Disconbobulated

I am so overwhelmed. There's so much going on. I am fighting neuropathy so much so that I think I almost overdosed on pain medication yestersday. There is so much going through my mind that I have been unable to write in the blog. I decided to attempt to write tonight so I'm not sure how it will all come out or even if it can come out. Tyler made me realize how much folks depend on me. I had already noticed that Louis calls me to get things done where the girls are concerned. I always wonder to myself why he gives things to me to get done, I have enough to do and think about. Tyler let me know that I abondoned her in her college application process. She is so overwhelmed because I haven't been doing the things I've always done for her, she was sitting back waitin. g for me to make things happen. Because I was not making them happen she is depressed. I guess I spoiled her because I raised her and did most things for her. I know that Darlene and PeeWee hear these words and understand completely. Well I'm guilty for making things happen and my illness has gotten in the way...put a speed bump in the road. I'm disappointed too because I watched Breyen give up on her talents and now she floating around trying to figure something out but she doesn't know what. Mom has always depended on me too and in some ways I feel like I let her down. I was trying to help her during my illness and we have all enabled her negative ways and yet we don't like it when it's aimed at us. I've had to push back because I get hurt and it's too over whelming for me to handle or enable right now. Ferlando had surgery and had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia, hopefully she's nurturing him right now and it will be enough to hold her for awhile. See I said this would be disconbobulating.

My last chemo is on Monday. Yea but I still have to get through the side effects. I guess I need to get over this stuff so I can get back into the grove in everyway. No rest for the weary.

I went to physical thearpy today. We tried something new for he neurpathy and it seems to have worked. My physivcal thearpist is wonderful. She's a breast cancer survivior and can truly relate. I worked with Delores today. It felt good. I felt like I had a purpose. Tyler had a track meet tonight, she didn't do well and that didn't help her mental state. I can only continue to pray for my children. Continue to pray for me.

I'm going to stop now, I have so much bottled up and it isn't allowing me to put it in writing very well tonight. What can a girl do....I'm also fat, gaining weight from the steroid and feeling very depressed about that.

Enjoying my days on this side of the dirt.

Holla