Today was a good day. Darlene called early and we talked for awhile. She assured me that I was not loosing her. I told her I better not! I talked to Angie for about an hour. There was something frantic in her
I washed my hair and went out to lunch with Chris. She is so sweet. She gave me a very touching card. It made .me want to cry but I didn't. She also gave me a book called "When Bad Things Happen to Good People " along with some Ghiradelli chocolate which I will take to the hospital with me. I know I can't eat it before surgery but when I wake up it will be there to entice me! Mom came over just as I was showing Chris the house. Mom started cleaning the house, although there isn't much to clean. I went to my room and let her clean. I guess this is her way of handling things. While she was cleaning I made some calls and took care of some business.
I got a call from the Eye Dr. indicating that my glasses were ready so Tyler and I went to pick them up. It's nice to have them before surgery because I'm sure I won't be able to put my contacts in for a while. I've had the same glasses since the late eighties, so this will definitely be a new look. Tyler saids she likes the old glasses better. However, I realized that she has seen me in the same glasses her entire life, so I guess the change really looks strange to her.
Ferlando promised to keep me in the loop with his Dad and his journey with cancer. He has done just that. He told me how clear his Dad's thoughts have been. I can relate because sometimes I have such clarity that I have to cloud it with something. It sounds like his Dad is doing as well as can be expected. I know all of this is hard on Ferlando. I hope that he will take care of his Dad and not wear himself out trying to be there for both of us. Even if he is not with me physically, I know where his heart is. I pray that God takes care of Jimmy and help Ferlando as he travels the cancer journey with his father.
I've gotten calls from friends and family all day today wishing me well and praying for me. I thank every one for the well wishes and prayers.
I am amazed, it's one day before and I still have peace. I'm not scared, I get a little anxious at times esp. when people around me get anxious or loud. As long as I stay quiet, I'm good. I've had tears come to my eyes as people pray with me. I brought my Mom a card that I plan to give to her in the morning. I hope it encourages her takes her fear away.
I spoke to Dr. Krause and the nurse in the other surgeons office today, they are ready to go. Mom has the pain and nausea medication in her purse. I missed the call from the hospital today, but messages were left. Mom, Babysister and I will leave at 6 Am tomorrow. We will go see the plastic surgeon and then go on to the hospital. So, tomorrow is the big day.
Tyler is braiding my hair and as I sit here I think, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow to have my breast removed. I can't follow that train of thought, nothing rational about that right....oh well it is what it is Tyler asked me how I felt about the surgery. I told her I'm okay. Then I asked her the same question. She said she is not so worry about the surgery, she's more worried about the results. I continue to pray that there will be no cancer in the lymp nodes and no need for chemo or radiation.
I probably won't blog for a few days, but as soon as I'm able I will share with you the actual healing! I should be home by Saturday.
Shanita just got here. She drove in from Iowa City. She will go to the hospital tomrrow.
Tomorrow is the day!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Two Days to Go
Yesterday was such a good day. Today was a tough day. I got up and headed off to the doctor. I had to go downtown and I was running a little late. I was suppose to be at the Dr. at 9:15. I left the house at 8:57. I actually pulled into the parking lot at the Dr.'s office at 9:33. Yeah, I was moving. Well the doctor said I have a irritated rotator cuff. Usaually it would be no big deal, but because of the mastsectomy there could be problems...frozen shoulder or capsular something. Treatment consists of steroids shots to the shoulder and physical thearpy. The problem is that the mastsectomy recovery requires no movement or little movement of the arms. Not moving the rotator cuff could cause frozen shoulder. However, the Dr. says follow recovery directions for the Mastsectomy, we will work with the shoulder later. Not, so bad, I guess, I just have to pray that the shoulder holds up.
When I got home, Mom came by. That visit didn't go well. She left mad, frustrated and hurt. She was attempting to look for Shawna's number to ask her to come out to braid my hair. I kept telling her I have Shawna's number. She wasn't hearing me so I had to say I don't want you to call Shawna. She said she was just trying to help. I told her I understand her trying to help and I need her help, I just didn't want her to call Shawna. She thought she heard me say that I wanted Shawna to braid my hair. When in fact I just made a general comment about Shawna braiding my hair when Mom told me she was off today. Mom left mad, frustrated and teary eyed, saying "I can never do anything right" . In hind sight it seems very small and trivial. Somehow we keep having these encounters about help. I told her I am going to need her help...I don't know I don't have any answers and I'm too tired and too overwhelmed to figure it out. God is trying to tell me something I'm sure, I just have figured out what yet. I will pray for understanding.
When Tyler came home from school today, she received her first acceptance letter to college. She was accepted to Arizona State University. I put a damper on that by saying, "it has no money attached". That hurt Tyler's feelings and took away her joy. It was not my intent to upset her. I apologized and congratulated her. Louis stopped by to congratulate her as well. Tyler was in tears because she said she was overwhelemed. She just didn't know what to do. I keep telling her she is selling herself short, thinking she is not good enough to do what she wants to do. Then she saids she doesn't know where she wants to go to college, she just doesn't want to go in the the midwest. She she didn't know what to do and everytime she asks me I don't help her. I thought I had helped. We've sat down a few times to work on applications, NCAA clearing house registration and narrowing down her college choices. Shame on me for thinking I had given her enough leads to move forward. It's hard for me to comprehend as I did not have anyone to help me with college applications or applying for financial aid or scholarships. So Louis and I set at the kitchen table and wrote her atlethic bio for her to send to college coaches. She sat and watched us and did not contribute or have any input. Maybe now she will move forwardI thought we had narrowed her college choices down, but she just want to continue applying to different colleges with no real ryhme or reason. She knows she wants sports medicine, but not where. I am so frustrated, I've talked and talked, eplained the process, the expectations and told her the sooner she gets this done the better. She also let me know that she only saw one essay that she can write for scholarships that I referred her to and that she didn't know how to use fastweb. She puts so much energy to socializing, I don't know why I can't get her to put the same enery into her future. Right now it's just too much! After surgery we'll work on it some more maybe I'll get it right.
I talked to Angie today. She asked me if I was scared. I told her no, I'm not scared, atleast not yet. I do think that I should be scared, but so far not so. It may hit me when I get to the hospital.
My heart goes out to Ferlando, he's trying to be here for me and now he's trying to divide himself between me and his father. I pray that he can stay strong while fulfilling his need to help me, his father and keep up with his studies.
Mel came by and picked me up tonight. She took me out to dinner. We met Tammy at MiMi's Cafe. It was right on time as things have not been going well today. God is always right on time. We had a good time at dinner, talking girl talk and eating good food. It was just nice to get out, have some fun and no pressure! We even took pictures at the restaurant. Mel gave me a beautiful card, so the day did get better.
When I got home from the restaurant tonight. Breyen came to my room and told me she wanted me to know that she does care and she loves me. She said she was just hurt and confused. When I asked her what she was confused about, she told me she just didn't understand why this was happening to me. I told her there is no "why" it's just what it is. She said she wants me to know that she loves me, she does care and that she is going to be here for me. She gave me hug and I thanked her for letting me know how she feels. That was the best part of the day.
When I got home, Mom came by. That visit didn't go well. She left mad, frustrated and hurt. She was attempting to look for Shawna's number to ask her to come out to braid my hair. I kept telling her I have Shawna's number. She wasn't hearing me so I had to say I don't want you to call Shawna. She said she was just trying to help. I told her I understand her trying to help and I need her help, I just didn't want her to call Shawna. She thought she heard me say that I wanted Shawna to braid my hair. When in fact I just made a general comment about Shawna braiding my hair when Mom told me she was off today. Mom left mad, frustrated and teary eyed, saying "I can never do anything right" . In hind sight it seems very small and trivial. Somehow we keep having these encounters about help. I told her I am going to need her help...I don't know I don't have any answers and I'm too tired and too overwhelmed to figure it out. God is trying to tell me something I'm sure, I just have figured out what yet. I will pray for understanding.
When Tyler came home from school today, she received her first acceptance letter to college. She was accepted to Arizona State University. I put a damper on that by saying, "it has no money attached". That hurt Tyler's feelings and took away her joy. It was not my intent to upset her. I apologized and congratulated her. Louis stopped by to congratulate her as well. Tyler was in tears because she said she was overwhelemed. She just didn't know what to do. I keep telling her she is selling herself short, thinking she is not good enough to do what she wants to do. Then she saids she doesn't know where she wants to go to college, she just doesn't want to go in the the midwest. She she didn't know what to do and everytime she asks me I don't help her. I thought I had helped. We've sat down a few times to work on applications, NCAA clearing house registration and narrowing down her college choices. Shame on me for thinking I had given her enough leads to move forward. It's hard for me to comprehend as I did not have anyone to help me with college applications or applying for financial aid or scholarships. So Louis and I set at the kitchen table and wrote her atlethic bio for her to send to college coaches. She sat and watched us and did not contribute or have any input. Maybe now she will move forwardI thought we had narrowed her college choices down, but she just want to continue applying to different colleges with no real ryhme or reason. She knows she wants sports medicine, but not where. I am so frustrated, I've talked and talked, eplained the process, the expectations and told her the sooner she gets this done the better. She also let me know that she only saw one essay that she can write for scholarships that I referred her to and that she didn't know how to use fastweb. She puts so much energy to socializing, I don't know why I can't get her to put the same enery into her future. Right now it's just too much! After surgery we'll work on it some more maybe I'll get it right.
I talked to Angie today. She asked me if I was scared. I told her no, I'm not scared, atleast not yet. I do think that I should be scared, but so far not so. It may hit me when I get to the hospital.
My heart goes out to Ferlando, he's trying to be here for me and now he's trying to divide himself between me and his father. I pray that he can stay strong while fulfilling his need to help me, his father and keep up with his studies.
Mel came by and picked me up tonight. She took me out to dinner. We met Tammy at MiMi's Cafe. It was right on time as things have not been going well today. God is always right on time. We had a good time at dinner, talking girl talk and eating good food. It was just nice to get out, have some fun and no pressure! We even took pictures at the restaurant. Mel gave me a beautiful card, so the day did get better.
When I got home from the restaurant tonight. Breyen came to my room and told me she wanted me to know that she does care and she loves me. She said she was just hurt and confused. When I asked her what she was confused about, she told me she just didn't understand why this was happening to me. I told her there is no "why" it's just what it is. She said she wants me to know that she loves me, she does care and that she is going to be here for me. She gave me hug and I thanked her for letting me know how she feels. That was the best part of the day.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Three Days to Go
I woke up this morning feeling snug as bug in a rug! I got up and went to church. I really wanted to go because it would be the last time before surgery. One of the young ministers delivered the sermon today, he was pretty funny. He talked about the Giants in our life, the type that get in the way and how we find our way around them. I'm working on several Giants right now, but as the Minister said trust in God will cut the Giant off at the knees.
I got upset with Tyler today. I was asking her advice on purchasing an Obama sweat shirt and she was really annoyed and rude. I told her after we left that I did not appreciate her behavior. Needless to say the ride home was quiet. It made me want to cry, but I know she's a teenager and it was teen age behavior and I'm a little bit more on the sensitive side lately.
When we got home, I made a german chocolate cake. Mom came over and washed windows. I thought it too cold for her to be washing windows but she seem content so I let her be. Mom also told me that Ferlando had gotten a call that his father was in the hospital. I called Ferlando and found out that his Dad has cancer in the lungs, spleen, etc. The Dr. sais he has some months. It shook Ferlando and my heart went out to him. He told me it was difficult for him to talk to me about it. I told him it is a part of life and please do not exclude me because of what I'm going through. He agreed, but I could hear the struggle in his voice. I told him to let me know if I can help in any way. I will definitely add his Dad to my prayers. Ferlando want to be there for me me and he wants and needs to be there for his father. I am prayerful and I know it will all work out. It's funny because Ferland and I had a conversation on Fri, about something else happening while this thing with me is going on. Remember "He" won't give us more than we can bear.
Walter and Milan came over as well. Walter cut the grass in the back and got the leaves up. Thank you Jesus, cause lord know I didn't want to do it. I still need to get the spirals cut, I'll call someone to do that tomorrow. It got so cold out while Walter was cutting the grass. He came inside to get warm, I made him some tea but he never got to drink it. He reached out to me to ask what he could to help and I truly apprciate the help.
I called baby sister, I asked if she was coming over today and she said "no". I let her know that I was baking the German Chocolate Cake, so she said "I know you"; I'll be over to get my cake today. She, Dani and Mike came over. Dani and Mike gave me some puzzle books to keep myself busy in the hospital. We sat and talked while I was baking the cake. Later the "Say Good bye to the Titty pot Luck got underway. Maria and Ariel came by, Auntee Charlene and Uncle Howard really surprised me when they came in the door. Trina and Shawna came by, Miss JoAnne, Ferlando, Nona, Anita, Tee, Annie and Darlene. We did talk about the Titty. I did take pictures of the titty too! But I didn't share them with everyone, not because it bothered me but because I thought it might bother my guests. Ferlando did say he didn't want to see the pictures, so I only shared them Annie. It's the new Titty that I think I may have more problems sharing. I thought that will come during the healing process. However, I found out that JoAnne, Maria and Darlene are all Wuss' :) All afraid of the sight of blood. Annie was the only strong one. We all had lot's of laughs about the breast. Anita was still teary eyed and cried when she tried to talk about it. I put my arms around her gave her hug and told her it would be okay. She took pictures. She said she will come over while I'm recouping and we would scrape book....I look forward to that. It was great to have my family and friends together. Even one of Tyler's gentleman friends came by with a box of candy and card for me...It really made me feel special. I missed Chris today. I'm sure we'll talk tomorrow.
I talked to cousin Gwen tonight. She's having a difficult time and having to face the possibility of relocation to keep her job. I told her God knows what's best and not worry it will all work out. She's always so positive so it was hard to hear her so down. I hope all will work out for her!
I didn't get a chance to talk to PeeWee for any real length of today, she called so I'll follow up with her tomorrow. I did talk to Shanita, so it was a full day of sharing love laughter and company with my family and friends. I absolultely loved it!
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow! LOL!!
I got upset with Tyler today. I was asking her advice on purchasing an Obama sweat shirt and she was really annoyed and rude. I told her after we left that I did not appreciate her behavior. Needless to say the ride home was quiet. It made me want to cry, but I know she's a teenager and it was teen age behavior and I'm a little bit more on the sensitive side lately.
When we got home, I made a german chocolate cake. Mom came over and washed windows. I thought it too cold for her to be washing windows but she seem content so I let her be. Mom also told me that Ferlando had gotten a call that his father was in the hospital. I called Ferlando and found out that his Dad has cancer in the lungs, spleen, etc. The Dr. sais he has some months. It shook Ferlando and my heart went out to him. He told me it was difficult for him to talk to me about it. I told him it is a part of life and please do not exclude me because of what I'm going through. He agreed, but I could hear the struggle in his voice. I told him to let me know if I can help in any way. I will definitely add his Dad to my prayers. Ferlando want to be there for me me and he wants and needs to be there for his father. I am prayerful and I know it will all work out. It's funny because Ferland and I had a conversation on Fri, about something else happening while this thing with me is going on. Remember "He" won't give us more than we can bear.
Walter and Milan came over as well. Walter cut the grass in the back and got the leaves up. Thank you Jesus, cause lord know I didn't want to do it. I still need to get the spirals cut, I'll call someone to do that tomorrow. It got so cold out while Walter was cutting the grass. He came inside to get warm, I made him some tea but he never got to drink it. He reached out to me to ask what he could to help and I truly apprciate the help.
I called baby sister, I asked if she was coming over today and she said "no". I let her know that I was baking the German Chocolate Cake, so she said "I know you"; I'll be over to get my cake today. She, Dani and Mike came over. Dani and Mike gave me some puzzle books to keep myself busy in the hospital. We sat and talked while I was baking the cake. Later the "Say Good bye to the Titty pot Luck got underway. Maria and Ariel came by, Auntee Charlene and Uncle Howard really surprised me when they came in the door. Trina and Shawna came by, Miss JoAnne, Ferlando, Nona, Anita, Tee, Annie and Darlene. We did talk about the Titty. I did take pictures of the titty too! But I didn't share them with everyone, not because it bothered me but because I thought it might bother my guests. Ferlando did say he didn't want to see the pictures, so I only shared them Annie. It's the new Titty that I think I may have more problems sharing. I thought that will come during the healing process. However, I found out that JoAnne, Maria and Darlene are all Wuss' :) All afraid of the sight of blood. Annie was the only strong one. We all had lot's of laughs about the breast. Anita was still teary eyed and cried when she tried to talk about it. I put my arms around her gave her hug and told her it would be okay. She took pictures. She said she will come over while I'm recouping and we would scrape book....I look forward to that. It was great to have my family and friends together. Even one of Tyler's gentleman friends came by with a box of candy and card for me...It really made me feel special. I missed Chris today. I'm sure we'll talk tomorrow.
I talked to cousin Gwen tonight. She's having a difficult time and having to face the possibility of relocation to keep her job. I told her God knows what's best and not worry it will all work out. She's always so positive so it was hard to hear her so down. I hope all will work out for her!
I didn't get a chance to talk to PeeWee for any real length of today, she called so I'll follow up with her tomorrow. I did talk to Shanita, so it was a full day of sharing love laughter and company with my family and friends. I absolultely loved it!
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow! LOL!!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Four Days and Counting
Today was a good day. I finally got to my room. Ann came by and helped me clean up my room. She took me to the grocery store. I did my shopping, so there is plenty of food in the house. When we were done with the grocery shopping we went to Chilis for lunch. Tyler went with us. It was nice to be out and not going to the doctor. I simply relaxed for the rest of the evening.
Clara called tonight. She is planning to come visit on 16th of November. It will be nice to see her and spend some time. Hopefully, I will be up and about so that I can really enjoy her company.
Folks are planning to come over tomorrow for the "Good-bye to the Titty Pot Luck" It should be fun. It will be the last time for most to see me before "the surgery" ( before I loose a titty). Hopefully it will not be too hard for them. It seems that many of my friends are tearful when reading the blog, talking to me or simply thinking about me. Tee said the blog makes her cry. Anita cried when talking to me, PeeWee laughs to keep from crying, Shawna stays away from me, Danni and Mike want to spend some time with me, Mom wants to hold me, Darlene is there but distant, Annie continues to be a rock for me as she does with her Mom and siblings, Walter wants to help, Maria has a car now and plans to be around for me, my sister keeps crying, Shanita is shaken with fear and checks in to make sure I'm still here, Breyen stops in to look at me not necessarily to talk, Tyler sleeps in my bed, Ann keeps me rational and hugs tight, JoAnn hides her tears with laughter. It makes me cry for all of my friends and family for the pain that they are feeling, it hurts to see them hurt, Tira check in with sadness in her voice, Angie cried a while..I could go on... Ferlando said God trusts me to handle all of this. My tears when they come are for all of you! I'm waiting for me to cry the tears for me....maybe I'll cry a river when it comes.
Clara called tonight. She is planning to come visit on 16th of November. It will be nice to see her and spend some time. Hopefully, I will be up and about so that I can really enjoy her company.
Folks are planning to come over tomorrow for the "Good-bye to the Titty Pot Luck" It should be fun. It will be the last time for most to see me before "the surgery" ( before I loose a titty). Hopefully it will not be too hard for them. It seems that many of my friends are tearful when reading the blog, talking to me or simply thinking about me. Tee said the blog makes her cry. Anita cried when talking to me, PeeWee laughs to keep from crying, Shawna stays away from me, Danni and Mike want to spend some time with me, Mom wants to hold me, Darlene is there but distant, Annie continues to be a rock for me as she does with her Mom and siblings, Walter wants to help, Maria has a car now and plans to be around for me, my sister keeps crying, Shanita is shaken with fear and checks in to make sure I'm still here, Breyen stops in to look at me not necessarily to talk, Tyler sleeps in my bed, Ann keeps me rational and hugs tight, JoAnn hides her tears with laughter. It makes me cry for all of my friends and family for the pain that they are feeling, it hurts to see them hurt, Tira check in with sadness in her voice, Angie cried a while..I could go on... Ferlando said God trusts me to handle all of this. My tears when they come are for all of you! I'm waiting for me to cry the tears for me....maybe I'll cry a river when it comes.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Five More Days to Go
When I woke up this morning, I felt like crying! I don't know why. I haven't cried in a while, probaly since the first days of finding out about the breast cancer diagnois. The feeling passed as quickly as it came. I know the tears will come eventually. I suspect they will come soon, maybe at the hospital just before surgery.
Today was a very long day. It was my intention to go to the doctor, get back to the house and finish cleaning my room. There's not much to do, but I just haven't gotten around to it.
I went to see the Dr. today regarding the official pathology results from the DNC. Dr. Roth said all is well and even gave me a picture of my uterus. He said he was worried because he thought he saw a lot of stuff when he did the DNC, but knew it was best to wait for the result before confirming anything. He asked as he always does if there is anything he can do to help. I thanked him. I told him he's on my call list. He said great because he really wanted to know home I'm doing after surgery. It was a quick short Dr. visit. I like them like that!
When I left the Dr. I called Ann to let her know I was not going to stick around for lunch. Ann is planning to come visit with me tomorrow, so I'll see her then. I stopped at the mall and picked up a pack of footies and then decided to head back south. On a whim I decided to stop at the FEMA office on 127th. I parked and got in line, thinking that I would get tired of waiting and just leave. Well, I stood in line from 12:30 PM until 5 PM. It took 10 maybe 15 minutes to fill out an application, the process was actually pretty smooth. Louis was at a different location. We stayed in touch with each other to see how fast the lines were moving or not moving. They seemed to be moving at about the same pace. I was finished just about 10 to 15 minutes before Louis.
God is very good to me. I had not intended to go to the FEMA office, so I was not dressed for the standing in line outside for hours. I got a little chilled and the sun came out and that felt really good. Later when I was beside the building in the shade and I started to shiver and the man in from of me wrapped his coat around me. Also, I had not eaten or drank anything all day, but I didn't even get a hunger headache.
I picked Ferlando up from Starbucks and we went out for pizza. We had a very good enlightening and spiritual conversation. Ferlando shared with me that he thought my life journey at this time is not for me but for others and that God is using me as a catalyst for change. And also to bring our family together. I would like to think that is the case, I'm just not sure. I do believe that he is right that God is using me for something, I'm waiting to see what it is. I'm like a little kid peaking around the tree trunk to see what's going on. In a wait, I'm anxious to get the surgery done so that I can see what's next. One thing that I've learned is just how much I am loved. Ferlando thinks I'm learning humility that God is using me, yet the consolation is not for me. I don't know the purpose but I know that God continues to bless me in so many ways. I'm at loss for words to share with you the very spiritual and soulful conversation we had except to say I conversation opened up Ferlando' connection and communication with God. I think we both saw God working right before our eyes. We went back to Mom's watched TV, heard the news about Jennifer Hudson's family....I have her in my prayers. It's really sad.
Tonight at Mom's we had a conversation about Michele Obama and dressing with class. Mom said well she doesn't have her breast hanging out, woment shouldn't have their chest hanging out. I told her too bad...cause when I get my new set of girls, I'm going to let 'em all hang out. She didn't expect that from me. She fell out laughing. I told her I'm serious so just don't say anything...LOL! Anyway she and Ferlando asked to feel the lump in my breast. They were able to feel a little bit of a mass. The Cancer was playing games tonight, there was no real lump to a mass. I told them it changes sometimes its a mass and sometimes it's a lump. It was playing hide and seek tonight just as it did during the first biospy. As my doctor saids, "it's a sneaky cancer!
I spoke with Darlene the other night and she asked me to think about not writing about Breyen in the Blog. I told her I needed to do that because it's all a part of the journey. So, she asked me to consider not writing negatively about Breyen. I told her I could do that. I've had some time to think about her request. I told her that my thoughts were not intended to be negative but rather just what I'm experiencing. My sister told me that Ferlando asked Shawna to talk to Breyen. Shawna told her that there was nothing she could say to Breyen and that Breyen would change when she's ready. I totally agree with Shawna, but here's the thing. Breyen is as one of the members of my church often says is "in the world,but she'll be back". I think that statement applies here but figuratively. Breyen is my first born. She's special, she's spoiled and head strong and so are both of her parents. I know that Breyen cares about me and that she loves me, she actually tells me often. She's actually in a place in her life where I expect her to be even if there was no Breast Cancer in my life. When she takes the wrong path, I go off the deep end in an attempt to bring her back to the right path as I supspect many other parents are doing with the young adults in their lives. She will be back, she is beautiful, she is thoughtful when she wants to be, she's intelligent ans she has so much potential. She uses a lot of antedotes like "love me or leave me alone." That's her strength reaching out, she's immature in a lot of ways and she wants acceptance, her actions are screaming for it. I LOVE Breyen DeAndra Burke. She is blossoming, I just have to give her some fertilizer. Right now she is riding the wave, it's not easy but I have every confidence no matter what comes in between that all will be well with her. It's what I ask for in my prayers. She has a limited capacity right now but she's young enough still for that capacity to grow.
Speaking of capacity, Ferlando thinks that I am traveling this journey with Breast Cancer because God finds me qualified in that he only gives us what we can bear. He said imagine someone else in our family going through this...we would be messed up. Interesting! I'm sleepy so I'll come back to this...
Five Days to Go and Blue Cross and Blue Shield is dragging its butt on approving the breast augmentation on the left breast for symetry. Yet in the state of IL the law saids that insurance co.'s have to pay for this type of augmentation when breast cancer is involved. They know that the surgery is scheduled for Oct. 29, 2008 but at his point their reponse is simply, "the matter is under review" Why do we have these laws if the insurance companies don't have to follow them? Pray that this is resolved in time for the surgery.
Today was a very long day. It was my intention to go to the doctor, get back to the house and finish cleaning my room. There's not much to do, but I just haven't gotten around to it.
I went to see the Dr. today regarding the official pathology results from the DNC. Dr. Roth said all is well and even gave me a picture of my uterus. He said he was worried because he thought he saw a lot of stuff when he did the DNC, but knew it was best to wait for the result before confirming anything. He asked as he always does if there is anything he can do to help. I thanked him. I told him he's on my call list. He said great because he really wanted to know home I'm doing after surgery. It was a quick short Dr. visit. I like them like that!
When I left the Dr. I called Ann to let her know I was not going to stick around for lunch. Ann is planning to come visit with me tomorrow, so I'll see her then. I stopped at the mall and picked up a pack of footies and then decided to head back south. On a whim I decided to stop at the FEMA office on 127th. I parked and got in line, thinking that I would get tired of waiting and just leave. Well, I stood in line from 12:30 PM until 5 PM. It took 10 maybe 15 minutes to fill out an application, the process was actually pretty smooth. Louis was at a different location. We stayed in touch with each other to see how fast the lines were moving or not moving. They seemed to be moving at about the same pace. I was finished just about 10 to 15 minutes before Louis.
God is very good to me. I had not intended to go to the FEMA office, so I was not dressed for the standing in line outside for hours. I got a little chilled and the sun came out and that felt really good. Later when I was beside the building in the shade and I started to shiver and the man in from of me wrapped his coat around me. Also, I had not eaten or drank anything all day, but I didn't even get a hunger headache.
I picked Ferlando up from Starbucks and we went out for pizza. We had a very good enlightening and spiritual conversation. Ferlando shared with me that he thought my life journey at this time is not for me but for others and that God is using me as a catalyst for change. And also to bring our family together. I would like to think that is the case, I'm just not sure. I do believe that he is right that God is using me for something, I'm waiting to see what it is. I'm like a little kid peaking around the tree trunk to see what's going on. In a wait, I'm anxious to get the surgery done so that I can see what's next. One thing that I've learned is just how much I am loved. Ferlando thinks I'm learning humility that God is using me, yet the consolation is not for me. I don't know the purpose but I know that God continues to bless me in so many ways. I'm at loss for words to share with you the very spiritual and soulful conversation we had except to say I conversation opened up Ferlando' connection and communication with God. I think we both saw God working right before our eyes. We went back to Mom's watched TV, heard the news about Jennifer Hudson's family....I have her in my prayers. It's really sad.
Tonight at Mom's we had a conversation about Michele Obama and dressing with class. Mom said well she doesn't have her breast hanging out, woment shouldn't have their chest hanging out. I told her too bad...cause when I get my new set of girls, I'm going to let 'em all hang out. She didn't expect that from me. She fell out laughing. I told her I'm serious so just don't say anything...LOL! Anyway she and Ferlando asked to feel the lump in my breast. They were able to feel a little bit of a mass. The Cancer was playing games tonight, there was no real lump to a mass. I told them it changes sometimes its a mass and sometimes it's a lump. It was playing hide and seek tonight just as it did during the first biospy. As my doctor saids, "it's a sneaky cancer!
I spoke with Darlene the other night and she asked me to think about not writing about Breyen in the Blog. I told her I needed to do that because it's all a part of the journey. So, she asked me to consider not writing negatively about Breyen. I told her I could do that. I've had some time to think about her request. I told her that my thoughts were not intended to be negative but rather just what I'm experiencing. My sister told me that Ferlando asked Shawna to talk to Breyen. Shawna told her that there was nothing she could say to Breyen and that Breyen would change when she's ready. I totally agree with Shawna, but here's the thing. Breyen is as one of the members of my church often says is "in the world,but she'll be back". I think that statement applies here but figuratively. Breyen is my first born. She's special, she's spoiled and head strong and so are both of her parents. I know that Breyen cares about me and that she loves me, she actually tells me often. She's actually in a place in her life where I expect her to be even if there was no Breast Cancer in my life. When she takes the wrong path, I go off the deep end in an attempt to bring her back to the right path as I supspect many other parents are doing with the young adults in their lives. She will be back, she is beautiful, she is thoughtful when she wants to be, she's intelligent ans she has so much potential. She uses a lot of antedotes like "love me or leave me alone." That's her strength reaching out, she's immature in a lot of ways and she wants acceptance, her actions are screaming for it. I LOVE Breyen DeAndra Burke. She is blossoming, I just have to give her some fertilizer. Right now she is riding the wave, it's not easy but I have every confidence no matter what comes in between that all will be well with her. It's what I ask for in my prayers. She has a limited capacity right now but she's young enough still for that capacity to grow.
Speaking of capacity, Ferlando thinks that I am traveling this journey with Breast Cancer because God finds me qualified in that he only gives us what we can bear. He said imagine someone else in our family going through this...we would be messed up. Interesting! I'm sleepy so I'll come back to this...
Five Days to Go and Blue Cross and Blue Shield is dragging its butt on approving the breast augmentation on the left breast for symetry. Yet in the state of IL the law saids that insurance co.'s have to pay for this type of augmentation when breast cancer is involved. They know that the surgery is scheduled for Oct. 29, 2008 but at his point their reponse is simply, "the matter is under review" Why do we have these laws if the insurance companies don't have to follow them? Pray that this is resolved in time for the surgery.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Six Days to Go
I have six more days to get things together. I started cleaning my room this morning but I didn't finish because Tyler was in my bed. She was not feeling well today. She woke up with a sore throat. I made a doctor appointment for her so that we could make sure she did not have Strep. If I get sick that postpones surgery and I really want to get it over with. She does not have strep. I still made her wash my bed linen though. Just in case. She said her germs were only on her side of the bed. I reminded her that she does not have a side, it's my bed! :)
I ran four miles today with Erica. I really felt good. Ferlando and Tyler told me that Mom is worried about my activity level. She wants me to rest. I can't be still, it's not me. Also, I am just doing what I would normally do. I'm not over doing it. I do stay busy. I like being busy and it allows me to sleep at night. I don't let too many things slow me down and I don't like to just lie down. I didn't even lie down when I gave birth. I gave birth sitting up. Even when I got hit by the car I didn't really lay down. But I must admit getting hit by the car did knock me on my butt. But even then when I got hit by the car and was taken to the ER, I was holding on to the side rails so I could sit up. I esp. wanted to sit up when I realized I had road rash on my back, that crap was painful. Five days after being hit by a car, I was at Tyler's Track Meet, sore,and stiff but there! Anyway, I figure after this surgery I will have plenty of time to rest! I mean women work up until the day they have the baby, maybe if Mom could think of it that way she would be more at ease. Staying busy and doing what I do keeps me strong, sitting being still would really wear me out at this point. I love Mom for being so concerned, I wish I could make it better for her. She will get her chance in six days to have me be still and have me bug her stuff/help. I know she's use to taking care of folks, but folks she has taken care of in the past have been near the end of their lives...I plan to Live!
Tonight I was thinking that I'm like Humpty Dumpty. I fell off the wall and I'm hoping the surgeons can put me back together again!
My friend Mel said, "boy why is this happening to you. I know so many people who are snakes in the grass and living the good life. You have such a good heart. Ah, sometimes I think I must be doing something wrong in my life rather I realize it or not. But then I think about my friend John who saids "bad things happen to good people all the time" However, I don't give the why of it much thought. Rather, I hold on the hope for a better day and for the future. I want to meet my sons in law and my grand children. Another of my friends' Mom said my life over the past thiry years has been like Jobs. OMG please don't go there I am not on that level and never want to be there.
Hugs yall. Thank you for all of the hugs, they make me feel safe and secure!
I wake in the mornings thanking God for another day, praying and praising. I'm still alright!
I ran four miles today with Erica. I really felt good. Ferlando and Tyler told me that Mom is worried about my activity level. She wants me to rest. I can't be still, it's not me. Also, I am just doing what I would normally do. I'm not over doing it. I do stay busy. I like being busy and it allows me to sleep at night. I don't let too many things slow me down and I don't like to just lie down. I didn't even lie down when I gave birth. I gave birth sitting up. Even when I got hit by the car I didn't really lay down. But I must admit getting hit by the car did knock me on my butt. But even then when I got hit by the car and was taken to the ER, I was holding on to the side rails so I could sit up. I esp. wanted to sit up when I realized I had road rash on my back, that crap was painful. Five days after being hit by a car, I was at Tyler's Track Meet, sore,and stiff but there! Anyway, I figure after this surgery I will have plenty of time to rest! I mean women work up until the day they have the baby, maybe if Mom could think of it that way she would be more at ease. Staying busy and doing what I do keeps me strong, sitting being still would really wear me out at this point. I love Mom for being so concerned, I wish I could make it better for her. She will get her chance in six days to have me be still and have me bug her stuff/help. I know she's use to taking care of folks, but folks she has taken care of in the past have been near the end of their lives...I plan to Live!
Tonight I was thinking that I'm like Humpty Dumpty. I fell off the wall and I'm hoping the surgeons can put me back together again!
My friend Mel said, "boy why is this happening to you. I know so many people who are snakes in the grass and living the good life. You have such a good heart. Ah, sometimes I think I must be doing something wrong in my life rather I realize it or not. But then I think about my friend John who saids "bad things happen to good people all the time" However, I don't give the why of it much thought. Rather, I hold on the hope for a better day and for the future. I want to meet my sons in law and my grand children. Another of my friends' Mom said my life over the past thiry years has been like Jobs. OMG please don't go there I am not on that level and never want to be there.
Hugs yall. Thank you for all of the hugs, they make me feel safe and secure!
I wake in the mornings thanking God for another day, praying and praising. I'm still alright!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Seven Days and Counting
Well, things are coming together. I had an eye doctor appointment today. The appointment went well. My eye sight has not changed much which is a good thing since I am already half blind. I actually got both contact lenses and glasses this time. I went ahead and got the glasses because if I have to take a lot of pain medication, I will probaly sleep alot and should not have my contacts on. And yes, there will be a bi-focal line. :)
Mom had the carpet in the family room cleaned today. It really gave the house a fresh scent. I appreciate her having it done, but worry that she can't really afford it. Anyway, I'm glad it's done. Now I have to clean my room. I did move my summer thngs out and brought in the winter things today. I tried to make sure I kept all of my button up shirts out as I will not be able to lift my arms to put on a pull over shirt after surgery. I will give my room a good cleaning tomorrow.
I spoke with my half sister Yvonne tonight. Don't tell her I called her my half sister. She is really my sister but I make the distinction so folks are not confused when I say sister. I have another half sister; her name is Mae. I spoke with her and her daughter tonight. They are keeping me in prayer and my niece saids she's coming to visit. She has always had a way of making my blood boil and tonight was no different. However, after talking for a while, she apologized and let me know that she was just worried. I understand the worry. I can say I'm concerned but not necessarily worried. I'm concerned about all the implications around the re-contruction. The concern is what may happen in the future, cetaininly nothing to worry about today. Darlene told me to stop reading about it, but I like to be informed even though it's overwhelming. I do realize that I am still blessed and luckier than most in regard to health. I listened to a segment on the news tonight about african american women dying from breast cancer because they don't get or can't afford the care. It made me realize how fortunate I am. I have some good doctor's and nurses taking very good care of me. Of course, I pray for them and ask God to bless them with the skills to care for me.
The hosptial called today. Surgery time has changed. Surgery is now scheduled for 12 Noon. I need to report to the hospital at 8:45 AM. I will stop at the plastic surgeons office before going to the hospital for marking. Yeah, you know, like on TV when you see the plastic surgeons mark the body to determine where to cut and or make adjustments. So another early day! I told Mom and Babysister so they can plan to get some sleep. Me, I probably won't sleep that night. That's okay cause I sleep pretty good most nights. I'll check with my primary care doctor tomorrow to make sure all of the pre-op lab work results are back and forwarded to the surgeons.
I don't have a docgtor's appointment tomorrow. Yea!
Mom had the carpet in the family room cleaned today. It really gave the house a fresh scent. I appreciate her having it done, but worry that she can't really afford it. Anyway, I'm glad it's done. Now I have to clean my room. I did move my summer thngs out and brought in the winter things today. I tried to make sure I kept all of my button up shirts out as I will not be able to lift my arms to put on a pull over shirt after surgery. I will give my room a good cleaning tomorrow.
I spoke with my half sister Yvonne tonight. Don't tell her I called her my half sister. She is really my sister but I make the distinction so folks are not confused when I say sister. I have another half sister; her name is Mae. I spoke with her and her daughter tonight. They are keeping me in prayer and my niece saids she's coming to visit. She has always had a way of making my blood boil and tonight was no different. However, after talking for a while, she apologized and let me know that she was just worried. I understand the worry. I can say I'm concerned but not necessarily worried. I'm concerned about all the implications around the re-contruction. The concern is what may happen in the future, cetaininly nothing to worry about today. Darlene told me to stop reading about it, but I like to be informed even though it's overwhelming. I do realize that I am still blessed and luckier than most in regard to health. I listened to a segment on the news tonight about african american women dying from breast cancer because they don't get or can't afford the care. It made me realize how fortunate I am. I have some good doctor's and nurses taking very good care of me. Of course, I pray for them and ask God to bless them with the skills to care for me.
The hosptial called today. Surgery time has changed. Surgery is now scheduled for 12 Noon. I need to report to the hospital at 8:45 AM. I will stop at the plastic surgeons office before going to the hospital for marking. Yeah, you know, like on TV when you see the plastic surgeons mark the body to determine where to cut and or make adjustments. So another early day! I told Mom and Babysister so they can plan to get some sleep. Me, I probably won't sleep that night. That's okay cause I sleep pretty good most nights. I'll check with my primary care doctor tomorrow to make sure all of the pre-op lab work results are back and forwarded to the surgeons.
I don't have a docgtor's appointment tomorrow. Yea!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Eight Days to Go
Well I went to see the plastic surgeon today. When we arrived I was given a thirty page document to initial and sign regarding the breast reconstruction. Let me tell you after I read that document I wanted to put my head in the sand, wish this thing away and not come up for air until my wish was granted. OMG, it's so much. The document covered all of things that could go wrong, from death, to infection to pain, to scarring, you name it...it was just too much. I don't think I want to do this...I just want to ask the doctor how long I live with things the way they are and explore quality of life til the end. I know, I know that would be giving up but this is beyond overwhelming. I met the nurse who will be working closely with the doctor, Her name is Lauren and she is awefully nice. She told me now that I had read the document and signed consent....there's something to be said here for signing your life away. Buying a house has nothing on this. Anyway the nurse assured me that I was in good hands and that the doctor will take really good care of me. She explained that I will be in a lot of pain after surgery. She even wrote the prescription for pain and nausea medication today. She told me to get the prescriptioins filled now and give them to Mom to keep in her purse so that they will be readily available when I need them when leaving the hospital. I always thought I had a high tolerance to pain, but the way they make this sound, this pain may just beat labor pains! We talked about which pain meds will work best. Vicadin was prescribed. I hate vicadin, it makes me sleep and keeps feeling hung over even when I am awake. In this case I guess...just take away the pain.
Mom asked how do men usually handle this type of body change. The basically said they are wuss. I don't thing that's what Mom was asking but, but it really doesn't matter to me at this point. From that point Mom and Babysister asked for information on their own skin problems. The nurse was very nice and actually got the subject matter experts in to consult with them. In the mean time I met with the Dr. who I told I am really worried about this muscle movement. He told me that he has been doing this for about 15 years and have not had any compliants with problems related to the muscle movement. He told me he would insert a pain pump so I assume I may be out of it quite a bit in the hospital. The nurse told me that they would try to have me home by Sat. because they want me out of the hospital as quickly as possible becasue of infections and germs. However, they did stress that home should be extremely clean so make sure it's clean before going in for surgery. I shared this with Breyen and Tyler because they have a tendency not to pick up or clean as needed. Hopefully they will do better and not make a mess during the days I'm in the hosptal. When I get home, they want me to walk and sit up, I can even get out to walk. I was happy to hear them say that with Mom present cause I know would have me on lock down. Being still is going to drive me crazy even if it is painful to move about. I can only pray. On the way home, I stopped for a slice of cheese cake from the cheesecake factory. Post op I will have to go to the doctor every week. I told Mom and Babysister that would be my treat each week, but I have to be careful I'm already picking up weight and I do need to be able to get back into my clothes when I'm back on my feet.
I voted today just in case I'm not up to getting out and possibily standing in line to vote on the 4th. Nona and I voted in Matteson it only took about twenty minutes. Ferlando could not vote because he is registered in the city so he will have to vote in the city. I let my girls know that the house needs to be clean and they need to pitch in even when Grandma is here, I hope they don't disappoint me.
I saw Harriet today, I could see the sorrow in her eyes for me. I also spoke with Abigail at the healthclub. Both ladies were trying hard to be positive. Still I say I have wonderful friends. All will be well, I still belive that God will make it so even with having the face the pain of the healing process.
Mom asked how do men usually handle this type of body change. The basically said they are wuss. I don't thing that's what Mom was asking but, but it really doesn't matter to me at this point. From that point Mom and Babysister asked for information on their own skin problems. The nurse was very nice and actually got the subject matter experts in to consult with them. In the mean time I met with the Dr. who I told I am really worried about this muscle movement. He told me that he has been doing this for about 15 years and have not had any compliants with problems related to the muscle movement. He told me he would insert a pain pump so I assume I may be out of it quite a bit in the hospital. The nurse told me that they would try to have me home by Sat. because they want me out of the hospital as quickly as possible becasue of infections and germs. However, they did stress that home should be extremely clean so make sure it's clean before going in for surgery. I shared this with Breyen and Tyler because they have a tendency not to pick up or clean as needed. Hopefully they will do better and not make a mess during the days I'm in the hosptal. When I get home, they want me to walk and sit up, I can even get out to walk. I was happy to hear them say that with Mom present cause I know would have me on lock down. Being still is going to drive me crazy even if it is painful to move about. I can only pray. On the way home, I stopped for a slice of cheese cake from the cheesecake factory. Post op I will have to go to the doctor every week. I told Mom and Babysister that would be my treat each week, but I have to be careful I'm already picking up weight and I do need to be able to get back into my clothes when I'm back on my feet.
I voted today just in case I'm not up to getting out and possibily standing in line to vote on the 4th. Nona and I voted in Matteson it only took about twenty minutes. Ferlando could not vote because he is registered in the city so he will have to vote in the city. I let my girls know that the house needs to be clean and they need to pitch in even when Grandma is here, I hope they don't disappoint me.
I saw Harriet today, I could see the sorrow in her eyes for me. I also spoke with Abigail at the healthclub. Both ladies were trying hard to be positive. Still I say I have wonderful friends. All will be well, I still belive that God will make it so even with having the face the pain of the healing process.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Nine Days and Counting
I started the day today taking Tyler to school and then on to the Dr. for pre -op work. We went over my medical history, and I has an EKG. I then went to the Ingalls Family care center in lansing for blood work and an chest x-ray. The girl who took my blood was good, she didn't miss my vein and I didn't even feel the initial prick. I told her I wish I could take her to the hospital with me next week. I had a chance to sit and read a little bit as I was waiting to have the chest x-ray and that felt good. I came home had something to eat and read a little more and took a nap. I had planned to work out tonight but Tyler reminded me that it was College night. So we went to college night at HF. We stopped at the USC table and the recruiter told Tyler what I and so many others have told her and that is to cast her net wide. Tyler limits herself and I'm afraid she's going to miss out on many opportunities. She dosen't know where she wants to go to school except to say that she does not want to go to school in the midwest. I've explained she needs to go where the money is and thus far only IL schools are seriously recruiting her for track. Even though she does not want to go to school in the midwest I can't get her moving on writing essays for scholarships that might help or allow her to go to school out of state. I keep telling her she can't wait there will be no funds at the last minute. Maybe she thinks things are just going to fall in her lap...not this time. I almost wanted to cry at college night tonight, I'm so afraid she is going to throw away precious opportunites, much like her sister did but in a different way. I was angry at Breyen today. Nothing much has changed. I asked her to wash clothes around 2pm this afternoon, she said okay. She had company, they watched a movie and I reminded her that clothes could be in the machine while they watching the moving. Well that didn't happen. Around 5 PM I asked to wash the clothes again she said okay and got on the phone. I approached her again around 6 PM and she said she was going to wash clohtes and what difference did it make when she did them. I made her get off the phone and wash the clothes. She washed some of the clothes and it is now after 10 PM and not have been folded! Peewee said she doesn't know how to deal with the breast cancer.
Many people have told me about a sister, aunt, friend and or mother who has had breast cancer. It's almost as common as the common cold. I liken it to drug addicts; every family seems to have one. I'm the one.
The next appointment is with th plastic surgeon...
Many people have told me about a sister, aunt, friend and or mother who has had breast cancer. It's almost as common as the common cold. I liken it to drug addicts; every family seems to have one. I'm the one.
The next appointment is with th plastic surgeon...
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Ten Days to Go
Counting down...I have ten days to go before surgery. At this point, I'm just trying to enjoy the days and prepare for surgery. JoAnne reminded me today that I would need pajamas that button down the front because I will not be able to lift my arms. I hadn't thought about that, not the lifting of the arms but the button down the front PJ's. So I've added it to the list. I will do one more grocery shop before surgery as well. I wanted Breyen and Tyler to stay at Mom's during the surgery, but Mom will be with me and Ferlando will also be at the hospital as will my sister. So, I guess I will have to leave them at home. Breyen wanted to know why they needed to go to Grandma's. Crazy question from a child who disrespected my home the last time I left her al0ne at home. I just hope that this time she will do better. I think I've worked out rides for everyone and I've already reserved a hotel room near the hosptial. I will ask Louis to be a back up ride for the girls just in case they get into it and act silly about getting to the hospital. I have to talk to Tyler's teachers to excuse her from class on Thurs. and Friday, I'll have someone pickup the mail and ask my neighbor to watch out for the house. We will drive my car to the hospital so family will have wheels to get around. Oh yeah and of course, I have to make sure the bills are paid. Mom sugested that I vote eary, just in case I'm not up to getting around later, so I will look into that as well.
Anyway today was good. I went to church, it was Men's day. I always enjoy men's day and today was no different. We had Zarinah with us today. Henry was at the house to pick her up when we got home. Ferlando and Mom came over after church and we cooked meat loaf, garlic mashed potatoes, brocoli and a fresh salad. I also baked a german chocolate cake. It was a nice peaceful day. We watched movies, ate and just enjoyed each other's company. One of the track althetes from the Angelic Flyers (Eric) came by and spent the evening with us. He just lost his mom a couple of weeks ago. I hope he felt the peace in the house today as I did. I checked on Maria today, she's still kicking though not high. She will return to work tomorrow. I offered to take her to the train station tomorrow, but she opted out and asked that I allow her to walk. I really wish I could do more to help her. I will keep her in prayer, she'll be fine.
My friend Ann told me that I will be same to my friends even after surgery. I suppose in a lot of ways I will be...but since September 11 since I found out about the breast cancer, I've already changed. I'm getting smarter, my faith is growing and working on a strategy for facing my future. I don't know how to tell you what I mean by working on a strategy but I feel something evolving. I will share when I figure it out.
Chris wanted to know if it was okay to visit me in the hospital. It is pefectly fine to visit. I love company, calls are great too...do what feels best to you. Even if anyone chooses not to visit or call, I just ask that you keep me in prayer.
Anyway today was good. I went to church, it was Men's day. I always enjoy men's day and today was no different. We had Zarinah with us today. Henry was at the house to pick her up when we got home. Ferlando and Mom came over after church and we cooked meat loaf, garlic mashed potatoes, brocoli and a fresh salad. I also baked a german chocolate cake. It was a nice peaceful day. We watched movies, ate and just enjoyed each other's company. One of the track althetes from the Angelic Flyers (Eric) came by and spent the evening with us. He just lost his mom a couple of weeks ago. I hope he felt the peace in the house today as I did. I checked on Maria today, she's still kicking though not high. She will return to work tomorrow. I offered to take her to the train station tomorrow, but she opted out and asked that I allow her to walk. I really wish I could do more to help her. I will keep her in prayer, she'll be fine.
My friend Ann told me that I will be same to my friends even after surgery. I suppose in a lot of ways I will be...but since September 11 since I found out about the breast cancer, I've already changed. I'm getting smarter, my faith is growing and working on a strategy for facing my future. I don't know how to tell you what I mean by working on a strategy but I feel something evolving. I will share when I figure it out.
Chris wanted to know if it was okay to visit me in the hospital. It is pefectly fine to visit. I love company, calls are great too...do what feels best to you. Even if anyone chooses not to visit or call, I just ask that you keep me in prayer.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Getting Prepared
Today, I decided to stay put and attempt to get my Family Room cleaned and re-organized. I decided not to work out and not to do any errands so that I could get the rooom done. I've been working on it for weeks. I am naturally a pack rat and I had a ton of paper that needed to be shredded and discarded. I started as soon as I dropped Tyler off at school. Sorting through all of the paper was overwhelming. I had EOB's dating back to 1996, cards, letter, bills, the girls kindergarten drawings you name it I had it. Mom and Ferlando came over to help. God, they were a big help. I don't know how I would have done it without them. Ferlando worked really hard, he took my big ole desk apart. I've been wanting to get rid of it for years. Good riddance I'm glad It's gone. Ferlando also moved the entertainment center and the couches. I know he has to be tired. I am so thankful for his help. I was so overwhelmed at one point that I just thought it would not get done. We finally finished around 9 PM tonight. The room now looks good and feels good. Annie was the first to work with me on that room and JoAnne helped me make the next big dent. Thanks to all of you for your assistance.
While we were working today, I called Baby Sister to come over and I also spoke with my sister. So, while everyone was here I asked how they wanted to handle the day of surgery. I asked who was going to be at hospital for the surgery and who was coming later. Everyone wants to be at the hospital but I reminded them that they would just be sitting around while I'm in surgery. Mom, Babysister and Trina will ride to the hospital with me. Tyler, Breyen and Ferlando will come out later as they need to attend school/classes earlier in the day. Ferlando will take the train after leaving school downtown and Breyen and Tyler will drive out later. Because the hospital is so far away and my surgery is scheduled for later in the day, I reserved a hotel room for folks to stay the night if they wish to stay. I keep reminding everyone they can come the next day (Thursday) because I will still be out of it. Of course that fell on deaf ears. It will be nice to see them and have their support when I wake up. This is step one in getting prepared.
Next week, I have a doctor's appointment everyday except on Thursday and then again on the following Monday. I supspect by the time surgery comes around I will be pretty agagravated from being poked so much. In addition I have to tell the dr. to stop poking my breast, the skin is already purple and bruised from the last biospy. I do get to keep the skin so they need to be gentle. I'm sure he'll just look at me with a blank stare, but who knows he may listen. A girl can try. Also, I don't know if it is from the biospy but I have a new cluster/lump. I let Tyler feel it last night so I know it's not my imagination. Well a week from Wednesday it will be gone.
Several of my friends are planning to come vist before surgery. I suppose they want to see me and spend some time with the me they know now and come back to meet and see the new me after surgery. I think about the change too, but right now I remain prayerful for no cancer in the lymph nodes and no chemo. I know that God heals and all will be well. Put your faith in God and know you will all get your same friend back after surgery!
While we were working today, I called Baby Sister to come over and I also spoke with my sister. So, while everyone was here I asked how they wanted to handle the day of surgery. I asked who was going to be at hospital for the surgery and who was coming later. Everyone wants to be at the hospital but I reminded them that they would just be sitting around while I'm in surgery. Mom, Babysister and Trina will ride to the hospital with me. Tyler, Breyen and Ferlando will come out later as they need to attend school/classes earlier in the day. Ferlando will take the train after leaving school downtown and Breyen and Tyler will drive out later. Because the hospital is so far away and my surgery is scheduled for later in the day, I reserved a hotel room for folks to stay the night if they wish to stay. I keep reminding everyone they can come the next day (Thursday) because I will still be out of it. Of course that fell on deaf ears. It will be nice to see them and have their support when I wake up. This is step one in getting prepared.
Next week, I have a doctor's appointment everyday except on Thursday and then again on the following Monday. I supspect by the time surgery comes around I will be pretty agagravated from being poked so much. In addition I have to tell the dr. to stop poking my breast, the skin is already purple and bruised from the last biospy. I do get to keep the skin so they need to be gentle. I'm sure he'll just look at me with a blank stare, but who knows he may listen. A girl can try. Also, I don't know if it is from the biospy but I have a new cluster/lump. I let Tyler feel it last night so I know it's not my imagination. Well a week from Wednesday it will be gone.
Several of my friends are planning to come vist before surgery. I suppose they want to see me and spend some time with the me they know now and come back to meet and see the new me after surgery. I think about the change too, but right now I remain prayerful for no cancer in the lymph nodes and no chemo. I know that God heals and all will be well. Put your faith in God and know you will all get your same friend back after surgery!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A Busy Day
I got up this morning, took Maria to the doctor. Her wound is healing nicely. We went to breakfast and over to enterprise car rental. From there I dropped Maria off; met with Chris to work out. We ran three miles and then we worked out in the gym. Mom was there working out as well. Mom and I talked for a while. She's so funny, she's having fun watching Ferlando and enjoying his company. At the same time she is concerned and hopeful that things will work out. As far as my condition is concerned, it's nice to see her calmer and I feel better because she is calmer, at least on the outside. Before I left the gym, I stopped to talk with Sherri and Felifcia. They asked how I am doing and I told them that I am actually doing well. I don't feel any pain, I'm able to do all the things I've been doing all along. Felicia is always very positve and I like that about her. She saids maybe this is happening to me to help someone else, who knows. She may be right about that as I have been able to help Maria through her tough times. I've also come to understand what it feels like to be loved. I have received an outpouring of love. Family has been very supportive..one of the things that I hope will come out of this is bringing family back together. My friends have been awesome, acquaitances have reached out offering help and comfort, people have stopped me out and about and in the gym to pray with me, people are planning to be at the house with me after surgery so that Mom is not over worked and stressed...I don't have the words to explain. I actually used to think about what it would be like to really be loved...and now, it's a wonderful feeling!
Anyway after working out I had a chance to take a bath, get dressed to go to talk to the surgeon. I called Breyen to confirm that she was still going to go with me. I decided not to ask Mom or Babysister to go because I thought it would be good for Breyen and I to spend some time and she could ask the Dr. her own questions. She did go with me and she explained to me on the way to the doctor that she just didn't know how to deal with the diagnois. She said she does care, and she knows that breast cancer is serious but she didn't know what to do. This came out just as we got in the car together to go to the metra station. When we go to the Drs' office the surgeon explained to Breyen and I what to expect. I will need to arrive a couple of hours before surgery. I will go to nuclear medicine to receive a radio active injection that will help identify the lymp nodes. Later I will received another shot that will send blue dye through my system that will also help to identify lymp nodes. The dye will cause my urine to be blue for days after surgery. From there I will go into surgery and both the surgeon and the plastic surgeon will put there skill sets to work. The areola and the nipple will be removed because that's where the ducts live that host the cancer. The plastic surgeon will then make an incision in my back and remove a small portion of skin that he will use to make a nipple. He will then detach the lact muscle from my upper back and swing it around to my chest. From there he will decide how he will proceed (I see the plastic surgeon for details next week). Breyen thought this part was pretty cool. I think it's more like a science fiction movie or a highschool science project. Breyen asked a few questions and seemed satisfied with the answers. In fact later she told me that she like the Dr. because he's upfront and yet down to earth. I asked how long for healing..,. you know me always wanting to know when I can get moving. I'm not use to sitting still. However, the doctor told me that the first two or three days will be very painful. He told me to remember to ask the plastic surgeon if he was going to inset a tube for a pain pump. I don't know about all of that, we will have to discuss medications and side effects. But he thought I would be up and about in a week or two. I will have to very careful with my arm and they may not want me to move it for a while. I am going to try to be good but I am going to be so mad about not being able to move my arm. I know, I know...I'll be alive. I am not complaining....yet! :) I will be in the hospital for at least three days. In the mean time, I have to have a lot of pre-op work done so I will go to various Dr. appointments to get everything done. Then Breyen struck up a conversation with the Dr. regarding going to medical school!! We came home, I got a quick meal and off to the club I went.
Some time after surgery I will go back for another procedure to get a nipple. The areola will be tatooed on. I'll share more when I know more about that. I remain prayerful and positive, I think I must be crazy but "I'm good" at least for now. I wonder what it will be like when I wake up , worry if I will be the same. Anyway Tyler has decided that we should take pictures of me before surgery and that I should dress up, kinda as a farewell to my breast, and she thinks that all three of us should get a tatoo on our breast that will say "God Heals" We'll see how that goes.
I asked the doctor where did this Breast Cancer come from. He told me we really don't know. But there has been a lot of resarch...women who typically get breast cancer are those who have mothers and sisters who have had it (I don't fall in that category), women who took hormone theary (I'm not in that category) and then of course there's the food we eat and the hormones that were injected in cows, chickens, etc. Well that's definitely me and most of the rest of us. Well it is what is.
It's been a busy day and I need to get some rest. I know that I owe a lot folks calls you'll hear from me shortly. Clara I'm taking my "me" day this weekend. Thank you so much!
Good night!
Anyway after working out I had a chance to take a bath, get dressed to go to talk to the surgeon. I called Breyen to confirm that she was still going to go with me. I decided not to ask Mom or Babysister to go because I thought it would be good for Breyen and I to spend some time and she could ask the Dr. her own questions. She did go with me and she explained to me on the way to the doctor that she just didn't know how to deal with the diagnois. She said she does care, and she knows that breast cancer is serious but she didn't know what to do. This came out just as we got in the car together to go to the metra station. When we go to the Drs' office the surgeon explained to Breyen and I what to expect. I will need to arrive a couple of hours before surgery. I will go to nuclear medicine to receive a radio active injection that will help identify the lymp nodes. Later I will received another shot that will send blue dye through my system that will also help to identify lymp nodes. The dye will cause my urine to be blue for days after surgery. From there I will go into surgery and both the surgeon and the plastic surgeon will put there skill sets to work. The areola and the nipple will be removed because that's where the ducts live that host the cancer. The plastic surgeon will then make an incision in my back and remove a small portion of skin that he will use to make a nipple. He will then detach the lact muscle from my upper back and swing it around to my chest. From there he will decide how he will proceed (I see the plastic surgeon for details next week). Breyen thought this part was pretty cool. I think it's more like a science fiction movie or a highschool science project. Breyen asked a few questions and seemed satisfied with the answers. In fact later she told me that she like the Dr. because he's upfront and yet down to earth. I asked how long for healing..,. you know me always wanting to know when I can get moving. I'm not use to sitting still. However, the doctor told me that the first two or three days will be very painful. He told me to remember to ask the plastic surgeon if he was going to inset a tube for a pain pump. I don't know about all of that, we will have to discuss medications and side effects. But he thought I would be up and about in a week or two. I will have to very careful with my arm and they may not want me to move it for a while. I am going to try to be good but I am going to be so mad about not being able to move my arm. I know, I know...I'll be alive. I am not complaining....yet! :) I will be in the hospital for at least three days. In the mean time, I have to have a lot of pre-op work done so I will go to various Dr. appointments to get everything done. Then Breyen struck up a conversation with the Dr. regarding going to medical school!! We came home, I got a quick meal and off to the club I went.
Some time after surgery I will go back for another procedure to get a nipple. The areola will be tatooed on. I'll share more when I know more about that. I remain prayerful and positive, I think I must be crazy but "I'm good" at least for now. I wonder what it will be like when I wake up , worry if I will be the same. Anyway Tyler has decided that we should take pictures of me before surgery and that I should dress up, kinda as a farewell to my breast, and she thinks that all three of us should get a tatoo on our breast that will say "God Heals" We'll see how that goes.
I asked the doctor where did this Breast Cancer come from. He told me we really don't know. But there has been a lot of resarch...women who typically get breast cancer are those who have mothers and sisters who have had it (I don't fall in that category), women who took hormone theary (I'm not in that category) and then of course there's the food we eat and the hormones that were injected in cows, chickens, etc. Well that's definitely me and most of the rest of us. Well it is what is.
It's been a busy day and I need to get some rest. I know that I owe a lot folks calls you'll hear from me shortly. Clara I'm taking my "me" day this weekend. Thank you so much!
Good night!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Result
I got a call from the Dr. today, more specifically the surgeon. Once again, though he thought it might be different the result was the same. I will need to have a mastsectomy. Do I have my brain wrapped around this? I think so. I spoke with my nephew, Ferlando tonight and he was a little up set with me when he asked how I felt about the news today. He didn't like my answer. I told him that I was not surprised. It seems to be the way of my life for a while now. He felt that I was affirming the negative. I explained to him that I am just a realist and it's the realty. I was hopeful for a different result, but this result was not unexpected. I also told him, I just wanted to get it over with so that I could heal and get on with my life. That part of my answer made him happy.
I thought at one point that my life was finally settling down, after 20 years of a turbulent marriage, three years of divorce from a man in his own words said he did not want me to have "one red cent" and tried to make my life more difficult, to getting hit by a car, and pushed out of a job; struggling with my spoiled, selfish and immature daughter, I actually thought I was coming into some calm in my life. I was taking care of home, making play dates for myself and preparing for the single life as an empty nester. Well plans change. For now my plans are on hold but I plan to get back to the original plan.
I spent much of my day to day helping my friend Maria. Things didn't turn out the way she had hoped. She is really down in the dumps. She is a perfect example of "oh ye of little faith". I feel sorry for her because her faith is so weak. But I try to encourage her and let her know that if she would just turn things over to God, everything will be all right. I am okay with the mastsectomy because I believe that God will take care of everything. Ive learned that when the flesh is in control things don't go well, but when I give things over to God, things turn out so much better. We serve a good God! I know that I will have to go through the healing process but I believe I will come out of this thing okay.
When the doctor's office called to schedule the surgery, they told me the first available date was Nov. 24. That almost made me sick because I thought that would just delay me getting back to my plans, possibly put me in the hospital on Thanksgiving day and that in itself would cause anxiety for the family. I told them that was just too long to wait...this waiting thing needs to end so that I can heal and move on with my life...get back to my plans. Thank God they called back with a date of Oct. 29, 2008. I did not tell everyone right away. I needed time to let it all sink in. The doctor told me I could come in to ask questions or just call. I decided I would go see him again and this time Breyen saids she is going to go with me. We'll see.
Pray that there is no cancer in the nodes, that means no chemo, radiation, just a new set of boobs and I will be on my way. My days are long, my nights short, but all is well.
Holla!
I thought at one point that my life was finally settling down, after 20 years of a turbulent marriage, three years of divorce from a man in his own words said he did not want me to have "one red cent" and tried to make my life more difficult, to getting hit by a car, and pushed out of a job; struggling with my spoiled, selfish and immature daughter, I actually thought I was coming into some calm in my life. I was taking care of home, making play dates for myself and preparing for the single life as an empty nester. Well plans change. For now my plans are on hold but I plan to get back to the original plan.
I spent much of my day to day helping my friend Maria. Things didn't turn out the way she had hoped. She is really down in the dumps. She is a perfect example of "oh ye of little faith". I feel sorry for her because her faith is so weak. But I try to encourage her and let her know that if she would just turn things over to God, everything will be all right. I am okay with the mastsectomy because I believe that God will take care of everything. Ive learned that when the flesh is in control things don't go well, but when I give things over to God, things turn out so much better. We serve a good God! I know that I will have to go through the healing process but I believe I will come out of this thing okay.
When the doctor's office called to schedule the surgery, they told me the first available date was Nov. 24. That almost made me sick because I thought that would just delay me getting back to my plans, possibly put me in the hospital on Thanksgiving day and that in itself would cause anxiety for the family. I told them that was just too long to wait...this waiting thing needs to end so that I can heal and move on with my life...get back to my plans. Thank God they called back with a date of Oct. 29, 2008. I did not tell everyone right away. I needed time to let it all sink in. The doctor told me I could come in to ask questions or just call. I decided I would go see him again and this time Breyen saids she is going to go with me. We'll see.
Pray that there is no cancer in the nodes, that means no chemo, radiation, just a new set of boobs and I will be on my way. My days are long, my nights short, but all is well.
Holla!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Still Waiting
Well, I did not get a call today from either the surgeon or the ob/gyn. One might think that's good news. I could have called today to find out the results of both procedures (breast MRI & DNC), but I didn't. I suppose I really didn't want to know. In a way, each day that I don't know is another day of "normal", just being me. I shared with a friend today, that I didn't know who I would be when this is all done. Sometimes I think I'll be the one titty lady, other times I think as long as I have this cancer that I'm the lady with the tainted titty. When I attended the group thearpy session at the American Cancer Society, after surgery and treatment, they refer to the "new normal".
I have three cousins with breast cancer. Each of them cope differently with it. One of them told me this past weekend to keep my chin up and don't let it get to me. Her attitude is that she is alive and life goes on. The other is older and quiet. And the other one speaks about it but when she does, you can see the pain behind her eyes. I wonder what they see when they see me and talk to me. Well I'm the youngest of three, not that that makes much of a difference except that I have younger children who are traveling the journey beside me. I wonder how did we get breast cancer, is it really a gene? Is it in the food? Is it in the water? Is it in the medicines we take? Who knows. It seems that breast cancer is becoming as common as the common cold. The treatment however is much more drastic.
I think of loosing a body part, a limb and think even that would be difficult. Loosing a breast is like loosing a part of your sexuality, do we become asexual. Ah, now there's a term. We have transexuals, homosexuals, heterosexuals and those born with both sexes. Now breast cancer could create a new breed...asexuals. Yeah I know that seems far fetched but I tell you it goes through your mind. I shared with a male friend that I had breast cancer and he like Tyler said just get rid of both of them, they serve no real purpose anyway. I liked his somewhat objective view and the thought that he would not see me any differently with breast or breast-less is okay with him. Is it okay with me? I wonder what it will be like after surgery. Well all in due time.
My friend Erica said to me today, that she thinks I've been handling this situation exceptionally well. I really don't know if she is right or not. I think I'm handling it for now because I have no choice and because I have not seen the physical difference yet. Also, I more of a realist so there is no running away from it. I haven't shed any tears lately, so in that aspect I guess I'm handling it well. I get very nervous at times when I think about my future or when I think about the next medical procedure. Somestimes I can't eat and other times I want to eat everything....:) I guess that's pretty normal, huh!
Well tomorrow is Wednesday and most doctor's offices are closed on Wed. So, I guess I'll call for the results tomorrow.
Still Waiting...
I have three cousins with breast cancer. Each of them cope differently with it. One of them told me this past weekend to keep my chin up and don't let it get to me. Her attitude is that she is alive and life goes on. The other is older and quiet. And the other one speaks about it but when she does, you can see the pain behind her eyes. I wonder what they see when they see me and talk to me. Well I'm the youngest of three, not that that makes much of a difference except that I have younger children who are traveling the journey beside me. I wonder how did we get breast cancer, is it really a gene? Is it in the food? Is it in the water? Is it in the medicines we take? Who knows. It seems that breast cancer is becoming as common as the common cold. The treatment however is much more drastic.
I think of loosing a body part, a limb and think even that would be difficult. Loosing a breast is like loosing a part of your sexuality, do we become asexual. Ah, now there's a term. We have transexuals, homosexuals, heterosexuals and those born with both sexes. Now breast cancer could create a new breed...asexuals. Yeah I know that seems far fetched but I tell you it goes through your mind. I shared with a male friend that I had breast cancer and he like Tyler said just get rid of both of them, they serve no real purpose anyway. I liked his somewhat objective view and the thought that he would not see me any differently with breast or breast-less is okay with him. Is it okay with me? I wonder what it will be like after surgery. Well all in due time.
My friend Erica said to me today, that she thinks I've been handling this situation exceptionally well. I really don't know if she is right or not. I think I'm handling it for now because I have no choice and because I have not seen the physical difference yet. Also, I more of a realist so there is no running away from it. I haven't shed any tears lately, so in that aspect I guess I'm handling it well. I get very nervous at times when I think about my future or when I think about the next medical procedure. Somestimes I can't eat and other times I want to eat everything....:) I guess that's pretty normal, huh!
Well tomorrow is Wednesday and most doctor's offices are closed on Wed. So, I guess I'll call for the results tomorrow.
Still Waiting...
Friday, October 10, 2008
Whew
The last two days have been grueling. I finally had the Biospy of the uterus. Mom, Babysister and I had to get up around 3:30 AM to get to Good Samaritan Hospital for a 7 AM start time. I picked up Babysister and Mom at about 4:15 AM. We arrived at Good Sam around 4:53 AM. I was registered by Diwana whom I think I recall meeting from a previous visit at the Hospital. I registerd and was taken back to the surgery suite, Mom and Babysister went with me. My nurse's name was Joyce, she had a great personality and she was funny. She kept us laughing. She graduated from Thorton Highschool in Harvey. She shared her highschool memories with us, it was nice because she helped me to relax. I had to get undressed and put on a hospital gown. I'm getting tired of this undressing, it seems my tail and my breast are always hanging out. It makes me want to scream (leave me alone) give me some privacy, I can do it all by self, after all I'm a big girl. But instead I just deal with it. They gave me two pills to swallow which they said would help to prevent nausea from the anesthesia. Then they took me to x-ray for a chest x-ray. It seemed that even the x-ray tech felt for me and my body parts that were hanging out. He tied my gown together for me so that most of me was covered up that is after he had me get out of the top of the gown for the xray. Then back to the waiting area. It was freezing, they gave me heated blankets, but poor Mom and Babysister were freezing. The anesthesologist came to talk to me, he assured me when I woke up I would not be groggy but up and ready to complete my day. My Dr. came in and talked to me, he wanted to make sure I knew why he was doing the Biospy and the DNC. Then the moment can, off to the OR. I remember being wheeled in, they were having trouble guiding the gurney but eventually we made it. They put the gurney next to the OR table and I scouted myself over. The next thing I knew I was in recovery and a nurse was making notes in my chart. I was sitting up. I talked with them for what seemed like 15 or 20 minutes and then I was up and riding in a wheel chair back to my room. Mom and Babysister were missing in action. I sat and watched TV and shortly after they were there. I went to the bathroom, got dressed came back and we went home. One down and one to go. When I got home, I laid down. Tyler made breakfast for me, I was starved. I ate, I slept. Later, Mom wanted me to eat but I was hungry. She tries so hard and I feel like I'm being a difficult patient but I'm doing what I need to to keep we strong mentally and physically. I came out of it okay I guess; I have a hughe bruise on my but, now how they managed that I don't know. I'll just call it after effects of the biospy. My jaw line is extremely sore as well. I suppose while I was out they had tie the oxgen mask relly tight. Important thing is...I'm still here and as my friend Maria would say "still kicking but not high".
The doctor did say he didn't see anything but we will have to wait for the pathology report to confirm that. I'm telling you "menopause really is a bitch" So, I believe all to be well in this area, now back to the breast.
Today we were up at 5 Am so that we could make it to Highland Park Hospital. Mom had prepared breakfast for me. I was a bad patient again. I didn't eat. I wasn't hungry, I don't usually eat that early even if I'm up and eating with a nervous stomach doesn't feel so good, so I didn't eat. I know that I hurt her feelings and I don't mean to, but as I said I have to do what I can for myself to stay strongh and able to deal with these medical procedures. Today I had an another MRI and bisopsy of the breast. It was quite different than what they did before. First I was allowed to get undressed by myself and the gown covered me up. My naked body parts were not hanging out. An IV was started (they had a little trouble finding the vein). The nurse missed the vein on Monday during pre-op blood work and now here again today, theywere fishing around trying to get a vein. They had to use a special needle to track down the vein. Thank God for a high tolerance to pain....still I'm tired of them missing. They then took me into the room where the MRI machine was waiting. I climbed on board. I laid face down with my boobs hanging through a hole on the table. My face was in a cradle, pretty much like on a massage table. There was a mirror beneath the cradle for the face so that I could see what was going on in the room. When they pushed me into the machine, it made me a little dizzy but I just closed my eyes and relaxed. They took a few scans, then they pulled me out. They then shot dye into the IV and pushed me back in for more scans. Then and here's the new part. While on the table, they worked from the side and below the table. They gave me a shot in my breast which numbed the breast. It didn't really hurt, it was a burning and stinging feeling. They then used a needle with a type of vacuum, they cut tissue in the brest and then used the vacuum to suck out the tissue and the blood, they also placed a metal clip in the breast and back into the MRI machine for more scans. It's funny what bothered me most was that my forehead was getting numb from laying face down on the face cradle. Go figure! When it was all done, my breast was bleeding quite a bit. They put pressure on the breast to stop the bleeding. They put a steri -strip over the incision and off to mammography. Yep for a mamograph. They didn't have to squeeze my breast so tight/flat because they have these new digital machines, so no pain. Then I was able to get dressed by myself and I was hungry! We stopped so Mom and Babysister could do a little shopping and then off to Leona's for food. I had a salad and pasta, it was good. I am going to get so fat during this process, well I'll worry about that later. I will get results of both biospy's mid week next week. I just want to be well. I'm tired. And, no doctor appointments next week, yea.
I'm praying for good news. Both of the girls are gone this weekend. The house is quiet but it feels good. I slept most of the evening and that felt good too. I'm going through the motions, it's real but it's not. Gotta go; tired just need to sleep so I get back to normal schedule.
The doctor did say he didn't see anything but we will have to wait for the pathology report to confirm that. I'm telling you "menopause really is a bitch" So, I believe all to be well in this area, now back to the breast.
Today we were up at 5 Am so that we could make it to Highland Park Hospital. Mom had prepared breakfast for me. I was a bad patient again. I didn't eat. I wasn't hungry, I don't usually eat that early even if I'm up and eating with a nervous stomach doesn't feel so good, so I didn't eat. I know that I hurt her feelings and I don't mean to, but as I said I have to do what I can for myself to stay strongh and able to deal with these medical procedures. Today I had an another MRI and bisopsy of the breast. It was quite different than what they did before. First I was allowed to get undressed by myself and the gown covered me up. My naked body parts were not hanging out. An IV was started (they had a little trouble finding the vein). The nurse missed the vein on Monday during pre-op blood work and now here again today, theywere fishing around trying to get a vein. They had to use a special needle to track down the vein. Thank God for a high tolerance to pain....still I'm tired of them missing. They then took me into the room where the MRI machine was waiting. I climbed on board. I laid face down with my boobs hanging through a hole on the table. My face was in a cradle, pretty much like on a massage table. There was a mirror beneath the cradle for the face so that I could see what was going on in the room. When they pushed me into the machine, it made me a little dizzy but I just closed my eyes and relaxed. They took a few scans, then they pulled me out. They then shot dye into the IV and pushed me back in for more scans. Then and here's the new part. While on the table, they worked from the side and below the table. They gave me a shot in my breast which numbed the breast. It didn't really hurt, it was a burning and stinging feeling. They then used a needle with a type of vacuum, they cut tissue in the brest and then used the vacuum to suck out the tissue and the blood, they also placed a metal clip in the breast and back into the MRI machine for more scans. It's funny what bothered me most was that my forehead was getting numb from laying face down on the face cradle. Go figure! When it was all done, my breast was bleeding quite a bit. They put pressure on the breast to stop the bleeding. They put a steri -strip over the incision and off to mammography. Yep for a mamograph. They didn't have to squeeze my breast so tight/flat because they have these new digital machines, so no pain. Then I was able to get dressed by myself and I was hungry! We stopped so Mom and Babysister could do a little shopping and then off to Leona's for food. I had a salad and pasta, it was good. I am going to get so fat during this process, well I'll worry about that later. I will get results of both biospy's mid week next week. I just want to be well. I'm tired. And, no doctor appointments next week, yea.
I'm praying for good news. Both of the girls are gone this weekend. The house is quiet but it feels good. I slept most of the evening and that felt good too. I'm going through the motions, it's real but it's not. Gotta go; tired just need to sleep so I get back to normal schedule.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Moving Forward
Well the day for the biospy of the uterus has arrived. I have to be at Good Samaritan Hospital at 5 AM. Father God, I pray that there will be no cancer, and no complications. I'm not afraid, the anxiety has decreased and I think I will be able to sleep atleast until 4 AM. I hope the anesthesia will not make me sick and I hope that I can sleep it off pretty quickly. I need to recover quickly because I am scheduled for another procedure on Friday morning at Highland Park Hospital. Mom and Baby Sister are going with me to both procedures and both will have to get up at the crack of dawn with me. They are the lucky ones and I appreciate their support. So, should know for sure lumpectomy or mastectomy by the end of next week. I pray that my Dr. is correct and that I may be able to get rid of the cancer and keep my breast. Funny how we get attached to body parts! :)
I have had so many dr. appointments, everyone is confused about which procedure, which doctor and when. I keep track of it on my calendar and I take notes in a notebook. I really don't have to write it down, each step is etched into my memory as I continue to ask myself if this is really real.
I'm a bit on the tired so I will go to bed early tonight. I will pray myself to sleep and face the day with renewed strength.
I had a chance to spend some time with Ann on Monday. It was good to see her, we don't get to see her often. She always helps me see things logically. She is another awsome friend. There are so many and I am so thankful. I have no words for Ms. JoAnn, just expressions of love! I spoke with cousin Gwen she's been through a cancer episode herself and understands my faith and my fears. Mom took me grocery shopping today, I'm looking forward to chicken noodle and candy yams and cornbread, yeah buddy looking forward to Mom's home cooking!
I thank God for such a wonderful support system and I appreciate all of the prayers on my behalf. As I move forward, I know that God is my strength, my healer, he controls the hands of the surgeons and treatment from all the other doctors. He will get me through this using the service of my family and friends. We're moving forward and as I go I already have a wonderful testimony to share!
Two procedures in to days, overwhelming but glad to be moving forward toward the "new normal".
I have had so many dr. appointments, everyone is confused about which procedure, which doctor and when. I keep track of it on my calendar and I take notes in a notebook. I really don't have to write it down, each step is etched into my memory as I continue to ask myself if this is really real.
I'm a bit on the tired so I will go to bed early tonight. I will pray myself to sleep and face the day with renewed strength.
I had a chance to spend some time with Ann on Monday. It was good to see her, we don't get to see her often. She always helps me see things logically. She is another awsome friend. There are so many and I am so thankful. I have no words for Ms. JoAnn, just expressions of love! I spoke with cousin Gwen she's been through a cancer episode herself and understands my faith and my fears. Mom took me grocery shopping today, I'm looking forward to chicken noodle and candy yams and cornbread, yeah buddy looking forward to Mom's home cooking!
I thank God for such a wonderful support system and I appreciate all of the prayers on my behalf. As I move forward, I know that God is my strength, my healer, he controls the hands of the surgeons and treatment from all the other doctors. He will get me through this using the service of my family and friends. We're moving forward and as I go I already have a wonderful testimony to share!
Two procedures in to days, overwhelming but glad to be moving forward toward the "new normal".
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Children
I am sure that this breast cancer journey is hard on Breyen and Tyler. Both girls are dealing with the journey differently. Breyen avoids the subject; she doesn't ask questions she just waits to hear information. Breyen is 19 and from what I hear from other parents she's in a another world and she'll be back in about 3 years. However, right now she is really stressing me out. She seems to think that I am responsible for schedule and that I should make myself available when her schedule calls for my assistance. I keep telling her that she is responsible for her own schedule. She let me know that she does not ask how I am doing because she doesn't hear me ask how she is doing. I didn't know the magnitude of her selfishness until today. If I ask her to clean she won't, if I ask her to pick up she won't, yet she expects that I will make myself available to take her to and from school and work. She really makes me feel like she doesn't care what I'm going through. Up until my conversation with her today, I had had no pain. Now my right breast has been hurting all day. I know I'm stressed. Bree really took me over the edge today. I know she has to deal with this the way she needs to, but I would appreciate not being the bulls eye. She thinks I do more for others specifically Tyler than I do for her. I told her it's time to grow up. This is reality and she isn't there yet. I know I still have to be the parent and understand her perspective but it was mighty painful today. But, I love her and as a parent I can do no more than that!
Tyler is doing okay I think. I see a little sadness every once in a while but for the most part she is going on with her senior activities. My guess is that she carries a little cloud over her head. She too like Breyen does not really help out around the house. Keeping the house clean is a sore spot for me with both of the girls, it seems I may win the breast cancer battle before I win this one. Ferlando told me to let it go, but it bothers me and keeps my stress level spiked at all times. Did I raise these young women? I did, and I raised them to be neat and clean but I guess when they hang out in that other world, those qualities are not needed.
I also have a lot of other issues that I'm dealing with so maybe I'm taking things out on them, but I don't think so. They need to do better. They're old enough, they have the values, but maybe like me they stressed as well.
I always pray for them but I will ask God to give them peace.
Tyler is doing okay I think. I see a little sadness every once in a while but for the most part she is going on with her senior activities. My guess is that she carries a little cloud over her head. She too like Breyen does not really help out around the house. Keeping the house clean is a sore spot for me with both of the girls, it seems I may win the breast cancer battle before I win this one. Ferlando told me to let it go, but it bothers me and keeps my stress level spiked at all times. Did I raise these young women? I did, and I raised them to be neat and clean but I guess when they hang out in that other world, those qualities are not needed.
I also have a lot of other issues that I'm dealing with so maybe I'm taking things out on them, but I don't think so. They need to do better. They're old enough, they have the values, but maybe like me they stressed as well.
I always pray for them but I will ask God to give them peace.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Quiet
I got good news on Friday, news that I may be able to keep at least a portion of my right breast. The news brought tears of joy to my loved family and friends. Since I got and spread the news a quiet has come over me. Am I in shock? Maybe. I don't know. I wonder what's yet to come, I'm feeling like this thing just might go away and God will have me beat breast cancer as so many other women have. And yet....there's this quiet. Perhaps it's because of the biospy of the uterus yet to come. I really don't want to do this but I know I need to be checked thoroughly for other cancers that are usually combined with breast cancer. Also, I'm not feeling too good. I have this light headed feeling almost like I'm dizzy but I'm not. My energy level is down but I keep going. I wonder what the doctor will tell me about next steps with the breast, and I want to scream at my OB/Gyn and tell him to find someone else to pick on. My allergies are bad right now, it makes sick to think of the coughing and post nasal drip because for almost a year I was good, so why have they reared their ugly heads now? My girls have no clue what any of this is like for me and I don't really think they care. And in a lot of ways I'm glad. Now is that me feeling sorry for myself? After all I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've been battling to keep Breyen since Louis and I split, my fiances have been in the dumps since the divorce which after a three year battle was finalized in Oct. 2006. I spent 23 years trying to be a good wife and 19 trying to be a good mother. Angie told me I've been a good wife and mother, seems to me I've made a mess of it all. I was hit by a car on Easter Sunday in 2006 (April 16), and now this....and I'm sure if I live long enough there will be more. I often think..."Can I buy a break?" In the beginining of the breast cancer journey, I felt like the tazmanian devil, I just wanted to spin out of control. Now, there's just the quiet. I'm quiet, I have no logic, I'm just holding on to quiet strength. My grandmother had that kind of quiet strength. This quiet is different than the lull before the storm....maybe this is my break!
The Quiet
I got good news on Friday, news that I may be able to keep at least a portion of my right breast. The news brought tears of joy to my loved family and friends. Since I got and spread the news a quiet has come over me. Am I in shock? Maybe. I don't know. I wonder what's yet to come, I'm feeling like this thing just might go away and God will have me beat breast cancer as so many other women have. And yet....there's this quiet. Perhaps it's because of the biospy of the uterus yet to come. I really don't want to do this but I know I need to be checked thoroughly for other cancers that are usually combined with breast cancer. Also, I'm not feeling too good. I have this light headed feeling almost like I'm dizzy but I'm not. My energy level is down but I keep going. I wonder what the doctor will tell me about next steps with the breast, and I want to scream at my OB/Gyn and tell him to find someone else to pick on. My allergies are bad right now, it makes sick to think of the coughing and post nasal drip because for almost a year I was good, so why have they reared their ugly heads now? My girls have no clue what any of this is like for me and I don't really think they care. And in a lot of ways I'm glad. Now is that me feeling sorry for myself? After all I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've been battling to keep Breyen since Louis and I split, my fiances have been in the dumps since the divorce which after a three year battle was finalized in Oct. 2006. I spent 23 years trying to be a good wife and 19 trying to be a good mother. Angie told me I've been a good wife and mother, seems to me I've made a mess of it all. I was hit by a car on Easter Sunday in 2006 (April 16), and now this....and I'm sure if I live long enough there will be more. I often think..."Can I buy a break?" In the beginining of the breast cancer journey, I felt like the tazmanian devil, I just wanted to spin out of control. Now, there's just the quiet. I'm quiet, I have no logic, I'm just holding on to quiet strength. My grandmother had that kind of quiet strength. This quiet is different than the lull before the storm....maybe this is my break!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Thank You Father God
Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Amen, Amen, Amen
I have good news but before I share the good news, I need each of you to understand "A Letter From A Friend" The letter from a friend was from the heart, sincere and good. It contains a most awesome prayer, one plan to carry with me to the hospital. Trust me, it was all good!
Now to good news. I got a call today from the nurse at the Plastic surgeons office indicating that surgery for the mastsectomy has been scheduled for Oct. 13, 2008. Fear ran through my veins instantly. Then I was calm because the real reality is now just a little over a week away. Then about a half hour later, the Surgeon called to say after viewing the films from the MRI the tumor is not as widespread as they thought and we may be able to save the breast. God is so good. He told me he would schedule a different type of biospy and determine what type of surgery will be needed. Keep the prayers flowing. I called to tell my mother, she was elated. I called my sister, I could hear the relief in her voice, I told Peewee and I could hear the tears flowing, I told Angie and she cried and cried tears of joy, I told BabySister and the awesome love for the God we serve overflowed. Initially when I heard the news I didn't cry and I really didn't resp0nd to the Dr. The Dr. said are you interested in Saving the Breast? I told him this is really good news. I think I was in shock. Then I began to thank and phrase God!
It seems I would have so much more to say, but I don't because I feel at peace. I do still have the have the biospy of the uterus, so continue to pray for healing.
I'm trying to express how I feel, but there are no words, just know that God can see what's in my heart. I am so thankful!
I have good news but before I share the good news, I need each of you to understand "A Letter From A Friend" The letter from a friend was from the heart, sincere and good. It contains a most awesome prayer, one plan to carry with me to the hospital. Trust me, it was all good!
Now to good news. I got a call today from the nurse at the Plastic surgeons office indicating that surgery for the mastsectomy has been scheduled for Oct. 13, 2008. Fear ran through my veins instantly. Then I was calm because the real reality is now just a little over a week away. Then about a half hour later, the Surgeon called to say after viewing the films from the MRI the tumor is not as widespread as they thought and we may be able to save the breast. God is so good. He told me he would schedule a different type of biospy and determine what type of surgery will be needed. Keep the prayers flowing. I called to tell my mother, she was elated. I called my sister, I could hear the relief in her voice, I told Peewee and I could hear the tears flowing, I told Angie and she cried and cried tears of joy, I told BabySister and the awesome love for the God we serve overflowed. Initially when I heard the news I didn't cry and I really didn't resp0nd to the Dr. The Dr. said are you interested in Saving the Breast? I told him this is really good news. I think I was in shock. Then I began to thank and phrase God!
It seems I would have so much more to say, but I don't because I feel at peace. I do still have the have the biospy of the uterus, so continue to pray for healing.
I'm trying to express how I feel, but there are no words, just know that God can see what's in my heart. I am so thankful!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Consultant with The Plastic Surgeon
I met the plastic surgeon today. He's a nice looking polish man. In fact he knows my allergist. His credentials speak volumes. I hope he is as good as the credentials indicate. His office certainly looks like sucess. Anyway, after my conversation with him, it seems that there will be no tummy tuck for me. The Dr. actually said I was too skinny. Can you imagine that? I've been working on getting rid of my tummy for as long as I can remember, yet he told me I didn't have enough belly fat. I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around that one. He indicated that I could go with the tummy tuck method but the reconstructed breast would need to be smaller and my other breast would need to be augmented (reduced) to match the reconstructed breast. Well now most of yall know that I just claim an "A" cup, doesn't mean I can fill it up...LOL! My other choice would be implants, but that would require extenders to stretch the skin which can be painful and would take longer (more procedures to complete). The other choice is to take the skin from my back, which I really did't want to do. I've never had much upper body strength and my right shoulder often aches anyway, so I'm afraid I would have more pain later in life. However, the plastic surgeon felt that the back flap would be the best method for me since I'm such a little thing. Crazy! Just Crazy! This "little thing" is blowing my mind, I can't get my mind around it. I mean America's Top Models are skinny, I do not have a models' body. So, I asked the surgeon how is it that skinny people (for real skinny people) get boob jobs that make them bigger. He explained that they simply get implants, they haven't had a mastsectomy so they have the skin needed for the bigger boobs. He further explained that I will not be able to get double "D's" or anything to big because even using the skin and muscle from the back there is just not enough fat to go much bigger. I told him that as a girl growing up I always prayed not to have big boobs and I still don't want big boobs. He told me that I will heal quicker with this method as well and spend a day or two fewer in the hospital. I am disappointed, after all if you have to go through this, there would be value added in getting a tummy tuck. Of course he can still do a tuck after all is said and done because he won't need fat for any thing. Oh well. He also thinks I will face less risk of complications. I am going with his recommendation.
He then had the nurse come in and allow me to try on some boobs to determine what size my breast will be after the operation. It was weird but oddly enough fun. My Mom and Babysister were there with me through the exam and everything. I wonder what they are thinking...it's scary for me watching all of this go on (as if I'm a outsider looking in...Ha, I wish). But I wonder whatg they are thinking really. I will have scars when it's all done one on my back and one long one across the reconstucted breast and a small one on the augmented breast. After the talk and the exam, the doctor took pictures of my breast to be added to the boob photo album in his office. Guest I will have to take pictures 0n my ownand create a scrap book of memories of myself with two real boobs! Well now at least it seems that things will begin to move. Possible surgery dates are Oct. 13, Oct. 17 or Oct. 20. I'll let you know. Just remember and keep praying that the biospy of uterus shows no cancer and that there is no cancer in the lymp nodes. I remain strong in my faith, I continue to pray for healing. My next question who will I be after surgery, I know I will be me but will I be profoundly different? Am I already profoundly different?
He then had the nurse come in and allow me to try on some boobs to determine what size my breast will be after the operation. It was weird but oddly enough fun. My Mom and Babysister were there with me through the exam and everything. I wonder what they are thinking...it's scary for me watching all of this go on (as if I'm a outsider looking in...Ha, I wish). But I wonder whatg they are thinking really. I will have scars when it's all done one on my back and one long one across the reconstucted breast and a small one on the augmented breast. After the talk and the exam, the doctor took pictures of my breast to be added to the boob photo album in his office. Guest I will have to take pictures 0n my ownand create a scrap book of memories of myself with two real boobs! Well now at least it seems that things will begin to move. Possible surgery dates are Oct. 13, Oct. 17 or Oct. 20. I'll let you know. Just remember and keep praying that the biospy of uterus shows no cancer and that there is no cancer in the lymp nodes. I remain strong in my faith, I continue to pray for healing. My next question who will I be after surgery, I know I will be me but will I be profoundly different? Am I already profoundly different?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Letter From A Friend
To I received a letter from my friend Shanita. I call her Nee and she calls me Tee. We met in 1977 over the summer before going to college. We were introduced to each other by my Aunt (BabySister). It turned out that our birthdays were just one day apart. We were college room mates. Nee has had a lot of drama in her life, in fact, I think she should write a book, I'm sure the book would sell maybe hit the best seller list. I've always thought of Nee as one of God's special angels, her faith has been strong and steadfast. God has always seen her through, she's wise, she's smart, she's eccentric :), she is Nee.
Today I received a letter from Nee and in that letter she shared her fear of losing me to breast cancer, it brought tears to my eyes. She couldn't explain why but she is very fearful that she will lose her life long friend. It's scary for me to hear that she has this fear because she has always had a sixth sense and is usually pretty accurate. It's one of the things we both have had in common over the years, this sixth sense if you will. We've known of deaths and other events that have taken place in our lives before others, we've been able to accurately predict some things that were yet to come. And if I'm honest, I have thought about dying. Shanita also prays an awesome prayer for my God to preserve my life. It's funny, I have so many good friends, I have three that I have been friends with for over thirty years. I've wondered now if I will be the first to go. When I look back I think I had so many clues. I knew I needed to get my house in order but I kept procrastinating, now I see so clearly.
My dear friend Shanita, Breast Cancer has a battle on it's hands. I will not go down without a fight. My faith will be strong enough for the both of us this time. Your life long friend is planning more of a life time of friendship. Even if it happens that I am not here in the flesh, I will always be your friend. Your letter has also helped me to understand my mother's fear. I tell you both, I'm not going anywhere. I have a couple of male friends that opted out of my life and I think how lucky (smart) they were so that they don't have to live through this with me, but you Shanita I know you will be there ALWAYS! I love you friend, God has heard your prayer, he's not finished with me yet.
I went to a Breast Cancer Support meeting tonight. There were six other women there who have the same type of cancer that I have. They are all survivors, it sounds like some of them have been to hell and back, but God has kept them here. Remain prayerful and faithful,...I am.
I love you my friend and thank you for the letter and the powerful prayer!
Today I received a letter from Nee and in that letter she shared her fear of losing me to breast cancer, it brought tears to my eyes. She couldn't explain why but she is very fearful that she will lose her life long friend. It's scary for me to hear that she has this fear because she has always had a sixth sense and is usually pretty accurate. It's one of the things we both have had in common over the years, this sixth sense if you will. We've known of deaths and other events that have taken place in our lives before others, we've been able to accurately predict some things that were yet to come. And if I'm honest, I have thought about dying. Shanita also prays an awesome prayer for my God to preserve my life. It's funny, I have so many good friends, I have three that I have been friends with for over thirty years. I've wondered now if I will be the first to go. When I look back I think I had so many clues. I knew I needed to get my house in order but I kept procrastinating, now I see so clearly.
My dear friend Shanita, Breast Cancer has a battle on it's hands. I will not go down without a fight. My faith will be strong enough for the both of us this time. Your life long friend is planning more of a life time of friendship. Even if it happens that I am not here in the flesh, I will always be your friend. Your letter has also helped me to understand my mother's fear. I tell you both, I'm not going anywhere. I have a couple of male friends that opted out of my life and I think how lucky (smart) they were so that they don't have to live through this with me, but you Shanita I know you will be there ALWAYS! I love you friend, God has heard your prayer, he's not finished with me yet.
I went to a Breast Cancer Support meeting tonight. There were six other women there who have the same type of cancer that I have. They are all survivors, it sounds like some of them have been to hell and back, but God has kept them here. Remain prayerful and faithful,...I am.
I love you my friend and thank you for the letter and the powerful prayer!
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