Thanksgiving was a day of mixed emotions. It was quiet, at least for me. Breyen and Rachel cooked the dishes that I would typically contribute to the Thanksgiving meal. I am really proud of them for putting forth the effort. They did a good job for the first time. It was funny because they got really tired and realized how much work it is to prepare such a big feast.
I stayed in bed much of the day, talking on the phone and catching up with friends and family. Breyen and Tyler took me over to Mom's around 4pm. I was ready to eat. Aunt Girthy blessed the meal. She is 93 or 94 now, the last of my grandmother's siblings. She told me she is praying for me and that I get better. It almost made me cry. I don't know why some people make me cry when they tell me they are praying for me. Perhaps it's because I wonder if I'll live to be a ripe old age.
Dinner was good, but there was no joy. I took a break for a while and went into Ferlando's room for some quiet time. I had the opportunity to sit back and really see my family, and I didn't like what I saw. The young are so lost, immature, spoiled and selfish. They are babies raising babies. There's a huge generation gap. Somehow I thought initially that what's going on with me would help to bring family together, but that certainly in not the case, at least not across all of the family. I have to find a new place mentally in this family. I miss Aintee she was good at keeping family together, but I'll keep praying we'll get there. My sister and I had an opportunity to talk that was nice, even though we kept getting interupted.
After dinner we watched movies, at least a few of us. The young people went in another room and took a nap, the babies ran around. I felt pretty useless. I guess it's a part of finding my new place.
I was glad I was not in the room when Mom's acid tongue went after Breyen. I talked to Breyen about it today and she was very hurt and angry. I told her to be the big person and not hold any grudges and that God would not like that. I hope I got through to her. There are some other things going on with her but she would not let me in. I can only pray.
There's a lot bottled up inside of me right now, but I can't seem to get it out. I could just scream!
I went to physical thearpy today and that felt really good. I ran on the thread mill at a speed of 5.0 with a 15 incline. The ideal is to workout during chemo and feel good during chemo. I find that the most encouraging aspect of all of this as I love to work out. I can't wait for Chris to get back hopefully we can get back to a reqular schedule. I won't be able to work out at the intensity level that we worked out at before but it will hold me until after chemol
Tyler drove me around today, she had a trying day. She did the black Friday shopping and someone stole her phone. Her Dad helped her replace it. I feel so sorry for her, it's her senior year and she's such a lively fun loving person and a damper has been put on her senior year. I hope al works out for her. She has a NCAA official visit next week and I don't know if I will be abler to attend, but somehow it will work out.
I am thankful for being here, thankful for family, thankful for so many blessings and looking forward to Thanksgiving day 2009 and getting together with family and contributing to the meal. It was just weird having to sit on the sidelines, but nice to just put my feet under the table, hard to hear family state of affairs. Thus the mixed emotions!
Looking forward to working out tomorrow, anyone want to join me for a workout!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanksgiving
On Monday Chris took me to the Hospital for a MUGA Scan, which tests the strength of the heart. The heart needs to be strong because one of the Chemo drugs can adversely affect the heart. It was another scan that required and IV, oh joy! Chris was a gem. She waited patiently and treated me to breakfast afterward. I had an opportuntity to discuss my condition with Chris. I was worried because she lost her sister and her father to cancer. I did not want her to be faced with that with me. She admitted that had crossed her mind. I plan to be here to live and continue to run, work out, golf and have play dates with Chris. I am thankful Chris is going to hang in there with me. She is also she is going to help me with my physical thearpy.
I saw the plastic surgeon yesterday. He decided that I didn't need any more stretching which is good cause it's so uncomfortable. He also drew fluid from my back. I had not been able to sleep on my right side because it hurt. It also hurt to have the needle stuck in my back to withdraw the fluid from my back, but it felt so much better afterward and I was able to sleep on my right side. The fluid is already starting build again so now I will need to go every week to have the fluid drawn down. I am glad I will be able to sleep on my right side because after the port for the chemo is put in my chest on the left side, I will not be able to sleep on that side. The port will be put in next Thursday and I will receive the first chemo treatment the same day.
Today I went to physical thearpy for the first time. It was actually fun. It was a little like being in the gym, so you know that felt good to me, esp. since I've gained this weight. I have to find a happy balance with this weight thing, cause today I put on a pair of pants that were entirely too tight and I wear these pants all the time. It has been explained to me that I will probably gain weight because the anti nausea drugs and other steriod given to help you feel well make you gain weight. I'm in trouble cause I have no big clothes and surely can't afford to buy any. Oh well I'll work on that later.
Breyen and Tyler are at odds with each other. It makes for a very uncomfortable environment. Breyen is kinda back to her old ways and Tyler has little tolerance for it this time around. I've set them down and talk to both of them regarding what I will need from them while on chemo. I can only pray that hey hear me and will respect my wishes. It makes me a little nervous to be here in the house with them and feeling weak. Louis tried talking to Breyen but nothing seem to make a difference. I have to give it over to prayer. Funny thing though Breyen is being very helpful preparing for Thanksgiving dinner. Rachel brought most of the food and tonight she and Breyen got in the kitchen and got busy. Rachel made potatoe salad, Breyen prepared the potato casserole, she's working on the homemade rolls and the german chocolate cake. Tyler's best friend's Mom made me a banan pudding and it's almost gone, so I don't think it will make Thanksgiving!
It feels strange to me because I usally prepare these foods and dinner is usually at my house. I'm glad I didn't have to take it on. I could have, but it's been nice sitting back and watching. Hopefully, it will taste as good...yeap I just gave myself a pat on back. I'm still not absolutely sure where we are having dinner, either at Babysister's or Mom's. It will be my first time just putting my feet under the table and eat and I don't even have to wash dishes afterward. A girl could get use to this. Aggg...not really, I look forward to next year and getting back to cooking. However, I do realize that this is a good experience for the girls! I will need to just pray for the girls!
I will go wig shopping next week, I need to be prepared cause I have a big head and I don't know if I can do bald in public. I've already cut my hair short, but I know it will still be hard to see my hair fall out. We'll see how it goes.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am giving Thanks for being here, for my support from family and friends and the good health of family and friends as well as the cure that I know God has planned for me.
Happy Thanks giving
I saw the plastic surgeon yesterday. He decided that I didn't need any more stretching which is good cause it's so uncomfortable. He also drew fluid from my back. I had not been able to sleep on my right side because it hurt. It also hurt to have the needle stuck in my back to withdraw the fluid from my back, but it felt so much better afterward and I was able to sleep on my right side. The fluid is already starting build again so now I will need to go every week to have the fluid drawn down. I am glad I will be able to sleep on my right side because after the port for the chemo is put in my chest on the left side, I will not be able to sleep on that side. The port will be put in next Thursday and I will receive the first chemo treatment the same day.
Today I went to physical thearpy for the first time. It was actually fun. It was a little like being in the gym, so you know that felt good to me, esp. since I've gained this weight. I have to find a happy balance with this weight thing, cause today I put on a pair of pants that were entirely too tight and I wear these pants all the time. It has been explained to me that I will probably gain weight because the anti nausea drugs and other steriod given to help you feel well make you gain weight. I'm in trouble cause I have no big clothes and surely can't afford to buy any. Oh well I'll work on that later.
Breyen and Tyler are at odds with each other. It makes for a very uncomfortable environment. Breyen is kinda back to her old ways and Tyler has little tolerance for it this time around. I've set them down and talk to both of them regarding what I will need from them while on chemo. I can only pray that hey hear me and will respect my wishes. It makes me a little nervous to be here in the house with them and feeling weak. Louis tried talking to Breyen but nothing seem to make a difference. I have to give it over to prayer. Funny thing though Breyen is being very helpful preparing for Thanksgiving dinner. Rachel brought most of the food and tonight she and Breyen got in the kitchen and got busy. Rachel made potatoe salad, Breyen prepared the potato casserole, she's working on the homemade rolls and the german chocolate cake. Tyler's best friend's Mom made me a banan pudding and it's almost gone, so I don't think it will make Thanksgiving!
It feels strange to me because I usally prepare these foods and dinner is usually at my house. I'm glad I didn't have to take it on. I could have, but it's been nice sitting back and watching. Hopefully, it will taste as good...yeap I just gave myself a pat on back. I'm still not absolutely sure where we are having dinner, either at Babysister's or Mom's. It will be my first time just putting my feet under the table and eat and I don't even have to wash dishes afterward. A girl could get use to this. Aggg...not really, I look forward to next year and getting back to cooking. However, I do realize that this is a good experience for the girls! I will need to just pray for the girls!
I will go wig shopping next week, I need to be prepared cause I have a big head and I don't know if I can do bald in public. I've already cut my hair short, but I know it will still be hard to see my hair fall out. We'll see how it goes.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I am giving Thanks for being here, for my support from family and friends and the good health of family and friends as well as the cure that I know God has planned for me.
Happy Thanks giving
Sunday, November 23, 2008
A better Place
I woke up this morning and called PeeWee. We talked on the phone like old times. We used to talked every weekend for hours and that's what we did today. It felt good. We talked about our families our hopes, our fears and our futures. We also talked about our past, who would have thought we would be where we are today. Funny how things work out. But talking to her today reminded me of who I am. I've never run away from anything before, I've stood tall and fought the fight. I've been in this funk lately, filled with fear and anxiety and talking to my friene today made me realize that's it's time to stand up and fight. God has already given me the victory already I just have to claim it. When I think about all of the people in the world who are sick and have crippling ailments, financial problems, family problems, etc. I realize I'm pretty blessed.
I'm not looking forward to chemo, but my prayer continues to for healng so I will also pray for a smooth healing and few side effects from the chemo. Pee Wee's mom told me it wasn't easy but she got through and my cousin Learlean did quite well, so I'll make it though. With Christ all things are possible".
It's time to get back to life and living it to whatever capacity and quality I have the ability to live. I will fight this battle and I will not fight the battle of others; my children, my family, etc. I have to look inside work on my inner being and my innter strength. As Ferlando said tonight when he came by to pick up Mom...He said his father told him that his grandmother told his mother that "sight is not in the eyes" I have to stop looking with my eyes, I have to look whit Jesus, with my inner vision and my faith.
Babysister came by today and took me out to lunch. Talking to her too let me know that God has been good to me. We see with our eyes what's going on around us but our vision is clearer when focused on Jesus. Thank you Babysister for sharing for being there, for listening things will not be this way always.
I'm in a better place!
I'm not looking forward to chemo, but my prayer continues to for healng so I will also pray for a smooth healing and few side effects from the chemo. Pee Wee's mom told me it wasn't easy but she got through and my cousin Learlean did quite well, so I'll make it though. With Christ all things are possible".
It's time to get back to life and living it to whatever capacity and quality I have the ability to live. I will fight this battle and I will not fight the battle of others; my children, my family, etc. I have to look inside work on my inner being and my innter strength. As Ferlando said tonight when he came by to pick up Mom...He said his father told him that his grandmother told his mother that "sight is not in the eyes" I have to stop looking with my eyes, I have to look whit Jesus, with my inner vision and my faith.
Babysister came by today and took me out to lunch. Talking to her too let me know that God has been good to me. We see with our eyes what's going on around us but our vision is clearer when focused on Jesus. Thank you Babysister for sharing for being there, for listening things will not be this way always.
I'm in a better place!
Friday, November 21, 2008
I went walking today
Chris picked me up this morning, took me to the health club and we walked around the track for a about a half hour. I think we walked a little over a mile. It felt good. Chris wouldn't let me walk fast, but that's okay, I'll walk a little faster next time. Mom was at the club in an exercise class...I wonder if she planned that. It's funny, the world is really small Mom was in class and Chris' mom was exercising right next to her.
Chris took me back home. She offered to take me to an appointment on Monday morning and I'm going to take her up on it. I have to have what's called a MUGA scan. It looks at the heart to determine if the heart is healthy enough because one of the side affects of one of the chemo drugs is heart problems. I called to schedule the scan and found out that I will need another IV. I guess I just have to get used to it, but I should was dismayed to hear that another IV is required. Oh well.
Later my friend Dorothy picked myself and Nona up for lunch. Nona was T-boned in a car accident a few months ago and is having some health issues as well. Dorothy took us to her house for lunch. She has a lovely home. She set an elegant table for us. We had chicken and crab meat salad on a bed of lettuce with crackers and a slice of cantaloupe and grapes. It made me feel pretty special. After lunch we spent hours talking about everything and nothing. It was a good day and nice to be out.
When I came home, Tyler had lots of news to tell me about possible recruitement opportunities including a coach who would like to stop in to visit her tomorrow. I know she wants to go to a warm climate but with my health and finances what is I hope she will get a scholarship and can be happy where ever she goes and that she does well.
I talked to both of the girls about keeping the house clean and helping out more. It's disappointing to me that they don't step up to the plate more. Hopefullyl, they will grow and at least try to understand what's happening with me and help out more. They are both really spoiled; I guess that's my fault. However, I was spoiled growing up and yet I understood when my mother needed help. We kept the house clean, cleaned my mother's room and ran bath water for her when we knew she was on her way home. I have talked to the girls every night about cleaning the kitchen...it's an on going discussion that I seem to be having with myself. Here it is tonigt at midnight and I'm still telling them to get the kitchen cleaned. I pray that I don't get sick on chemo because I'm truly worried about being here with the two of them becasue they are focused on them. I'll kept praying. I don't have the energy to fight.
Hopefully, I will get my hair done in the morning. I think I'm going to go ahead and get it cut. I need to start shopping for wigs or scarves or something.
I still have thoughts of why this is happening...can somebody tell me...what's up with this. Anyway, today was a good day.
Chris took me back home. She offered to take me to an appointment on Monday morning and I'm going to take her up on it. I have to have what's called a MUGA scan. It looks at the heart to determine if the heart is healthy enough because one of the side affects of one of the chemo drugs is heart problems. I called to schedule the scan and found out that I will need another IV. I guess I just have to get used to it, but I should was dismayed to hear that another IV is required. Oh well.
Later my friend Dorothy picked myself and Nona up for lunch. Nona was T-boned in a car accident a few months ago and is having some health issues as well. Dorothy took us to her house for lunch. She has a lovely home. She set an elegant table for us. We had chicken and crab meat salad on a bed of lettuce with crackers and a slice of cantaloupe and grapes. It made me feel pretty special. After lunch we spent hours talking about everything and nothing. It was a good day and nice to be out.
When I came home, Tyler had lots of news to tell me about possible recruitement opportunities including a coach who would like to stop in to visit her tomorrow. I know she wants to go to a warm climate but with my health and finances what is I hope she will get a scholarship and can be happy where ever she goes and that she does well.
I talked to both of the girls about keeping the house clean and helping out more. It's disappointing to me that they don't step up to the plate more. Hopefullyl, they will grow and at least try to understand what's happening with me and help out more. They are both really spoiled; I guess that's my fault. However, I was spoiled growing up and yet I understood when my mother needed help. We kept the house clean, cleaned my mother's room and ran bath water for her when we knew she was on her way home. I have talked to the girls every night about cleaning the kitchen...it's an on going discussion that I seem to be having with myself. Here it is tonigt at midnight and I'm still telling them to get the kitchen cleaned. I pray that I don't get sick on chemo because I'm truly worried about being here with the two of them becasue they are focused on them. I'll kept praying. I don't have the energy to fight.
Hopefully, I will get my hair done in the morning. I think I'm going to go ahead and get it cut. I need to start shopping for wigs or scarves or something.
I still have thoughts of why this is happening...can somebody tell me...what's up with this. Anyway, today was a good day.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Scan Results
Today was a good day. Scary Cat Tira faced her fears and came by to see me after Darlene threatened to blow up her house! :) It was good to see her. Tira always has such a good sense of humor and keeps me laughing. Mom was here while Tira was visiting and she even had Mom laughing out loud. Tira sat with us until it was time to go to the doctor.
I went to see the Oncologist today to get the results of my scans. I prayed about the results last night so when I went into the Dr's office, I was feeling pretty good and confident that all would be well. When the doctor came in and started to read the results of the scans, my heart started to be a little face. He said the Bone Scan showed no other cancer and the CT scan showed no other cancer. It did show a dot in the liver and the space where the right breast was removed but said that is not uncommon, they don't know what it is but it's seen on most scans. They'll watch it but it's usually nothing. I believed before I went in that all would be well and God made it so.I found my self thanking God, feeling good and smiling a lot.
Now I just have to go through the treatment. I met with a nurse by the name of Kay who explained to me what type of chemo drugs I would receive. I will receive three different drugs, two at the same time, both of which are very strong. We reveiwed the side effects which are many but the most common of course is hair loss. I explained that my hair has already been falling out so they orderd some testing to check that out because it may be from something else. The other side effects are fatigue, weakness and nausea...fun stuff...huh! I will be on treatment for about six to eight months, then radiation...and possibly more surgery at some point. However, if the chemo does what we want it to do, a second surgery may be avoided. We're cross that bridge when we get to it, and I will apply prayer which is the strongest medicine.
I talked to JoAnne tonight, she told me she couldn't sleep last night. She told me that earlier today but tonight she confessed that she couldn't sleep because she was worried about me and the results of the scans. Well God is good. It made shed some tears (I've been doing a lot of that lately) because I didn't want to make her cry...I feel so helpless. Annie called for scan results, she was rather quiet when I gave her the news. I think she thought that I would not have to do chemo. Well girls we are going to have to go wig shopping. Let's make a date it should be fun. I want to laugh about it while I can. Yall know I got a big head, and this head with no hair will be no joke, scary thought. I was always worried about covering up my big forehead with banes now I will have to cover the whole thing...let's hope it's not too daunting of a task. PeeWee told me I could join her in the no hair category,but I told her she has a little head as her husband saids she has a pea size head. I have a pumpkin head so it won't be so easy. Well I gotta love it, my big head that is. The Dr. said the hair would be gone by the second treatment...that's okay I'll still be here and that's what counts!
How am I really feeling....Happy that the scans did not show more cancer. I'm still wondering where this cancer came from. I'm praying for healing in a way that the Dr's. will be in awe of what God can do. I'm worried about my future and if my body will be able to handle the chemo, but I'v gotten this far. I worry that Breyen and Tyler may be affected in someway and talk to them about checking their breast. Tyler's friend Erica had to have a biospy ....she's 18. I pray all is well, it's hard enough to go through this at my age let alone so young. I pray that God will touch her with his healing hands and make all well for her. I think this is crazy...what is this. I pray that this cancer thing killed, cured, for all no matter the type of cancer.
As I go forward I have to focus on staying healthy, good nutrition and finding fiancial stability for my family. I'm working on getting assistance to pay for chemo. It's a lot all at once, but I know God will not give me more than I can bear. I just hope that I've met that capacity and things will turn around and get better.
I'm healing from the surgery, my energy level is still low so I know chemo will be tough for me. I'm still working on getting full range of motion back in my arm. I am looking forward to getting back in my car and driving myself around. Yeah Ms. Daisy wants to get in the drivers seat. My car is dirty, I need to get back in it so I can have it clean and adjust the mirrors to one spot for one driver. I like being a passenger, but I also like to drive sometimes and I'm looking forward to getting back to driving.
Chris will get me in the morning so I can start my walking program. Dorothy and Nona will get me for lunch. People are good, I've been allowed to see the good in so many people....I hope you all know that their are lots of good people in the world. Even the nurse from the first biospy called to check on me an sent me a book(The Pink Book) on breast cancer. So much compassion and they don't even know me. I'm telling you it's overwhelming wonderful!
I went to see the Oncologist today to get the results of my scans. I prayed about the results last night so when I went into the Dr's office, I was feeling pretty good and confident that all would be well. When the doctor came in and started to read the results of the scans, my heart started to be a little face. He said the Bone Scan showed no other cancer and the CT scan showed no other cancer. It did show a dot in the liver and the space where the right breast was removed but said that is not uncommon, they don't know what it is but it's seen on most scans. They'll watch it but it's usually nothing. I believed before I went in that all would be well and God made it so.I found my self thanking God, feeling good and smiling a lot.
Now I just have to go through the treatment. I met with a nurse by the name of Kay who explained to me what type of chemo drugs I would receive. I will receive three different drugs, two at the same time, both of which are very strong. We reveiwed the side effects which are many but the most common of course is hair loss. I explained that my hair has already been falling out so they orderd some testing to check that out because it may be from something else. The other side effects are fatigue, weakness and nausea...fun stuff...huh! I will be on treatment for about six to eight months, then radiation...and possibly more surgery at some point. However, if the chemo does what we want it to do, a second surgery may be avoided. We're cross that bridge when we get to it, and I will apply prayer which is the strongest medicine.
I talked to JoAnne tonight, she told me she couldn't sleep last night. She told me that earlier today but tonight she confessed that she couldn't sleep because she was worried about me and the results of the scans. Well God is good. It made shed some tears (I've been doing a lot of that lately) because I didn't want to make her cry...I feel so helpless. Annie called for scan results, she was rather quiet when I gave her the news. I think she thought that I would not have to do chemo. Well girls we are going to have to go wig shopping. Let's make a date it should be fun. I want to laugh about it while I can. Yall know I got a big head, and this head with no hair will be no joke, scary thought. I was always worried about covering up my big forehead with banes now I will have to cover the whole thing...let's hope it's not too daunting of a task. PeeWee told me I could join her in the no hair category,but I told her she has a little head as her husband saids she has a pea size head. I have a pumpkin head so it won't be so easy. Well I gotta love it, my big head that is. The Dr. said the hair would be gone by the second treatment...that's okay I'll still be here and that's what counts!
How am I really feeling....Happy that the scans did not show more cancer. I'm still wondering where this cancer came from. I'm praying for healing in a way that the Dr's. will be in awe of what God can do. I'm worried about my future and if my body will be able to handle the chemo, but I'v gotten this far. I worry that Breyen and Tyler may be affected in someway and talk to them about checking their breast. Tyler's friend Erica had to have a biospy ....she's 18. I pray all is well, it's hard enough to go through this at my age let alone so young. I pray that God will touch her with his healing hands and make all well for her. I think this is crazy...what is this. I pray that this cancer thing killed, cured, for all no matter the type of cancer.
As I go forward I have to focus on staying healthy, good nutrition and finding fiancial stability for my family. I'm working on getting assistance to pay for chemo. It's a lot all at once, but I know God will not give me more than I can bear. I just hope that I've met that capacity and things will turn around and get better.
I'm healing from the surgery, my energy level is still low so I know chemo will be tough for me. I'm still working on getting full range of motion back in my arm. I am looking forward to getting back in my car and driving myself around. Yeah Ms. Daisy wants to get in the drivers seat. My car is dirty, I need to get back in it so I can have it clean and adjust the mirrors to one spot for one driver. I like being a passenger, but I also like to drive sometimes and I'm looking forward to getting back to driving.
Chris will get me in the morning so I can start my walking program. Dorothy and Nona will get me for lunch. People are good, I've been allowed to see the good in so many people....I hope you all know that their are lots of good people in the world. Even the nurse from the first biospy called to check on me an sent me a book(The Pink Book) on breast cancer. So much compassion and they don't even know me. I'm telling you it's overwhelming wonderful!
No More Cancer
Today was a good day. Scary Cat Tira faced her fears and came by to see me after Darlene threatened to blow up her house! :) It was good to see her. Tira always has such a good sense of humor and
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tired
Monday Clara and I went out take care of business. Clara drove me around everywhere I needed to go. We stood in line for the Link card for an hour and a half. I did get the link card, after standing in line it only took five minutes. From there we went to lunch, we had soup and salad at Olive Garden. When we left, I left my cell phone and scarf...that's just how short my mind is. We got all the way home before I remebered so we had to go back. I hated to go back because I was tired but I was glad to get my phone back. We made a few more stops and went back and stopped by to see Mom and Ferlando. Ferlando is struggling with watching his Dad preparing for his next home. I wish I could reach out and make it all better for him, but I can only listen be supportive. I know it's hard, even when we know a loved one is about to leave us, the shock of when they leave is still there. I'm very proud of him though, he's been very patient and taking care of business. I will keep his Dad in my prayers.
Yesterday, I think I did a little much. I was too tired to blog last night, that's how tired I was. Clara took me out to get my nails and my eye brows done. It help me to feel much better. Now I just have to get a handle on this eating. My butt is growing and I'm feeling sluggish carrying this extra weight around. I called the Dr. and spoke to the Lauren, the nurse and was given permissison to get back to the club to start walking! I'm looking forward to it. I'm not used to getting so tired from just moving about let alone actually exercising.
Clara and I then headed to city to see her aunt and although I just sat there, I was really tired and I kept dozing. So we headed back, but we stopped by Mom's first. Ferlando needed to talk. While we were there, Mom decided to cook dinner. Clara and I took Tyler to the mall while Mom was cooking. I was so exhausted, we had to cut that trip short. Tyler was disappointed because she wanted to shop but there was nothing I could do, I was so very tired. Tyler did the the driving and I had to tell her to get off of her cell phone. I told her three times and she acted like she didn't hear me and when I insisted she was augmentive. I didn't have the strength to argue but stood my ground and she finally did what I asked. The situation made me feel weak and embarassed as Clara was with us and out done that Tyler did not respond to my request. Well all things considered she does 99.9% of what I ask, maybe she was having a moment. I guess we're all entitled.
When we got home, I put my PJ's on and hit the couch. It was all I could do. I don't know why I was so tired unless it was a combination of all of the activity since the weekend. Clara and I tried to watch Kings of Comedy bug I think it watched us. :)
Today I stayed in bed late, that is until Oprah went off. I was still tired when I got up. Clara made breakfast for me and Mom stopped by for a while. BabySister stopped by later for the shopping list for Thanksgiving, now we just need to decide where we will have dinner.
Clara left today. Breyen drove us to the Midway Airport. I was good. I got out of the car and gave Clara a hug and thanked her for all she did for me. I told myself that I was not going to cry and I didn't, atleast not right away. As Breyen and I were driving home, we talked about friends and the wonderful friends that I have in my life. We talked about how good Clara was to me as well as my other friends. It brought tears to my eyes...tears that I held back at the airport. God has truly blessed me with wonderful Friends. I am truly thankful! I spent the rest of the day resting. I will go to bed early tonight, hopefully, my energy level will return tomorrow. I do have to go out to see the oncologist tomorrow. I'm going in positive, praying that there is nothing more.
Shawvn stopped by tonight, she brought me a breast cancer angel and lots of laughs. I'm glad she stopped by. Tira called tonight, she said she will stop by in the morning. Darlene threatened her, told her to get her booty over here to see me. Tira is afraid to see me. I'm still me girl, "just kicking but not high. I continue to get cards from friends, family, church members, friends of friends...Thank you all so very much. I am getting stronger every day, it's a long journey but I plan to come out victorious!
Yesterday, I think I did a little much. I was too tired to blog last night, that's how tired I was. Clara took me out to get my nails and my eye brows done. It help me to feel much better. Now I just have to get a handle on this eating. My butt is growing and I'm feeling sluggish carrying this extra weight around. I called the Dr. and spoke to the Lauren, the nurse and was given permissison to get back to the club to start walking! I'm looking forward to it. I'm not used to getting so tired from just moving about let alone actually exercising.
Clara and I then headed to city to see her aunt and although I just sat there, I was really tired and I kept dozing. So we headed back, but we stopped by Mom's first. Ferlando needed to talk. While we were there, Mom decided to cook dinner. Clara and I took Tyler to the mall while Mom was cooking. I was so exhausted, we had to cut that trip short. Tyler was disappointed because she wanted to shop but there was nothing I could do, I was so very tired. Tyler did the the driving and I had to tell her to get off of her cell phone. I told her three times and she acted like she didn't hear me and when I insisted she was augmentive. I didn't have the strength to argue but stood my ground and she finally did what I asked. The situation made me feel weak and embarassed as Clara was with us and out done that Tyler did not respond to my request. Well all things considered she does 99.9% of what I ask, maybe she was having a moment. I guess we're all entitled.
When we got home, I put my PJ's on and hit the couch. It was all I could do. I don't know why I was so tired unless it was a combination of all of the activity since the weekend. Clara and I tried to watch Kings of Comedy bug I think it watched us. :)
Today I stayed in bed late, that is until Oprah went off. I was still tired when I got up. Clara made breakfast for me and Mom stopped by for a while. BabySister stopped by later for the shopping list for Thanksgiving, now we just need to decide where we will have dinner.
Clara left today. Breyen drove us to the Midway Airport. I was good. I got out of the car and gave Clara a hug and thanked her for all she did for me. I told myself that I was not going to cry and I didn't, atleast not right away. As Breyen and I were driving home, we talked about friends and the wonderful friends that I have in my life. We talked about how good Clara was to me as well as my other friends. It brought tears to my eyes...tears that I held back at the airport. God has truly blessed me with wonderful Friends. I am truly thankful! I spent the rest of the day resting. I will go to bed early tonight, hopefully, my energy level will return tomorrow. I do have to go out to see the oncologist tomorrow. I'm going in positive, praying that there is nothing more.
Shawvn stopped by tonight, she brought me a breast cancer angel and lots of laughs. I'm glad she stopped by. Tira called tonight, she said she will stop by in the morning. Darlene threatened her, told her to get her booty over here to see me. Tira is afraid to see me. I'm still me girl, "just kicking but not high. I continue to get cards from friends, family, church members, friends of friends...Thank you all so very much. I am getting stronger every day, it's a long journey but I plan to come out victorious!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Good Food
Yesterday, Trina came over and cooked dinner. She made homemade chicken and noodle with cornbread and salad. I begged Mom to make candy yams for me and she did. I am getting fat. I have been eating things that I haven't allowed myself to eat for at least three years now. I have got to stop this because I can't afford to buy new clothes for my fat butt, but lordy the food was good. Mom, Shawna, and Ferlando came by and Clara is still here so I had plenty of company. A girl could get spoiled with all of this company. Baby Sister and Jean stopped by too. I love the visits. Ferlando was able to eat, but then ate a little much and was in pain so he had to leave to take paid medication. He's got to learn to go slow.
I'm feeling pretty good, yet I remind myself that this is just the beginning. But I'm going to enjoy the good days while I can.
Monday was a busy day. Clara took me back to FEMA to see if I could get the link card. We stood in line for an hour and a half and in five minutes wha la...I had it. It will be a big help. I almost ate healthy for lunch. I had soup and salad, but I had bread with it so that ruined it. I'll try to be better tomorrow. I'm starting to feel yukky with this extra weight. i can't wait to ge back to the gym. And in addition to the weight, everyone is starting to make comments about my breast. We've been getting a good laugh as everyone saids you got a rack up there now. I told Clara just imagine the reaction I'll get when I'm back in the gym with a sports bar on. They're probably say something like there's something different about her..wonder what it could be people. People are even starting to ask to feel them! LOL! I admit they look good, but they feel heavy, much like walking around with a grapefruit strapped to my chest. I'm prayerful that the healing process will allow me to feel normal again and not like I'm carry around a grapefruit on my chest.
I get to start physical thearpy this week or next, yea! As soon as I get my full range of motion back, I will be able to drive again. I got in my car today and it is just filthy, so I've got to get back, cause I can't stand a dirty car. It really isn't that dirty I would just rather have it cleaner.
Clara took me over to visit Mom today. We watched a crazy movie that Ferlando referred to us. The movie was really weird. Clara told Ferlando we were going to have to check on him if he thought that was a good movie. :)
Things seem to be settling down at home. I'm getting better, healing from the surgery and everyone seems to be relaxing more as I heal. So it seems chapter one of this breast cancer journey will end calmly. We will have to wait to see what tomorrow brings. The cards are pooring in wishing me a speedy recovery and encouraging words, it' overwhelming in a good way and I am truly thankful! Continue to pray for healing. I get results from scans later this week.
Anita, I am praying for you and your family. I pray that all is well with your Mom and that she is blessed with healing.
I'm feeling pretty good, yet I remind myself that this is just the beginning. But I'm going to enjoy the good days while I can.
Monday was a busy day. Clara took me back to FEMA to see if I could get the link card. We stood in line for an hour and a half and in five minutes wha la...I had it. It will be a big help. I almost ate healthy for lunch. I had soup and salad, but I had bread with it so that ruined it. I'll try to be better tomorrow. I'm starting to feel yukky with this extra weight. i can't wait to ge back to the gym. And in addition to the weight, everyone is starting to make comments about my breast. We've been getting a good laugh as everyone saids you got a rack up there now. I told Clara just imagine the reaction I'll get when I'm back in the gym with a sports bar on. They're probably say something like there's something different about her..wonder what it could be people. People are even starting to ask to feel them! LOL! I admit they look good, but they feel heavy, much like walking around with a grapefruit strapped to my chest. I'm prayerful that the healing process will allow me to feel normal again and not like I'm carry around a grapefruit on my chest.
I get to start physical thearpy this week or next, yea! As soon as I get my full range of motion back, I will be able to drive again. I got in my car today and it is just filthy, so I've got to get back, cause I can't stand a dirty car. It really isn't that dirty I would just rather have it cleaner.
Clara took me over to visit Mom today. We watched a crazy movie that Ferlando referred to us. The movie was really weird. Clara told Ferlando we were going to have to check on him if he thought that was a good movie. :)
Things seem to be settling down at home. I'm getting better, healing from the surgery and everyone seems to be relaxing more as I heal. So it seems chapter one of this breast cancer journey will end calmly. We will have to wait to see what tomorrow brings. The cards are pooring in wishing me a speedy recovery and encouraging words, it' overwhelming in a good way and I am truly thankful! Continue to pray for healing. I get results from scans later this week.
Anita, I am praying for you and your family. I pray that all is well with your Mom and that she is blessed with healing.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
A good Day
After a long day in the house and feeling like the walls were closing in; I spent much of the wee hours of the night(friday AM) on and off of the phone with Ferlando. He was registered into the emergency room at Stroeger Hospital. After a few hours of waiting he was seen, had blood drawn and was given a CT scan. He was given morphen for the pain. He checked in with me every few hours to let me know he was okay. He spent 24 hours in the waiting room in a bed in the hallway and was finally admitted. He' s okay but will be in pain for some time. They sent him home today with pain medication and told him to eat as little as possible for the next couple of weeks and the condition should resolve itself. Trina went to pick him up tonight and took him to home. He's been resting most of the day, so I haven't spoken with him since he left the hospital. Hopefully I'll get by to see him tomorrow.
I woke up this morning and made a few calls. I called JoAnne and when she got my message she called me back. She was headed south so she decided to come and pick me up. We went out to breakfast and then over to Macy's. We brought Tyler a jacket, too cute! We came back home and Annie and Darlene came by with chicken and Darlene made homemade popcorn and I made lemonade. JoAnne, Darlene, Annie, Tyler and I all set down to watch "This Christmas". Annie had us laughing so hard because she was so tickled by a seen in the movie where baby oil was put on the floor to make a man getting out of shower slip so she could whip him with a belt. I had so much fun today....It was nice to get out and wonderful to have a movie date with the girls. I hope we can do it more often. I was enjoying it so much that at the end of the meeting I had to remind myself that I have breast cancer. I thought how did this happen and I reminded myself that even though I'm feeling better everyday and getting stronger each day...this is just the beginning. JoAnne noticed the mood change so I snappped out of it because I didn't want to put a damper on her fun. When everyone left my sister called. She told me Ferlando is okay, just resting and that she will come out to spend the day with me tomorrow and cook dinner for me. That will give Mom a break. Mom was here earlier today and I wasn't here. She wasn't happy because the girls were laying around and not getting things done around the house. I talked to the girls about doing what is asked of them, hopefully they will do better. I think they like myself are getting comfortable because I appear to be getting better. Unlike them though I know I am still facing Cancer and the treatment for the cancer. Reality is a "*itch". However I continue to be blessed.
Anyway Clara came in tonight. It's been some years since I've seen her so I'm happy she's here. She said she came to pamper me. Tyler actually went to the airport to pick her up. Her friend Stephanie rode with her. It was a big step for her, but she did it with no problems. Clara will be here until Wed. I gave her the tour of my body, it was a bit shocking to her but she took it well.
It was a good day! I am so thankful for all of my wonderful friends and family. My church family has sent so many cards and well wishes, I thank God for all of you!
I woke up this morning and made a few calls. I called JoAnne and when she got my message she called me back. She was headed south so she decided to come and pick me up. We went out to breakfast and then over to Macy's. We brought Tyler a jacket, too cute! We came back home and Annie and Darlene came by with chicken and Darlene made homemade popcorn and I made lemonade. JoAnne, Darlene, Annie, Tyler and I all set down to watch "This Christmas". Annie had us laughing so hard because she was so tickled by a seen in the movie where baby oil was put on the floor to make a man getting out of shower slip so she could whip him with a belt. I had so much fun today....It was nice to get out and wonderful to have a movie date with the girls. I hope we can do it more often. I was enjoying it so much that at the end of the meeting I had to remind myself that I have breast cancer. I thought how did this happen and I reminded myself that even though I'm feeling better everyday and getting stronger each day...this is just the beginning. JoAnne noticed the mood change so I snappped out of it because I didn't want to put a damper on her fun. When everyone left my sister called. She told me Ferlando is okay, just resting and that she will come out to spend the day with me tomorrow and cook dinner for me. That will give Mom a break. Mom was here earlier today and I wasn't here. She wasn't happy because the girls were laying around and not getting things done around the house. I talked to the girls about doing what is asked of them, hopefully they will do better. I think they like myself are getting comfortable because I appear to be getting better. Unlike them though I know I am still facing Cancer and the treatment for the cancer. Reality is a "*itch". However I continue to be blessed.
Anyway Clara came in tonight. It's been some years since I've seen her so I'm happy she's here. She said she came to pamper me. Tyler actually went to the airport to pick her up. Her friend Stephanie rode with her. It was a big step for her, but she did it with no problems. Clara will be here until Wed. I gave her the tour of my body, it was a bit shocking to her but she took it well.
It was a good day! I am so thankful for all of my wonderful friends and family. My church family has sent so many cards and well wishes, I thank God for all of you!
Thursday, November 13, 2008
No More Tubes
Yea! The last two tubes were removed today. I thought it was going to hurt to have the tubes removed, but it just felt like relief. I also received a saline injection in the the new breast. That made the breast feel tight and a bit painful. The breast will need to be a bit bigger than the the left breast because radiation will cause it to shrink a bit. For now I'm enjoying having the tubes out....Freedom!
I also go my cheesecake today from the cheescake Factory. Mom bought it for me as treat and celebration of the tube removal. I also got an order for physical thearpy to work on getting the range of motion back in my right arm. When that happens, I can drive again.
I came home made a salad, had my cheese cake and fell asleep while talking to JoAnne on the phone. It was a hmmm, hmmm good nap. Vanessa came to visit tonight. It was good to see her and talk to her, I hadn't connected with her for a while! My sister Yvonne and Shanita called to check on me tonight. And now I'm ready to go back to bed.
Ferlando spent the evening getting his Dad checked into Cook County Hospital and then he himself had to register to be seen in the emergency room. He's been in a lot pain lately and trying to function in a normal capacity despite the pain. Tonight the paid got to him. He's afraid of what they may find, but I told him to pray for something simple that can be resolved quickly and that they can give him something to rid him of the pain. He's been trying to do so much lately, help me, take care of his Dad and go to school. Well, here's true meaning to "when it rains it pours." I will pray that all is well with him. Love you Fer!
I also go my cheesecake today from the cheescake Factory. Mom bought it for me as treat and celebration of the tube removal. I also got an order for physical thearpy to work on getting the range of motion back in my right arm. When that happens, I can drive again.
I came home made a salad, had my cheese cake and fell asleep while talking to JoAnne on the phone. It was a hmmm, hmmm good nap. Vanessa came to visit tonight. It was good to see her and talk to her, I hadn't connected with her for a while! My sister Yvonne and Shanita called to check on me tonight. And now I'm ready to go back to bed.
Ferlando spent the evening getting his Dad checked into Cook County Hospital and then he himself had to register to be seen in the emergency room. He's been in a lot pain lately and trying to function in a normal capacity despite the pain. Tonight the paid got to him. He's afraid of what they may find, but I told him to pray for something simple that can be resolved quickly and that they can give him something to rid him of the pain. He's been trying to do so much lately, help me, take care of his Dad and go to school. Well, here's true meaning to "when it rains it pours." I will pray that all is well with him. Love you Fer!
Scans
Yesterday I went in for my scans. I had a bone scan and a scan of the chest, stomach, and kidneys. The scans were not bad. The worst of it was getting an IV. The IV was started for the Scan of the chest, stomach, and kidney. A radioactive dye was injected via the IV for the bone scan. I then had to wait three hours before the scan was actually done. In the mean time the scan of the chest, stomach and kidneys was done. During the scan another dye was injected via the IV that made me feel warm and like I was urinating on myself. But I promise I was not urinating! I laid on my back on a table with a pillow under my heard, it was a little uncomfortable because I still have drainage tubes in my back. It took approx. 20 minutes. Then I was off to the lab for blood work. That went pretty smooth and then back to Nuclear Medicine for the Bone Scan. Again I laid on another table. The Radiology Tech helped me to lay down and placed me in the machine as he explained to me how the scan works. He shared with me that his step Mom had been diagnoised with stage three breast cancer about a year ago. He told me that she like me, was very active, watched her diet, and got all of her scheduled yearly exams. He said it's amazing how so many people who are not healthy, overwieght, highblood pressure, etc come in with clear scans no cancers and others like myself and his step Mom have cancer. One would think from this story that the healthy kick is not worth prolonging life, or at lease life without Cancer. Anyway when it was over, I met a nurse who was an eleven year survivor. She actually had triple negative breast cancer which is the progressive breast cancer that most black women get. She offered me her phone number in the event I ever needed to vent or just needed someone to listen. It is amazing how many noursiing and helpful people I have met along the way.
Mom and I went out to eat after, we had a nice quiet meal as we did some reading the various new drugs approved by the FDA for breast cancer.
Later JoAnne and Joyce came by to visit. JoAnne has been helping me out in every way. Joyce came by too. I was glad she came by. She called to ask if it was okay, because she was concerned that I may not want to see anyone. As I've said many times before, everyone has to handle this in their own way, even me. As I get better, I realize I'm the same me, but I'm growing as a result of this journey, but it's just the beginning so I'm holding on.
I get the results next week. I'm praying that there's nothing more.
Mom and I went out to eat after, we had a nice quiet meal as we did some reading the various new drugs approved by the FDA for breast cancer.
Later JoAnne and Joyce came by to visit. JoAnne has been helping me out in every way. Joyce came by too. I was glad she came by. She called to ask if it was okay, because she was concerned that I may not want to see anyone. As I've said many times before, everyone has to handle this in their own way, even me. As I get better, I realize I'm the same me, but I'm growing as a result of this journey, but it's just the beginning so I'm holding on.
I get the results next week. I'm praying that there's nothing more.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I cried today
I got up this morning and made a lot of phone calls to various organizations that help cancer patients pay co payments for medications, more specifically chemo. Like eveything else I've encountered, I' can't seem to get ahead. I have to wait until I actually start chemo before I can apply. In the mean time, I will apply for SSI and other assistance to get me by until I can get back on my feet and back to work.
Angie left to go back to California today. It was heart breaking to see her go. She gave me a hug and I just cried and cried. It made me understand my father when he used to say to me. "Daughter I'm happy to see you when come visit but it hurts when you leave". And boy it sure did hurt when she left. God is good though and always on time. As Angie went out the door Ann came in an Mom came shortly after that. I was happy Mom is still looking good, rested and more at peace...that gives me peace. Ann is always good for me esp. when I am being emotional. She keeps me logical. She gave me a big hug when Angie left and brought me back around. We talked about her life, we went to pick up the yukky stuff I have to drink for the scans tomorrow, went to lunch and to Menards for a lamp. As we pulled into the Menard's parking lot, a man told us that Ann's rear passenger tire was flat. So we drove over to Tire Discount and she had to get a new tire. Tyler came to pick us up and we went on shopping for a lamp to brighten the family room, that dim light was driving me crazy.
When I got home, I thought about my sister. She's been MIA. I was disappointed as I thought about her not being around, but I told myself that I'm being selfish(I've had plenty of company. ) I have to let everyone deal with this thing the way they need to. Guees what, she called just as I was thinking about her. She didn't have much to say, but said she would be around this weekend.
Tyler was sad most of the day. She was not her usual happy self and that bothered me. I asked her what was bothering her and I got the same reponse each time "nothing". Clearly there was something. She did do a few more college applications, she pouted through the whole process and ended the last application with "I can't do this". I feel so bad that this is happening to me during her senior year. I just want to see both of the girls happy and I know this is taking a toll on them. They have been so good, doing the things I ask and milking my tubes. Breyen has decided not to go away to school in Jan. as we had planned but will wait instead to go away next fall. It hurts to have them put their lives on hold for me. I know Tyler really wants to go away and I want her to go and I hope that they will both push on regardless of me. I know Mom how you feel....because I feel so helpless.
The bone scan, chest scan and stomach scan are tomorrow....keep praying that no other cancer is found.
I cried today....I'm still crying even now. I'm crying for my Mom, my Sister, My Children, My Family, My Friends and for myself. I'll go to sleep tonight with a heavy heart.
Angie left to go back to California today. It was heart breaking to see her go. She gave me a hug and I just cried and cried. It made me understand my father when he used to say to me. "Daughter I'm happy to see you when come visit but it hurts when you leave". And boy it sure did hurt when she left. God is good though and always on time. As Angie went out the door Ann came in an Mom came shortly after that. I was happy Mom is still looking good, rested and more at peace...that gives me peace. Ann is always good for me esp. when I am being emotional. She keeps me logical. She gave me a big hug when Angie left and brought me back around. We talked about her life, we went to pick up the yukky stuff I have to drink for the scans tomorrow, went to lunch and to Menards for a lamp. As we pulled into the Menard's parking lot, a man told us that Ann's rear passenger tire was flat. So we drove over to Tire Discount and she had to get a new tire. Tyler came to pick us up and we went on shopping for a lamp to brighten the family room, that dim light was driving me crazy.
When I got home, I thought about my sister. She's been MIA. I was disappointed as I thought about her not being around, but I told myself that I'm being selfish(I've had plenty of company. ) I have to let everyone deal with this thing the way they need to. Guees what, she called just as I was thinking about her. She didn't have much to say, but said she would be around this weekend.
Tyler was sad most of the day. She was not her usual happy self and that bothered me. I asked her what was bothering her and I got the same reponse each time "nothing". Clearly there was something. She did do a few more college applications, she pouted through the whole process and ended the last application with "I can't do this". I feel so bad that this is happening to me during her senior year. I just want to see both of the girls happy and I know this is taking a toll on them. They have been so good, doing the things I ask and milking my tubes. Breyen has decided not to go away to school in Jan. as we had planned but will wait instead to go away next fall. It hurts to have them put their lives on hold for me. I know Tyler really wants to go away and I want her to go and I hope that they will both push on regardless of me. I know Mom how you feel....because I feel so helpless.
The bone scan, chest scan and stomach scan are tomorrow....keep praying that no other cancer is found.
I cried today....I'm still crying even now. I'm crying for my Mom, my Sister, My Children, My Family, My Friends and for myself. I'll go to sleep tonight with a heavy heart.
Monday, November 10, 2008
I went outside today!
Today I woke up early but I did not get out of bed until after 9AM. I took a shower and Tyler milked my drainage tubes as Angie watched. The next thing I knew Angie was shaking and her eyes were closing. Then she started to fall down, I told Tyler to grab her quick. Then Angie had to lay down for awhile as she was really faint. Angie doesn't think watching the tubes get milked had anything to do with it but I do. Not only that but she saw my body as well. I have a scar on my back from my spine to just before the side of my breast. Not a pretty site. In addition I have a breast that has no nipple and then she's looking at the tubes being milked. It was a lot for her to take in. It kinda of reminded me of the "Bride of Frankenstein". At the same time I hear the words from others who have seen my breast say how good they look and they are amazed. The Plastic surgeon is particulary proud of his work.
Mom stopped by but she didn't stay. However, she did comment on the fact that it was almost 11Am and I had not eaten yet. We teased Angie all day and told her she was in trouble cause she had not fed me. Angie said she knew she was in trouble and that her plan had been for us to have gotten out for food before Mom came. It was really funny! It was also nice to hear that Mom went to health club today. She looked so pretty and rested!
After Angie recovered, we went to the Egg & I for breakfast. I had a waffle combo. Breyen went with us, in fact, she did the driving today. Then we stopped by the eye doctor, the nurse there was very interested in my recovery and was amazed to see that I was back up on my feet. Then we went to the health food store; I wanted to do some research on natural healing supplements for cancer. I found a few things, but I was only able to purchase one, they are pretty expensive. From there, we went on to Angelic's bakery. I have been craving a double chocolate cup cake, it was hmm, hmm good. My appetite has kicked back in and I will need to be careful or I'll be fat before long. It felt really good to bet out of the house today.
When we came home I had some visitors, BabySisterm, Nona, Mary, Cory and JoAnne. I'm getting really spoiled. I love my visits.
I plan to start reading, I think my mind is getting clearer so I'm going to take on some reading material around cancer nutrition and prevention. I also plan to spend some time on the phone with various foundations for assistance in paying co pays, co-insurance and out of pocket expenses. Prayerfully there will be some assistance out there for me.
I scheduled the bone scans the ct scan of the chest and stomach for Wednesday of this week. Please pray that there is no other cancer anywhere else in body. Praying for the blessings of Abraham.
Mom stopped by but she didn't stay. However, she did comment on the fact that it was almost 11Am and I had not eaten yet. We teased Angie all day and told her she was in trouble cause she had not fed me. Angie said she knew she was in trouble and that her plan had been for us to have gotten out for food before Mom came. It was really funny! It was also nice to hear that Mom went to health club today. She looked so pretty and rested!
After Angie recovered, we went to the Egg & I for breakfast. I had a waffle combo. Breyen went with us, in fact, she did the driving today. Then we stopped by the eye doctor, the nurse there was very interested in my recovery and was amazed to see that I was back up on my feet. Then we went to the health food store; I wanted to do some research on natural healing supplements for cancer. I found a few things, but I was only able to purchase one, they are pretty expensive. From there, we went on to Angelic's bakery. I have been craving a double chocolate cup cake, it was hmm, hmm good. My appetite has kicked back in and I will need to be careful or I'll be fat before long. It felt really good to bet out of the house today.
When we came home I had some visitors, BabySisterm, Nona, Mary, Cory and JoAnne. I'm getting really spoiled. I love my visits.
I plan to start reading, I think my mind is getting clearer so I'm going to take on some reading material around cancer nutrition and prevention. I also plan to spend some time on the phone with various foundations for assistance in paying co pays, co-insurance and out of pocket expenses. Prayerfully there will be some assistance out there for me.
I scheduled the bone scans the ct scan of the chest and stomach for Wednesday of this week. Please pray that there is no other cancer anywhere else in body. Praying for the blessings of Abraham.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Going Forward
I've been home a little over a week. I've been trying to be a good patient and do what the Doc's have instructed. Mom stayed with me at the house for a few days. She probably would have stayed longer but she's angry with me a lot for not allowing her to help in the way that she wants to help. She and I are having a hard time reconciling what this illness means in terms of needed care. Mom is a natural caregiver and I believe in another she would make a very good nurse. However, she is a nurse for Rev at church...it fits her well. So why does it not fit with me? I've thought and thought and I really can't come up with a real answer. I try very hard to be patient and nice, but it seems I hurt my mother more often than not and it's really wearing on me. I feel so guilty. It takes a lot of strength to try to please my mom and myself and I just don't have the energy. She got so mad at me on election night and really I felt it was trivia but it hurt her feelings as I said to her "I'm sorry this is happening to you". At that point she went home and for a moment I really felt abandoned. However since that time, I realize it was probably for the best. I'm comfortable when she goes home because I hope she is resting and sleeping in her own bed. I know that there's nothing like sleeping in your own bed and I'm less afraid that she is going to overwork herself. I remind myself that she's no spring chicken. It scared Breyen when Mom went home, she wanted to know when Grandma was coming back and asked in a small child like voice.."she is coming back isn't she?" I realized then that she was afraid to be alone with me. However, the next day she stepped right up and milked my drainage tubes. In fact both she and Tyler have stepped up and drained the tubes when needed. I love to hear Mom come in door, but it still bothers me that she works so hard when she's here, she never sits down. But I'm getting use to it. I ask myself what's really bothering me with Mom and I suppose I see her getting older. I mean really joining seniors in her behavior, attitude and energy. And her instead of me helping her; she's been bending over backwards trying to help me. I suppose in some ways we will continue to struggle as we are both fiercly independent but we have to find a real comfort level, I really need that because I don't have the energy for anything more.
I went to the monthly cancer support group this past week and Mom was a little upset that I didn't invite her. However the group is for women who actually have cancer, no family members. I think it would help Mom and the girls to attend the support group meetings for caregivers and family members. I gave Mom the care with the lady's name and number who runs the program. I do hope that she will call.
I have had so many visitors since I have been home. I hope as I continue to the journey to healing that they will continue to come to support me, listen to me and just sit with me. My Sister from Detroint drove in to see me and one of my very best friends is in from California watching over me. Her Mom drove her here tonight, she lost her husband to cancer and it was hard for her to come in to see me, so I truly appreciate her coming. I have another friend that made it to the drive way, she texted and said she would try to come another time, she couldn't bring herself to come in. Dani and Mike stopped by and Mike prayed with me (it was if he took the words out my own mind). I have another friend Anita who calls but she can't talk to me for long because she cries. Cuzin Frieda sat with me for hours yesterday, Cuzin Annie sleep with me on the couch today :) Friends and neighbors have brought food. And Chris is the one who sent me the lovely Worry Box with three crystal angels. I know that everyone has to deal with this thing the way they need to. Part of me wants to let everyone know that I am still me, but another part of me knows that there is a profound difference and I can never be the same. Physically, we know I will never be the same. As I heal and look at my body...well let's just say it isn't pretty and until I can speak a little more positive about it I will refrain from discussing it for now. I'll get back to it though because the purpose of the blog is to help me get it all out.
I have been getting better each day, that is to say I'm getting my strength back and I'm getting my range of motion back in my arm. The pain is getting better, though it still catches me off guard at times. I'm back to taking showers and that feels pretty darn good. Everyone said I look good and sound good and all things considered I guess so. However, mentally I'm struggling. I battle with satan all day long, telling him that Jesus has already saved me and healed me. I'm tired of him snipping at me. And I'm little more teary eyed at times and even when my eyes are not shedding tears, the back of my throat is straining to keep the tears out of my voice. One saving grace is that the girls seem to be doing well, they are spending more time together, and it is wonderful to hear laughter coming from their rooms. Tyler was able to delay an official recruting visit so that I can attend with her so as much as possible their lives are settled for now. I don't have much more right now. I'm trying to get back on top of blogging so from this summary of the past week, I will consider myself back on schedule. I hope I can keep up.
Continue to pray and believe!
I went to the monthly cancer support group this past week and Mom was a little upset that I didn't invite her. However the group is for women who actually have cancer, no family members. I think it would help Mom and the girls to attend the support group meetings for caregivers and family members. I gave Mom the care with the lady's name and number who runs the program. I do hope that she will call.
I have had so many visitors since I have been home. I hope as I continue to the journey to healing that they will continue to come to support me, listen to me and just sit with me. My Sister from Detroint drove in to see me and one of my very best friends is in from California watching over me. Her Mom drove her here tonight, she lost her husband to cancer and it was hard for her to come in to see me, so I truly appreciate her coming. I have another friend that made it to the drive way, she texted and said she would try to come another time, she couldn't bring herself to come in. Dani and Mike stopped by and Mike prayed with me (it was if he took the words out my own mind). I have another friend Anita who calls but she can't talk to me for long because she cries. Cuzin Frieda sat with me for hours yesterday, Cuzin Annie sleep with me on the couch today :) Friends and neighbors have brought food. And Chris is the one who sent me the lovely Worry Box with three crystal angels. I know that everyone has to deal with this thing the way they need to. Part of me wants to let everyone know that I am still me, but another part of me knows that there is a profound difference and I can never be the same. Physically, we know I will never be the same. As I heal and look at my body...well let's just say it isn't pretty and until I can speak a little more positive about it I will refrain from discussing it for now. I'll get back to it though because the purpose of the blog is to help me get it all out.
I have been getting better each day, that is to say I'm getting my strength back and I'm getting my range of motion back in my arm. The pain is getting better, though it still catches me off guard at times. I'm back to taking showers and that feels pretty darn good. Everyone said I look good and sound good and all things considered I guess so. However, mentally I'm struggling. I battle with satan all day long, telling him that Jesus has already saved me and healed me. I'm tired of him snipping at me. And I'm little more teary eyed at times and even when my eyes are not shedding tears, the back of my throat is straining to keep the tears out of my voice. One saving grace is that the girls seem to be doing well, they are spending more time together, and it is wonderful to hear laughter coming from their rooms. Tyler was able to delay an official recruting visit so that I can attend with her so as much as possible their lives are settled for now. I don't have much more right now. I'm trying to get back on top of blogging so from this summary of the past week, I will consider myself back on schedule. I hope I can keep up.
Continue to pray and believe!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Going Home
Well the day finally came to go home. I was able to eat, I had less pain, and I was sitting up on my own. Breyen and Baby Sister made the trip back from Homewood to Hightland Park to bring Mom and me home. The Hospital feed me breakfast, I got dressed very slowly and gingerly with MOm's help. The nurse showed Mom how to milk my tubes. Mom did one on her own, I could tell she was really uncomfortable working with the tubes but she did it anyway. I had four drainage tubes, two in my breast and two in my back. As I was preparing to go home, Dr. Krause stopped by to tell me their was a bit of a surprise in the pathology report. The results showed that there is cancer in the lymph nodes. He told me that I would have to have Chemo and possibly more surgery to remove more lymph nodes. He looked like he wanted to cry. He scared me so I asked if this cancer at this point is still something we can beat. He told me yes, but that he was sad because he really liked me and he told me that this meant more work for me. I told him, we would continue to work together to fight this thing. Mom had this totally disappointed look on her face. It put a sadness in my heart, but I'm still determined to fight.
I had been taking a narcatic oral pain mediciation and since no Doc's were coming in, we didn't know who we could get to write the prescription. Dr. Krause did that for me before he left the hospital.
As I was wheeled out I said good-bye to some of the nurses who took such good care of me. Then I was out in the fresh air. I sat in the back seat and had BabySister pipe up the heat. The ride home wasn't bad at all. I talked to Angie on the way home and then just sat back and took in the view.
It was nice to get home. The house was nice and clean. Breyen went to get me some shrimp. I think I ate one or two. My sister Katrina was here waiting. Everyone waited on me hand and foot. Later Trina left to go bowling. I know that all of this has been very hard on her. She's my softy. I didn't think she was coming back once she left. I was right because she called to say she had been drinking and did not want to make the drive back. I told her it was okay, but MOm told her if she herself was here that Trina should be too. So Trina said she would come back out of guilt. She did come back, she was still teary eyed. She laid down in the bed with me for a while and we had a chance to to chat. She was nervous about laying in bed with me, she didn't want to hurt me and everyone around me including myself seemed to be coming down with a cold. Trina milked my tubes and I got into bed.
I think everyone was struggling with what to do next. So Breyen, Ferlando and Shawna went out. Trina went downstairs to watch TV. And I went to sleep in my own bed unable to move beyond the spot where I laid down. And Idon't know if Mom ever laid down.
I had been taking a narcatic oral pain mediciation and since no Doc's were coming in, we didn't know who we could get to write the prescription. Dr. Krause did that for me before he left the hospital.
As I was wheeled out I said good-bye to some of the nurses who took such good care of me. Then I was out in the fresh air. I sat in the back seat and had BabySister pipe up the heat. The ride home wasn't bad at all. I talked to Angie on the way home and then just sat back and took in the view.
It was nice to get home. The house was nice and clean. Breyen went to get me some shrimp. I think I ate one or two. My sister Katrina was here waiting. Everyone waited on me hand and foot. Later Trina left to go bowling. I know that all of this has been very hard on her. She's my softy. I didn't think she was coming back once she left. I was right because she called to say she had been drinking and did not want to make the drive back. I told her it was okay, but MOm told her if she herself was here that Trina should be too. So Trina said she would come back out of guilt. She did come back, she was still teary eyed. She laid down in the bed with me for a while and we had a chance to to chat. She was nervous about laying in bed with me, she didn't want to hurt me and everyone around me including myself seemed to be coming down with a cold. Trina milked my tubes and I got into bed.
I think everyone was struggling with what to do next. So Breyen, Ferlando and Shawna went out. Trina went downstairs to watch TV. And I went to sleep in my own bed unable to move beyond the spot where I laid down. And Idon't know if Mom ever laid down.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Day two after Surgery
Today is a better day. I'm still totally nauseated but not in pain. Usha the nurse, tried everything to get me to eat. I tried a few crackers. I ordered chicken broth but the smell of it made me sick. I was able to get a popsickle down. Everyone was trying to get me to eat, I tried, I really did but I was so sick, I just couldn't. The decision was made to take me off of the pain pump as they figured that the pain medication was really making me sick. So they stopped the pump and started me on oral pain medication. And the decision was made to remove the cath and allow me to sit up for a while. I managed to sit up for about two hours. Mom was still with me, Louis brought Tyler back to the hospital, Babysister, Katrina and Breyen all sat the evening with me. I ate a bit of lunch. By dinner I was able to eat pretty good and the food was pretty darn tasty!
Erica came to visit, she brought me a pretty pink shirt that I had my eye on from the health club along with a beautiful card and some literature on scripture. I really appreciated her making the trip. It's long hard drive through traffic. When Erica left, everyone else started to leave as well. I really wasn't ready for everyone to go, but it was getting late. I was afraid that I was going to have another bad night. So, when everyone left, Mom and I settled down for the night. I asked for a sleeping pill.
I took my sleeping pill and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. I was really pretty tired. The is to go home tomorrow...so we'll see. As it turned out I slept well. The nurse came in to give me pain medication in the night and after that off to sleep I went. A pretty good day all things considered.
Erica came to visit, she brought me a pretty pink shirt that I had my eye on from the health club along with a beautiful card and some literature on scripture. I really appreciated her making the trip. It's long hard drive through traffic. When Erica left, everyone else started to leave as well. I really wasn't ready for everyone to go, but it was getting late. I was afraid that I was going to have another bad night. So, when everyone left, Mom and I settled down for the night. I asked for a sleeping pill.
I took my sleeping pill and it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. I was really pretty tired. The is to go home tomorrow...so we'll see. As it turned out I slept well. The nurse came in to give me pain medication in the night and after that off to sleep I went. A pretty good day all things considered.
Day after Surgery
Mom stayed the night with me. I was hot most of the night, but Mom was freezing. The Nurse (Sharon) brought Mom a microwave blanket and tucked her in. I think she was able to get some sleep at that point.
When I woke up on Thursday Morning. I was feeling pretty groggy. I was able to order breakfast from a pretty large menu. They had everything from Omelets to fres fruit. I decided on both. The Omelet looked really good, I managed to eat one folkfull! Ferlando came by the hospital to bring me my glasses and the chocolate that Chris gave me before surgery. It was good to get my glasses, because I could really see everyone again. He broke off a few pieces of chocolate for me and it was hm, hm good!
Chris came to see me. Mom went to get something to eat while Chris was visiting. I was happy to see Chris and appreciated her coming such a long way to see me. She was upbeat and funny, she made me laugh a lot. Unfortunately while she was visiting, I became extremely naseauated I puked while she held the barf bowl. She was very gracious, I apologized but I couldn't help it. She was very strong, thank goodness she's not a sympany puker. She stayed and talked to me until Mom got back to the room. Mom told Chris that I had eaten the chocolate that Chris had given me, and they decided that the chocolate has made meme sick. I don't believe it for a minute. That chocolate was the best thing I had since surgery! Later that evening JoAnne came to visit me and she ate the remaining chocolate so that I wouldn't eat it. It was punishment to see her eat my hmm hmm good chocolate! LOL
When night fell I felt a little strange and wide awake. The nurse checked on me around 11PM and then Mom and I turned the lights out and said goodnigt. I had my eyes closed, but I was not really sleeping. I was hoping for sleep but it didn't come. Mom was knocked out, she was snoring. I was glad that she was finally getting some rest.
Around 1:30 AM. Pain hit me. I was on a pain pump and had been pumping the medication every half hour or so, but the pain got out in front of the medication. I was in so much pain, the term "800 pound guerilla" had true meaning. Because, it felt like an 800 pound guerilla was standing on my chest. I hit the button for the nurse to come in and when she arrived and asked what I needed, I was in so much pain that I could not respond. She immediately left the room to go get help. The nurses name was Sandra. When she returned with another nurse, they told me to hit the pain pump. I had already done that to the point that the pump would not allow me another hit. Mom woke up as the nurses were scurrying around trying to help me. She start to say something to me, like why don't I call the Dr. or something. By that time I was crying elephant tears. I managed to grind out between my clinched teeth, "Mom just let me get thru this. From that point on she just looked on with fear in her eyes. It took the nurses about an hour to get the pain under control. In the end, they had to increase the medicaition from the pain pump to allow me a hit every six minutes. When the pain finally subsided, I was able to sleep. Thank God cause I just didn't know how long I could hang on.
When I woke up on Thursday Morning. I was feeling pretty groggy. I was able to order breakfast from a pretty large menu. They had everything from Omelets to fres fruit. I decided on both. The Omelet looked really good, I managed to eat one folkfull! Ferlando came by the hospital to bring me my glasses and the chocolate that Chris gave me before surgery. It was good to get my glasses, because I could really see everyone again. He broke off a few pieces of chocolate for me and it was hm, hm good!
Chris came to see me. Mom went to get something to eat while Chris was visiting. I was happy to see Chris and appreciated her coming such a long way to see me. She was upbeat and funny, she made me laugh a lot. Unfortunately while she was visiting, I became extremely naseauated I puked while she held the barf bowl. She was very gracious, I apologized but I couldn't help it. She was very strong, thank goodness she's not a sympany puker. She stayed and talked to me until Mom got back to the room. Mom told Chris that I had eaten the chocolate that Chris had given me, and they decided that the chocolate has made meme sick. I don't believe it for a minute. That chocolate was the best thing I had since surgery! Later that evening JoAnne came to visit me and she ate the remaining chocolate so that I wouldn't eat it. It was punishment to see her eat my hmm hmm good chocolate! LOL
When night fell I felt a little strange and wide awake. The nurse checked on me around 11PM and then Mom and I turned the lights out and said goodnigt. I had my eyes closed, but I was not really sleeping. I was hoping for sleep but it didn't come. Mom was knocked out, she was snoring. I was glad that she was finally getting some rest.
Around 1:30 AM. Pain hit me. I was on a pain pump and had been pumping the medication every half hour or so, but the pain got out in front of the medication. I was in so much pain, the term "800 pound guerilla" had true meaning. Because, it felt like an 800 pound guerilla was standing on my chest. I hit the button for the nurse to come in and when she arrived and asked what I needed, I was in so much pain that I could not respond. She immediately left the room to go get help. The nurses name was Sandra. When she returned with another nurse, they told me to hit the pain pump. I had already done that to the point that the pump would not allow me another hit. Mom woke up as the nurses were scurrying around trying to help me. She start to say something to me, like why don't I call the Dr. or something. By that time I was crying elephant tears. I managed to grind out between my clinched teeth, "Mom just let me get thru this. From that point on she just looked on with fear in her eyes. It took the nurses about an hour to get the pain under control. In the end, they had to increase the medicaition from the pain pump to allow me a hit every six minutes. When the pain finally subsided, I was able to sleep. Thank God cause I just didn't know how long I could hang on.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
The Surgery
On Oct. 29, 2008 I woke up at approximately 4:30 Am. Shanita had come into town to go to the hospital with me. Tyler braided my hair the night before. Shanita and I shared a prayer and off to sleep I went. Anita called around 4:30 AM. She could not sleep. We talked a while and we prayed. When I got off the phone Shanita and I prayed. Then we got up and got the big day started. We had planned to leave at 6AM, Shanita and I were running a little late. I woke Breyen and Tyler, gave them a kiss, told them I loved them and would see them later in the day. They were planning to go to schoolWe picked BabySister up around 6:15AM. Shanita followed me in her van. We drove over to Mom's to pick her up. Mom rode with Shanita. We went to the plastic surgeon's office first. He had to mark my body before surgery. When we got there the office was lock although we could see the Dr.'s car there. We rang the door bell and waited, we called and waited. Finally a nurse came out to let us in. We did not arrive before 8 AM so the Dr. started a surgery in the office. I waited about ten minutes in the exam room and the doctor came in, did the marking, asked me if I had any questions. I told him I did not. He explained that the breast surgeon would do the mastsectomy first which would take about one to two hours and then he would take over.
Mom, Babysister, Shanita and I got back in the cars and headed for the hospital. When we got there, we were directed to Same Day Surgery. The nurses had me get undressed right away. They allowed babysister and Shanita and Mom to stay with me. Later Trina and Shawna arrived and then Ms. JoAnne arrived. Then I was taken to Nuclear Medicine. There I had a type of MRI/Scan that identified lymph nodes directly in connection with the right breast. To perform this procecedure, the tech stuck three needles in the right breast, as she got them to stick where she wanted, she left them in place. It was a lot like acupuncture. Later she came back to the needles and injected a blue dye. They were able to identify three lymp nodes related to right breast, this test did not tell us rather there was cancer in the nodes or not it just identifed them. I was then taken back to Same day surgery and shortly there after they sent some one by the name of Eddie to wheel me into surgery. I was really not ready to go. I was enjoying having all of my surpport all around me. But, Shanita pulled the blanket away and told me to get moving....let's get this over with. Everyone gathered around the gurney for prayer and then off I went. I saw my sister crying...yes she was still crying! Everyone else was holding on to their tears. I was still waiting to cry but I didn't. I said a prayer and went into surgery confident that I was going to come out of surgery just fine. Once they wheeled me away from everyone, I met an anestisist/nurse who had been through the surgery except she did get a tummy tuck. She started the most painless IV I've ever experienced. Her name was Kitty. Dr. Krause came in just as the IV was started. I jumped and asked the nurse what she just did. It felt like she poured hot sauce you know where. She laughed and said so few women have that experience she forgot to tell me about the possibility, we shared this with Dr. Kruase who said he never heard of that and that was the last I remember until after surgery.
After surgery, I woke up in excruiating pain. I can't tell you just how much pain just know it was almost unbearable. I told the nurse to hurry and give me something because it felt like I was having chest labor and that a baby would pop out in any minute. As she hurried to give me something, she laughed at what I said and told me I was really funny! I remember feeling pretty good after that and cracking more jokes. When I came out of recovery, I was still cracking jokes with family and friends. Ferlando has a bit of it on tape. Shanita had to leave to head back to Iowa, but everyone else was still there. Ferlando, Mom, Trina, Babysister,Shawna, Breyen, Tyler, Annie, Darlene, JoAnne, ..... I heard that Rev. Love was there and had left about ten minutes before I came out of recovery. Everyone told me he was so tired he just looked whooped! Thanks Rev for being there. Thanks to everyone else who was there physically and for all of your prayers.
I will have to catch up in the next couple of days, I don't have the energy I had before surgery, so It will have to take a little time to catch the blog up.
Mom, Babysister, Shanita and I got back in the cars and headed for the hospital. When we got there, we were directed to Same Day Surgery. The nurses had me get undressed right away. They allowed babysister and Shanita and Mom to stay with me. Later Trina and Shawna arrived and then Ms. JoAnne arrived. Then I was taken to Nuclear Medicine. There I had a type of MRI/Scan that identified lymph nodes directly in connection with the right breast. To perform this procecedure, the tech stuck three needles in the right breast, as she got them to stick where she wanted, she left them in place. It was a lot like acupuncture. Later she came back to the needles and injected a blue dye. They were able to identify three lymp nodes related to right breast, this test did not tell us rather there was cancer in the nodes or not it just identifed them. I was then taken back to Same day surgery and shortly there after they sent some one by the name of Eddie to wheel me into surgery. I was really not ready to go. I was enjoying having all of my surpport all around me. But, Shanita pulled the blanket away and told me to get moving....let's get this over with. Everyone gathered around the gurney for prayer and then off I went. I saw my sister crying...yes she was still crying! Everyone else was holding on to their tears. I was still waiting to cry but I didn't. I said a prayer and went into surgery confident that I was going to come out of surgery just fine. Once they wheeled me away from everyone, I met an anestisist/nurse who had been through the surgery except she did get a tummy tuck. She started the most painless IV I've ever experienced. Her name was Kitty. Dr. Krause came in just as the IV was started. I jumped and asked the nurse what she just did. It felt like she poured hot sauce you know where. She laughed and said so few women have that experience she forgot to tell me about the possibility, we shared this with Dr. Kruase who said he never heard of that and that was the last I remember until after surgery.
After surgery, I woke up in excruiating pain. I can't tell you just how much pain just know it was almost unbearable. I told the nurse to hurry and give me something because it felt like I was having chest labor and that a baby would pop out in any minute. As she hurried to give me something, she laughed at what I said and told me I was really funny! I remember feeling pretty good after that and cracking more jokes. When I came out of recovery, I was still cracking jokes with family and friends. Ferlando has a bit of it on tape. Shanita had to leave to head back to Iowa, but everyone else was still there. Ferlando, Mom, Trina, Babysister,Shawna, Breyen, Tyler, Annie, Darlene, JoAnne, ..... I heard that Rev. Love was there and had left about ten minutes before I came out of recovery. Everyone told me he was so tired he just looked whooped! Thanks Rev for being there. Thanks to everyone else who was there physically and for all of your prayers.
I will have to catch up in the next couple of days, I don't have the energy I had before surgery, so It will have to take a little time to catch the blog up.
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