Lots of stuff

Well it's been a while since I've sat down to write in the blog. It's is not because I haven't thought about it but rather because my thoughts are everywhere and I didn't think I could make since of them on paper. However, I have decided to attempt to put my thoughts on paper or in the blog I guess I should say.

My last chemo treatment was March 2, 2009. Since that time I have been getting stronger and stronger and yet my energy level still is not where it was before chemo started. I go out and I can pretty much geth through whatever I am doing but when I come in I am either knocked out (asleep) or I just sit and don't move around much. Part of not moving also has to do with motivation. The house has become a different place for me. It's place where you're suppose to rest but then I can't get up and the walls tend to close in on me.

The House
The house is generally a mess. I've been trying to get movtivated to clean it up because even when the girls clean it, it just doesn't seem clean. So each day I try to do a little. Today for example I am washing and folding clothes that have been left on the utility room floor for over a month. Today I will finish that up. Tyler has been washing clothes but stuff remains in the floor and the utility room and getting her to put stuff way is a chore unless she wants to go somewhere or do something.

The power on the lower level of the house was out for about two weeks. I didn't know what I was going to do about that because my finances allow me to pay mortgage. cobra and car note. There's no room for repairs and other stuff not going well in the house. So I pray constantly that the the house will run well and that nothing will go wrong. However, when the power went out I decided not to worry and was starting to make the adjustment to not being able to use the lower level of the house at night. The garage door also was not working but thank goodness the car was not in the gargage when the power was lost. I called Darlene's cousin Butch who did some electrical work for me last year. He called his friend Lyndon and they came out a couple of times and got everything working. I didn't know how I was going to pay them and when I asked them how much I owed them, they told me the work was from their heart and that I didn't owe them a thing. Amazing, God is good and the two of them can never know just how grateful I am.

I often wonder how I can say "Thank You" beyond the words so that instensity of the heart felt gifts I have received are appreciated.

The Girls
The girls are doing well. Tyler is running better. It seems that a weight has been lifted from her sholders since chemo ended. I have been able to get out to her track mets. The one I didn't feel so well but I was determined to go and I'm glad I did. Since that time I've managed to get to evey meet. A couple of time my feet have been bothering me (the neropathy causes so much pain, I can barely walk). However, Darlene, Breyen and others have made sure that I've made the games.

We also got good news. The coach from U of I called to say they are offering Tyler a full ride. "Thank You Jesus". We're just waiting for the paper work so we can get it signed. In the mean time as most of you know; Tyler had her heart sat on going to Hampton. I had promised her that we could go see Hampton so that she would know if she would feel as if she missed out on somthing or not and if she still wanted to go after our visit, she would understand that she would have to work toward getting the the financial to make her attendance possible. I pray that God will show her the clear path and what works best for her. I had been looking at fare to get to Virginia and waited too late to get good pricing. I had asked Mom to use her credit card and then I thought just let me take a look at my United mileage. I knew I had no points but I also know that I accoumulate points with my debit card but I didn't thng I had many points and I didn't. I had 67 points and guess what it was enough to get us both there. God is good.

This weekend Tyler participated in the Indoor Track and Field Prep Top Times Championship. She came in 8th in the 55 witha a time of 7:29 and her 4 X 2 team came in 2nd. It does my heart good to see her compete and do well. I pray she will do even better in college and possibly the olympics one day but even without the olympics, it just a joy to see her compete. The only sad part is that her family does not take the time to come out to see her compete. Oh well, it doesn't bother her so I won't let it bother me.

We got Tyler's prom dress and now need to get it altered. Louis told me to get the dress and he would pay for atleast half. However, after I used bill money to get it, he decided that he could only spare $100. That man will never change. It took a lot to keep my stress level down. I refuse to allow him to adverses affect my health via stress. He's thinking about getting remarried and told me that his fiance cares about him and his children. He comes out to all of Tyler's track meets, gives her $20 here and there and helps Breyen here and there, yet he never comes through where it really counts. I reminded him that he saw his own mother go through breast cancer and heart disease and what it did to her financially. I should have known, he only offered his daughter $100 in spending money to half way around the world to Australia. Knock me up side the head she told me he didn't help her either, shortly thereafter she died. It's hard for me to keep going to court to force him to meet his financial obligations because I don't have the money for a lawyer. I trid doing it on my own (per se) but my health doesn't allow me to keep up the numerous court dates before a judge will make a decision and without a lawyer the dheecision is usually in his favor. I've not had good success in the legal arena but I will keep trying to find someone to help. Maybe one day he will just do the right thing. Funny in our recent conversation he pointed the finger at me for the divorce (he still can't figure out why that happened) I didn't explain!

Breyen is doing her thing. She is having some ah ha moments and I'm getting some peace. She talks to me everyday and I often hear her repeat a lot of things I've been trying to teach her a long the way. I continue to pray for God's angel's to protect her until she finds her place and settle's down so that the beautiful young women that I know and raised can shine through.

Mom
Mom and I had lunch last week. It was a quiet lunch. I think we are both finding a new place with our relationship. I know she worries about me and as I get better I pray that some of the worry will cease. Better yet I pray that the stress that she has in her life as a result of worrying about me will go away. We haven't been spending a lot of time together, as it seems since before my birthday weekend our time together was stressful and full of drama. The drama is too hard for me. It takes it toll along with everything else that I'm going through, so for me I've had a little peace.

My Health

Well the chemo left me with neurothpathy (nerve pain) which often prevents me from walking. It also causes a lot of pain when I shower ( I hate to be dirty and stinky; I hate to take a shower). I take showers as quickly as possible. Last weekend I managed to get to a track meet and to Nona's baby shower but I was in a lot of pain. I take medication for the pain three times a day. In addition I have done some research and found some natural herbs that are suppose to help. According to the doctor, the neuropathy should ease up over time; eveyone is different so it may take weeks, months, years or never go away. I have been praying that it will indeed go away. I tried last week to put on a pair of low heel boots, no go. My feet didn't like that at all.

I want to go to church, but the chemo and the steroid have put 20 pounds on me. I can't wear my clothes. I stay in sweats and gym shoes and even my sweats are getting tight. I need to diet, but it's hard. I tell myself, I've gotten this weight off before, I can do it again. However, before I was able to run and workout hard, now my feet won't even allow me to walk much let alone attempt to walk on a treadmill or run. And wearing hard shoes is a no go for now. However, I am encouraged. I have not had as much pain in my feet as I did last week.

I know I gained weight because of the steroid but I can't stand me. I can't stand to look at me and I feel very uncomfortable. I know I know many say I'm still not that big but for me it's a set back mentally and physically. It's a big deal for me and yet it's very small in the scheme of things.

Next Steps
I have to decide rather or not to have lympn nodes removed. It means more surgery, and a higher increase of lymphdema. My oncologist thinks I should have them removed, my surgeon thinks I should have them removed, my OB Gyn thinks I should have the removed. But not can really tell me why. Typically lymph nodes are removed before chemo. Since mine were not, my question is: "did the chemo kill the cancer in the nodes? Either way if some nodes are positive and some negative they don't usally change your prognosis or change treatment. Statically I have not done well with the odds on the positive side of things during all of my treatment so I'm weary of having the nodes out, a little distrustful and questioning myself about being vane in my decision because I don't want to walk around with a big arm and not able to do the things I do today in regard to exercise. My children think I should have the nodes reomoved and one of Tyler's friends's Mom let me know she had hers nodes removed, they were all negative and she did get lymphdema. My friend Darlene suggested that I fast and pray and let the God lead me. The best plan yet!

Hair
It's been almost a month and I still have no hair. In fact my eye brows are still thinning. As Breyen pointed out, I have peach fuzz. It's mostly gray though. I figure by June I might have a little hair. I'm tired of wigs so as it gets warmer I may sport my bald head.

Well yall there's a lot more, but I think this is enough for now.

Holla Back!

What a Day

This morning I started my day preparing for Chemo. Breyen was supposed to take me to chemo but since she was up late helping Rachel and Robin get settled in their new place, I took Chris up on her offer to take me to chemo. Chris picked me up at 7:45. She took me to physical thearpy so we could try a thearpy that will hopefully give me some relief from the neuropathy in my hands and feet. From there we went on to the Doctor's office for chemo. Things were moving really slow so Chris and I just sat and laughed and talked. I was call in to have my blood draw; it turned out that my white blood cell count was really low. As a result, I was concerned that I would not be able to get chemo today. I have been on schedule (every two weeks) with my chemo treatments from the beginning and I did not want to put it off. I especially didn't want it put off today because today's chemo treatment was scheduled to be the last. The toughest part today was that the neupathy was really bad in my feet. When I was called in to see the doctor they took my weight and I won't turn you what my weight is, just know I'm a big girl! Anyway when the doctor came in and I shared with him how severe the neuropathy has been, he said you are done, no chemo today. I said to him explain "done" he said you have 98 percent of the chemo in your system and if we give you chemo today with neuropathy as bad as it is it would weaken you and you would not be able to walk. I didn't know rather to laugh or cry, scream for joy or what so I just simply thanked God that I am done with this poison. I hugged chris and the Dr. Here I was concerned that I would not get the chemo and would be off schedule due the WBC and God just stepped in and gave me a special gift!!! What an awesome God he is. There is more I have yet to consider the removal of more lymp nodes and more good news, I will have to do 4 weeks of radiation instead of 6. I went back to say thank you the chemo nurses. I also went into the chemo room to say goodbye to the other patients that I sat next to every other week and shared prayers with and they had good news as well. A couple were in remission and another was receiving her last chemo.

Chris and I went to celebrate that means eating; something I will definitely have to stop. I'll worry about that when the neuropathy allows me to be on my feet more often. It may take awhile but that's okay. I just look forward to it going away. And, I may have a little hair by this time next month. I call Mom and all my other family members and friends to share the good news..."it was good"

What a Day... A Good Day, A Blessed Day.

Praying for complete healing.

Holla

Disconbobulated

I am so overwhelmed. There's so much going on. I am fighting neuropathy so much so that I think I almost overdosed on pain medication yestersday. There is so much going through my mind that I have been unable to write in the blog. I decided to attempt to write tonight so I'm not sure how it will all come out or even if it can come out. Tyler made me realize how much folks depend on me. I had already noticed that Louis calls me to get things done where the girls are concerned. I always wonder to myself why he gives things to me to get done, I have enough to do and think about. Tyler let me know that I abondoned her in her college application process. She is so overwhelmed because I haven't been doing the things I've always done for her, she was sitting back waitin. g for me to make things happen. Because I was not making them happen she is depressed. I guess I spoiled her because I raised her and did most things for her. I know that Darlene and PeeWee hear these words and understand completely. Well I'm guilty for making things happen and my illness has gotten in the way...put a speed bump in the road. I'm disappointed too because I watched Breyen give up on her talents and now she floating around trying to figure something out but she doesn't know what. Mom has always depended on me too and in some ways I feel like I let her down. I was trying to help her during my illness and we have all enabled her negative ways and yet we don't like it when it's aimed at us. I've had to push back because I get hurt and it's too over whelming for me to handle or enable right now. Ferlando had surgery and had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, hopefully she's nurturing him right now and it will be enough to hold her for awhile. See I said this would be disconbobulating.

My last chemo is on Monday. Yea but I still have to get through the side effects. I guess I need to get over this stuff so I can get back into the grove in everyway. No rest for the weary.

I went to physical thearpy today. We tried something new for he neurpathy and it seems to have worked. My physivcal thearpist is wonderful. She's a breast cancer survivior and can truly relate. I worked with Delores today. It felt good. I felt like I had a purpose. Tyler had a track meet tonight, she didn't do well and that didn't help her mental state. I can only continue to pray for my children. Continue to pray for me.

I'm going to stop now, I have so much bottled up and it isn't allowing me to put it in writing very well tonight. What can a girl do....I'm also fat, gaining weight from the steroid and feeling very depressed about that.

Enjoying my days on this side of the dirt.

Holla

Wipe out started last night. The neuropathy set in, I started having chills and started feeling fatigued. I'm glad that I was able to fine someone to cover for me at the club. Today is Ferlando's birthday. When I got up I was feeling well, I was encouraged. And, then it hit, the neuropathy was so bad at one point that I wanted to cry. I took some pain medication and laid my booty down around 10 this morning and I'm still on my back (4:47 PM). The wipe out has expanded to include a headache, bone pain and muscle and my heart is racing. The weather was beautiful today but I didn't get out to enjoy it. Hopefully I'll get out to enjoy days as spring gets closer and he weather remains stable.

I've been working on organizing my drawers at home. I'm trying to teach myself to focus again. It's hard for me to read for long periods or time or stay focused on anythng for long periods of time. I plan to try reading a short book soon. I have not been working out as much as I would like because the neuropathy has been driving me crazy. I really need to work out, the steroid they are giving me with this chemo drug is making me FAT. I hate it, all that work to get and keep my weight down is down the drain. Even my work out clothes are snug. However, I do realize the the more important thing is that I am here!

Mom has been coming over and calling everyday. It's hard for her. I hope she can adjust and focus on getting back to her life.

Hopefully radiation will not be hard on me, continuing praying!






!

Seven Down and One to Go

Today was my 7th chemo treatment. Much of the time at the doctor's office today was spent talking about ways of finding relief for neuropathy. Yeah just like everything else the side of effects of this chemo is kicking my butt. The nurse practictioner thougth that I should not have to have radiagtion. However, I told her that the doctor indicated because of the size of the tumor, I would have to have radiation. It would be nice if I did not have to have. I still have a lot of things yet to consider, more lymp node removal, historectomy or not, tamoxifen or arimadex, completion of breast reconstruction. However getting over this chemo mild stone is very encouraging.

Breyen took me to chemo this morning. Tyler had track practice. The two of them called me while I was in the chemo chair arguing about who got to drive my car today. I told them both I could deal with the issue. Folks just don't get it, I have to work on keeping my stress level down. I told them to keep the car situation as it was and texted Louis to deal with them and the issue. The benadryl put me to sleep and when Tyler picked up I came in and ate and went to sleep. Mom came by this evening. I was very groggy and didn't talk to her much. She wanted to know how I was doing. I told her fine. I hesitate to get into any conversation as it may become a argument and end in her calling me a liar. At any rate I'm just focusing on keeping my stress level down.

I have to be at the club at 5 Am...So holla yall I have to get some More sleep :).

Tomorrow is chemo treatment 7

Well I am not looking forward to tomorrow's treatment, yet I don't want to have it put off for any reasaon. I will have one more to go after tomorrow. I have to give my anxiety to God. I am praying that neuropathy does not get worst. It has been pretty bad all day today. I managed to be productive inspite of it. I cooked dinner and even baked a cake even though I felt like jumping out of my skin. In addition my shoulder has started bothering me again. My rotator cuff was irratated before all of this started and it's back to no good again. Oh well, the pain in my shoulder gets mixed in with the pain from the neuropathy.

Life goes on. Tyler had a track meet this weekend. She did well. I worked out a little and Pee
Wee's girls were here visiting for the weekend.

I talked with Mom briefly, still not smooth communication. I will keep praying for her and for me because I truly angry and hurt. But that is not my focus. I have to focus in me remaining stress free and healing. Annie came to visit me this weekend, that's always pleasant she is such a wonderful person. Babysister called today to see how I'm doing she reminds me to be focused on getting well and that the time is winding down to chemo #8, the last one. Clara called we talked for a while about our lives. Ferlando came by to finish up some work on the computer. I prayed a lot today...I'll keep praying. Got word today that one of my friends has a rare type of cancer and will be going through chemo. I can only pray.

Holla