The Quiet

I got good news on Friday, news that I may be able to keep at least a portion of my right breast. The news brought tears of joy to my loved family and friends. Since I got and spread the news a quiet has come over me. Am I in shock? Maybe. I don't know. I wonder what's yet to come, I'm feeling like this thing just might go away and God will have me beat breast cancer as so many other women have. And yet....there's this quiet. Perhaps it's because of the biospy of the uterus yet to come. I really don't want to do this but I know I need to be checked thoroughly for other cancers that are usually combined with breast cancer. Also, I'm not feeling too good. I have this light headed feeling almost like I'm dizzy but I'm not. My energy level is down but I keep going. I wonder what the doctor will tell me about next steps with the breast, and I want to scream at my OB/Gyn and tell him to find someone else to pick on. My allergies are bad right now, it makes sick to think of the coughing and post nasal drip because for almost a year I was good, so why have they reared their ugly heads now? My girls have no clue what any of this is like for me and I don't really think they care. And in a lot of ways I'm glad. Now is that me feeling sorry for myself? After all I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've been battling to keep Breyen since Louis and I split, my fiances have been in the dumps since the divorce which after a three year battle was finalized in Oct. 2006. I spent 23 years trying to be a good wife and 19 trying to be a good mother. Angie told me I've been a good wife and mother, seems to me I've made a mess of it all. I was hit by a car on Easter Sunday in 2006 (April 16), and now this....and I'm sure if I live long enough there will be more. I often think..."Can I buy a break?" In the beginining of the breast cancer journey, I felt like the tazmanian devil, I just wanted to spin out of control. Now, there's just the quiet. I'm quiet, I have no logic, I'm just holding on to quiet strength. My grandmother had that kind of quiet strength. This quiet is different than the lull before the storm....maybe this is my break!