It Is What It Is

I think I'm getting it. This Cancer thing is what it is. My focus is on survival now. There are many side effects and scars both mentally and physically, but "it is what it is". It could be worst. I have met so many survivors and I want and plan to be in that number. I am going to work on stepping back. There are so many things going on around me that distract me from focusing on healing. Breyen is always a distraction in one way or another, Tyler getting into college with some type of scholarship is another distraction, and getting the girls to step up to plate to keep the house clean and neat is another distraction. However, now that I am getting stronger I can do a lot of clean up myself, but I still find it frustrating that I have to pick up behind them. Sometimes, I think, wow, when they are both gone I can clean my house and keep it clean. People tell me to close door, I've tried it just doesn't work for me. It's a small thing in the scheme of things so I have to step back, My Mom is so worried about me and super emotional, I have to step back from that too. I've been trying to manage her worries and do things to keep her happy. I have to step back. I have to step up and stand firm in my faith that God will not give me more than I can bear and that he will heal me. My focus is to become dogmatic in that thinking. I will pray for the girls and for Mom that God will hold them up give them what they need. So that's where I am for now...stepping back, steping up and realizing "it is what it is".

Tyler and I went to NIU this past weekend on an official recruiting visit. Interesting! I think Tyler learned a lot and so did I. I think they have a wonderful academic program. I didn't realize it was so close. It was my first trip away from home since surgery. It went well. I missed my physical thearpy appointment because traffic was so bad on the way back due the our first snowfall for this cold weather season. Tyler goes to Il State this weekend. She will go with Louis because I am suppose to start chemo on Thursday (I'll get back to that in a minute).

I went to Church last Sunday. It felt good to be there, but it also felt surreal. I hope that chemo will allow me to get back. I will have chemo on Thursday's so the weekend is considered wipe out days. We shall see what my body decides to do.

I've been going to physical thearpy and the thearpist is wonderful. I've only seen her twice and I've made so much progress. The range of motion in my arm is almost back to normal. She is also teaching me how to work out at a certain target rate, as it is expected that I will workout everyday even during chemo, except of course on what they call wipe out days. It's great for me because I love to work out and hopefully it will help me manage this wait I've gained. In addition the thearpist strecthes the skin around my scar and that feeling amazingly good. She has also given me a technique to slow down the fluid build up on my back which is wonderful. When the fluid is on my back I'm stiff and sore. I went to see the plastic surgeon today and he drained a small amount of fluid from my back, nothing like the huge tube he drew off my back. Hopefully it will stop completely soon. The Dr. thinks one more visit to check for fluid should do it and then he will release me until after Chemo and radiation at which time I will go back for more surgery to complete the reconstuction.

Tomorrow is my last day before the first day of chemo. Atleast that was what was planned. However there is now a possibility that that won't happen. The last blood work I had indicated that my red blood cell count is still down, iron levels are low and on top of all of that, I have a cold. I've been working on the cold with vitimin C, it's getting better. Either way I will have minor surgery on Thursday to put the port in for chemo (another scar!). So we shall see.

Tomorrow is a busy day, I get my teeth cleaned, I go in for relaxation thearpy, I have physical thearpy, I have a possible dinner date, and a support group meeting. If chemo does happen maybe I'll be tired enough to sleep through it.