I cried today

I got up this morning and made a lot of phone calls to various organizations that help cancer patients pay co payments for medications, more specifically chemo. Like eveything else I've encountered, I' can't seem to get ahead. I have to wait until I actually start chemo before I can apply. In the mean time, I will apply for SSI and other assistance to get me by until I can get back on my feet and back to work.

Angie left to go back to California today. It was heart breaking to see her go. She gave me a hug and I just cried and cried. It made me understand my father when he used to say to me. "Daughter I'm happy to see you when come visit but it hurts when you leave". And boy it sure did hurt when she left. God is good though and always on time. As Angie went out the door Ann came in an Mom came shortly after that. I was happy Mom is still looking good, rested and more at peace...that gives me peace. Ann is always good for me esp. when I am being emotional. She keeps me logical. She gave me a big hug when Angie left and brought me back around. We talked about her life, we went to pick up the yukky stuff I have to drink for the scans tomorrow, went to lunch and to Menards for a lamp. As we pulled into the Menard's parking lot, a man told us that Ann's rear passenger tire was flat. So we drove over to Tire Discount and she had to get a new tire. Tyler came to pick us up and we went on shopping for a lamp to brighten the family room, that dim light was driving me crazy.

When I got home, I thought about my sister. She's been MIA. I was disappointed as I thought about her not being around, but I told myself that I'm being selfish(I've had plenty of company. ) I have to let everyone deal with this thing the way they need to. Guees what, she called just as I was thinking about her. She didn't have much to say, but said she would be around this weekend.

Tyler was sad most of the day. She was not her usual happy self and that bothered me. I asked her what was bothering her and I got the same reponse each time "nothing". Clearly there was something. She did do a few more college applications, she pouted through the whole process and ended the last application with "I can't do this". I feel so bad that this is happening to me during her senior year. I just want to see both of the girls happy and I know this is taking a toll on them. They have been so good, doing the things I ask and milking my tubes. Breyen has decided not to go away to school in Jan. as we had planned but will wait instead to go away next fall. It hurts to have them put their lives on hold for me. I know Tyler really wants to go away and I want her to go and I hope that they will both push on regardless of me. I know Mom how you feel....because I feel so helpless.

The bone scan, chest scan and stomach scan are tomorrow....keep praying that no other cancer is found.

I cried today....I'm still crying even now. I'm crying for my Mom, my Sister, My Children, My Family, My Friends and for myself. I'll go to sleep tonight with a heavy heart.