Mixed Emotions

Thanksgiving was a day of mixed emotions. It was quiet, at least for me. Breyen and Rachel cooked the dishes that I would typically contribute to the Thanksgiving meal. I am really proud of them for putting forth the effort. They did a good job for the first time. It was funny because they got really tired and realized how much work it is to prepare such a big feast.

I stayed in bed much of the day, talking on the phone and catching up with friends and family. Breyen and Tyler took me over to Mom's around 4pm. I was ready to eat. Aunt Girthy blessed the meal. She is 93 or 94 now, the last of my grandmother's siblings. She told me she is praying for me and that I get better. It almost made me cry. I don't know why some people make me cry when they tell me they are praying for me. Perhaps it's because I wonder if I'll live to be a ripe old age.

Dinner was good, but there was no joy. I took a break for a while and went into Ferlando's room for some quiet time. I had the opportunity to sit back and really see my family, and I didn't like what I saw. The young are so lost, immature, spoiled and selfish. They are babies raising babies. There's a huge generation gap. Somehow I thought initially that what's going on with me would help to bring family together, but that certainly in not the case, at least not across all of the family. I have to find a new place mentally in this family. I miss Aintee she was good at keeping family together, but I'll keep praying we'll get there. My sister and I had an opportunity to talk that was nice, even though we kept getting interupted.

After dinner we watched movies, at least a few of us. The young people went in another room and took a nap, the babies ran around. I felt pretty useless. I guess it's a part of finding my new place.

I was glad I was not in the room when Mom's acid tongue went after Breyen. I talked to Breyen about it today and she was very hurt and angry. I told her to be the big person and not hold any grudges and that God would not like that. I hope I got through to her. There are some other things going on with her but she would not let me in. I can only pray.

There's a lot bottled up inside of me right now, but I can't seem to get it out. I could just scream!

I went to physical thearpy today and that felt really good. I ran on the thread mill at a speed of 5.0 with a 15 incline. The ideal is to workout during chemo and feel good during chemo. I find that the most encouraging aspect of all of this as I love to work out. I can't wait for Chris to get back hopefully we can get back to a reqular schedule. I won't be able to work out at the intensity level that we worked out at before but it will hold me until after chemol

Tyler drove me around today, she had a trying day. She did the black Friday shopping and someone stole her phone. Her Dad helped her replace it. I feel so sorry for her, it's her senior year and she's such a lively fun loving person and a damper has been put on her senior year. I hope al works out for her. She has a NCAA official visit next week and I don't know if I will be abler to attend, but somehow it will work out.

I am thankful for being here, thankful for family, thankful for so many blessings and looking forward to Thanksgiving day 2009 and getting together with family and contributing to the meal. It was just weird having to sit on the sidelines, but nice to just put my feet under the table, hard to hear family state of affairs. Thus the mixed emotions!

Looking forward to working out tomorrow, anyone want to join me for a workout!