shock, she said you were suppose to tell me to sit down before you delivered that message. She reminded that we serve a good God. We cried together. Then she said well maybe you can get a boob job out all of this and you will be able to hold up a sweater. We had a good laugh with that one. I told Vanessa and she was shocked as well. She told me others have gone through it and I would be okay. I told Maria and she was shocked and sorrowful. She said we're going through but we will be okay. God I have a lot of good friends. I told Roxanne, I didn't give her much of a chance to respond, but told her I would keep her up to date with things. I called Clara and Ann but we haven't spoken yet. I told Louis too, he told me to let him know if I needed anything (we'll see). I'm tired now of telling people but I keep telling people hoping that it will make me strong. Somebody told me (I don't remember who) that breast cancer was like the common cold, people get over it....
I'm trying to find a place in my mind, my heart and sould to deal with this. I'm scared, but my faith in God keeps me strong.
I'll catch you all of on the next posting. Too much to share at once since I decided to start this eight days after finding out.
Stay tuned... the next blog will be about the trouble I have encountered getting the MRI scheduled. Love you all
Annette
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