My Biggest Fear

Most of my life and the prayers said in my life included asking God to allow me and my loved ones to be disease free and specifically cancer free. Well I'm living my biggest fear and I do want to live, but I have to tell you that this week I just felt like giving up. I have had so much support, I really don't want to give up on myself or those that love and support me, but I am tired of being sick. The chemo keeps me so nauseated and sick and I'm just tired of being sick. I guess I should say I'm sick and tired of being sick. The walls in the house are closing in no room feels good. I feel like I have no purpose. I'm a burden to Mom and I represent fear and abandonment to my children. I'm trying I swear I am but this is hard. I can't even put it in words. I'm mad at myself for being so weak. People around me say that I've been really strong and handling this well. I don't know what they see cause it's not what I'm feeling. I had my last chemo treatment 8 days ago and today my stomach is still flopping. I had a bowel movement today that was just full of chemo, the smell was the same as the taste in my mouth. Yuk I've gotten really mental, I hate going to the doctor because it just represents more sickness. I know it's suppose to be for a cure but I'm beginning to wonder is it worth it. I want my life back but I can't see the light at the end of he tunnel. Even if i get past this there's he knowledge that breast cancer can re-occur and even if I make it through can I do it a second time? I know there are many women out there that have survived and I want to be in that number, I just hope I'm strong enough to get there. I'm still pushing, still trying, but I'm just one big tear drop right now. Even the doctor looks at me with sadness in his eyes, he's used everything in his arsenal to help with neusea; nothing has worked. I have heartburn, indigestion and very little sits well in my stomach. I keep eating though, for the first time since I started this I lost weight. They, who is they...the doctors, nurses, etc. tell me the next four treatments may not be as bad. I have no faith in what they say. Each time they give me the 1 in 1000, I'm he one! I'm trying to remember what Mel told me about living for today because tomorrow is not promised, despite me having Cancer or anyone else. Right now though I just feel like a failure, it seems as it as been implied that I am a wuss when it comes to chemo, I think I've failed my children (I did try to be a good mother), I've failed at my career...I could just scream because I know that I have truly been blessed, I'm so much better off than others and I know things could be worst, but it just doesn't make me feel better at this moment. I think God is even mad at me for being so weak but I don't know any other way to handle it at this point. I could go on and on about what's inside and it cannot come out in words I can only shed the tears. Well JoAnne I had my thirty minute pity party today :). Let's hope I don't have a hang over tomorrow.

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