Happy New Year

Happy New! Another year, I'm looking forward to a better year, mentally, physically, and financially.

I went to chruch tonight with BabySister and Nona. Mega churches are nothing like church that I am used to. But it was different. We went to Chile's afterward. I came home to an empty house. Both of the girls are out at house parties. Breyen called to say "Happy New Year" She told me that she loved me and that I was the strongest person she knew and that she admired and loved me. It brought tears to my eyes because I don't think I'm strong at all. I had to stop the tears because I Already had to talk myself out a pity party earlier. I have to think about my many blessings and healing. Tyler called too to say HNY and "I love you".

I called Mom to wish her a Happy New. We talked for awhile and got off the phone. Clara and I talked for a while as I had a glass of sparkling soda.

I thank God for allowing me to see another year. I remind myself that my cancer was at stage 3 and their are only 4 stages so God told me in time to save my life. I am truly blessed.

For the weekend I don't want to think about this stuff. Next chemo treatment has been moved to Monday.

Happy New Year!

Feeling Better for a Minute

Three days after Christmas and I am finally feeling better. Mentally I'm a mess. Dreading the next treatment but reminding myself that it's for the cure. I need to stop being a wuss. Anyway, I cut back on my iron which I think was contributing to some of the problems I had with the last treatment and that has help my stomach tremendously but I have been focusing on iron fortified foods instead.

I went to Darlene's last night. Annie and Walter picked me up. They had their Grand baby with them. It was fun to see Annie with the baby, she was really enjoying him. It was funny too to see her trying to keep up with a seven month old. Hopefully she will have the opportunity to keep him more often. It will be fun. I was able to eat, I did feel a little light headed but it was good to be out. I got some good ole homemade rolls too! I wore a wig yesterday, it actually looked pretty cute, but one of the kids friends did not recognize me....hummm.

Today I stayed in all day. I haven't been doing anything contructive around the house and I need to changed that and I didn't exercise or walk today. Well, I'll fix that tomorrow because I have physical thearpy. Trina, Ferlando and Shawna came over today with dinner. We had lagsauga, 7 layer salad, brocoli casserole, and garlic bread. Tyler had company and they ate dinner with us. I was even able to bake a german chocolate cake with the help of Tyler and her friend Nia. Thanks Girls.

It's late so I suppose I should get to bed.

Happy Birthday Chris!

Holla

Merry Christmas

Thank God. I felt pretty good for most of the day. I was able to eat, I didn't eat much but what I did eat settled on my stomach pretty well. Once again, I hurt my mother's feelings once again, it seems even with struggling with chemo brain I manage to do that. She brought me a plate of food with good intentions, with a little of everything on the plate. She told me to eat what I could. It was too much, the appearance of the food made my stomach queasy so I had her take it back and told my sister just to put a teaspoon of greenbeans on a plate with a single rib. I forgot how sensitive my mother could be and later she let me know by telling my that she can never do anything right. I know that she was trying to make sure I ate and that I would not have to go into the kitchen with the smells of the food and I appreciate it, I just reacted before I knew it because I did not want to be sick. Times like this are really hard for me and make me feel like I should not ask for help because I'm fearful of hurting people's feelings. Also, I know that Mom was disappointed with what she got for Christmas. Shawna gave Mom some type of candle set and Mom didn't like it and let Shawna know. Poor Shawna cried. Tyler gave Mom a cap that she didn't like but thought she would because Mom is always taking her hats off her head. I usually supervise gifts from the girls given to Mom, but this year....well you know. Chemo brain stops me from spending much energy on anything more than just what I absolultely have to think about. Mom and the girls don't understand this phenomenon, I guess you just have to live it. I absolutely loved everything I got for Christmas and had I gotten nothing I would have been just as happy and content. My gift was feeling good today and thanking God for it. Family was pretty good. We talked and ate. We didn't play any games this year and we had no music. I would have loved for things to be a bit more upbeat, it takes my mind off of you know what. All in all it was a good day. I hurt for my mother, I want to have some peace and happiness. I will keep praying. I told her I want her to relax and try to stop stressing because I have to go through this and although it has not been easy she can't change anything and I don't want anything to happen to her.

I talked to so many people today and everyone seemed to be having a good day. My hair was falling out a lot today and I started just pulling it out. So Mom took some scissors and starting cutting it. The hair was so dead and brittle that it sound like crunching on croutons as she cut it. Later this evening, Ferlando got his clippers and shaved my head. It actually felt good to get all of that dead hair off of my scalp. I look like a cone head without the cone. LOL! Everybody saids I look pretty cute bald, but I think they are just being kind. Either way it's done and I'm actually okay with it. I told my Sister, "now you have more hair than I do. " So I'll work on the wigs later I guess or maybe I'll just do the bald thing. I might have to let it warm up first....hair does keep your head warm.

Christopher Jameson stopped by to see me today. He was visitng on leave from the Airforce in Montanta. It was good to see him. He was Breyen's prom date and first love and still keeps in touch....Breyen's loss...LOL! Breyen and I always joke about that, he's a nice young man and I'm glad he stopped by on this speacial day!

I hope all had a very Merry Christmas. I thank God for Jesus...celebrating the day Christ was born. Blessings to all. Love You.

Night Night

It's Christmas Eve

Well It's Christmas eve. I'm kinda feeling thrown away, like I should just be in the dog house waiting for some water and hay. My family is at odds and of a sudden I can't get folks to do simple things. I pray that we get better. My girls are slow to respond to my requests, quick to respond to their friends. My mother is doing everything she can even though I know she doesn't feel well and that positive attitude still has not surfaced. However I can't talk, as positive as I've tried to be I'm slipping. This Chemo is kicking my ass! Seven days since the last treatment and I still haven't recovered. I'm light headed dizzy, just don't feel well and dreading the next treatment. My nephew surprised me I saw a side I didn't understand but I guess it's not for me to understand. I just have to continue push forward and fight for my health. In all the blogging, I can't tell you what this is like. I complained to my physical thearpist today and I feel bad about that cause it changes nothing, I have to remember....It is what it is. I'm trying to hang in there with where everyone else is in their life, after all "It's about me for me".

I did remember to call Ms. Washington and Linda to say Happy Birthday. Shanita sent me a beautiful watch, Vanessa brought me lunch and spent some time with me before leaving tomorrow for Vegas. Lot of calls today. It's just after 6 PM and I am exhausted. I'm in bed afraid to lie down without drinking. But baby steps, I'll get there.

Family is coming over tomorrow. I hope I'm better and that I don't get any colds or anything. I hope everyone will be of good cheer and will leave their favorite scents home so that I don't get neaseated and sick. It's a strange christmas for me....I just want my health, to feel good to be good and have a clear head. Speaking of head, the hair I have left on my head is dead and is falling out. I hope that Mitzi can come by and shave it all off. It's not fun having dead hair on your head and leaving a trail of shedding everywhere you go. I thought would be upset about loosing my hair but so far I'm not.

I will try to moisturize and put on a little make up tomorrow....may I really will look better and feel better.

Hydration

Well I'm back home after hydration. I'm feeling better. I can sit up up without feeling weak and that's a good feeling. Mom and Ferlando picked me up took me to the store, and then home. I got some popsicles and gator ade so that I can try to stay hydrated. This chemo just sucked my fluids like a vampire in a "Blade" movie. I can go back for more fluids tomorrow, but I'm going to try to get plenty in tonight and be well for the next week before the next treatment.

Mom was so frustrated today to come home to see dishes in the sink after she cleaned up yesterday and washed clothes and no clothes are folded. It's so hard because if I had the energy I would do things myself. The girls just argue and look at what the other one has not done. It makes to sad to think that I haven't done a better job at instilling a better value system in them, but I guess I will just have to keep them in prayer as well. Prayer is my only answer and it's all in God's time not mine or Mom's. I can't stand the bickering so I just sit quietly and pray that everyone will see that it accomplises nothing and STOP. Why are we all so disjointed, augmentive, dissatisfied, selfish, uncompassionate, ...it's the world we're living in I guess. I'm listening intently because I think I've missed what God has been trying to tell me and I don't want to miss it again. People, if you've got your health, you got most of everything you need, yes my journey has taught me this lesson and it's not done with me yet. I see my vision changing, it's a little unsettling as I see myself moving away from the small stuff that used to be the important stuff and thinking on how to share the vision. Ok, enough it will all come to pass. Just praying and looking forward to healing!

If I don't Blog tomorrow.....MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL, LOVE YOU!

HOLLA!

Annette

I Spoke to Soon

Well it seemed like the second chemo treatment was going to be better. In actuality I think it was. I was able to feel half way decent or so I thought. The new anit- nausea medication made me sleep so I didn’t drink as much. In addition I had that nasty chemo taste in my mouth so that made it hard to swallow liquids. The nasty taste just seems to go down to my stomach with every swallow. As a result, when I woke up on Monday Morning, I thought I was doing well. I was going to attempt to wash up a few clothes, I got a far a dumping four items on the utility room floor and to the couch I had to sit. I decided then and I’m glad that I did to call the doctor. They had me come in, took my blood and all of my counts were good. So, thinks did go well, so why was I feeling so weak. It turns out I needed fluids. I got two and half hours of fluids on Monday and I’m sitting in the chemo chair right now get two and half more hours of fluids and more anit nausea medication. Hopefully, this will help me feel better for Christmas. If nothing else, maybe I can tolerate odors enough not to get sick. The nausea and the weak feeling is the worst. I reminded myself today that I need to be strong mentally and physically, but I tell you this feeling keeps me reduced to tears. I keep thinking about getting this done, getting healed.
I do use the little energy I have to focus on healing. The girls still keep the house a mess, they fuss they fight, they hurt my feelings by not helping me out as much, but I tell myself this is their way of dealing with things. They keep asking me what I want for Christmas. “All I want for Christmas and any other time is my health.” I don’t mean to be the Christmas crinch. I’m just thankful that God gave his only son for me so that I could live. I pray, but it seems not as much as I should, but how much is that. I pray that I live, that I am healed with problems and complications, but then I find myself encountering so many people as I go to the doctor encountering some kind of journey that I find myself praying for them more than me. I pray for my mother constantly, she is my rock. It hurts her so to see the girls not stepping up to the plate and she’s not feeling well herself, so please keep her in your prayers as well.

The doctors and nurses at Ingalls have been loving and caring and I thank God for that too. It helps get through things better. They are still working with me and hoping to find the right formula to help me get through future treatments. I look forward to ticking the treatments off on the calendar. I can’t wait for it to be done. I pray that the job is done and healing is complete.

Venectia came by yesterday. Makeda found out that I had Cancer and told Venecita. Guy never told her. She felt bad that she had not been around since I’ve been sick. I told her it was okay, I know she would have been there had she known. I told her I had not called because I always tell her to call and check in. I knew she would call soon. Our love and friendship is still strong.

Well my fluids are almost done, so prayerfully I’ll feel better after this.

Family is having dinner catered pray for my family, we’ll get it all right one day.

Can’t wait to feel better!

Not too bad

Mom and Ferlando took me to get my shot today. I get a shot the next day after every chemo treatment to re-build my white counts. I was a little quesy today. The dr. changed the anit-neusea treatment and that helped a lot. However, it makes me drowsy so I slept most of the day. It's almost 11 PM now and I am a little tired. I didn't eat much today, but I tried to make sure I took in a lot of fluids. It's not easy to do when your stomach stays upset. I was able to eat cake this morning with Breyen for her birthday. She made 20 today. I keep reminding her that she needs to make plans to transitioning into living on her own. I don't think she is hearing me, but I'll keep sending the message. Hopefully she enjoyed her day. She and Tyler have been out of the house much of the day, so Mom's been here with me most of the day. She doesn't want to leave me alone just in case I get sick. Breyen just left so I know won't see her until the crack of dawn. Tyler should be on her way in so Mom can go home and sleep in her own bed and get a good night's rest. Hopefully tomorrow will be as good as today and by Sunday the neusea will be gone and I can get back up on my feet. Chris, Annie, Tira, Clara and Shanita called to check on me today. I got a call from Darlene today, she was veryn upset. Please keep her and your family in your prayers.

Well I think I am going to get some ice chips and slide back down in my bed. Pray for a good day tomorrow. Prayer changes things!


Holla

Second Chemo Treatment Tomorrow

Today was busy and good. I got my hair done. This short hair is cute in a way but it is work. Let me tell you it's nothing like pulling your hair back into a ponytail and running out the door. I Picked up my anit-neusea medication....let's hope it does it's thing this time! After that I went to physical thearpy. I've started lifting light weights and working with the ball. It's amazing that I used to work out and lift 20 to 25 lb weights and now 2 to 3 lbs weights wear my booty out. But it's fun and I enjoy it. Watching me work on the ball is too funny. I roll all over the place and chase the ball a lot instead of drippling it... and I can't catch. Hard to describe, just trust me it's funny. After that I went to a session called Look Good Feel Better to learn how to apply make-up wear wigs and attach hair to scarves and hats. Annie went with me, they encourage supporters but they wouldn't let her touch the make-up. Weird but okay. It was just a blessing to have Annie there with me. She spoils me and I like that. I guess I should enjoy it while I can cause when I heal she won't be so nice to me anymore....:). Just kidding Annie. I love you and Thank You for everything. Then Chris continued my pampering, she took me to Cafe Borja. We met Michele and Betsy there and they gave me a lovely card and a beautiful candle holder. The food was good and the company great. Thank you Ladies. I keep saying thank you but I hope every one knows that all of the support is truly appreciated and that simple words cannot express how much it really means to me.

Well tomorrow is chemo treatment number two. I hope it will go better than the first one. The good things are that this time I don't have a cold and my port is not infected. We now know that no cooking can go on in the house and the doctor is going to try something a little different in an attempt to control the neusea. So as long as my blood levels are good we will move forward.

I had a conversation with Ferlando today. He really is a deep brother, but I get him. I understand him. He's in mourning for his father and growing. He's getting some needed alone time and will come out of mourning even more special than he already is.

Angie goes for an job interview tomorrow. I'm praying that she does well and gets the job. Keeping you all in my prayers.

holla!

I did it better

Yesterday, I paced myself a little better. It was a major adjustment for me, but I must admit I did feel better. I got up and went to the club. Chris and I walked over a mile on the threadmill. Chris went on to do some lifting. Me I ran my mouth and then came home. When I got home I ate and laid down to take a nap. Now yall know that's different for me, I am not a napper. In my past life I would lie down to sleep during the day but sleep would never come. I told Tyler not to let me sleep more than an hour. I laid down and sleep came right away. It felt good. In exactly an hour, the phone rang and woke me up. It was Babysister calling to check on me. She had perfect timing because I did not want to sleep more than an hour. I wanted to challenge myself to continue my day without being completely wiped out. I did good. Babysister is struggling with a cold. I pray that she get's a hughe christmas present....peace! :).

Mom was here on Sunday cooking. I thank God for her, I don't know what I would do without her. I think we both struggle because we try to take care of each other. In my mind I know she wants to help me and will do anything to help me, but I don't want to burden her either. She's had a tough life and I've constantly pray that she will find some peace and happiness in her life. Not only do I want to heal for myself, but I don't want her to have to loose another child in her life time. We are opposites in our approach to things, I look for the positive, she looks for the needed corrections and that challenges our communication but God knows no matter what she is my angel sent from heaven. Love you Mom.

I had some visitors yesterday as well. Buggs came to visit. She is such a sweetheart. She brought me a fruit basket and fruit was so fresh. I don't usually eat a lot of fruit but I've been on the fruit in this basket, esp. the tangerines. Ferlando and Shawna stopped by for a few minutes. I get the impression that it is really hard for them to be around me. As supportive as Ferlando has been and I know he's been through a lot with loosing his dad. I just get the impression it's easier for them to keep some distance between me and them. I can talk to Ferlando on the phone but he seems to have a need to keep the face to face at a minium. For he and Shawna I know it's weird because I've always been the (I don't know the right word) leader in the family. It's funny watching peoples' reactions. Sometimes I feel like I'm sitting on the outsides looking in, it's a different perspective. Annie, Diane and Walter came by to visit me to . That Annie I tell you is one of God's special Angels. She's like a sister to me, a cousin, a friend and someone I feel I can share my deepest feelings. Having Diane here was good too, conversating with her is a "knowing". She has been through something similar, I hear her words but I understand , I know what the words are not saying. And to my suprise Walter came to visit He actually asked permission to come visit. I was glad he came to visit. Most men I know are afraid of me now, or let's just say they don't come around. I thank God for the men who have been consistent in relationship and communication with me. Louis is actually one of the men in the sense that he calls to see how I am, Guy Hampton who stops by on his way from work to see if I need anything, Walter, and Rev. Love. It's funny to see how men react overall. But you know I have a couple of female friends who can't handle being around me... I keep telling Anita I'm still me and Delores finally found the courage to come in to say hello. I love all of you!!!

Well off to the club at 5 AM in the morning, then a relaxationg treatment tomorrow night, if the weather holds up. Hopefully I'll get back to the blog before Thursday....next chemo treatment. Pray for a faster recovery this time and shoo away those side effects!

Holla at yall later.

Adjusting

Well I'm still adjusting to this short hair. I like it okay, but the shock-a-zoo-loo's have been loosed! The short hair is so nappy and it's itchy. The hair is extremely dry and hard. It may be the chemo, I don't know. The hair just eats up anything I put on it to moisturize it. I'll adjust.

I started experiencing a new side effect today. My joints are very weak and achy. I called the doctor today to discuss it with him and it seems I may be experiencing a delayed side effect of the the shot given to me the day after chemo to help re-build white cells which help fight infection. So, I pushed forward and went on to the healthclub as the doctor's want me to work out even when I don't feel like it. I met Chris at the club and we worked out together with Alex. Alex is Chris' daughter, she abandoned us after about a half hour. I walked for about a half hour. I did some strecthing, out leg work, buttock work, a little back work and some squats. It was a light workout which is a big adjustment because I'm so used to working out hard. Even though it was a light workout I was exhausted when I got home. I ate when I got home and went directly to couch for a nap. After the nap I had planned to do some house cleaning. I didn't get past washing and folding clothes and cleaning the kitchen until I had to rest again. Yeap you guessed it another adjustment. Tyler did some cleaning today and promised to help me with the tree tomorrow. I plan to go back to the club tomorrow so hopefully I will have the energy.

I'm not working right now and let me tell God knows best. I have talked to a lot of women who work during chemo but I am wiped out. I guess God knew I would need the rest and nooo it's not me being lazy! However, I would like to get strong enough and get this process to under control so that I can work or at least have some energy between treatments. However, I have not lost site of the fact that things could be worst and are indeed worst for others. Rev. Love reminded me of that as he shared some insight to his experience with he encountered during his visit in africa. I had another reminder today as well as I watched Extreme Makeover and all the people they help along the way. And my cousin Frieda reminded me that things are bad but not as bad as they could be.

I cried with Louis today. I told him that although he is not my husband anymore, he is still the father of my children and that I needed his help finacially and with the girls. He gave me hug and told me he would help but just to hang in there until spring. I don't know what that means, he is so non-committal and afraid that I am trying to take advantage of him. The girls are distancing themselves from him a bit because they are disappointed that he hasn't stepped up to help us out more esp. because of the my illness and the fact that I'm not working, and unfortunately he has not stepped up to the plate to help out as much as he could. It's another adjustment for them and for me as I thought he would help us more esp. since he has never paid the judgement in the divorce decree. However, he does call to check on me and trys to keep up with Tyler and her efforts to find a college. I told him today we needed to sit down and figure out how we are going to handle college tuition, but I know that won't happen. Prayerfully God will take care of it.

I will try to work out again tomorrow. Maybe it won't take too much energy. I am going to have to manage my energy level better to make sure I get some things done. And maybe these darn joint aches will be gone. I praying that I can adjust enough to get back on my feet after the next treatment and be on my feet during my off week from chemo.

Adjusting slowly but surely!

Oh, just to let you all know, Ferlando's Dad died on Thursday which was also Ferlando's daughther's birthday as well. Funny, how the dates work out, my grandmother died two years ago on Tyler's Birthday, and the day LaVonte was born. Now Amina's grandfather (Ferlando's dad) died on her birthday. Ferlando is doing okay, focused on getting back to his life and making adjustments to get back on his fee!

I have short hair

Well over the years I've dabbled with cutting my hair shoulder length here and there. Today in preparation for the possibilibty of being bald as a result of chemo, I had it cut short today. Mitzi cut it short. I have a little fluff at the top the back is shaved. I always thought my head was too big for a short cut, but I actually like it. It feels strange and since I can't get a perm the back is not lying down as nicely as it could but what does it matter if it all falls out any who? Short hair is work so I'll will have to run a comb thru it here and there. My scalp is itching a lot now and the right side was a little tender when it was washed, I don't know if this is the first signs of my hair falling out but that remains to be seen. I'm not much worried about though, too many other things to worry about. But hey, I got more new hair today. I went to visit the Breast Cancer Strength Network today with Chris to get a wig. I actually got 4 wigs. There was one human hair wig which everyone advised me to get but I passed it because it needed work and didn't do much for me. I got a red wig and two dark wigs. I can wear the red wig as spring draws near because I always wear my hair lighter in the spring and summer months. The other two I can wear back and forth weekly. But guess what I got a blond Marilyn Monroe wig. I can't wait to be invited to a party so I can put it on with a sassy dress and some high heel shoes! :). I told Chris I will wear when I'm with her. She has decided that I need to wear a leopard dress when I wear it. I can't wait, it should be fun. Tyler and I have decided to give the wigs names, so I'll have to decide which personality will wear which hair, HA!

Chris hung out with me all day. She picked me up from Mitzi's took me to physical thearpy, went to an downtown appointment and to get my wigs. She even took me to the Hard Rock
Cafe for dinner. After feeling so bad from the chemo, it was nice to have such a pleasant day. Tomorrow, I go to Faye's light (A breast Cancer day spa) for a pedicure and facial. I'm also looking forward to that. Then reality sits in. I have to go see the oncologist tomorrow. Hopefully my white and red blood cell counts will be up again. I have a cold and I'm stilling struggle to rid myself of it along with the anti-bioatic the dr gave me yesterday. I have just a little voicek, but hopefully it will be better tomorrow. As much as I dread the effects of the chemo I would like to stay on schedule and get healed. I still have radiation and more surgery to face at some point down the line. See I told you reality. I just pray that there is something that the oncologist can do to help with the neusea. We'll see.

I got Garrett's popcorn today too. Humm, Humm I'm hanging on to that for tomorrow. Gotta go yall need to get my beauty rest. Holla back yall, love to hear from you!

Relief from Chemo Brain

You might wonder what chemo brain is....well it's this fog. My cousin Annie's Mom said it's like being high. Well let me tell you it's not a nice high. It's a funk, a fog, that prevents you from feeling like yourself, from think clearly and from thinking fast. It's just not nice. I guess you can describe it as a bad hang over, though I'm not sure since I've only been hung over once or twice in my life and chemo brain is worst! They tell me that chemo brain will get worse as the treatments go on and will still be hanging out about three months after treatment is completed. I just pray that there is something to help me get this neasea under control and I pray that the port will be less uncomfortable.

I woke up this morning, I had to be at the club at 5 AM. I was a little late but that didn't bother me. It was just important to me that I would be able to get there. I had my clothes laid out so nothing to think about there, I just couldn't get in a hurry. Chemo Brain was in control. I was still a little neuseated and odors were still wrecking havoc with my senses and my stomach. The doctor said we would try something different next time that may allow me to less neaseated. Again the saving grace is that it is temporary but riding the wave makes me feel like it will never end.

At the club this morning I was slow and smiling was a true effort. Erika helped me out some with some special jokes of her own. That always helps. I got some walking in as well, it was hard. Imagine that walking hard for me, someone who likes to run. I guess it's time to re-think this running thing, perhaps after treatment I will look for something else to do. I guess time will tell.

It was a busy day today as are my next couple of days. I had fluid drawn off my back today. That's never fun but a necessary evil. Ah, I suppose it isn't so bad just a prick from the needle after that it's not bad and it feels better once the fluid is drawn off. Babysister and Mom took me out to eat and then we went on to the next appointment. I've been fighting a cold since a day or two before Thanksgiving. I had been lodging up on vitimin C and after chemo the cold was still here. I got an anit-biotic and some cough syrup today so maybe that will help. Then we went on to have prescriptions filled, as usual it was a full day. Later I laid on the couch hoping to catch nap, that didn't work so well. Mom got a little ticked with me today, so she made me dinner and then went home. I think she's learning to be here when I need help and stepping back when I can do a few things on my own. Still the stuff she gets ticked at me about have no real meaning value at least in my mind. Today was something about Wal-mart and their $4 prescriptions. Maybe after chemo brain Ican figure out what that one was really about, I just know it takes too much energy to sweat the small stuff. Later I did manage to get a nap in. Jay came by to check on scrathces in my wood floors. He's good a friend. Mr. Hampton came by to check on me too.

Well Christmas in the Burke house has always been a big affair. Well not this year. Maybe we will celebrate christmas in the summer. For now Christimas will be about celebrating life. I hope my children and family can appreciate that. I have my next chemo treatment on the 18th so maybe by Christmas Day Chemo Brain will free me up and I can enjoy the day without the fog, enjoy my family and the good food.

phoo phoo on Chemo Brain!

The First Chemo Treatment

Well, I've heard all of sorts of horror stories about chemo and after my first treatment I have found that the horror stories are true. Initially I thought my prayers for no side effects had been answered just the way I requested, after all I met a lady during chemo treatment who said she's been on chemo for three years and she's never had a reaction other than loosing her hair.

Well here goes. Mom, Trina and I got to the hospital at 7Am to have the port surgically imported. We waited until 10:30 AM before they got started. I was not put to sleep. I was awake during the entire prep and everything. An IV was put in and of all of the IV's I've had thus far this one was so painful I wanted to knock the nurse out! I was able to talk to the Dr. and nurses during the procedure. They told me that I should not be able to feel anything. It didn't hurt, but I could feel everything. Before they were done, I started to feel some pain. When they finished I was still in pain so they gave me more pain medication. Of course, you know from my experience with pain medication during my hospital stay after the mastsectomy it made me sick. Well after having the IV taken out, we headed over to the the Dr.'s office to receive chemo around 2 PM. There were no chairs available when I first got there and I was hungry (I hadn't eaten since before midnight the day before). The Dr. took me into the office break room and fed me baked chicken and a casear salad. Once a chair was available they hooked up a bag of a anti-neasea medication to my port. Once that was completed, they hooked up a another bag of a different anti neausea medication. Then they started with the first chemo drug. They had to push it from a huge syringe but very slowly. It took about 15 minutes. Finally, they added another chemo medication that dripped from a bag. The whole process took about an hour and a half. When I was done I was told to call if I have a fever of 100.5 or more.

We left and I headed for home, I ate and went to the health club. It was a long and tiring day. Friday came and I was feeling fine. Tyler and Louis left around 1 PM to go to IL State. Breyen came home from work for a while. Annie came by, she went to Chile's and brought food back. We sat in the kitchen and had a nice quiet dinner. Annie left around 9 PM. I actually started to feel different around that time, but I just got myself ready for bed and went to sleep. When I woke up on Sat. mornining, I felt like a MAC Truck had hit me. I was so fatiqued and neuseated that I could hardly move. I can't remember much either. I know that Mom was here and I thank God for that. I hate to see her sitting up watching me, I know this has to be hard on her but I am so thankful that she is here. Mom came right in starting cooking because she wants to make sure I eat, the smell of the food made me so sick I wanted to cry. I begged Mom to stop. She did of course as she had no idea that the smell of the food would make me sick. Then she tried lighting a candle to burn off the odor and sitting vinegar and water in a bowl in my room. I suppose it helped some but it was rough. I don't remember if i ate more than crackers, but Sunday I felt a little better. I was able to get out of bed something I didn't do on Sat. Trina came by to sit with me so that Mom could go home and get some rest. I don't know what I would have done without them. Darlene and Danan came by to visit, that helped get my mind off of feeling so bad. Several people called, I didn't have much strength to talk but it was good to know that they were thinking of me. Angie sorry I couldn't give you better news about the the neusea. Breyen went out, I guess she just couldn't stand watching me be so weak. Trina baked me a potatoe and I was able to eat that. In fact, it tasted good to me. I was able to sit on the couch most of the day which was a tremendous improvement. Tyler came home on Sunday morning, she slept most of the day, hard on her too; I know! I pray that it's not this bad everytime. Maybe it was rough this time because I had a cold, I got the port and I got chemo all at once. Today (Monday) was better still. Annie called several times to check on me. She had her friend talk to me who went through this treatment as well. It was very helpful. Now I know I will probably continue to be sensitive to smells. Well just keep praying as am I. One down 7 to go. The next chemo treatment is Dec. 18. Hopefully I will feel well by Christmas day. I continue to be encouraged and praying for complete healing!

Tomorrow is the First Day of Chemo

Well, here comes step #2...Chemo every two weeks for 16 weeks. I'm headed to the hospital at 7Am tomorrow to have a port put in my chest that will all chemo to enter the body through a large vein. The port will remain in place throughout chemo and a few months beyond that. I'm praying that I will not be adversely affected by all of the side effects and I hope I can keep some hair until I get a wig, if not a hat will do. I spent my last day with out chemo getting my teeth cleaned. The doctors don't want me to have my teeth cleaned during chemol. I also had a relaxation thearpy session today and it was wonderful! From there I went to physical thearpy which is always good. Then on to my cancer support group. The ladies in the group are all very wonderful and it's nice to openly share our feelings, thoughts and experiences. From there I came home to prepare my bag for tomorrow.

I'm all good. I'm not nervous or anything just wanting to get started so that I can get all of this behind me. Standing in faith and God willing all will be well.

It Is What It Is

I think I'm getting it. This Cancer thing is what it is. My focus is on survival now. There are many side effects and scars both mentally and physically, but "it is what it is". It could be worst. I have met so many survivors and I want and plan to be in that number. I am going to work on stepping back. There are so many things going on around me that distract me from focusing on healing. Breyen is always a distraction in one way or another, Tyler getting into college with some type of scholarship is another distraction, and getting the girls to step up to plate to keep the house clean and neat is another distraction. However, now that I am getting stronger I can do a lot of clean up myself, but I still find it frustrating that I have to pick up behind them. Sometimes, I think, wow, when they are both gone I can clean my house and keep it clean. People tell me to close door, I've tried it just doesn't work for me. It's a small thing in the scheme of things so I have to step back, My Mom is so worried about me and super emotional, I have to step back from that too. I've been trying to manage her worries and do things to keep her happy. I have to step back. I have to step up and stand firm in my faith that God will not give me more than I can bear and that he will heal me. My focus is to become dogmatic in that thinking. I will pray for the girls and for Mom that God will hold them up give them what they need. So that's where I am for now...stepping back, steping up and realizing "it is what it is".

Tyler and I went to NIU this past weekend on an official recruiting visit. Interesting! I think Tyler learned a lot and so did I. I think they have a wonderful academic program. I didn't realize it was so close. It was my first trip away from home since surgery. It went well. I missed my physical thearpy appointment because traffic was so bad on the way back due the our first snowfall for this cold weather season. Tyler goes to Il State this weekend. She will go with Louis because I am suppose to start chemo on Thursday (I'll get back to that in a minute).

I went to Church last Sunday. It felt good to be there, but it also felt surreal. I hope that chemo will allow me to get back. I will have chemo on Thursday's so the weekend is considered wipe out days. We shall see what my body decides to do.

I've been going to physical thearpy and the thearpist is wonderful. I've only seen her twice and I've made so much progress. The range of motion in my arm is almost back to normal. She is also teaching me how to work out at a certain target rate, as it is expected that I will workout everyday even during chemo, except of course on what they call wipe out days. It's great for me because I love to work out and hopefully it will help me manage this wait I've gained. In addition the thearpist strecthes the skin around my scar and that feeling amazingly good. She has also given me a technique to slow down the fluid build up on my back which is wonderful. When the fluid is on my back I'm stiff and sore. I went to see the plastic surgeon today and he drained a small amount of fluid from my back, nothing like the huge tube he drew off my back. Hopefully it will stop completely soon. The Dr. thinks one more visit to check for fluid should do it and then he will release me until after Chemo and radiation at which time I will go back for more surgery to complete the reconstuction.

Tomorrow is my last day before the first day of chemo. Atleast that was what was planned. However there is now a possibility that that won't happen. The last blood work I had indicated that my red blood cell count is still down, iron levels are low and on top of all of that, I have a cold. I've been working on the cold with vitimin C, it's getting better. Either way I will have minor surgery on Thursday to put the port in for chemo (another scar!). So we shall see.

Tomorrow is a busy day, I get my teeth cleaned, I go in for relaxation thearpy, I have physical thearpy, I have a possible dinner date, and a support group meeting. If chemo does happen maybe I'll be tired enough to sleep through it.