Going Forward

I've been home a little over a week. I've been trying to be a good patient and do what the Doc's have instructed. Mom stayed with me at the house for a few days. She probably would have stayed longer but she's angry with me a lot for not allowing her to help in the way that she wants to help. She and I are having a hard time reconciling what this illness means in terms of needed care. Mom is a natural caregiver and I believe in another she would make a very good nurse. However, she is a nurse for Rev at church...it fits her well. So why does it not fit with me? I've thought and thought and I really can't come up with a real answer. I try very hard to be patient and nice, but it seems I hurt my mother more often than not and it's really wearing on me. I feel so guilty. It takes a lot of strength to try to please my mom and myself and I just don't have the energy. She got so mad at me on election night and really I felt it was trivia but it hurt her feelings as I said to her "I'm sorry this is happening to you". At that point she went home and for a moment I really felt abandoned. However since that time, I realize it was probably for the best. I'm comfortable when she goes home because I hope she is resting and sleeping in her own bed. I know that there's nothing like sleeping in your own bed and I'm less afraid that she is going to overwork herself. I remind myself that she's no spring chicken. It scared Breyen when Mom went home, she wanted to know when Grandma was coming back and asked in a small child like voice.."she is coming back isn't she?" I realized then that she was afraid to be alone with me. However, the next day she stepped right up and milked my drainage tubes. In fact both she and Tyler have stepped up and drained the tubes when needed. I love to hear Mom come in door, but it still bothers me that she works so hard when she's here, she never sits down. But I'm getting use to it. I ask myself what's really bothering me with Mom and I suppose I see her getting older. I mean really joining seniors in her behavior, attitude and energy. And her instead of me helping her; she's been bending over backwards trying to help me. I suppose in some ways we will continue to struggle as we are both fiercly independent but we have to find a real comfort level, I really need that because I don't have the energy for anything more.

I went to the monthly cancer support group this past week and Mom was a little upset that I didn't invite her. However the group is for women who actually have cancer, no family members. I think it would help Mom and the girls to attend the support group meetings for caregivers and family members. I gave Mom the care with the lady's name and number who runs the program. I do hope that she will call.

I have had so many visitors since I have been home. I hope as I continue to the journey to healing that they will continue to come to support me, listen to me and just sit with me. My Sister from Detroint drove in to see me and one of my very best friends is in from California watching over me. Her Mom drove her here tonight, she lost her husband to cancer and it was hard for her to come in to see me, so I truly appreciate her coming. I have another friend that made it to the drive way, she texted and said she would try to come another time, she couldn't bring herself to come in. Dani and Mike stopped by and Mike prayed with me (it was if he took the words out my own mind). I have another friend Anita who calls but she can't talk to me for long because she cries. Cuzin Frieda sat with me for hours yesterday, Cuzin Annie sleep with me on the couch today :) Friends and neighbors have brought food. And Chris is the one who sent me the lovely Worry Box with three crystal angels. I know that everyone has to deal with this thing the way they need to. Part of me wants to let everyone know that I am still me, but another part of me knows that there is a profound difference and I can never be the same. Physically, we know I will never be the same. As I heal and look at my body...well let's just say it isn't pretty and until I can speak a little more positive about it I will refrain from discussing it for now. I'll get back to it though because the purpose of the blog is to help me get it all out.

I have been getting better each day, that is to say I'm getting my strength back and I'm getting my range of motion back in my arm. The pain is getting better, though it still catches me off guard at times. I'm back to taking showers and that feels pretty darn good. Everyone said I look good and sound good and all things considered I guess so. However, mentally I'm struggling. I battle with satan all day long, telling him that Jesus has already saved me and healed me. I'm tired of him snipping at me. And I'm little more teary eyed at times and even when my eyes are not shedding tears, the back of my throat is straining to keep the tears out of my voice. One saving grace is that the girls seem to be doing well, they are spending more time together, and it is wonderful to hear laughter coming from their rooms. Tyler was able to delay an official recruting visit so that I can attend with her so as much as possible their lives are settled for now. I don't have much more right now. I'm trying to get back on top of blogging so from this summary of the past week, I will consider myself back on schedule. I hope I can keep up.

Continue to pray and believe!