The surgery for lymph node surgery removal is scheduled for May 11, 2009 at 1 PM. It should be a sameday procedure meaning I will come home after surgery. Mom has asked if any nodes are positive will that require me to have more chemo. She does not want me to have any more chemo. In her words chemo is poison. Well she's right about that. I don't want to ever have to have chemo again and I don't think the results of this surgery will persuade me to do so. Just pray that all goes well.
This will now push radiation into summer, ba hum bug.
Holla
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
Looking for Someone to Blame
I blame myself a lot for having breast cancer. I blame myself beause I had a cyst years ago in my right breast that was aspirated. And though I asked what caused cysts and my doctor didn't have a real answer for me, I let it go. I blame myself for when the mamograms were not clear and I had ultrasounds to determine that they were "ok"; I didn't pursue it further. I blame myself feeling something and trusting medical technology and not insisting that the doctor's keep looking forward. I blame the OB/GYN for checking my breast and saying everything was ok. I blame the surgeon for checking my breast and saying everything is okay. I blame myself for waiting til my forties to eat healthy. I could go on and on. However, last week when I went for a second opinion about lymph node removal and tried to share with my family what the doctor said the blame game started again.
Specifically it started with my mother who got upset with me because she thought I said the doctor who gave the second opinion said I had chemo unnecessarily. When in fact that is not what I said nor what the doctor who gave the second opinion said. Later I found out that Mom called Ferlando and Katrina to verify that I did indeed tell them that What I did share with them all is that the doctor said that studies have found in the type of breast cancer that I have that chemo is not always effective and in the future may only be treated with surgery, radiation and hormone thearpy. Then it dawn on me, that Mom is looking for someone to blame. Ferlando and Katrina shared with me today that they were sure what the second opionion really meant.
It's a daunting task for me to understand everything. So, I stay on the internet, always researching, picking up books at the doctor's office, asking questions of medical professionals and most of all talking to others who have experienced breast cancer and other types of cancers.
The support group at the American Cancer Society also helps. I really wish that Mom would consider attending the support group or calling the thearpist there. I think it would really help her as it has helped me and she could connect with others willing to share those deep inner feelings that others go through when watching a loved one go through cancer treatment. They could help her understand and know that there really is no one to blame. I know that but I still struggle with it. I know Mom is struggling watching me go through and I know she still carries the others as well...there is no blame it just as the book saids "Bad things happen to good people all the time". It is what it is!
Specifically it started with my mother who got upset with me because she thought I said the doctor who gave the second opinion said I had chemo unnecessarily. When in fact that is not what I said nor what the doctor who gave the second opinion said. Later I found out that Mom called Ferlando and Katrina to verify that I did indeed tell them that What I did share with them all is that the doctor said that studies have found in the type of breast cancer that I have that chemo is not always effective and in the future may only be treated with surgery, radiation and hormone thearpy. Then it dawn on me, that Mom is looking for someone to blame. Ferlando and Katrina shared with me today that they were sure what the second opionion really meant.
It's a daunting task for me to understand everything. So, I stay on the internet, always researching, picking up books at the doctor's office, asking questions of medical professionals and most of all talking to others who have experienced breast cancer and other types of cancers.
The support group at the American Cancer Society also helps. I really wish that Mom would consider attending the support group or calling the thearpist there. I think it would really help her as it has helped me and she could connect with others willing to share those deep inner feelings that others go through when watching a loved one go through cancer treatment. They could help her understand and know that there really is no one to blame. I know that but I still struggle with it. I know Mom is struggling watching me go through and I know she still carries the others as well...there is no blame it just as the book saids "Bad things happen to good people all the time". It is what it is!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Lymph Nodes
Well relunctantly I decided to have additional lymph nodes removed. I made the decision based upon medical advice given to me by several physicians. It's disappointing to me because I want all of this to be over with. However, after visiting the plastic surgeon today I realize that this will go on for some time to go. Because I have to have radiation, he can't complete the breast restruction at the same time that the lymph nodes are removed. The order of things will go something like this:
1) lymph node removal - level one and level two (possibley of to 20 lymph nodes)
2) Radiation - Four weeks of radiation after 4 weeks of healing from the lymph nodes surgery
3) Completion of breast reconstruction six weeks after completion of radiation.\
Total time approximaley four more months
Well I am getting some hair. I have hair growing under my arms and the peach fuzz on my head is starting to lay down. I look like a little old man with thinning hair.
I'm working on getting my weight down. I lost 2 pounds this week but learning to eat healthy again is hard. I cheated today, I had a slice of cheese cake from the chees cake factory. But I've worked out every day this week.
My energy level is slowing returning and I'm feeling better so I'm feeling more encouraged. I just hate to give it up to go back to surgery and healing all over again.
Well that's it for now.
Holla
1) lymph node removal - level one and level two (possibley of to 20 lymph nodes)
2) Radiation - Four weeks of radiation after 4 weeks of healing from the lymph nodes surgery
3) Completion of breast reconstruction six weeks after completion of radiation.\
Total time approximaley four more months
Well I am getting some hair. I have hair growing under my arms and the peach fuzz on my head is starting to lay down. I look like a little old man with thinning hair.
I'm working on getting my weight down. I lost 2 pounds this week but learning to eat healthy again is hard. I cheated today, I had a slice of cheese cake from the chees cake factory. But I've worked out every day this week.
My energy level is slowing returning and I'm feeling better so I'm feeling more encouraged. I just hate to give it up to go back to surgery and healing all over again.
Well that's it for now.
Holla
Thursday, April 9, 2009
All Clear
Thank you Jesus!
Yip Yip Yippy Yea! I got the results from the PET Scan today. It was all clear, no more cancer!!!I'm so glad.
Now I need to make the dicision take more nodes or not. The doctor said to me today that the things they do to cure us are horrible but cancer is worst. So that's in the forerfront of my mine as I go into this weekend thinking and praying about what to do. Anyway, just celebrating this moment for now.
Holla!
Yip Yip Yippy Yea! I got the results from the PET Scan today. It was all clear, no more cancer!!!I'm so glad.
Now I need to make the dicision take more nodes or not. The doctor said to me today that the things they do to cure us are horrible but cancer is worst. So that's in the forerfront of my mine as I go into this weekend thinking and praying about what to do. Anyway, just celebrating this moment for now.
Holla!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Second Opinion
Today I went to see a doctor at the University of Chicago for a second opinion in regard to removing additional lymph nodes. My prayer has been that I could forego going back to surgery for lymp node removal and subjecting myself to higher risks of lymphdema. My thinking was that usually lymph nodes are removed prior to chemo and since I had chemo is it really necessary to remove them now. My surgeon told me that there is no real data about this situation because most people have the nodes removed before chemo. He indicated that is it reasonable not to remove them but could not say it would reduce or increase the risk of recurrence. The surgeon indicated that his best personal advice to me would be to remove the nodes. My oncologist gently suggests that they should be removed as well. Today's second opinion came from a female who also recommends that the nodes be removed. However, she gave me more detailed information that clarified some things for me. I have to tell you that I was/am leaning toward not having the nodes removed. However, tonight I will give it all to
God and see what tomorrow brings. I got back to the oncologist tomorrow he is expecting a decision. I will also get the results of the PET Scan I took last week.
On another note, Mom called today to take me to Macy's to buy me a Easter outfit. It was so cute, it made me think of the days when I took the girls Easter shopping. I know that she wanted to do it to encourage me to go to church. I told her I was not ready nor do I want the bigger clothes; not just yet anyway.
The rescue cavalier sent a women to my home today. Remember I said I wanted a dog when this is all said and done and Tyler is away at school....well we will see.
It's happening, in a weird way but it's happening. I continue to loose hair. My eyebrows are now almost all gone, the hair on my leggs is disappearing now too. It's the last of hair I had, but guess what I have hair growing in my armpits, real hair not just peach fuzz. I have peach fuzz on my head now, it's not real hair yet, you have to get real close to me to see it. In a way it looks like an old man who has lost his hair and only has that soft baby hair close to his scalp. At this point it looks white. I was told that it may all grow back white. Well only time will tell. Hopefully I will have enough hair by Tyler's graduation to toss the wig!
God and see what tomorrow brings. I got back to the oncologist tomorrow he is expecting a decision. I will also get the results of the PET Scan I took last week.
On another note, Mom called today to take me to Macy's to buy me a Easter outfit. It was so cute, it made me think of the days when I took the girls Easter shopping. I know that she wanted to do it to encourage me to go to church. I told her I was not ready nor do I want the bigger clothes; not just yet anyway.
The rescue cavalier sent a women to my home today. Remember I said I wanted a dog when this is all said and done and Tyler is away at school....well we will see.
It's happening, in a weird way but it's happening. I continue to loose hair. My eyebrows are now almost all gone, the hair on my leggs is disappearing now too. It's the last of hair I had, but guess what I have hair growing in my armpits, real hair not just peach fuzz. I have peach fuzz on my head now, it's not real hair yet, you have to get real close to me to see it. In a way it looks like an old man who has lost his hair and only has that soft baby hair close to his scalp. At this point it looks white. I was told that it may all grow back white. Well only time will tell. Hopefully I will have enough hair by Tyler's graduation to toss the wig!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Wounded
Tonight I attended my cancer support group. The group has grown since I joined, which really bothers me. Breast Cancer seems to be running rampant. After tonight's meeting I came away with the title of today's entry into the blog. There are about 15 women in the group and each and every one of them has been wounded by the breast cancer treatment and healing. The treatment has left wounds like mine; neuropathy, weight gain, heart problems, bone pain, bone loss, other cancers, burning, loss of breast, altered breast, pain, arm pain, lypmphdema, fatigue, mental angish, depression, loneliness, abandonment, lost of faith, fear, and the list goes on. We are in the group to support each other through the journey, we live, we learn to laugh, we focus on "me", we trust our doctors, we challenge them and most of all we wonder "why". However, there are women in the group who are suvivors, two time survivors, and carry the wounds from the first treatment and the wounds from treatment of the recurrence......Just wounded. How do you heal the wounds...with Life, with faith, with prayer.
Pray for the wounded!
Pray for the wounded!
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