Five More Days to Go

When I woke up this morning, I felt like crying! I don't know why. I haven't cried in a while, probaly since the first days of finding out about the breast cancer diagnois. The feeling passed as quickly as it came. I know the tears will come eventually. I suspect they will come soon, maybe at the hospital just before surgery.

Today was a very long day. It was my intention to go to the doctor, get back to the house and finish cleaning my room. There's not much to do, but I just haven't gotten around to it.

I went to see the Dr. today regarding the official pathology results from the DNC. Dr. Roth said all is well and even gave me a picture of my uterus. He said he was worried because he thought he saw a lot of stuff when he did the DNC, but knew it was best to wait for the result before confirming anything. He asked as he always does if there is anything he can do to help. I thanked him. I told him he's on my call list. He said great because he really wanted to know home I'm doing after surgery. It was a quick short Dr. visit. I like them like that!

When I left the Dr. I called Ann to let her know I was not going to stick around for lunch. Ann is planning to come visit with me tomorrow, so I'll see her then. I stopped at the mall and picked up a pack of footies and then decided to head back south. On a whim I decided to stop at the FEMA office on 127th. I parked and got in line, thinking that I would get tired of waiting and just leave. Well, I stood in line from 12:30 PM until 5 PM. It took 10 maybe 15 minutes to fill out an application, the process was actually pretty smooth. Louis was at a different location. We stayed in touch with each other to see how fast the lines were moving or not moving. They seemed to be moving at about the same pace. I was finished just about 10 to 15 minutes before Louis.
God is very good to me. I had not intended to go to the FEMA office, so I was not dressed for the standing in line outside for hours. I got a little chilled and the sun came out and that felt really good. Later when I was beside the building in the shade and I started to shiver and the man in from of me wrapped his coat around me. Also, I had not eaten or drank anything all day, but I didn't even get a hunger headache.

I picked Ferlando up from Starbucks and we went out for pizza. We had a very good enlightening and spiritual conversation. Ferlando shared with me that he thought my life journey at this time is not for me but for others and that God is using me as a catalyst for change. And also to bring our family together. I would like to think that is the case, I'm just not sure. I do believe that he is right that God is using me for something, I'm waiting to see what it is. I'm like a little kid peaking around the tree trunk to see what's going on. In a wait, I'm anxious to get the surgery done so that I can see what's next. One thing that I've learned is just how much I am loved. Ferlando thinks I'm learning humility that God is using me, yet the consolation is not for me. I don't know the purpose but I know that God continues to bless me in so many ways. I'm at loss for words to share with you the very spiritual and soulful conversation we had except to say I conversation opened up Ferlando' connection and communication with God. I think we both saw God working right before our eyes. We went back to Mom's watched TV, heard the news about Jennifer Hudson's family....I have her in my prayers. It's really sad.

Tonight at Mom's we had a conversation about Michele Obama and dressing with class. Mom said well she doesn't have her breast hanging out, woment shouldn't have their chest hanging out. I told her too bad...cause when I get my new set of girls, I'm going to let 'em all hang out. She didn't expect that from me. She fell out laughing. I told her I'm serious so just don't say anything...LOL! Anyway she and Ferlando asked to feel the lump in my breast. They were able to feel a little bit of a mass. The Cancer was playing games tonight, there was no real lump to a mass. I told them it changes sometimes its a mass and sometimes it's a lump. It was playing hide and seek tonight just as it did during the first biospy. As my doctor saids, "it's a sneaky cancer!

I spoke with Darlene the other night and she asked me to think about not writing about Breyen in the Blog. I told her I needed to do that because it's all a part of the journey. So, she asked me to consider not writing negatively about Breyen. I told her I could do that. I've had some time to think about her request. I told her that my thoughts were not intended to be negative but rather just what I'm experiencing. My sister told me that Ferlando asked Shawna to talk to Breyen. Shawna told her that there was nothing she could say to Breyen and that Breyen would change when she's ready. I totally agree with Shawna, but here's the thing. Breyen is as one of the members of my church often says is "in the world,but she'll be back". I think that statement applies here but figuratively. Breyen is my first born. She's special, she's spoiled and head strong and so are both of her parents. I know that Breyen cares about me and that she loves me, she actually tells me often. She's actually in a place in her life where I expect her to be even if there was no Breast Cancer in my life. When she takes the wrong path, I go off the deep end in an attempt to bring her back to the right path as I supspect many other parents are doing with the young adults in their lives. She will be back, she is beautiful, she is thoughtful when she wants to be, she's intelligent ans she has so much potential. She uses a lot of antedotes like "love me or leave me alone." That's her strength reaching out, she's immature in a lot of ways and she wants acceptance, her actions are screaming for it. I LOVE Breyen DeAndra Burke. She is blossoming, I just have to give her some fertilizer. Right now she is riding the wave, it's not easy but I have every confidence no matter what comes in between that all will be well with her. It's what I ask for in my prayers. She has a limited capacity right now but she's young enough still for that capacity to grow.

Speaking of capacity, Ferlando thinks that I am traveling this journey with Breast Cancer because God finds me qualified in that he only gives us what we can bear. He said imagine someone else in our family going through this...we would be messed up. Interesting! I'm sleepy so I'll come back to this...

Five Days to Go and Blue Cross and Blue Shield is dragging its butt on approving the breast augmentation on the left breast for symetry. Yet in the state of IL the law saids that insurance co.'s have to pay for this type of augmentation when breast cancer is involved. They know that the surgery is scheduled for Oct. 29, 2008 but at his point their reponse is simply, "the matter is under review" Why do we have these laws if the insurance companies don't have to follow them? Pray that this is resolved in time for the surgery.