Lots of stuff

Well it's been a while since I've sat down to write in the blog. It's is not because I haven't thought about it but rather because my thoughts are everywhere and I didn't think I could make since of them on paper. However, I have decided to attempt to put my thoughts on paper or in the blog I guess I should say.

My last chemo treatment was March 2, 2009. Since that time I have been getting stronger and stronger and yet my energy level still is not where it was before chemo started. I go out and I can pretty much geth through whatever I am doing but when I come in I am either knocked out (asleep) or I just sit and don't move around much. Part of not moving also has to do with motivation. The house has become a different place for me. It's place where you're suppose to rest but then I can't get up and the walls tend to close in on me.

The House
The house is generally a mess. I've been trying to get movtivated to clean it up because even when the girls clean it, it just doesn't seem clean. So each day I try to do a little. Today for example I am washing and folding clothes that have been left on the utility room floor for over a month. Today I will finish that up. Tyler has been washing clothes but stuff remains in the floor and the utility room and getting her to put stuff way is a chore unless she wants to go somewhere or do something.

The power on the lower level of the house was out for about two weeks. I didn't know what I was going to do about that because my finances allow me to pay mortgage. cobra and car note. There's no room for repairs and other stuff not going well in the house. So I pray constantly that the the house will run well and that nothing will go wrong. However, when the power went out I decided not to worry and was starting to make the adjustment to not being able to use the lower level of the house at night. The garage door also was not working but thank goodness the car was not in the gargage when the power was lost. I called Darlene's cousin Butch who did some electrical work for me last year. He called his friend Lyndon and they came out a couple of times and got everything working. I didn't know how I was going to pay them and when I asked them how much I owed them, they told me the work was from their heart and that I didn't owe them a thing. Amazing, God is good and the two of them can never know just how grateful I am.

I often wonder how I can say "Thank You" beyond the words so that instensity of the heart felt gifts I have received are appreciated.

The Girls
The girls are doing well. Tyler is running better. It seems that a weight has been lifted from her sholders since chemo ended. I have been able to get out to her track mets. The one I didn't feel so well but I was determined to go and I'm glad I did. Since that time I've managed to get to evey meet. A couple of time my feet have been bothering me (the neropathy causes so much pain, I can barely walk). However, Darlene, Breyen and others have made sure that I've made the games.

We also got good news. The coach from U of I called to say they are offering Tyler a full ride. "Thank You Jesus". We're just waiting for the paper work so we can get it signed. In the mean time as most of you know; Tyler had her heart sat on going to Hampton. I had promised her that we could go see Hampton so that she would know if she would feel as if she missed out on somthing or not and if she still wanted to go after our visit, she would understand that she would have to work toward getting the the financial to make her attendance possible. I pray that God will show her the clear path and what works best for her. I had been looking at fare to get to Virginia and waited too late to get good pricing. I had asked Mom to use her credit card and then I thought just let me take a look at my United mileage. I knew I had no points but I also know that I accoumulate points with my debit card but I didn't thng I had many points and I didn't. I had 67 points and guess what it was enough to get us both there. God is good.

This weekend Tyler participated in the Indoor Track and Field Prep Top Times Championship. She came in 8th in the 55 witha a time of 7:29 and her 4 X 2 team came in 2nd. It does my heart good to see her compete and do well. I pray she will do even better in college and possibly the olympics one day but even without the olympics, it just a joy to see her compete. The only sad part is that her family does not take the time to come out to see her compete. Oh well, it doesn't bother her so I won't let it bother me.

We got Tyler's prom dress and now need to get it altered. Louis told me to get the dress and he would pay for atleast half. However, after I used bill money to get it, he decided that he could only spare $100. That man will never change. It took a lot to keep my stress level down. I refuse to allow him to adverses affect my health via stress. He's thinking about getting remarried and told me that his fiance cares about him and his children. He comes out to all of Tyler's track meets, gives her $20 here and there and helps Breyen here and there, yet he never comes through where it really counts. I reminded him that he saw his own mother go through breast cancer and heart disease and what it did to her financially. I should have known, he only offered his daughter $100 in spending money to half way around the world to Australia. Knock me up side the head she told me he didn't help her either, shortly thereafter she died. It's hard for me to keep going to court to force him to meet his financial obligations because I don't have the money for a lawyer. I trid doing it on my own (per se) but my health doesn't allow me to keep up the numerous court dates before a judge will make a decision and without a lawyer the dheecision is usually in his favor. I've not had good success in the legal arena but I will keep trying to find someone to help. Maybe one day he will just do the right thing. Funny in our recent conversation he pointed the finger at me for the divorce (he still can't figure out why that happened) I didn't explain!

Breyen is doing her thing. She is having some ah ha moments and I'm getting some peace. She talks to me everyday and I often hear her repeat a lot of things I've been trying to teach her a long the way. I continue to pray for God's angel's to protect her until she finds her place and settle's down so that the beautiful young women that I know and raised can shine through.

Mom
Mom and I had lunch last week. It was a quiet lunch. I think we are both finding a new place with our relationship. I know she worries about me and as I get better I pray that some of the worry will cease. Better yet I pray that the stress that she has in her life as a result of worrying about me will go away. We haven't been spending a lot of time together, as it seems since before my birthday weekend our time together was stressful and full of drama. The drama is too hard for me. It takes it toll along with everything else that I'm going through, so for me I've had a little peace.

My Health

Well the chemo left me with neurothpathy (nerve pain) which often prevents me from walking. It also causes a lot of pain when I shower ( I hate to be dirty and stinky; I hate to take a shower). I take showers as quickly as possible. Last weekend I managed to get to a track meet and to Nona's baby shower but I was in a lot of pain. I take medication for the pain three times a day. In addition I have done some research and found some natural herbs that are suppose to help. According to the doctor, the neuropathy should ease up over time; eveyone is different so it may take weeks, months, years or never go away. I have been praying that it will indeed go away. I tried last week to put on a pair of low heel boots, no go. My feet didn't like that at all.

I want to go to church, but the chemo and the steroid have put 20 pounds on me. I can't wear my clothes. I stay in sweats and gym shoes and even my sweats are getting tight. I need to diet, but it's hard. I tell myself, I've gotten this weight off before, I can do it again. However, before I was able to run and workout hard, now my feet won't even allow me to walk much let alone attempt to walk on a treadmill or run. And wearing hard shoes is a no go for now. However, I am encouraged. I have not had as much pain in my feet as I did last week.

I know I gained weight because of the steroid but I can't stand me. I can't stand to look at me and I feel very uncomfortable. I know I know many say I'm still not that big but for me it's a set back mentally and physically. It's a big deal for me and yet it's very small in the scheme of things.

Next Steps
I have to decide rather or not to have lympn nodes removed. It means more surgery, and a higher increase of lymphdema. My oncologist thinks I should have them removed, my surgeon thinks I should have them removed, my OB Gyn thinks I should have the removed. But not can really tell me why. Typically lymph nodes are removed before chemo. Since mine were not, my question is: "did the chemo kill the cancer in the nodes? Either way if some nodes are positive and some negative they don't usally change your prognosis or change treatment. Statically I have not done well with the odds on the positive side of things during all of my treatment so I'm weary of having the nodes out, a little distrustful and questioning myself about being vane in my decision because I don't want to walk around with a big arm and not able to do the things I do today in regard to exercise. My children think I should have the nodes reomoved and one of Tyler's friends's Mom let me know she had hers nodes removed, they were all negative and she did get lymphdema. My friend Darlene suggested that I fast and pray and let the God lead me. The best plan yet!

Hair
It's been almost a month and I still have no hair. In fact my eye brows are still thinning. As Breyen pointed out, I have peach fuzz. It's mostly gray though. I figure by June I might have a little hair. I'm tired of wigs so as it gets warmer I may sport my bald head.

Well yall there's a lot more, but I think this is enough for now.

Holla Back!