My Biggest Fear

Most of my life and the prayers said in my life included asking God to allow me and my loved ones to be disease free and specifically cancer free. Well I'm living my biggest fear and I do want to live, but I have to tell you that this week I just felt like giving up. I have had so much support, I really don't want to give up on myself or those that love and support me, but I am tired of being sick. The chemo keeps me so nauseated and sick and I'm just tired of being sick. I guess I should say I'm sick and tired of being sick. The walls in the house are closing in no room feels good. I feel like I have no purpose. I'm a burden to Mom and I represent fear and abandonment to my children. I'm trying I swear I am but this is hard. I can't even put it in words. I'm mad at myself for being so weak. People around me say that I've been really strong and handling this well. I don't know what they see cause it's not what I'm feeling. I had my last chemo treatment 8 days ago and today my stomach is still flopping. I had a bowel movement today that was just full of chemo, the smell was the same as the taste in my mouth. Yuk I've gotten really mental, I hate going to the doctor because it just represents more sickness. I know it's suppose to be for a cure but I'm beginning to wonder is it worth it. I want my life back but I can't see the light at the end of he tunnel. Even if i get past this there's he knowledge that breast cancer can re-occur and even if I make it through can I do it a second time? I know there are many women out there that have survived and I want to be in that number, I just hope I'm strong enough to get there. I'm still pushing, still trying, but I'm just one big tear drop right now. Even the doctor looks at me with sadness in his eyes, he's used everything in his arsenal to help with neusea; nothing has worked. I have heartburn, indigestion and very little sits well in my stomach. I keep eating though, for the first time since I started this I lost weight. They, who is they...the doctors, nurses, etc. tell me the next four treatments may not be as bad. I have no faith in what they say. Each time they give me the 1 in 1000, I'm he one! I'm trying to remember what Mel told me about living for today because tomorrow is not promised, despite me having Cancer or anyone else. Right now though I just feel like a failure, it seems as it as been implied that I am a wuss when it comes to chemo, I think I've failed my children (I did try to be a good mother), I've failed at my career...I could just scream because I know that I have truly been blessed, I'm so much better off than others and I know things could be worst, but it just doesn't make me feel better at this moment. I think God is even mad at me for being so weak but I don't know any other way to handle it at this point. I could go on and on about what's inside and it cannot come out in words I can only shed the tears. Well JoAnne I had my thirty minute pity party today :). Let's hope I don't have a hang over tomorrow.

Holla

Four Down and Four to Go

I keep telling myself that each chemo treatment will get better. In some ways I guess it does because I try to positive about it. In reality they're just tough. I watch and talk to other patients who do not have the problems with neusea and dryness that I have and I keep thinking it will get better. Well I have four treatments behind me and four to go. The next chemo is Taxol and so I will have to wait to see how this effects me. I'm praying for healing and relief and of course constantly healing for no side effects.

I thought this morning that he most difficult job I've ever had parenting. I thought for a moment that this experience with breast cancer tops it all, but it actually does not. Parenting is still harder but this experience is a close second.

I didn't make it to the club this time, I was on my butt. I think will have to plan for that until this is done.

Not much more to say at this point. Mom's been keeping me fed and takes me back and forth to chemo and hydration. She's still frustruated with the girls and doesn't have very many nice things to say to them. It hurts but I just try to remain calm and use my energy to through chemo.

Talk at cha later!

I went to Church today

I pulled my courage together after Tyler looked at me like I was crazy for my reason for not going to church. I'm glad I went, it felt good and I felt good. Rev and Carolyn are going to the Inaugration, so exciting. I can remember the Civil Rights movement and how hard it was on blacks so I could not imagine that I would see anyone of any race or gender than white and male. With all of the excitment over the movement that will officially put a black man in office two days from now, personally there was a damper on it. On Nov. 4 I was recovering from surgery and had unpleasant words with my mother and on Tues. when he IngAugration takes place I will be sitting in an chemo chair. The upside to that of curse is the being cured of breast cancer. I think Non Violent Martin Luther King would have liked No Drama Obama. I ask Rev to bring me a picture of he and Carolyn, they always look so good together and I know on that day they will look like royalty and I'm looking forward to putting that in my scrap book.

Later today, I went to a birthday brunch for JoAnne's 50th birthday. The food was good and he company even better. But I have to tell you I had the bigges laugh. I was talking to my friend Joyce and I was laughing at somehing she said. I put my head back and laughed off flew my wig. I was shocked, I put my hand over my head and I whispered to Joyce " My hair is on the floor". It was hilarious. Joyce had not even noticed it until I whispered to her. She recovered quickly and told me to get behind her to pick up. I got behind her and picked it up. I put it back on my head really quickly. And then the Ms. JoAnne the birthday girl comes up and saids "girl you need to take a trip to bathroom and comb your hair. By that time Tyler looked at me and I told her what happened. She said thank God I didn't see it fall because I would have hollered. We all had a good laugh, probably the best laugh I've had since this all started. I'm glad I was with friends and that we could all laugh. Well Rev. I guess the hair looks okay, I just need to learn to keep the hair on my head.

Well tomorrow is chemo #4. Holla at yall tomorrow!

Anxious

I haven't felt like blogging much lately. The subject matter doesn't seem to change. However, I remind myself that the subject matter is the reason for the blog. The only thing that I can tell you at this point is that I have a lot of anxiety because I know the dreadful feeling that chemo will bring and I'm dreading it. Yet I'm getting anxious because the next treatment will put me at the half way mark. I need to get back to work so that I am not facing foreclosure on my home, in the near future, yet I realize that the chemo won't allow me to work. So I'm trying to put together a plan with a timeline for renewing my job search. I keep telling myself that 2.3 million women have survived breast cancer in the US and I'm looking forward to being in that number but so much goes into it, so it's easier said than done. I'm not a person who likes to sit around and this house and these walls and even my own bed are starting to drive me crazy. Mom spends much of her time cooking for me and trying to make sure that I eat. So I eat and I eat, I'm actually tired of eating. I eat things now that I would never eat before. I worry about eating sugar because my reading tell me that sugar feeds cancer. I love sugar. Mom brought me Ensure which I don't even want to entertain drinking. Drinking is hard for me. I think I figured out why. I've had heartburn and Indigestion these last couple of weeks another reason my stomach stays so up set. I figured that out when I called the Dr. this week to get some help with Mouth sores. They gave me a cocktail of Lanacane, Benadryl and Malox. Not only did it help he mouth sores, it also settled my stomach.

I went to the club today and I was feeling pretty dry. I drank five or six bottles of water today along with some Gatorade and did not have to go potty. That's seriously dry. It let's me know that changing my chemo day to Mondays is probably a good decision because that gives me all week to go back to the Dr. for IV fluids.

I want to go to church. I can't make up my mind to go and I'm not sure why. I go out other places and I've even been to other churches. Tyler asked me why I couldn't make up my mind to go and I told her I was afraid of catching a cold. I don't know I will have t0 pray on it and find the courage.

Tyler cleaned house today and Breyen has gone back to some of her old ways. I just keep praying.

It's late so I suppose I should go to bed so If I decide to go to church I can get up.

Holla

I Saw Tyler Last Night and Played Peak a boo w Breyen

Last night the girls and I had so much fun. We watched American Idol, played music and danced. I was Tyler last night as the person she really is. She performed for us danced and flipped and her laughter filled the house. Even Breyen joined in and laughed and cracked a few jokes. It was nice to see and hear, probably the most fun we've had in this house for a while. Tyler even taught me how to do the Bird Walk. We watched it on line, then turned on some music and got busy. They love to see me dance, they say I dance better as I get older. Endorphins were flying all over the place and it was wonderful. Clara called just as we were settling down and even she sounded like her endorphins were flying we share some good jokes and lots of laughs.

Well today I went to physical thearpy. I love physical thearpy and my physical thearpist.
She's a lot of fun, we were out and laugh a lot while we're doing it.

Today, the blue Tyler returned. I tried pushing her more so that she will make a decision about school and I think that may have depressed her more. I just don't want to see her miss her blessings. She told me she didn't really want to go to college. I told her was okay, but she still had to have a plan to develop a skill set that will allow her to work and support herself. Well in the end she got another application this time to Howard. I told her to narrow some things down and we could visit a few colleges.

Anyway, Chemo is Monday. My stomach is not queasy but it feels like it could be at any minute. I think a lot of it at this time is mental for me. Again thiw is he last of the two chemo drugs and Monday will put me half way done. The next drug they say will cause less neusea but more pain, bone pain to be specific and there's nothing they can give to ease the pain. I'm just praying. I do also have a few mouth sores. I got mouth wash today, but I haven't used it yet, it looks yukky! Tomorrow I have to go in for a heart monitor because I've been having heart palpatations; so I must venture out into the cold.

Yall all stay warm. Love you!

Holla

Mommy I'm so Sad

Last night Tyler said to me "Mommy I'm so sad" and it broke my heart. I put my arms arounds her and told her that I did not want her to be sad. It brought tears to my eyes. I had noticed that she had been sleeping a lot lately and eating constantly. Well I know that sleeping is a sign of depression and she's doing what I call "feeding my feelings". I told myself that I am still a parent her mother and that I am suppose to be able to do something to make things better. Tyler has always been the carefree one, the one who laughs alot, she's silly and loves to have fun. I admire that in her because I've always been so focused that I think I forget myself how to have fun. Although I must admit I had a ball last year in Hawaii. I feel so bad for Tyler because it's her senior year and my illness has put a damper on that. We looked her her track schedule tonight and it seems that I will miss two of her indoor track meets. Hopefully, I'll make the others. I hope she has an awesome season and that I'm there see it. I'm planning to be there to see as much as I possibly can. Mel told me to stop putting things off until I'm better because tomorrow is not promised to any of us. She told me live for the moment. It brough tears to my eyes but I plan to do just that. I can say that now while the neusea is at bay, but I do realize it is true. God has given me so much already, so I have nothing to fear. My famous words, "it is what it is!

My stomach is better today, the heightened sense of smell has decreased, I have few gray hairs growing long on my head but they continue to fall out of course. Chemo again next Monday. I changed the date from next Thursday to Monday so that I can get hydration. The IV fluids seem to help.

Chris took Ellen and I out for our birthdays today. She is a special angel. Thanks Chris. Stephanie called me and talked to me as if we grew up together. I look forward to getting to know her better. Mom I love you. Breyen spent the day with me today taking me to three different doctor appointments, she was very patient and it was very nice to spend some time with her We talked just a little about her getting herself together. Her friend Brittany is going away I hope, they've been good friends since the third grade but right now they are not good for each other. Maybe the time away will allow them to grow up. I shared with her how hurtful her actions have been, she stepped up today. She brought stables and toiletries for he house today. Prayer is a powerful thing. Thanking God and greatful to be here.

Holla Yall! Much Love

Chemo Number 3 Three days later

Well, I'm still not feeling well, but I do feel better than last time. Mom was so w0rried, she kept saying you don't seem like you feel better...it's hard to explain. I feel sick but not as sick as last time. I have had hydration for three days and it did help. I was waiting for the 1, 2 punch it did finally come but still a milder version than before. I just wish it didn't last so long the sick feeling that is.

The girls have at least submitted to my request not to have people in and out of the house while I'm sick; somewhat. They have not complied to my request to keep the house clean. They spend a lot of time sleeping and then out of the house with work and or their friends. Mom can't stand it, she see's the girls treating me bad as we witnessed Louis with his Mom. I don't know maybe it's just a Burke gene or they really just don't do well with illness. I know it upsets Mom but she atleast separates herself from it because it makes her so angry. I do understand how she feels. For me, I'm just telling myself not to sweat the small stuff and look forward to getting well.

Mom had asked the girls to shovel the front step, but you know that didn't happen. Mom wound up doing it. Milan and Stephen did the driveway this morning. Thanks Milan and Stephen I truly appreciate it.

Cousin Annie get some rest!

Thanks Mom for everything....Love You!

Day after Chemo

I was able to go to the club this morning. I went to Panera to have a little breakfast and then I was able to go to he doctor like a big girl....all by myself. I got hydration and more anti neusea medication. It's almost 9 PM and I'm feeling pretty good. I came in from the doctor and put my PJ's on anticating the one two punch and so far I'm good. Thank God! Prayerfully tomorrow won't be too bad and I can start to recover soon. I will go in tomorrow for more hydration. Today I refused the steriod they put in the medication. I am getting so fat I feel like a stuffed Teddy Bear and you know it's worst when I try to get into my clothes. And in addition, I read up on the side effects of the steroid and it ain' t pretty, no wonder I was so sick last time. Some of the effects are hot flashes, neusea, hair loss, dizziness, lightheadness, just to name a few and last time I got the steroid intervenously and orally. I can't wait to get off this stuff.

Yesterday I got a couple of calls from church members. It was good to hear their encouraging words and personnel stories of encounters with others who survived breast cancer. I feel like I'm turning the corner heading toward recovery. I have 5 more treatments to go. I still have radiation to go and possibly more surgery, but I'm feeling encouraged.

I concentrating on getting fluids down. I don't know why it's so hard to drink, it just doesn't feel good to drink. So I'm having a popsicle right now that counts for fluids. I will try to get some water down tonight. I must because I want no more dehydration, that was not fun.

Hoping for a good day tomorrow...maybe he the kangeroo punch will give me a break.

Holla

Tomorrow is the third chemo treament

Well it took me 7 days to come back from the last chemo treatment. I'm hoping and praying that I can recover faster this time. Everyone has been so happy to hear me sound stronger look good with my new hair (shhhh...I'm bald) and make up. Well it feels wonderful to feel good, but let me tell you when it's bad it's bad. I think I over did it today, I feel kinda of wiped out right now; I will stay in the and rest tomorrow before chemo. ( I forget when I'm feeling good that I still have to pace myself.)This date was pushed back due to the New Year's holiday but I hope I can get back on the Thursday schedule. After tomorrow I will have one more of the two drug chemo mix, the second half of chemo treatment will be one drug and less neusea or so I have been told. Instead their is bone pain that they can do nothing about. Oh well.

I'll update you tomorrow.

New Year's Day

Today was good. I slept in. Mom and I went to the Health Club and walked a mile and a half. When I came home I convinced Tyler to ride with me to JoAnne's. I wore the wig that JoAnne bought for me in Philidelphia. It looks great. She did an execellent Job picking it out. I have not been able to pick one out on my own that looks as good. This one will be call "Dressy Hair". Dwayne (JoAnne's husband) told me to remember church is in me and to keep talking to God because surely he is the one that has brought me through. He said you really haven't missed a beat. He told me he talks more now than he ever has before and I'm glad he talked to me tonight and shared some words of wisdom!

Breyen called while I we were at JoAnne's claiming she was lonely and wanted me home. I asked her why because she does not spend time with me when she's home rather she sleeps and when Brittany calls she jumps and she's gone. We had good food at JoAnne's and we sat and talked. When Tyler and I got home, Bree was home and shortly thereafter left with Brittany. Case in point. Oh well.

Tyler wanted to go out and I told her no because she got in late last night. So guess what, I'm on my own, neither of the girls have much to say to me. Oh well....

Sleepy time...Holla!