Depressed

I've not been very productive this week. I have been laying around doing nothing. I see lots of things that need to be done, but I don't have the umph to get up to get anything done. I need to mop floor, file papers and give the bathrooms a good cleaning. The girls wipe at stuff but don't really clean. I fussed at the girls tonight because their priorities are not at home but rather else where or so it seems to me. I ask at the beginning of the day for the house to be cleaned and at midnight still nothing done. I'm trying not to use my energy fussing esp since it seems to bring on the tingling. I think I'm really depressed because I did so well with the last chemo treatment. I had prayed for no symptoms and my prayer was answere. The symtons I had I didn't even know were symptoms (side effects). I continue to pray for no side effects. I am hoping and praying tha these last two treaments will not be so bad. I'm trying to suck it up,; the tingling gets so bad that it becomes painful. I know I know it could be worst and tonight I sat in my bed trying to remain calm realaxed until it passed. I pray that it doesn't get worst next week when I go back for the next treatment because I'll probably wound up on some medication that knocks me out and does not allow me to be up and about. This tingling makes me react like a junkie going through withdrawal. But tonight I sucked it up. It seems to get really bad at night, it's not so bad during the day.

I talked to Tee today. Larry had his surgery. He was scheduled to come home today. I will have to check on her because Larry is not a good patient. I'm probably not either esp not now with the ting ting tingling!!!!! Well I'm working on getting out of this depressiive state...Pray for me! I'm praying for us all.

Holla

Oh My God

OMG that's all I could utter tonight. The tingling and burning (neuropathy) is making me feel like I could just jump out of my skin or run in front of truck to take me out of my misery. The neusea was bad and this, this is just as bad. Different but just as bad. I spent time on the internet today looking for information on how to get relief from this. I found several studies with indications that Acetpel L Carnitine has been proven to help, vitamin B6, vitamin E, Tylenol, percoset, vicadin, a positive attitude, laughter, socializing and prayer. I have the Carnitine hoping it will kick in soon, taking vitamin E and rubbin vitamin E on my feet and hands, the other stuff puts me to sleep so I can't function with it during the day. I guess it doesn't matter since I can't seem to function when the tingling hits anyway. I have two more chemo treatments to go. I know God won't give more than I bear, but I am praying for relief. I feel like a crazy person, like I'm going out of my mind. According to my research it will get worse with each treatment. I recall that he doctor said that the body's first reaction would remain about the same....WRONG!! I don't know if he said that to encourage me, decrease my anxiety or if he out right lied or just doesn't know any better. Or I guess it could be as it has been through this treatment, I'm the 1 in 100 that gets whacked. Taking a shower brings it on even more, so I make the shower quick and then hold on for dear life! Pray of me.


I saw Mom today at the club. I was amazed that she brought her friends over to meet me. They were very encouraging telling me that they had me on various prayer lists for which I am grateful and I thanked them. I realized at that moment that I am angry at my mother, her treatment and the things she said to me over weekend hit hard. However, I quickly realized that I can't afford the energy for anger. I put the love for my mother out in front, I forgive her and I forgive myself. I've prayed about it and now I will be still.

I got a call from recruiters today. I was really feeling encouraged. They want me to go on an interview. I know I can do the job, but oh my God with this tingling I'm not so sure I can work and yet I desparately need to work. I'm watching Oprah's show highligthing injured soldiers and I realize I am so blessed and yet it's still hard getting through the chemo side effects.

Praying for relief!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holla

Neuropathy is no fun

Today I neuropathy (tingling, burning and itching) in my hands and feet. It made me feel like I wanted to jump out of my skin or run into a wall and knock myself out. I thank God I did have a break for one treatment but after the neuropathy, the bone pain, the muscle pain and the fatigue I have anxiety about the last two. I just keep praying that God will see me through to complete healing. I felt so icky today I had to come in and take a show and lay myself down. I had to relax so that the neuropathy would not drive me out of my mind.

PeeWee left today. I enjoyed her being here. We just had a leisure day. I know she was tired after working with her husband and in-laws making funeral arrangements and attending services before coming here. I'm happy she came to celebrate my birthday on the heels of a sad occassion. And, I have not seen her since all of the breast cancer stuff started.

I got a call today for a job interview and I want and need to get back to work, so hopefully the timing of everything will work out. I hope radiation will allow me to work. I will have to find money for another interview suit because the steriod they have me on has put 12 pounds on me. I stay in sweats because all of my cllothes are tight or too small. I am going to have a lot of work to do to get back into my clothes. Oh well.

I have physical therapy tomorrow, I hope all of the pain is gone because I know I will have to run on the treadmill. I pray the neuropathy is gone....forever!!!!

Holla

My 50th Birthday

Well when I woke up this morning I was feeling pretty good. But that was spoiled because I had words with my Mom. By now I should know to just be quiet and listen, but I responded and things did not, go well. What a way to start my birthday. I don't think my mother ever plans to speak to me again. It hurts as much as having cancer itself, except I just don't know how to fix it. Who would have thought that my mother and I would would wind up at odds during all of this. Well just pray we can both find a comfortable spot for all of this and that I can continue to heal both mentally and physicially. Just praying that the rest of the day goes better.

Well the rest of the day went well considering that my Mom and I could not resolve our differences. We just srcreamed at each other and pointed fingers for our failures at communicating and understanding each other. I can only pray. It's hard to be abandoned by a mother period and even harder when you are going through some things and don't have your health. But I gave it to it to God and went on to enjoy the rest of my day.

PeeWee came into town and spent the night and today we went to Villa De Bruno's for brunch. A lot of my friends were there. JoAnne, Annie and PeeWee made the plans and it was good to see everyone that came out to celeberate my fifith birthday. Thank you JoAnne, Annie, PeeWee, Babysister, Joyce, Darlene, Ferlando, Maria, Ariel, Katrina, LaShawna, Mel, Tyler and Ferlando Thank you for coming out, it meant a lot. Maria and Ariel came back to the house and we played "Catch My Drift" it was a lot of fun. Breyen was MIA most of the day, but she was here this evening. Thanks everyone for the cards, calls and gifts.

Fifty, wow I've joined a new dedcade, the fifties club and my AARP card was right on time :).

"All things are possible through Christ Jesus" Remaining prayerful!

Today was a good day!
Holla

Tomorrow is my Birthday

Well, tomorrow is my 50th birthday. I will spend the day with family and friends and that does my heart good. It's not what I envisioned but I'm thanking God for it. The only downer is that my mother has decided that she does not want to participant or have anything to do with the plans for my 50th birthday celebration. She's mad at me again. It's just too much. This time she's angry because she thinks I choose to go see Madea goes to jail with my friends rather than with her. Had she given me a chance before she slammed and walked out the house I was trying to tell her we could go see it and I could still go back on my birthday. I knew JoAnne and Annie were trying to plan something. Everyone has been asking what I want for my birthday and I told everyone I really just want my health. Besides that I was so sick on Friday and I was in soooo much pain I couldn't get out of the bed other than to go to the bathroom and wound up in bed until today. I'm just starting to feel better today. No matter that Mom won't be there tomorrow; she has to do what she needs to do to take care of herself and I will always love and appreciate her but I can't continue to use energy, sweating the small stuff. It's too hard and this treatment for this disease zaps much of my strength mentally and physically so there's not much left for other stuff. I have to keep strength for the girls and fiances to try to keep a roof over my head and get Tyler off to college. She was accepted to Hampton today and she is extremely happy about that!

This wipe out as a result of this chemo treatment surprised me. I did so well last time and I think I assumed that this one would be easy too, so when the pain and fatigue hit I was caught off guard. I didn't do hydration this week and that may be why I got hit so hard, or it may just be that the next two are going to be just as hard; I don't know. As more of this junk gets into your system the worst it gets. I have two more treatments to go before radiation just keep praying for no side effects. I have been exercising, it's painful and hard and yet it feels good. Bone pain, muscle pain and Joint pain and neuropathy...some combination and in addition my white blood cell count was down so I had a shot of neulasta which also cause joint and muscle pain. I could hardly walk, but I tried not to let anyone know that. I told Chris and she continued to encourage me to workout which really does help. Thanks Chris for hanging in there with me.

PeeWee is here; she's staying with me. I'm worried because I love it when people come to stay with me but I hate to see the go. I never understood until now; but my Dad used to always tell me that he loved to see me come but he hated for me to leave. Now I know exactly what he meant and how he felt.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I'll spruce up a bit put on some hair and makeup and enjoy the day. I love you all!

Holla

Sitting in the Chemo Chair #6

Well as most of you know the last chemo treatment went well with the exception that I had a cold. Today was I sat in the chemo chair for treatment #6. Six down and two to go. The treatment made me sleepy because it is given with a hugh amount of intervenous benadryl. I did manage to get my lunch in before it knocked me out. Mom came to pick me up and we then picked up Ferlando. I can in and managed to prepare dinner with Tyler's assistance. Bree checked out on us after she got in from class. Ferlando came back over and work on our computer and ate dinner with us. That is after I managed to get myself out of bed. This treatment did make my stocmach a little queasy. It made me feel like I had to move my bowels diahearra style but it didn't happen. Also, I have to go in tomorrow to get a neulasta shot because my white blood cell count is down. I was disappointed about that because neulasta causes joint pain. Taxol cause bone pain, muscle pain and neuropathy. Mixing these two drugs together may not be any fun. I'm continue to pray for no side effects. I was feeling so good after getting over the cold I had with last treatment, so you know I really did not want to go sit in that chemo chair today.

I spoke with an Inidan women who set next to me today. She was so upset because she had six chemo treatments and they did not work and they were now going to do a CT scan of the brain and continue her on chemo. I told her that I would pray for her and I did just that. It is so heart wrecking because from personal experience, I do know that it is hard. It's hard to go through and it's hard to watch anyone else go through. I pray that the chemo is working for me, I don't even want to begin to think about what having to continue with chemo would do to me mentally and physically. So just pray. I am praying for Tee, she is the care taken for her other half who is having surgery on Friday. I hope all goes well.

oh, yeah, I am growing peach fuzz on my head and hair under my arms. Get this the peach fuzz on my head is gray, imagine that! Well Buggs and Dar I may be joining you with that beautiful salt and pepper hair. See I really am in the family!

Oh yeah, Happy Valentineseveryone. I hope you had a good day. I attended a Mother's Informing Mother Valentine breakfast. It was a nice opportunity to fellowship with other mother's and share encouraging words. I purchase a shirt for myself, I had to get a medium, who never had to have a meduium shirt and now I'm gaining weight and don't even want to think about getting into another pair of pants other than a pair of sweats! Exericse I need you, chemo I need to be finished with you so that I can cut back on eating and get my body back together.

I plan to start putting resumes out at the begining of March, I need to get back to work. Dr. said if I do well on next treatment he will release me to work. Yea! Well I have to get up at 4 AM so Holla Yall

I ran today

Today in physical thearpy I was given the clearance to run on the treadmill. I was so excited. I got on the treadmill and ran in intervals. I ran for one minute and walked for three for twenty minutes. I really felt good and came right on time because I have gained ten pounds since chemo started. I hate being heavy, I feel so uncomfortable. I know, I know I need the weight for the chemo and I will not diet but I will try to get back in the gym on a daily basis on my off chemo weeks. I am too excited. I have three chemo treatments to go. Pray that the cancer cells are all gone. I guess we will start talking about radiation soon. I will probably have to have 25 to 30 zaps. Pray for no damage, yep even that can cause ugly side effects.

I have decided to start fighting small battles with the girls to get them to get things done around the house, but it is stressful so I need to be careful because my health comes first. Breyen hopefully will be back in school next week. Tyler is now being recruited by U of I and still she is not satisfied. Pray for her, so many kids would love to be in her spot. Money is really the issue here and the schools that are recruiting her are good schools. Wish I could be so luck with finding and getting a good paying job and excellent health!

I went to visit Tyra today. She is so beautiful and funny. She had surgery last week and is at home healing. It was nice to be able to visit someone else. It will be even better when I can get back on my feet and give back to all those who have been so supportive of me.

I felt really good today. Thank you Jesus!

Holla

Six Days later

It's six days out since my last chemo. This one was not so bad and I am feeling encouraged. I prayed for no side effects. I did have a few but in comparison to what to the side efffects I've experienced over the last couple of months this was a breeze. I'm prayerful that it will remain this way. I did have a cold this time and had to be on an anit-biotic so I stayed in most of the week. Unfortunately I had to go into the club on Thursday night. It was really hard to be there because I really didn't feel well. I was cold and feeling week, but I managed. I came straigt in and went to bed. I'm not sure if it was the cold that had me feeling weak and fatigue or if it was the chemo. I did have IV fluids the day after chemo but I ate good and was able to get fluids down this week. It was gud!

Tyler had a track meet this week, she could not run though because she has a conconsion. She almost knocked herself out when she stood up at school and hit her head on the locker. I am looking for forward to seeing her run this year and praying that she has another successful year. I love to see her run. Hopefully I will make the first official indoor track meet. Three more treatments to go and I will be able to be at all of the outdoor meets.

I do realize that I am truly blessed, things could be worst. And all of you who read the blog, those who don't or don't even know about itl...you have all been a blessing...how do I say Thank you except to say Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I don't how I could ever give you all what you have given me, love, support, it's awesome and overwhelming!

I plan to start getting my resume out starting the first of month. Given this last chemo treatment I am feeling like I can get back to work. I definitely need to get back that's for sure. I told Tyler we have to start planning dates to shop for Prom and maybe visit a few collages. Sitting on the couch everyday is a drag and the walls close in so I need to be more focused and productive. I pray that God will inject her with some endorphins that will allow her to laugh like she used to, to silly and funny which is so her brings me so much joy. I pray she can get excited about college and start looking forward to college life.

Mom keeps the house clean and meals cooked. She's angry with the girls for not doing more. She doesn't have any faith in my children which disappoints me because that makes me feel that she has not faith in me. Children today are tough and I want the best for both of them and keep them in prayer. These are tough times for us and I wish I could help my Mom put on a positive face (have a positive attitude) but it's not her disposition. I've struggled with her negative outlook most of my life. I think I've moved beyond it and will try to be positive for all of us.

I continue to be encouraged, keep praying. I go to the doctor tomorrow, let ya know how it goes.

Holla!

Chemo today

I had my fifth chemo treatment today. The chemo was with the single drug, it took about 5 hours. First I received an anti neusea drug, that tooke about half hour. Then I received a steroid and benadryl. That benadryl made me so sleepy, I tried to fight it but I couldn't so I slept much of the time that I was receiving the chemo. It's Monday night and so far I'm doing ok. My mouth is dry and food tastes funny but so far so good....no neusea. Pray that it continues that way and that I get no bone pain. I go back in tomorrow for hydration that will take about two hours.

Mom took me to chemo but it wasn't pleasant because she's mad at me again. I guess she's really mad, she blew the horn for me this morning, she did not get out of the car until I beckened her in. She didn't talk to me except where absolutely necessary and when she picked me up I got the same. She dropped me of, she did not come in, she saw Breyen's car in the drive way and said Breyen should be able to fix you something to eat. I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY MOTHER!!!! I had a lot of anxiety today about this new chemo drug and could not believe I had mom's behavior/anger to deal with as well. I just don't have the energy. I have to focus on getting well and not sweating the small stuff. I love my mother and will continue to pray for her, for us.

I'll let you know how it goes over the next couple of days!

Holla!

Chemo Number Five

Well tomorrow is another chemo day. I'm not looking forward to it, but I can tick another one off the calendar. Tomorrow is the first chemo with the single chemo drug. It's suppose to be less neuseating. I certainly hope so. I am praying for no side effects. I started feeling better Thursday from the last treatment so I've had five pretty good days. Chris and Sandra took me out to lunch on Friday. It was nice to get out be around normal folks. Annie and Darlene took me out Friday night and that was nice we talked and had a few good laughs. Yesterday I took Tyler up north to do some shopping for her birthday. She wants to get a tatoo for her birthday, so she will be the first to get her "God Heals Tattoo. Hopefully I will recover enough from this chemo treatment to take her next week. Actually today, Feb 1, is Tyler's 18th birthday. Both of my babies have grown up. I went over to Mom's today to watch the Superbowl with Ferlando and Nona. We had so much fun. Breyen, Trina, Shawna and Tyler came through as well. The girls love Larry Fitzgerald's booty (Arizona) :).

Yall just keep praying! Holla back at yall shortly!