Happy New Year

Happy New! Another year, I'm looking forward to a better year, mentally, physically, and financially.

I went to chruch tonight with BabySister and Nona. Mega churches are nothing like church that I am used to. But it was different. We went to Chile's afterward. I came home to an empty house. Both of the girls are out at house parties. Breyen called to say "Happy New Year" She told me that she loved me and that I was the strongest person she knew and that she admired and loved me. It brought tears to my eyes because I don't think I'm strong at all. I had to stop the tears because I Already had to talk myself out a pity party earlier. I have to think about my many blessings and healing. Tyler called too to say HNY and "I love you".

I called Mom to wish her a Happy New. We talked for awhile and got off the phone. Clara and I talked for a while as I had a glass of sparkling soda.

I thank God for allowing me to see another year. I remind myself that my cancer was at stage 3 and their are only 4 stages so God told me in time to save my life. I am truly blessed.

For the weekend I don't want to think about this stuff. Next chemo treatment has been moved to Monday.

Happy New Year!

Feeling Better for a Minute

Three days after Christmas and I am finally feeling better. Mentally I'm a mess. Dreading the next treatment but reminding myself that it's for the cure. I need to stop being a wuss. Anyway, I cut back on my iron which I think was contributing to some of the problems I had with the last treatment and that has help my stomach tremendously but I have been focusing on iron fortified foods instead.

I went to Darlene's last night. Annie and Walter picked me up. They had their Grand baby with them. It was fun to see Annie with the baby, she was really enjoying him. It was funny too to see her trying to keep up with a seven month old. Hopefully she will have the opportunity to keep him more often. It will be fun. I was able to eat, I did feel a little light headed but it was good to be out. I got some good ole homemade rolls too! I wore a wig yesterday, it actually looked pretty cute, but one of the kids friends did not recognize me....hummm.

Today I stayed in all day. I haven't been doing anything contructive around the house and I need to changed that and I didn't exercise or walk today. Well, I'll fix that tomorrow because I have physical thearpy. Trina, Ferlando and Shawna came over today with dinner. We had lagsauga, 7 layer salad, brocoli casserole, and garlic bread. Tyler had company and they ate dinner with us. I was even able to bake a german chocolate cake with the help of Tyler and her friend Nia. Thanks Girls.

It's late so I suppose I should get to bed.

Happy Birthday Chris!

Holla

Merry Christmas

Thank God. I felt pretty good for most of the day. I was able to eat, I didn't eat much but what I did eat settled on my stomach pretty well. Once again, I hurt my mother's feelings once again, it seems even with struggling with chemo brain I manage to do that. She brought me a plate of food with good intentions, with a little of everything on the plate. She told me to eat what I could. It was too much, the appearance of the food made my stomach queasy so I had her take it back and told my sister just to put a teaspoon of greenbeans on a plate with a single rib. I forgot how sensitive my mother could be and later she let me know by telling my that she can never do anything right. I know that she was trying to make sure I ate and that I would not have to go into the kitchen with the smells of the food and I appreciate it, I just reacted before I knew it because I did not want to be sick. Times like this are really hard for me and make me feel like I should not ask for help because I'm fearful of hurting people's feelings. Also, I know that Mom was disappointed with what she got for Christmas. Shawna gave Mom some type of candle set and Mom didn't like it and let Shawna know. Poor Shawna cried. Tyler gave Mom a cap that she didn't like but thought she would because Mom is always taking her hats off her head. I usually supervise gifts from the girls given to Mom, but this year....well you know. Chemo brain stops me from spending much energy on anything more than just what I absolultely have to think about. Mom and the girls don't understand this phenomenon, I guess you just have to live it. I absolutely loved everything I got for Christmas and had I gotten nothing I would have been just as happy and content. My gift was feeling good today and thanking God for it. Family was pretty good. We talked and ate. We didn't play any games this year and we had no music. I would have loved for things to be a bit more upbeat, it takes my mind off of you know what. All in all it was a good day. I hurt for my mother, I want to have some peace and happiness. I will keep praying. I told her I want her to relax and try to stop stressing because I have to go through this and although it has not been easy she can't change anything and I don't want anything to happen to her.

I talked to so many people today and everyone seemed to be having a good day. My hair was falling out a lot today and I started just pulling it out. So Mom took some scissors and starting cutting it. The hair was so dead and brittle that it sound like crunching on croutons as she cut it. Later this evening, Ferlando got his clippers and shaved my head. It actually felt good to get all of that dead hair off of my scalp. I look like a cone head without the cone. LOL! Everybody saids I look pretty cute bald, but I think they are just being kind. Either way it's done and I'm actually okay with it. I told my Sister, "now you have more hair than I do. " So I'll work on the wigs later I guess or maybe I'll just do the bald thing. I might have to let it warm up first....hair does keep your head warm.

Christopher Jameson stopped by to see me today. He was visitng on leave from the Airforce in Montanta. It was good to see him. He was Breyen's prom date and first love and still keeps in touch....Breyen's loss...LOL! Breyen and I always joke about that, he's a nice young man and I'm glad he stopped by on this speacial day!

I hope all had a very Merry Christmas. I thank God for Jesus...celebrating the day Christ was born. Blessings to all. Love You.

Night Night

It's Christmas Eve

Well It's Christmas eve. I'm kinda feeling thrown away, like I should just be in the dog house waiting for some water and hay. My family is at odds and of a sudden I can't get folks to do simple things. I pray that we get better. My girls are slow to respond to my requests, quick to respond to their friends. My mother is doing everything she can even though I know she doesn't feel well and that positive attitude still has not surfaced. However I can't talk, as positive as I've tried to be I'm slipping. This Chemo is kicking my ass! Seven days since the last treatment and I still haven't recovered. I'm light headed dizzy, just don't feel well and dreading the next treatment. My nephew surprised me I saw a side I didn't understand but I guess it's not for me to understand. I just have to continue push forward and fight for my health. In all the blogging, I can't tell you what this is like. I complained to my physical thearpist today and I feel bad about that cause it changes nothing, I have to remember....It is what it is. I'm trying to hang in there with where everyone else is in their life, after all "It's about me for me".

I did remember to call Ms. Washington and Linda to say Happy Birthday. Shanita sent me a beautiful watch, Vanessa brought me lunch and spent some time with me before leaving tomorrow for Vegas. Lot of calls today. It's just after 6 PM and I am exhausted. I'm in bed afraid to lie down without drinking. But baby steps, I'll get there.

Family is coming over tomorrow. I hope I'm better and that I don't get any colds or anything. I hope everyone will be of good cheer and will leave their favorite scents home so that I don't get neaseated and sick. It's a strange christmas for me....I just want my health, to feel good to be good and have a clear head. Speaking of head, the hair I have left on my head is dead and is falling out. I hope that Mitzi can come by and shave it all off. It's not fun having dead hair on your head and leaving a trail of shedding everywhere you go. I thought would be upset about loosing my hair but so far I'm not.

I will try to moisturize and put on a little make up tomorrow....may I really will look better and feel better.

Hydration

Well I'm back home after hydration. I'm feeling better. I can sit up up without feeling weak and that's a good feeling. Mom and Ferlando picked me up took me to the store, and then home. I got some popsicles and gator ade so that I can try to stay hydrated. This chemo just sucked my fluids like a vampire in a "Blade" movie. I can go back for more fluids tomorrow, but I'm going to try to get plenty in tonight and be well for the next week before the next treatment.

Mom was so frustrated today to come home to see dishes in the sink after she cleaned up yesterday and washed clothes and no clothes are folded. It's so hard because if I had the energy I would do things myself. The girls just argue and look at what the other one has not done. It makes to sad to think that I haven't done a better job at instilling a better value system in them, but I guess I will just have to keep them in prayer as well. Prayer is my only answer and it's all in God's time not mine or Mom's. I can't stand the bickering so I just sit quietly and pray that everyone will see that it accomplises nothing and STOP. Why are we all so disjointed, augmentive, dissatisfied, selfish, uncompassionate, ...it's the world we're living in I guess. I'm listening intently because I think I've missed what God has been trying to tell me and I don't want to miss it again. People, if you've got your health, you got most of everything you need, yes my journey has taught me this lesson and it's not done with me yet. I see my vision changing, it's a little unsettling as I see myself moving away from the small stuff that used to be the important stuff and thinking on how to share the vision. Ok, enough it will all come to pass. Just praying and looking forward to healing!

If I don't Blog tomorrow.....MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL, LOVE YOU!

HOLLA!

Annette

I Spoke to Soon

Well it seemed like the second chemo treatment was going to be better. In actuality I think it was. I was able to feel half way decent or so I thought. The new anit- nausea medication made me sleep so I didn’t drink as much. In addition I had that nasty chemo taste in my mouth so that made it hard to swallow liquids. The nasty taste just seems to go down to my stomach with every swallow. As a result, when I woke up on Monday Morning, I thought I was doing well. I was going to attempt to wash up a few clothes, I got a far a dumping four items on the utility room floor and to the couch I had to sit. I decided then and I’m glad that I did to call the doctor. They had me come in, took my blood and all of my counts were good. So, thinks did go well, so why was I feeling so weak. It turns out I needed fluids. I got two and half hours of fluids on Monday and I’m sitting in the chemo chair right now get two and half more hours of fluids and more anit nausea medication. Hopefully, this will help me feel better for Christmas. If nothing else, maybe I can tolerate odors enough not to get sick. The nausea and the weak feeling is the worst. I reminded myself today that I need to be strong mentally and physically, but I tell you this feeling keeps me reduced to tears. I keep thinking about getting this done, getting healed.
I do use the little energy I have to focus on healing. The girls still keep the house a mess, they fuss they fight, they hurt my feelings by not helping me out as much, but I tell myself this is their way of dealing with things. They keep asking me what I want for Christmas. “All I want for Christmas and any other time is my health.” I don’t mean to be the Christmas crinch. I’m just thankful that God gave his only son for me so that I could live. I pray, but it seems not as much as I should, but how much is that. I pray that I live, that I am healed with problems and complications, but then I find myself encountering so many people as I go to the doctor encountering some kind of journey that I find myself praying for them more than me. I pray for my mother constantly, she is my rock. It hurts her so to see the girls not stepping up to the plate and she’s not feeling well herself, so please keep her in your prayers as well.

The doctors and nurses at Ingalls have been loving and caring and I thank God for that too. It helps get through things better. They are still working with me and hoping to find the right formula to help me get through future treatments. I look forward to ticking the treatments off on the calendar. I can’t wait for it to be done. I pray that the job is done and healing is complete.

Venectia came by yesterday. Makeda found out that I had Cancer and told Venecita. Guy never told her. She felt bad that she had not been around since I’ve been sick. I told her it was okay, I know she would have been there had she known. I told her I had not called because I always tell her to call and check in. I knew she would call soon. Our love and friendship is still strong.

Well my fluids are almost done, so prayerfully I’ll feel better after this.

Family is having dinner catered pray for my family, we’ll get it all right one day.

Can’t wait to feel better!

Not too bad

Mom and Ferlando took me to get my shot today. I get a shot the next day after every chemo treatment to re-build my white counts. I was a little quesy today. The dr. changed the anit-neusea treatment and that helped a lot. However, it makes me drowsy so I slept most of the day. It's almost 11 PM now and I am a little tired. I didn't eat much today, but I tried to make sure I took in a lot of fluids. It's not easy to do when your stomach stays upset. I was able to eat cake this morning with Breyen for her birthday. She made 20 today. I keep reminding her that she needs to make plans to transitioning into living on her own. I don't think she is hearing me, but I'll keep sending the message. Hopefully she enjoyed her day. She and Tyler have been out of the house much of the day, so Mom's been here with me most of the day. She doesn't want to leave me alone just in case I get sick. Breyen just left so I know won't see her until the crack of dawn. Tyler should be on her way in so Mom can go home and sleep in her own bed and get a good night's rest. Hopefully tomorrow will be as good as today and by Sunday the neusea will be gone and I can get back up on my feet. Chris, Annie, Tira, Clara and Shanita called to check on me today. I got a call from Darlene today, she was veryn upset. Please keep her and your family in your prayers.

Well I think I am going to get some ice chips and slide back down in my bed. Pray for a good day tomorrow. Prayer changes things!


Holla

Second Chemo Treatment Tomorrow

Today was busy and good. I got my hair done. This short hair is cute in a way but it is work. Let me tell you it's nothing like pulling your hair back into a ponytail and running out the door. I Picked up my anit-neusea medication....let's hope it does it's thing this time! After that I went to physical thearpy. I've started lifting light weights and working with the ball. It's amazing that I used to work out and lift 20 to 25 lb weights and now 2 to 3 lbs weights wear my booty out. But it's fun and I enjoy it. Watching me work on the ball is too funny. I roll all over the place and chase the ball a lot instead of drippling it... and I can't catch. Hard to describe, just trust me it's funny. After that I went to a session called Look Good Feel Better to learn how to apply make-up wear wigs and attach hair to scarves and hats. Annie went with me, they encourage supporters but they wouldn't let her touch the make-up. Weird but okay. It was just a blessing to have Annie there with me. She spoils me and I like that. I guess I should enjoy it while I can cause when I heal she won't be so nice to me anymore....:). Just kidding Annie. I love you and Thank You for everything. Then Chris continued my pampering, she took me to Cafe Borja. We met Michele and Betsy there and they gave me a lovely card and a beautiful candle holder. The food was good and the company great. Thank you Ladies. I keep saying thank you but I hope every one knows that all of the support is truly appreciated and that simple words cannot express how much it really means to me.

Well tomorrow is chemo treatment number two. I hope it will go better than the first one. The good things are that this time I don't have a cold and my port is not infected. We now know that no cooking can go on in the house and the doctor is going to try something a little different in an attempt to control the neusea. So as long as my blood levels are good we will move forward.

I had a conversation with Ferlando today. He really is a deep brother, but I get him. I understand him. He's in mourning for his father and growing. He's getting some needed alone time and will come out of mourning even more special than he already is.

Angie goes for an job interview tomorrow. I'm praying that she does well and gets the job. Keeping you all in my prayers.

holla!

I did it better

Yesterday, I paced myself a little better. It was a major adjustment for me, but I must admit I did feel better. I got up and went to the club. Chris and I walked over a mile on the threadmill. Chris went on to do some lifting. Me I ran my mouth and then came home. When I got home I ate and laid down to take a nap. Now yall know that's different for me, I am not a napper. In my past life I would lie down to sleep during the day but sleep would never come. I told Tyler not to let me sleep more than an hour. I laid down and sleep came right away. It felt good. In exactly an hour, the phone rang and woke me up. It was Babysister calling to check on me. She had perfect timing because I did not want to sleep more than an hour. I wanted to challenge myself to continue my day without being completely wiped out. I did good. Babysister is struggling with a cold. I pray that she get's a hughe christmas present....peace! :).

Mom was here on Sunday cooking. I thank God for her, I don't know what I would do without her. I think we both struggle because we try to take care of each other. In my mind I know she wants to help me and will do anything to help me, but I don't want to burden her either. She's had a tough life and I've constantly pray that she will find some peace and happiness in her life. Not only do I want to heal for myself, but I don't want her to have to loose another child in her life time. We are opposites in our approach to things, I look for the positive, she looks for the needed corrections and that challenges our communication but God knows no matter what she is my angel sent from heaven. Love you Mom.

I had some visitors yesterday as well. Buggs came to visit. She is such a sweetheart. She brought me a fruit basket and fruit was so fresh. I don't usually eat a lot of fruit but I've been on the fruit in this basket, esp. the tangerines. Ferlando and Shawna stopped by for a few minutes. I get the impression that it is really hard for them to be around me. As supportive as Ferlando has been and I know he's been through a lot with loosing his dad. I just get the impression it's easier for them to keep some distance between me and them. I can talk to Ferlando on the phone but he seems to have a need to keep the face to face at a minium. For he and Shawna I know it's weird because I've always been the (I don't know the right word) leader in the family. It's funny watching peoples' reactions. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting on the outsides looking in, it's a different perspective. Annie, Diane and Walter came by to visit me to . That Annie I tell you is one of God's special Angels. She's like a sister to me, a cousin, a friend and someone I feel I can share my deepest feelings. Having Diane here was good too, conversating with her is a "knowing". She has been through something similar, I hear her words but I understand , I know what the words are not saying. And to my suprise Walter came to visit He actually asked permission to come visit. I was glad he came to visit. Most men I know are afraid of me now, or let's just say they don't come around. I thank God for the men who have been consistent in relationship and communication with me. Louis is actually one of the men in the sense that he calls to see how I am, Guy Hampton who stops by on his way from work to see if I need anything, Walter, and Rev. Love. It's funny to see how men react overall. But you know I have a couple of female friends who can't handle being around me... I keep telling Anita I'm still me and Delores finally found the courage to come in to say hello. I love all of you!!!

Well off to the club at 5 AM in the morning, then a relaxationg treatment tomorrow night, if the weather holds up. Hopefully I'll get back to the blog before Thursday....next chemo treatment. Pray for a faster recovery this time and shoo away those side effects!

Holla at yall later.

Adjusting

Well I'm still adjusting to this short hair. I like it okay, but the shock-a-zoo-loo's have been loosed! The short hair is so nappy and it's itchy. The hair is extremely dry and hard. It may be the chemo, I don't know. The hair just eats up anything I put on it to moisturize it. I'll adjust.

I started experiencing a new side effect today. My joints are very weak and achy. I called the doctor today to discuss it with him and it seems I may be experiencing a delayed side effect of the the shot given to me the day after chemo to help re-build white cells which help fight infection. So, I pushed forward and went on to the healthclub as the doctor's want me to work out even when I don't feel like it. I met Chris at the club and we worked out together with Alex. Alex is Chris' daughter, she abandoned us after about a half hour. I walked for about a half hour. I did some strecthing, out leg work, buttock work, a little back work and some squats. It was a light workout which is a big adjustment because I'm so used to working out hard. Even though it was a light workout I was exhausted when I got home. I ate when I got home and went directly to couch for a nap. After the nap I had planned to do some house cleaning. I didn't get past washing and folding clothes and cleaning the kitchen until I had to rest again. Yeap you guessed it another adjustment. Tyler did some cleaning today and promised to help me with the tree tomorrow. I plan to go back to the club tomorrow so hopefully I will have the energy.

I'm not working right now and let me tell God knows best. I have talked to a lot of women who work during chemo but I am wiped out. I guess God knew I would need the rest and nooo it's not me being lazy! However, I would like to get strong enough and get this process to under control so that I can work or at least have some energy between treatments. However, I have not lost site of the fact that things could be worst and are indeed worst for others. Rev. Love reminded me of that as he shared some insight to his experience with he encountered during his visit in africa. I had another reminder today as well as I watched Extreme Makeover and all the people they help along the way. And my cousin Frieda reminded me that things are bad but not as bad as they could be.

I cried with Louis today. I told him that although he is not my husband anymore, he is still the father of my children and that I needed his help finacially and with the girls. He gave me hug and told me he would help but just to hang in there until spring. I don't know what that means, he is so non-committal and afraid that I am trying to take advantage of him. The girls are distancing themselves from him a bit because they are disappointed that he hasn't stepped up to help us out more esp. because of the my illness and the fact that I'm not working, and unfortunately he has not stepped up to the plate to help out as much as he could. It's another adjustment for them and for me as I thought he would help us more esp. since he has never paid the judgement in the divorce decree. However, he does call to check on me and trys to keep up with Tyler and her efforts to find a college. I told him today we needed to sit down and figure out how we are going to handle college tuition, but I know that won't happen. Prayerfully God will take care of it.

I will try to work out again tomorrow. Maybe it won't take too much energy. I am going to have to manage my energy level better to make sure I get some things done. And maybe these darn joint aches will be gone. I praying that I can adjust enough to get back on my feet after the next treatment and be on my feet during my off week from chemo.

Adjusting slowly but surely!

Oh, just to let you all know, Ferlando's Dad died on Thursday which was also Ferlando's daughther's birthday as well. Funny, how the dates work out, my grandmother died two years ago on Tyler's Birthday, and the day LaVonte was born. Now Amina's grandfather (Ferlando's dad) died on her birthday. Ferlando is doing okay, focused on getting back to his life and making adjustments to get back on his fee!

I have short hair

Well over the years I've dabbled with cutting my hair shoulder length here and there. Today in preparation for the possibilibty of being bald as a result of chemo, I had it cut short today. Mitzi cut it short. I have a little fluff at the top the back is shaved. I always thought my head was too big for a short cut, but I actually like it. It feels strange and since I can't get a perm the back is not lying down as nicely as it could but what does it matter if it all falls out any who? Short hair is work so I'll will have to run a comb thru it here and there. My scalp is itching a lot now and the right side was a little tender when it was washed, I don't know if this is the first signs of my hair falling out but that remains to be seen. I'm not much worried about though, too many other things to worry about. But hey, I got more new hair today. I went to visit the Breast Cancer Strength Network today with Chris to get a wig. I actually got 4 wigs. There was one human hair wig which everyone advised me to get but I passed it because it needed work and didn't do much for me. I got a red wig and two dark wigs. I can wear the red wig as spring draws near because I always wear my hair lighter in the spring and summer months. The other two I can wear back and forth weekly. But guess what I got a blond Marilyn Monroe wig. I can't wait to be invited to a party so I can put it on with a sassy dress and some high heel shoes! :). I told Chris I will wear when I'm with her. She has decided that I need to wear a leopard dress when I wear it. I can't wait, it should be fun. Tyler and I have decided to give the wigs names, so I'll have to decide which personality will wear which hair, HA!

Chris hung out with me all day. She picked me up from Mitzi's took me to physical thearpy, went to an downtown appointment and to get my wigs. She even took me to the Hard Rock
Cafe for dinner. After feeling so bad from the chemo, it was nice to have such a pleasant day. Tomorrow, I go to Faye's light (A breast Cancer day spa) for a pedicure and facial. I'm also looking forward to that. Then reality sits in. I have to go see the oncologist tomorrow. Hopefully my white and red blood cell counts will be up again. I have a cold and I'm stilling struggle to rid myself of it along with the anti-bioatic the dr gave me yesterday. I have just a little voicek, but hopefully it will be better tomorrow. As much as I dread the effects of the chemo I would like to stay on schedule and get healed. I still have radiation and more surgery to face at some point down the line. See I told you reality. I just pray that there is something that the oncologist can do to help with the neusea. We'll see.

I got Garrett's popcorn today too. Humm, Humm I'm hanging on to that for tomorrow. Gotta go yall need to get my beauty rest. Holla back yall, love to hear from you!

Relief from Chemo Brain

You might wonder what chemo brain is....well it's this fog. My cousin Annie's Mom said it's like being high. Well let me tell you it's not a nice high. It's a funk, a fog, that prevents you from feeling like yourself, from think clearly and from thinking fast. It's just not nice. I guess you can describe it as a bad hang over, though I'm not sure since I've only been hung over once or twice in my life and chemo brain is worst! They tell me that chemo brain will get worse as the treatments go on and will still be hanging out about three months after treatment is completed. I just pray that there is something to help me get this neasea under control and I pray that the port will be less uncomfortable.

I woke up this morning, I had to be at the club at 5 AM. I was a little late but that didn't bother me. It was just important to me that I would be able to get there. I had my clothes laid out so nothing to think about there, I just couldn't get in a hurry. Chemo Brain was in control. I was still a little neuseated and odors were still wrecking havoc with my senses and my stomach. The doctor said we would try something different next time that may allow me to less neaseated. Again the saving grace is that it is temporary but riding the wave makes me feel like it will never end.

At the club this morning I was slow and smiling was a true effort. Erika helped me out some with some special jokes of her own. That always helps. I got some walking in as well, it was hard. Imagine that walking hard for me, someone who likes to run. I guess it's time to re-think this running thing, perhaps after treatment I will look for something else to do. I guess time will tell.

It was a busy day today as are my next couple of days. I had fluid drawn off my back today. That's never fun but a necessary evil. Ah, I suppose it isn't so bad just a prick from the needle after that it's not bad and it feels better once the fluid is drawn off. Babysister and Mom took me out to eat and then we went on to the next appointment. I've been fighting a cold since a day or two before Thanksgiving. I had been lodging up on vitimin C and after chemo the cold was still here. I got an anit-biotic and some cough syrup today so maybe that will help. Then we went on to have prescriptions filled, as usual it was a full day. Later I laid on the couch hoping to catch nap, that didn't work so well. Mom got a little ticked with me today, so she made me dinner and then went home. I think she's learning to be here when I need help and stepping back when I can do a few things on my own. Still the stuff she gets ticked at me about have no real meaning value at least in my mind. Today was something about Wal-mart and their $4 prescriptions. Maybe after chemo brain Ican figure out what that one was really about, I just know it takes too much energy to sweat the small stuff. Later I did manage to get a nap in. Jay came by to check on scrathces in my wood floors. He's good a friend. Mr. Hampton came by to check on me too.

Well Christmas in the Burke house has always been a big affair. Well not this year. Maybe we will celebrate christmas in the summer. For now Christimas will be about celebrating life. I hope my children and family can appreciate that. I have my next chemo treatment on the 18th so maybe by Christmas Day Chemo Brain will free me up and I can enjoy the day without the fog, enjoy my family and the good food.

phoo phoo on Chemo Brain!

The First Chemo Treatment

Well, I've heard all of sorts of horror stories about chemo and after my first treatment I have found that the horror stories are true. Initially I thought my prayers for no side effects had been answered just the way I requested, after all I met a lady during chemo treatment who said she's been on chemo for three years and she's never had a reaction other than loosing her hair.

Well here goes. Mom, Trina and I got to the hospital at 7Am to have the port surgically imported. We waited until 10:30 AM before they got started. I was not put to sleep. I was awake during the entire prep and everything. An IV was put in and of all of the IV's I've had thus far this one was so painful I wanted to knock the nurse out! I was able to talk to the Dr. and nurses during the procedure. They told me that I should not be able to feel anything. It didn't hurt, but I could feel everything. Before they were done, I started to feel some pain. When they finished I was still in pain so they gave me more pain medication. Of course, you know from my experience with pain medication during my hospital stay after the mastsectomy it made me sick. Well after having the IV taken out, we headed over to the the Dr.'s office to receive chemo around 2 PM. There were no chairs available when I first got there and I was hungry (I hadn't eaten since before midnight the day before). The Dr. took me into the office break room and fed me baked chicken and a casear salad. Once a chair was available they hooked up a bag of a anti-neasea medication to my port. Once that was completed, they hooked up a another bag of a different anti neausea medication. Then they started with the first chemo drug. They had to push it from a huge syringe but very slowly. It took about 15 minutes. Finally, they added another chemo medication that dripped from a bag. The whole process took about an hour and a half. When I was done I was told to call if I have a fever of 100.5 or more.

We left and I headed for home, I ate and went to the health club. It was a long and tiring day. Friday came and I was feeling fine. Tyler and Louis left around 1 PM to go to IL State. Breyen came home from work for a while. Annie came by, she went to Chile's and brought food back. We sat in the kitchen and had a nice quiet dinner. Annie left around 9 PM. I actually started to feel different around that time, but I just got myself ready for bed and went to sleep. When I woke up on Sat. mornining, I felt like a MAC Truck had hit me. I was so fatiqued and neuseated that I could hardly move. I can't remember much either. I know that Mom was here and I thank God for that. I hate to see her sitting up watching me, I know this has to be hard on her but I am so thankful that she is here. Mom came right in starting cooking because she wants to make sure I eat, the smell of the food made me so sick I wanted to cry. I begged Mom to stop. She did of course as she had no idea that the smell of the food would make me sick. Then she tried lighting a candle to burn off the odor and sitting vinegar and water in a bowl in my room. I suppose it helped some but it was rough. I don't remember if i ate more than crackers, but Sunday I felt a little better. I was able to get out of bed something I didn't do on Sat. Trina came by to sit with me so that Mom could go home and get some rest. I don't know what I would have done without them. Darlene and Danan came by to visit, that helped get my mind off of feeling so bad. Several people called, I didn't have much strength to talk but it was good to know that they were thinking of me. Angie sorry I couldn't give you better news about the the neusea. Breyen went out, I guess she just couldn't stand watching me be so weak. Trina baked me a potatoe and I was able to eat that. In fact, it tasted good to me. I was able to sit on the couch most of the day which was a tremendous improvement. Tyler came home on Sunday morning, she slept most of the day, hard on her too; I know! I pray that it's not this bad everytime. Maybe it was rough this time because I had a cold, I got the port and I got chemo all at once. Today (Monday) was better still. Annie called several times to check on me. She had her friend talk to me who went through this treatment as well. It was very helpful. Now I know I will probably continue to be sensitive to smells. Well just keep praying as am I. One down 7 to go. The next chemo treatment is Dec. 18. Hopefully I will feel well by Christmas day. I continue to be encouraged and praying for complete healing!

Tomorrow is the First Day of Chemo

Well, here comes step #2...Chemo every two weeks for 16 weeks. I'm headed to the hospital at 7Am tomorrow to have a port put in my chest that will all chemo to enter the body through a large vein. The port will remain in place throughout chemo and a few months beyond that. I'm praying that I will not be adversely affected by all of the side effects and I hope I can keep some hair until I get a wig, if not a hat will do. I spent my last day with out chemo getting my teeth cleaned. The doctors don't want me to have my teeth cleaned during chemol. I also had a relaxation thearpy session today and it was wonderful! From there I went to physical thearpy which is always good. Then on to my cancer support group. The ladies in the group are all very wonderful and it's nice to openly share our feelings, thoughts and experiences. From there I came home to prepare my bag for tomorrow.

I'm all good. I'm not nervous or anything just wanting to get started so that I can get all of this behind me. Standing in faith and God willing all will be well.

It Is What It Is

I think I'm getting it. This Cancer thing is what it is. My focus is on survival now. There are many side effects and scars both mentally and physically, but "it is what it is". It could be worst. I have met so many survivors and I want and plan to be in that number. I am going to work on stepping back. There are so many things going on around me that distract me from focusing on healing. Breyen is always a distraction in one way or another, Tyler getting into college with some type of scholarship is another distraction, and getting the girls to step up to plate to keep the house clean and neat is another distraction. However, now that I am getting stronger I can do a lot of clean up myself, but I still find it frustrating that I have to pick up behind them. Sometimes, I think, wow, when they are both gone I can clean my house and keep it clean. People tell me to close door, I've tried it just doesn't work for me. It's a small thing in the scheme of things so I have to step back, My Mom is so worried about me and super emotional, I have to step back from that too. I've been trying to manage her worries and do things to keep her happy. I have to step back. I have to step up and stand firm in my faith that God will not give me more than I can bear and that he will heal me. My focus is to become dogmatic in that thinking. I will pray for the girls and for Mom that God will hold them up give them what they need. So that's where I am for now...stepping back, steping up and realizing "it is what it is".

Tyler and I went to NIU this past weekend on an official recruiting visit. Interesting! I think Tyler learned a lot and so did I. I think they have a wonderful academic program. I didn't realize it was so close. It was my first trip away from home since surgery. It went well. I missed my physical thearpy appointment because traffic was so bad on the way back due the our first snowfall for this cold weather season. Tyler goes to Il State this weekend. She will go with Louis because I am suppose to start chemo on Thursday (I'll get back to that in a minute).

I went to Church last Sunday. It felt good to be there, but it also felt surreal. I hope that chemo will allow me to get back. I will have chemo on Thursday's so the weekend is considered wipe out days. We shall see what my body decides to do.

I've been going to physical thearpy and the thearpist is wonderful. I've only seen her twice and I've made so much progress. The range of motion in my arm is almost back to normal. She is also teaching me how to work out at a certain target rate, as it is expected that I will workout everyday even during chemo, except of course on what they call wipe out days. It's great for me because I love to work out and hopefully it will help me manage this wait I've gained. In addition the thearpist strecthes the skin around my scar and that feeling amazingly good. She has also given me a technique to slow down the fluid build up on my back which is wonderful. When the fluid is on my back I'm stiff and sore. I went to see the plastic surgeon today and he drained a small amount of fluid from my back, nothing like the huge tube he drew off my back. Hopefully it will stop completely soon. The Dr. thinks one more visit to check for fluid should do it and then he will release me until after Chemo and radiation at which time I will go back for more surgery to complete the reconstuction.

Tomorrow is my last day before the first day of chemo. Atleast that was what was planned. However there is now a possibility that that won't happen. The last blood work I had indicated that my red blood cell count is still down, iron levels are low and on top of all of that, I have a cold. I've been working on the cold with vitimin C, it's getting better. Either way I will have minor surgery on Thursday to put the port in for chemo (another scar!). So we shall see.

Tomorrow is a busy day, I get my teeth cleaned, I go in for relaxation thearpy, I have physical thearpy, I have a possible dinner date, and a support group meeting. If chemo does happen maybe I'll be tired enough to sleep through it.

Mixed Emotions

Thanksgiving was a day of mixed emotions. It was quiet, at least for me. Breyen and Rachel cooked the dishes that I would typically contribute to the Thanksgiving meal. I am really proud of them for putting forth the effort. They did a good job for the first time. It was funny because they got really tired and realized how much work it is to prepare such a big feast.

I stayed in bed much of the day, talking on the phone and catching up with friends and family. Breyen and Tyler took me over to Mom's around 4pm. I was ready to eat. Aunt Girthy blessed the meal. She is 93 or 94 now, the last of my grandmother's siblings. She told me she is praying for me and that I get better. It almost made me cry. I don't know why some people make me cry when they tell me they are praying for me. Perhaps it's because I wonder if I'll live to be a ripe old age.

Dinner was good, but there was no joy. I took a break for a while and went into Ferlando's room for some quiet time. I had the opportunity to sit back and really see my family, and I didn't like what I saw. The young are so lost, immature, spoiled and selfish. They are babies raising babies. There's a huge generation gap. Somehow I thought initially that what's going on with me would help to bring family together, but that certainly in not the case, at least not across all of the family. I have to find a new place mentally in this family. I miss Aintee she was good at keeping family together, but I'll keep praying we'll get there. My sister and I had an opportunity to talk that was nice, even though we kept getting interupted.

After dinner we watched movies, at least a few of us. The young people went in another room and took a nap, the babies ran around. I felt pretty useless. I guess it's a part of finding my new place.

I was glad I was not in the room when Mom's acid tongue went after Breyen. I talked to Breyen about it today and she was very hurt and angry. I told her to be the big person and not hold any grudges and that God would not like that. I hope I got through to her. There are some other things going on with her but she would not let me in. I can only pray.

There's a lot bottled up inside of me right now, but I can't seem to get it out. I could just scream!

I went to physical thearpy today and that felt really good. I ran on the thread mill at a speed of 5.0 with a 15 incline. The ideal is to workout during chemo and feel good during chemo. I find that the most encouraging aspect of all of this as I love to work out. I can't wait for Chris to get back hopefully we can get back to a reqular schedule. I won't be able to work out at the intensity level that we worked out at before but it will hold me until after chemol

Tyler drove me around today, she had a trying day. She did the black Friday shopping and someone stole her phone. Her Dad helped her replace it. I feel so sorry for her, it's her senior year and she's such a lively fun loving person and a damper has been put on her senior year. I hope al works out for her. She has a NCAA official visit next week and I don't know if I will be abler to attend, but somehow it will work out.

I am thankful for being here, thankful for family, thankful for so many blessings and looking forward to Thanksgiving day 2009 and getting together with family and contributing to the meal. It was just weird having to sit on the sidelines, but nice to just put my feet under the table, hard to hear family state of affairs. Thus the mixed emotions!

Looking forward to working out tomorrow, anyone want to join me for a workout!

Thanksgiving

On Monday Chris took me to the Hospital for a MUGA Scan, which tests the strength of the heart. The heart needs to be strong because one of the Chemo drugs can adversely affect the heart. It was another scan that required and IV, oh joy! Chris was a gem. She waited patiently and treated me to breakfast afterward. I had an opportuntity to discuss my condition with Chris. I was worried because she lost her sister and her father to cancer. I did not want her to be faced with that with me. She admitted that had crossed her mind. I plan to be here to live and continue to run, work out, golf and have play dates with Chris. I am thankful Chris is going to hang in there with me. She is also she is going to help me with my physical thearpy.

I saw the plastic surgeon yesterday. He decided that I didn't need any more stretching which is good cause it's so uncomfortable. He also drew fluid from my back. I had not been able to sleep on my right side because it hurt. It also hurt to have the needle stuck in my back to withdraw the fluid from my back, but it felt so much better afterward and I was able to sleep on my right side. The fluid is already starting build again so now I will need to go every week to have the fluid drawn down. I am glad I will be able to sleep on my right side because after the port for the chemo is put in my chest on the left side, I will not be able to sleep on that side. The port will be put in next Thursday and I will receive the first chemo treatment the same day.

Today I went to physical thearpy for the first time. It was actually fun. It was a little like being in the gym, so you know that felt good to me, esp. since I've gained this weight. I have to find a happy balance with this weight thing, cause today I put on a pair of pants that were entirely too tight and I wear these pants all the time. It has been explained to me that I will probably gain weight because the anti nausea drugs and other steriod given to help you feel well make you gain weight. I'm in trouble cause I have no big clothes and surely can't afford to buy any. Oh well I'll work on that later.

Breyen and Tyler are at odds with each other. It makes for a very uncomfortable environment. Breyen is kinda back to her old ways and Tyler has little tolerance for it this time around. I've set them down and talk to both of them regarding what I will need from them while on chemo. I can only pray that hey hear me and will respect my wishes. It makes me a little nervous to be here in the house with them and feeling weak. Louis tried talking to Breyen but nothing seem to make a difference. I have to give it over to prayer. Funny thing though Breyen is being very helpful preparing for Thanksgiving dinner. Rachel brought most of the food and tonight she and Breyen got in the kitchen and got busy. Rachel made potatoe salad, Breyen prepared the potato casserole, she's working on the homemade rolls and the german chocolate cake. Tyler's best friend's Mom made me a banan pudding and it's almost gone, so I don't think it will make Thanksgiving!

It feels strange to me because I usally prepare these foods and dinner is usually at my house. I'm glad I didn't have to take it on. I could have, but it's been nice sitting back and watching. Hopefully, it will taste as good...yeap I just gave myself a pat on back. I'm still not absolutely sure where we are having dinner, either at Babysister's or Mom's. It will be my first time just putting my feet under the table and eat and I don't even have to wash dishes afterward. A girl could get use to this. Aggg...not really, I look forward to next year and getting back to cooking. However, I do realize that this is a good experience for the girls! I will need to just pray for the girls!

I will go wig shopping next week, I need to be prepared cause I have a big head and I don't know if I can do bald in public. I've already cut my hair short, but I know it will still be hard to see my hair fall out. We'll see how it goes.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am giving Thanks for being here, for my support from family and friends and the good health of family and friends as well as the cure that I know God has planned for me.

Happy Thanks giving

A better Place

I woke up this morning and called PeeWee. We talked on the phone like old times. We used to talked every weekend for hours and that's what we did today. It felt good. We talked about our families our hopes, our fears and our futures. We also talked about our past, who would have thought we would be where we are today. Funny how things work out. But talking to her today reminded me of who I am. I've never run away from anything before, I've stood tall and fought the fight. I've been in this funk lately, filled with fear and anxiety and talking to my friene today made me realize that's it's time to stand up and fight. God has already given me the victory already I just have to claim it. When I think about all of the people in the world who are sick and have crippling ailments, financial problems, family problems, etc. I realize I'm pretty blessed.

I'm not looking forward to chemo, but my prayer continues to for healng so I will also pray for a smooth healing and few side effects from the chemo. Pee Wee's mom told me it wasn't easy but she got through and my cousin Learlean did quite well, so I'll make it though. With Christ all things are possible".

It's time to get back to life and living it to whatever capacity and quality I have the ability to live. I will fight this battle and I will not fight the battle of others; my children, my family, etc. I have to look inside work on my inner being and my innter strength. As Ferlando said tonight when he came by to pick up Mom...He said his father told him that his grandmother told his mother that "sight is not in the eyes" I have to stop looking with my eyes, I have to look whit Jesus, with my inner vision and my faith.

Babysister came by today and took me out to lunch. Talking to her too let me know that God has been good to me. We see with our eyes what's going on around us but our vision is clearer when focused on Jesus. Thank you Babysister for sharing for being there, for listening things will not be this way always.

I'm in a better place!

I went walking today

Chris picked me up this morning, took me to the health club and we walked around the track for a about a half hour. I think we walked a little over a mile. It felt good. Chris wouldn't let me walk fast, but that's okay, I'll walk a little faster next time. Mom was at the club in an exercise class...I wonder if she planned that. It's funny, the world is really small Mom was in class and Chris' mom was exercising right next to her.

Chris took me back home. She offered to take me to an appointment on Monday morning and I'm going to take her up on it. I have to have what's called a MUGA scan. It looks at the heart to determine if the heart is healthy enough because one of the side affects of one of the chemo drugs is heart problems. I called to schedule the scan and found out that I will need another IV. I guess I just have to get used to it, but I should was dismayed to hear that another IV is required. Oh well.

Later my friend Dorothy picked myself and Nona up for lunch. Nona was T-boned in a car accident a few months ago and is having some health issues as well. Dorothy took us to her house for lunch. She has a lovely home. She set an elegant table for us. We had chicken and crab meat salad on a bed of lettuce with crackers and a slice of cantaloupe and grapes. It made me feel pretty special. After lunch we spent hours talking about everything and nothing. It was a good day and nice to be out.

When I came home, Tyler had lots of news to tell me about possible recruitement opportunities including a coach who would like to stop in to visit her tomorrow. I know she wants to go to a warm climate but with my health and finances what is I hope she will get a scholarship and can be happy where ever she goes and that she does well.

I talked to both of the girls about keeping the house clean and helping out more. It's disappointing to me that they don't step up to the plate more. Hopefullyl, they will grow and at least try to understand what's happening with me and help out more. They are both really spoiled; I guess that's my fault. However, I was spoiled growing up and yet I understood when my mother needed help. We kept the house clean, cleaned my mother's room and ran bath water for her when we knew she was on her way home. I have talked to the girls every night about cleaning the kitchen...it's an on going discussion that I seem to be having with myself. Here it is tonigt at midnight and I'm still telling them to get the kitchen cleaned. I pray that I don't get sick on chemo because I'm truly worried about being here with the two of them becasue they are focused on them. I'll kept praying. I don't have the energy to fight.

Hopefully, I will get my hair done in the morning. I think I'm going to go ahead and get it cut. I need to start shopping for wigs or scarves or something.

I still have thoughts of why this is happening...can somebody tell me...what's up with this. Anyway, today was a good day.

The Scan Results

Today was a good day. Scary Cat Tira faced her fears and came by to see me after Darlene threatened to blow up her house! :) It was good to see her. Tira always has such a good sense of humor and keeps me laughing. Mom was here while Tira was visiting and she even had Mom laughing out loud. Tira sat with us until it was time to go to the doctor.

I went to see the Oncologist today to get the results of my scans. I prayed about the results last night so when I went into the Dr's office, I was feeling pretty good and confident that all would be well. When the doctor came in and started to read the results of the scans, my heart started to be a little face. He said the Bone Scan showed no other cancer and the CT scan showed no other cancer. It did show a dot in the liver and the space where the right breast was removed but said that is not uncommon, they don't know what it is but it's seen on most scans. They'll watch it but it's usually nothing. I believed before I went in that all would be well and God made it so.I found my self thanking God, feeling good and smiling a lot.

Now I just have to go through the treatment. I met with a nurse by the name of Kay who explained to me what type of chemo drugs I would receive. I will receive three different drugs, two at the same time, both of which are very strong. We reveiwed the side effects which are many but the most common of course is hair loss. I explained that my hair has already been falling out so they orderd some testing to check that out because it may be from something else. The other side effects are fatigue, weakness and nausea...fun stuff...huh! I will be on treatment for about six to eight months, then radiation...and possibly more surgery at some point. However, if the chemo does what we want it to do, a second surgery may be avoided. We're cross that bridge when we get to it, and I will apply prayer which is the strongest medicine.

I talked to JoAnne tonight, she told me she couldn't sleep last night. She told me that earlier today but tonight she confessed that she couldn't sleep because she was worried about me and the results of the scans. Well God is good. It made shed some tears (I've been doing a lot of that lately) because I didn't want to make her cry...I feel so helpless. Annie called for scan results, she was rather quiet when I gave her the news. I think she thought that I would not have to do chemo. Well girls we are going to have to go wig shopping. Let's make a date it should be fun. I want to laugh about it while I can. Yall know I got a big head, and this head with no hair will be no joke, scary thought. I was always worried about covering up my big forehead with banes now I will have to cover the whole thing...let's hope it's not too daunting of a task. PeeWee told me I could join her in the no hair category,but I told her she has a little head as her husband saids she has a pea size head. I have a pumpkin head so it won't be so easy. Well I gotta love it, my big head that is. The Dr. said the hair would be gone by the second treatment...that's okay I'll still be here and that's what counts!

How am I really feeling....Happy that the scans did not show more cancer. I'm still wondering where this cancer came from. I'm praying for healing in a way that the Dr's. will be in awe of what God can do. I'm worried about my future and if my body will be able to handle the chemo, but I'v gotten this far. I worry that Breyen and Tyler may be affected in someway and talk to them about checking their breast. Tyler's friend Erica had to have a biospy ....she's 18. I pray all is well, it's hard enough to go through this at my age let alone so young. I pray that God will touch her with his healing hands and make all well for her. I think this is crazy...what is this. I pray that this cancer thing killed, cured, for all no matter the type of cancer.

As I go forward I have to focus on staying healthy, good nutrition and finding fiancial stability for my family. I'm working on getting assistance to pay for chemo. It's a lot all at once, but I know God will not give me more than I can bear. I just hope that I've met that capacity and things will turn around and get better.

I'm healing from the surgery, my energy level is still low so I know chemo will be tough for me. I'm still working on getting full range of motion back in my arm. I am looking forward to getting back in my car and driving myself around. Yeah Ms. Daisy wants to get in the drivers seat. My car is dirty, I need to get back in it so I can have it clean and adjust the mirrors to one spot for one driver. I like being a passenger, but I also like to drive sometimes and I'm looking forward to getting back to driving.

Chris will get me in the morning so I can start my walking program. Dorothy and Nona will get me for lunch. People are good, I've been allowed to see the good in so many people....I hope you all know that their are lots of good people in the world. Even the nurse from the first biospy called to check on me an sent me a book(The Pink Book) on breast cancer. So much compassion and they don't even know me. I'm telling you it's overwhelming wonderful!

No More Cancer

Today was a good day. Scary Cat Tira faced her fears and came by to see me after Darlene threatened to blow up her house! :) It was good to see her. Tira always has such a good sense of humor and

Tired

Monday Clara and I went out take care of business. Clara drove me around everywhere I needed to go. We stood in line for the Link card for an hour and a half. I did get the link card, after standing in line it only took five minutes. From there we went to lunch, we had soup and salad at Olive Garden. When we left, I left my cell phone and scarf...that's just how short my mind is. We got all the way home before I remebered so we had to go back. I hated to go back because I was tired but I was glad to get my phone back. We made a few more stops and went back and stopped by to see Mom and Ferlando. Ferlando is struggling with watching his Dad preparing for his next home. I wish I could reach out and make it all better for him, but I can only listen be supportive. I know it's hard, even when we know a loved one is about to leave us, the shock of when they leave is still there. I'm very proud of him though, he's been very patient and taking care of business. I will keep his Dad in my prayers.

Yesterday, I think I did a little much. I was too tired to blog last night, that's how tired I was. Clara took me out to get my nails and my eye brows done. It help me to feel much better. Now I just have to get a handle on this eating. My butt is growing and I'm feeling sluggish carrying this extra weight around. I called the Dr. and spoke to the Lauren, the nurse and was given permissison to get back to the club to start walking! I'm looking forward to it. I'm not used to getting so tired from just moving about let alone actually exercising.

Clara and I then headed to city to see her aunt and although I just sat there, I was really tired and I kept dozing. So we headed back, but we stopped by Mom's first. Ferlando needed to talk. While we were there, Mom decided to cook dinner. Clara and I took Tyler to the mall while Mom was cooking. I was so exhausted, we had to cut that trip short. Tyler was disappointed because she wanted to shop but there was nothing I could do, I was so very tired. Tyler did the the driving and I had to tell her to get off of her cell phone. I told her three times and she acted like she didn't hear me and when I insisted she was augmentive. I didn't have the strength to argue but stood my ground and she finally did what I asked. The situation made me feel weak and embarassed as Clara was with us and out done that Tyler did not respond to my request. Well all things considered she does 99.9% of what I ask, maybe she was having a moment. I guess we're all entitled.

When we got home, I put my PJ's on and hit the couch. It was all I could do. I don't know why I was so tired unless it was a combination of all of the activity since the weekend. Clara and I tried to watch Kings of Comedy bug I think it watched us. :)

Today I stayed in bed late, that is until Oprah went off. I was still tired when I got up. Clara made breakfast for me and Mom stopped by for a while. BabySister stopped by later for the shopping list for Thanksgiving, now we just need to decide where we will have dinner.

Clara left today. Breyen drove us to the Midway Airport. I was good. I got out of the car and gave Clara a hug and thanked her for all she did for me. I told myself that I was not going to cry and I didn't, atleast not right away. As Breyen and I were driving home, we talked about friends and the wonderful friends that I have in my life. We talked about how good Clara was to me as well as my other friends. It brought tears to my eyes...tears that I held back at the airport. God has truly blessed me with wonderful Friends. I am truly thankful! I spent the rest of the day resting. I will go to bed early tonight, hopefully, my energy level will return tomorrow. I do have to go out to see the oncologist tomorrow. I'm going in positive, praying that there is nothing more.

Shawvn stopped by tonight, she brought me a breast cancer angel and lots of laughs. I'm glad she stopped by. Tira called tonight, she said she will stop by in the morning. Darlene threatened her, told her to get her booty over here to see me. Tira is afraid to see me. I'm still me girl, "just kicking but not high. I continue to get cards from friends, family, church members, friends of friends...Thank you all so very much. I am getting stronger every day, it's a long journey but I plan to come out victorious!

Good Food

Yesterday, Trina came over and cooked dinner. She made homemade chicken and noodle with cornbread and salad. I begged Mom to make candy yams for me and she did. I am getting fat. I have been eating things that I haven't allowed myself to eat for at least three years now. I have got to stop this because I can't afford to buy new clothes for my fat butt, but lordy the food was good. Mom, Shawna, and Ferlando came by and Clara is still here so I had plenty of company. A girl could get spoiled with all of this company. Baby Sister and Jean stopped by too. I love the visits. Ferlando was able to eat, but then ate a little much and was in pain so he had to leave to take paid medication. He's got to learn to go slow.

I'm feeling pretty good, yet I remind myself that this is just the beginning. But I'm going to enjoy the good days while I can.

Monday was a busy day. Clara took me back to FEMA to see if I could get the link card. We stood in line for an hour and a half and in five minutes wha la...I had it. It will be a big help. I almost ate healthy for lunch. I had soup and salad, but I had bread with it so that ruined it. I'll try to be better tomorrow. I'm starting to feel yukky with this extra weight. i can't wait to ge back to the gym. And in addition to the weight, everyone is starting to make comments about my breast. We've been getting a good laugh as everyone saids you got a rack up there now. I told Clara just imagine the reaction I'll get when I'm back in the gym with a sports bar on. They're probably say something like there's something different about her..wonder what it could be people. People are even starting to ask to feel them! LOL! I admit they look good, but they feel heavy, much like walking around with a grapefruit strapped to my chest. I'm prayerful that the healing process will allow me to feel normal again and not like I'm carry around a grapefruit on my chest.

I get to start physical thearpy this week or next, yea! As soon as I get my full range of motion back, I will be able to drive again. I got in my car today and it is just filthy, so I've got to get back, cause I can't stand a dirty car. It really isn't that dirty I would just rather have it cleaner.

Clara took me over to visit Mom today. We watched a crazy movie that Ferlando referred to us. The movie was really weird. Clara told Ferlando we were going to have to check on him if he thought that was a good movie. :)

Things seem to be settling down at home. I'm getting better, healing from the surgery and everyone seems to be relaxing more as I heal. So it seems chapter one of this breast cancer journey will end calmly. We will have to wait to see what tomorrow brings. The cards are pooring in wishing me a speedy recovery and encouraging words, it' overwhelming in a good way and I am truly thankful! Continue to pray for healing. I get results from scans later this week.

Anita, I am praying for you and your family. I pray that all is well with your Mom and that she is blessed with healing.

A good Day

After a long day in the house and feeling like the walls were closing in; I spent much of the wee hours of the night(friday AM) on and off of the phone with Ferlando. He was registered into the emergency room at Stroeger Hospital. After a few hours of waiting he was seen, had blood drawn and was given a CT scan. He was given morphen for the pain. He checked in with me every few hours to let me know he was okay. He spent 24 hours in the waiting room in a bed in the hallway and was finally admitted. He' s okay but will be in pain for some time. They sent him home today with pain medication and told him to eat as little as possible for the next couple of weeks and the condition should resolve itself. Trina went to pick him up tonight and took him to home. He's been resting most of the day, so I haven't spoken with him since he left the hospital. Hopefully I'll get by to see him tomorrow.

I woke up this morning and made a few calls. I called JoAnne and when she got my message she called me back. She was headed south so she decided to come and pick me up. We went out to breakfast and then over to Macy's. We brought Tyler a jacket, too cute! We came back home and Annie and Darlene came by with chicken and Darlene made homemade popcorn and I made lemonade. JoAnne, Darlene, Annie, Tyler and I all set down to watch "This Christmas". Annie had us laughing so hard because she was so tickled by a seen in the movie where baby oil was put on the floor to make a man getting out of shower slip so she could whip him with a belt. I had so much fun today....It was nice to get out and wonderful to have a movie date with the girls. I hope we can do it more often. I was enjoying it so much that at the end of the meeting I had to remind myself that I have breast cancer. I thought how did this happen and I reminded myself that even though I'm feeling better everyday and getting stronger each day...this is just the beginning. JoAnne noticed the mood change so I snappped out of it because I didn't want to put a damper on her fun. When everyone left my sister called. She told me Ferlando is okay, just resting and that she will come out to spend the day with me tomorrow and cook dinner for me. That will give Mom a break. Mom was here earlier today and I wasn't here. She wasn't happy because the girls were laying around and not getting things done around the house. I talked to the girls about doing what is asked of them, hopefully they will do better. I think they like myself are getting comfortable because I appear to be getting better. Unlike them though I know I am still facing Cancer and the treatment for the cancer. Reality is a "*itch". However I continue to be blessed.

Anyway Clara came in tonight. It's been some years since I've seen her so I'm happy she's here. She said she came to pamper me. Tyler actually went to the airport to pick her up. Her friend Stephanie rode with her. It was a big step for her, but she did it with no problems. Clara will be here until Wed. I gave her the tour of my body, it was a bit shocking to her but she took it well.

It was a good day! I am so thankful for all of my wonderful friends and family. My church family has sent so many cards and well wishes, I thank God for all of you!

No More Tubes

Yea! The last two tubes were removed today. I thought it was going to hurt to have the tubes removed, but it just felt like relief. I also received a saline injection in the the new breast. That made the breast feel tight and a bit painful. The breast will need to be a bit bigger than the the left breast because radiation will cause it to shrink a bit. For now I'm enjoying having the tubes out....Freedom!



I also go my cheesecake today from the cheescake Factory. Mom bought it for me as treat and celebration of the tube removal. I also got an order for physical thearpy to work on getting the range of motion back in my right arm. When that happens, I can drive again.



I came home made a salad, had my cheese cake and fell asleep while talking to JoAnne on the phone. It was a hmmm, hmmm good nap. Vanessa came to visit tonight. It was good to see her and talk to her, I hadn't connected with her for a while! My sister Yvonne and Shanita called to check on me tonight. And now I'm ready to go back to bed.

Ferlando spent the evening getting his Dad checked into Cook County Hospital and then he himself had to register to be seen in the emergency room. He's been in a lot pain lately and trying to function in a normal capacity despite the pain. Tonight the paid got to him. He's afraid of what they may find, but I told him to pray for something simple that can be resolved quickly and that they can give him something to rid him of the pain. He's been trying to do so much lately, help me, take care of his Dad and go to school. Well, here's true meaning to "when it rains it pours." I will pray that all is well with him. Love you Fer!

Scans

Yesterday I went in for my scans. I had a bone scan and a scan of the chest, stomach, and kidneys. The scans were not bad. The worst of it was getting an IV. The IV was started for the Scan of the chest, stomach, and kidney. A radioactive dye was injected via the IV for the bone scan. I then had to wait three hours before the scan was actually done. In the mean time the scan of the chest, stomach and kidneys was done. During the scan another dye was injected via the IV that made me feel warm and like I was urinating on myself. But I promise I was not urinating! I laid on my back on a table with a pillow under my heard, it was a little uncomfortable because I still have drainage tubes in my back. It took approx. 20 minutes. Then I was off to the lab for blood work. That went pretty smooth and then back to Nuclear Medicine for the Bone Scan. Again I laid on another table. The Radiology Tech helped me to lay down and placed me in the machine as he explained to me how the scan works. He shared with me that his step Mom had been diagnoised with stage three breast cancer about a year ago. He told me that she like me, was very active, watched her diet, and got all of her scheduled yearly exams. He said it's amazing how so many people who are not healthy, overwieght, highblood pressure, etc come in with clear scans no cancers and others like myself and his step Mom have cancer. One would think from this story that the healthy kick is not worth prolonging life, or at lease life without Cancer. Anyway when it was over, I met a nurse who was an eleven year survivor. She actually had triple negative breast cancer which is the progressive breast cancer that most black women get. She offered me her phone number in the event I ever needed to vent or just needed someone to listen. It is amazing how many noursiing and helpful people I have met along the way.

Mom and I went out to eat after, we had a nice quiet meal as we did some reading the various new drugs approved by the FDA for breast cancer.

Later JoAnne and Joyce came by to visit. JoAnne has been helping me out in every way. Joyce came by too. I was glad she came by. She called to ask if it was okay, because she was concerned that I may not want to see anyone. As I've said many times before, everyone has to handle this in their own way, even me. As I get better, I realize I'm the same me, but I'm growing as a result of this journey, but it's just the beginning so I'm holding on.


I get the results next week. I'm praying that there's nothing more.

I cried today

I got up this morning and made a lot of phone calls to various organizations that help cancer patients pay co payments for medications, more specifically chemo. Like eveything else I've encountered, I' can't seem to get ahead. I have to wait until I actually start chemo before I can apply. In the mean time, I will apply for SSI and other assistance to get me by until I can get back on my feet and back to work.

Angie left to go back to California today. It was heart breaking to see her go. She gave me a hug and I just cried and cried. It made me understand my father when he used to say to me. "Daughter I'm happy to see you when come visit but it hurts when you leave". And boy it sure did hurt when she left. God is good though and always on time. As Angie went out the door Ann came in an Mom came shortly after that. I was happy Mom is still looking good, rested and more at peace...that gives me peace. Ann is always good for me esp. when I am being emotional. She keeps me logical. She gave me a big hug when Angie left and brought me back around. We talked about her life, we went to pick up the yukky stuff I have to drink for the scans tomorrow, went to lunch and to Menards for a lamp. As we pulled into the Menard's parking lot, a man told us that Ann's rear passenger tire was flat. So we drove over to Tire Discount and she had to get a new tire. Tyler came to pick us up and we went on shopping for a lamp to brighten the family room, that dim light was driving me crazy.

When I got home, I thought about my sister. She's been MIA. I was disappointed as I thought about her not being around, but I told myself that I'm being selfish(I've had plenty of company. ) I have to let everyone deal with this thing the way they need to. Guees what, she called just as I was thinking about her. She didn't have much to say, but said she would be around this weekend.

Tyler was sad most of the day. She was not her usual happy self and that bothered me. I asked her what was bothering her and I got the same reponse each time "nothing". Clearly there was something. She did do a few more college applications, she pouted through the whole process and ended the last application with "I can't do this". I feel so bad that this is happening to me during her senior year. I just want to see both of the girls happy and I know this is taking a toll on them. They have been so good, doing the things I ask and milking my tubes. Breyen has decided not to go away to school in Jan. as we had planned but will wait instead to go away next fall. It hurts to have them put their lives on hold for me. I know Tyler really wants to go away and I want her to go and I hope that they will both push on regardless of me. I know Mom how you feel....because I feel so helpless.

The bone scan, chest scan and stomach scan are tomorrow....keep praying that no other cancer is found.

I cried today....I'm still crying even now. I'm crying for my Mom, my Sister, My Children, My Family, My Friends and for myself. I'll go to sleep tonight with a heavy heart.

I went outside today!

Today I woke up early but I did not get out of bed until after 9AM. I took a shower and Tyler milked my drainage tubes as Angie watched. The next thing I knew Angie was shaking and her eyes were closing. Then she started to fall down, I told Tyler to grab her quick. Then Angie had to lay down for awhile as she was really faint. Angie doesn't think watching the tubes get milked had anything to do with it but I do. Not only that but she saw my body as well. I have a scar on my back from my spine to just before the side of my breast. Not a pretty site. In addition I have a breast that has no nipple and then she's looking at the tubes being milked. It was a lot for her to take in. It kinda of reminded me of the "Bride of Frankenstein". At the same time I hear the words from others who have seen my breast say how good they look and they are amazed. The Plastic surgeon is particulary proud of his work.

Mom stopped by but she didn't stay. However, she did comment on the fact that it was almost 11Am and I had not eaten yet. We teased Angie all day and told her she was in trouble cause she had not fed me. Angie said she knew she was in trouble and that her plan had been for us to have gotten out for food before Mom came. It was really funny! It was also nice to hear that Mom went to health club today. She looked so pretty and rested!

After Angie recovered, we went to the Egg & I for breakfast. I had a waffle combo. Breyen went with us, in fact, she did the driving today. Then we stopped by the eye doctor, the nurse there was very interested in my recovery and was amazed to see that I was back up on my feet. Then we went to the health food store; I wanted to do some research on natural healing supplements for cancer. I found a few things, but I was only able to purchase one, they are pretty expensive. From there, we went on to Angelic's bakery. I have been craving a double chocolate cup cake, it was hmm, hmm good. My appetite has kicked back in and I will need to be careful or I'll be fat before long. It felt really good to bet out of the house today.

When we came home I had some visitors, BabySisterm, Nona, Mary, Cory and JoAnne. I'm getting really spoiled. I love my visits.

I plan to start reading, I think my mind is getting clearer so I'm going to take on some reading material around cancer nutrition and prevention. I also plan to spend some time on the phone with various foundations for assistance in paying co pays, co-insurance and out of pocket expenses. Prayerfully there will be some assistance out there for me.

I scheduled the bone scans the ct scan of the chest and stomach for Wednesday of this week. Please pray that there is no other cancer anywhere else in body. Praying for the blessings of Abraham.

Going Forward

I've been home a little over a week. I've been trying to be a good patient and do what the Doc's have instructed. Mom stayed with me at the house for a few days. She probably would have stayed longer but she's angry with me a lot for not allowing her to help in the way that she wants to help. She and I are having a hard time reconciling what this illness means in terms of needed care. Mom is a natural caregiver and I believe in another she would make a very good nurse. However, she is a nurse for Rev at church...it fits her well. So why does it not fit with me? I've thought and thought and I really can't come up with a real answer. I try very hard to be patient and nice, but it seems I hurt my mother more often than not and it's really wearing on me. I feel so guilty. It takes a lot of strength to try to please my mom and myself and I just don't have the energy. She got so mad at me on election night and really I felt it was trivia but it hurt her feelings as I said to her "I'm sorry this is happening to you". At that point she went home and for a moment I really felt abandoned. However since that time, I realize it was probably for the best. I'm comfortable when she goes home because I hope she is resting and sleeping in her own bed. I know that there's nothing like sleeping in your own bed and I'm less afraid that she is going to overwork herself. I remind myself that she's no spring chicken. It scared Breyen when Mom went home, she wanted to know when Grandma was coming back and asked in a small child like voice.."she is coming back isn't she?" I realized then that she was afraid to be alone with me. However, the next day she stepped right up and milked my drainage tubes. In fact both she and Tyler have stepped up and drained the tubes when needed. I love to hear Mom come in door, but it still bothers me that she works so hard when she's here, she never sits down. But I'm getting use to it. I ask myself what's really bothering me with Mom and I suppose I see her getting older. I mean really joining seniors in her behavior, attitude and energy. And her instead of me helping her; she's been bending over backwards trying to help me. I suppose in some ways we will continue to struggle as we are both fiercly independent but we have to find a real comfort level, I really need that because I don't have the energy for anything more.

I went to the monthly cancer support group this past week and Mom was a little upset that I didn't invite her. However the group is for women who actually have cancer, no family members. I think it would help Mom and the girls to attend the support group meetings for caregivers and family members. I gave Mom the care with the lady's name and number who runs the program. I do hope that she will call.

I have had so many visitors since I have been home. I hope as I continue to the journey to healing that they will continue to come to support me, listen to me and just sit with me. My Sister from Detroint drove in to see me and one of my very best friends is in from California watching over me. Her Mom drove her here tonight, she lost her husband to cancer and it was hard for her to come in to see me, so I truly appreciate her coming. I have another friend that made it to the drive way, she texted and said she would try to come another time, she couldn't bring herself to come in. Dani and Mike stopped by and Mike prayed with me (it was if he took the words out my own mind). I have another friend Anita who calls but she can't talk to me for long because she cries. Cuzin Frieda sat with me for hours yesterday, Cuzin Annie sleep with me on the couch today :) Friends and neighbors have brought food. And Chris is the one who sent me the lovely Worry Box with three crystal angels. I know that everyone has to deal with this thing the way they need to. Part of me wants to let everyone know that I am still me, but another part of me knows that there is a profound difference and I can never be the same. Physically, we know I will never be the same. As I heal and look at my body...well let's just say it isn't pretty and until I can speak a little more positive about it I will refrain from discussing it for now. I'll get back to it though because the purpose of the blog is to help me get it all out.

I have been getting better each day, that is to say I'm getting my strength back and I'm getting my range of motion back in my arm. The pain is getting better, though it still catches me off guard at times. I'm back to taking showers and that feels pretty darn good. Everyone said I look good and sound good and all things considered I guess so. However, mentally I'm struggling. I battle with satan all day long, telling him that Jesus has already saved me and healed me. I'm tired of him snipping at me. And I'm little more teary eyed at times and even when my eyes are not shedding tears, the back of my throat is straining to keep the tears out of my voice. One saving grace is that the girls seem to be doing well, they are spending more time together, and it is wonderful to hear laughter coming from their rooms. Tyler was able to delay an official recruting visit so that I can attend with her so as much as possible their lives are settled for now. I don't have much more right now. I'm trying to get back on top of blogging so from this summary of the past week, I will consider myself back on schedule. I hope I can keep up.

Continue to pray and believe!

Going Home

Well the day finally came to go home. I was able to eat, I had less pain, and I was sitting up on my own. Breyen and Baby Sister made the trip back from Homewood to Hightland Park to bring Mom and me home. The Hospital feed me breakfast, I got dressed very slowly and gingerly with MOm's help. The nurse showed Mom how to milk my tubes. Mom did one on her own, I could tell she was really uncomfortable working with the tubes but she did it anyway. I had four drainage tubes, two in my breast and two in my back. As I was preparing to go home, Dr. Krause stopped by to tell me their was a bit of a surprise in the pathology report. The results showed that there is cancer in the lymph nodes. He told me that I would have to have Chemo and possibly more surgery to remove more lymph nodes. He looked like he wanted to cry. He scared me so I asked if this cancer at this point is still something we can beat. He told me yes, but that he was sad because he really liked me and he told me that this meant more work for me. I told him, we would continue to work together to fight this thing. Mom had this totally disappointed look on her face. It put a sadness in my heart, but I'm still determined to fight.

I had been taking a narcatic oral pain mediciation and since no Doc's were coming in, we didn't know who we could get to write the prescription. Dr. Krause did that for me before he left the hospital.

As I was wheeled out I said good-bye to some of the nurses who took such good care of me. Then I was out in the fresh air. I sat in the back seat and had BabySister pipe up the heat. The ride home wasn't bad at all. I talked to Angie on the way home and then just sat back and took in the view.

It was nice to get home. The house was nice and clean. Breyen went to get me some shrimp. I think I ate one or two. My sister Katrina was here waiting. Everyone waited on me hand and foot. Later Trina left to go bowling. I know that all of this has been very hard on her. She's my softy. I didn't think she was coming back once she left. I was right because she called to say she had been drinking and did not want to make the drive back. I told her it was okay, but MOm told her if she herself was here that Trina should be too. So Trina said she would come back out of guilt. She did come back, she was still teary eyed. She laid down in the bed with me for a while and we had a chance to to chat. She was nervous about laying in bed with me, she didn't want to hurt me and everyone around me including myself seemed to be coming down with a cold. Trina milked my tubes and I got into bed.

I think everyone was struggling with what to do next. So Breyen, Ferlando and Shawna went out. Trina went downstairs to watch TV. And I went to sleep in my own bed unable to move beyond the spot where I laid down. And Idon't know if Mom ever laid down.

Day two after Surgery

Today is a better day. I'm still totally nauseated but not in pain. Usha the nurse, tried everything to get me to eat. I tried a few crackers. I ordered chicken broth but the smell of it made me sick. I was able to get a popsickle down. Everyone was trying to get me to eat, I tried, I really did but I was so sick, I just couldn't. The decision was made to take me off of the pain pump as they figured that the pain medication was really making me sick. So they stopped the pump and started me on oral pain medication. And the decision was made to remove the cath and allow me to sit up for a while. I managed to sit up for about two hours. Mom was still with me, Louis brought Tyler back to the hospital, Babysister, Katrina and Breyen all sat the evening with me. I ate a bit of lunch. By dinner I was able to eat pretty good and the food was pretty darn tasty!

Erica came to visit, she brought me a pretty pink shirt that I had my eye on from the health club along with a beautiful card and some literature on scripture. I really appreciated her making the trip. It's long hard drive through traffic. When Erica left, everyone else started to leave as well. I really wasn't ready for everyone to go, but it was getting late. I was afraid that I was going to have another bad night. So, when everyone left, Mom and I settled down for the night. I asked for a sleeping pill.

I took my sleeping pill and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. I was really pretty tired. The is to go home tomorrow...so we'll see. As it turned out I slept well. The nurse came in to give me pain medication in the night and after that off to sleep I went. A pretty good day all things considered.

Day after Surgery

Mom stayed the night with me. I was hot most of the night, but Mom was freezing. The Nurse (Sharon) brought Mom a microwave blanket and tucked her in. I think she was able to get some sleep at that point.

When I woke up on Thursday Morning. I was feeling pretty groggy. I was able to order breakfast from a pretty large menu. They had everything from Omelets to fres fruit. I decided on both. The Omelet looked really good, I managed to eat one folkfull! Ferlando came by the hospital to bring me my glasses and the chocolate that Chris gave me before surgery. It was good to get my glasses, because I could really see everyone again. He broke off a few pieces of chocolate for me and it was hm, hm good!

Chris came to see me. Mom went to get something to eat while Chris was visiting. I was happy to see Chris and appreciated her coming such a long way to see me. She was upbeat and funny, she made me laugh a lot. Unfortunately while she was visiting, I became extremely naseauated I puked while she held the barf bowl. She was very gracious, I apologized but I couldn't help it. She was very strong, thank goodness she's not a sympany puker. She stayed and talked to me until Mom got back to the room. Mom told Chris that I had eaten the chocolate that Chris had given me, and they decided that the chocolate has made meme sick. I don't believe it for a minute. That chocolate was the best thing I had since surgery! Later that evening JoAnne came to visit me and she ate the remaining chocolate so that I wouldn't eat it. It was punishment to see her eat my hmm hmm good chocolate! LOL

When night fell I felt a little strange and wide awake. The nurse checked on me around 11PM and then Mom and I turned the lights out and said goodnigt. I had my eyes closed, but I was not really sleeping. I was hoping for sleep but it didn't come. Mom was knocked out, she was snoring. I was glad that she was finally getting some rest.

Around 1:30 AM. Pain hit me. I was on a pain pump and had been pumping the medication every half hour or so, but the pain got out in front of the medication. I was in so much pain, the term "800 pound guerilla" had true meaning. Because, it felt like an 800 pound guerilla was standing on my chest. I hit the button for the nurse to come in and when she arrived and asked what I needed, I was in so much pain that I could not respond. She immediately left the room to go get help. The nurses name was Sandra. When she returned with another nurse, they told me to hit the pain pump. I had already done that to the point that the pump would not allow me another hit. Mom woke up as the nurses were scurrying around trying to help me. She start to say something to me, like why don't I call the Dr. or something. By that time I was crying elephant tears. I managed to grind out between my clinched teeth, "Mom just let me get thru this. From that point on she just looked on with fear in her eyes. It took the nurses about an hour to get the pain under control. In the end, they had to increase the medicaition from the pain pump to allow me a hit every six minutes. When the pain finally subsided, I was able to sleep. Thank God cause I just didn't know how long I could hang on.

The Surgery

On Oct. 29, 2008 I woke up at approximately 4:30 Am. Shanita had come into town to go to the hospital with me. Tyler braided my hair the night before. Shanita and I shared a prayer and off to sleep I went. Anita called around 4:30 AM. She could not sleep. We talked a while and we prayed. When I got off the phone Shanita and I prayed. Then we got up and got the big day started. We had planned to leave at 6AM, Shanita and I were running a little late. I woke Breyen and Tyler, gave them a kiss, told them I loved them and would see them later in the day. They were planning to go to schoolWe picked BabySister up around 6:15AM. Shanita followed me in her van. We drove over to Mom's to pick her up. Mom rode with Shanita. We went to the plastic surgeon's office first. He had to mark my body before surgery. When we got there the office was lock although we could see the Dr.'s car there. We rang the door bell and waited, we called and waited. Finally a nurse came out to let us in. We did not arrive before 8 AM so the Dr. started a surgery in the office. I waited about ten minutes in the exam room and the doctor came in, did the marking, asked me if I had any questions. I told him I did not. He explained that the breast surgeon would do the mastsectomy first which would take about one to two hours and then he would take over.

Mom, Babysister, Shanita and I got back in the cars and headed for the hospital. When we got there, we were directed to Same Day Surgery. The nurses had me get undressed right away. They allowed babysister and Shanita and Mom to stay with me. Later Trina and Shawna arrived and then Ms. JoAnne arrived. Then I was taken to Nuclear Medicine. There I had a type of MRI/Scan that identified lymph nodes directly in connection with the right breast. To perform this procecedure, the tech stuck three needles in the right breast, as she got them to stick where she wanted, she left them in place. It was a lot like acupuncture. Later she came back to the needles and injected a blue dye. They were able to identify three lymp nodes related to right breast, this test did not tell us rather there was cancer in the nodes or not it just identifed them. I was then taken back to Same day surgery and shortly there after they sent some one by the name of Eddie to wheel me into surgery. I was really not ready to go. I was enjoying having all of my surpport all around me. But, Shanita pulled the blanket away and told me to get moving....let's get this over with. Everyone gathered around the gurney for prayer and then off I went. I saw my sister crying...yes she was still crying! Everyone else was holding on to their tears. I was still waiting to cry but I didn't. I said a prayer and went into surgery confident that I was going to come out of surgery just fine. Once they wheeled me away from everyone, I met an anestisist/nurse who had been through the surgery except she did get a tummy tuck. She started the most painless IV I've ever experienced. Her name was Kitty. Dr. Krause came in just as the IV was started. I jumped and asked the nurse what she just did. It felt like she poured hot sauce you know where. She laughed and said so few women have that experience she forgot to tell me about the possibility, we shared this with Dr. Kruase who said he never heard of that and that was the last I remember until after surgery.

After surgery, I woke up in excruiating pain. I can't tell you just how much pain just know it was almost unbearable. I told the nurse to hurry and give me something because it felt like I was having chest labor and that a baby would pop out in any minute. As she hurried to give me something, she laughed at what I said and told me I was really funny! I remember feeling pretty good after that and cracking more jokes. When I came out of recovery, I was still cracking jokes with family and friends. Ferlando has a bit of it on tape. Shanita had to leave to head back to Iowa, but everyone else was still there. Ferlando, Mom, Trina, Babysister,Shawna, Breyen, Tyler, Annie, Darlene, JoAnne, ..... I heard that Rev. Love was there and had left about ten minutes before I came out of recovery. Everyone told me he was so tired he just looked whooped! Thanks Rev for being there. Thanks to everyone else who was there physically and for all of your prayers.

I will have to catch up in the next couple of days, I don't have the energy I had before surgery, so It will have to take a little time to catch the blog up.