Anxious

I haven't felt like blogging much lately. The subject matter doesn't seem to change. However, I remind myself that the subject matter is the reason for the blog. The only thing that I can tell you at this point is that I have a lot of anxiety because I know the dreadful feeling that chemo will bring and I'm dreading it. Yet I'm getting anxious because the next treatment will put me at the half way mark. I need to get back to work so that I am not facing foreclosure on my home, in the near future, yet I realize that the chemo won't allow me to work. So I'm trying to put together a plan with a timeline for renewing my job search. I keep telling myself that 2.3 million women have survived breast cancer in the US and I'm looking forward to being in that number but so much goes into it, so it's easier said than done. I'm not a person who likes to sit around and this house and these walls and even my own bed are starting to drive me crazy. Mom spends much of her time cooking for me and trying to make sure that I eat. So I eat and I eat, I'm actually tired of eating. I eat things now that I would never eat before. I worry about eating sugar because my reading tell me that sugar feeds cancer. I love sugar. Mom brought me Ensure which I don't even want to entertain drinking. Drinking is hard for me. I think I figured out why. I've had heartburn and Indigestion these last couple of weeks another reason my stomach stays so up set. I figured that out when I called the Dr. this week to get some help with Mouth sores. They gave me a cocktail of Lanacane, Benadryl and Malox. Not only did it help he mouth sores, it also settled my stomach.

I went to the club today and I was feeling pretty dry. I drank five or six bottles of water today along with some Gatorade and did not have to go potty. That's seriously dry. It let's me know that changing my chemo day to Mondays is probably a good decision because that gives me all week to go back to the Dr. for IV fluids.

I want to go to church. I can't make up my mind to go and I'm not sure why. I go out other places and I've even been to other churches. Tyler asked me why I couldn't make up my mind to go and I told her I was afraid of catching a cold. I don't know I will have t0 pray on it and find the courage.

Tyler cleaned house today and Breyen has gone back to some of her old ways. I just keep praying.

It's late so I suppose I should go to bed so If I decide to go to church I can get up.

Holla