Two Days to Go

Yesterday was such a good day. Today was a tough day. I got up and headed off to the doctor. I had to go downtown and I was running a little late. I was suppose to be at the Dr. at 9:15. I left the house at 8:57. I actually pulled into the parking lot at the Dr.'s office at 9:33. Yeah, I was moving. Well the doctor said I have a irritated rotator cuff. Usaually it would be no big deal, but because of the mastsectomy there could be problems...frozen shoulder or capsular something. Treatment consists of steroids shots to the shoulder and physical thearpy. The problem is that the mastsectomy recovery requires no movement or little movement of the arms. Not moving the rotator cuff could cause frozen shoulder. However, the Dr. says follow recovery directions for the Mastsectomy, we will work with the shoulder later. Not, so bad, I guess, I just have to pray that the shoulder holds up.

When I got home, Mom came by. That visit didn't go well. She left mad, frustrated and hurt. She was attempting to look for Shawna's number to ask her to come out to braid my hair. I kept telling her I have Shawna's number. She wasn't hearing me so I had to say I don't want you to call Shawna. She said she was just trying to help. I told her I understand her trying to help and I need her help, I just didn't want her to call Shawna. She thought she heard me say that I wanted Shawna to braid my hair. When in fact I just made a general comment about Shawna braiding my hair when Mom told me she was off today. Mom left mad, frustrated and teary eyed, saying "I can never do anything right" . In hind sight it seems very small and trivial. Somehow we keep having these encounters about help. I told her I am going to need her help...I don't know I don't have any answers and I'm too tired and too overwhelmed to figure it out. God is trying to tell me something I'm sure, I just have figured out what yet. I will pray for understanding.

When Tyler came home from school today, she received her first acceptance letter to college. She was accepted to Arizona State University. I put a damper on that by saying, "it has no money attached". That hurt Tyler's feelings and took away her joy. It was not my intent to upset her. I apologized and congratulated her. Louis stopped by to congratulate her as well. Tyler was in tears because she said she was overwhelemed. She just didn't know what to do. I keep telling her she is selling herself short, thinking she is not good enough to do what she wants to do. Then she saids she doesn't know where she wants to go to college, she just doesn't want to go in the the midwest. She she didn't know what to do and everytime she asks me I don't help her. I thought I had helped. We've sat down a few times to work on applications, NCAA clearing house registration and narrowing down her college choices. Shame on me for thinking I had given her enough leads to move forward. It's hard for me to comprehend as I did not have anyone to help me with college applications or applying for financial aid or scholarships. So Louis and I set at the kitchen table and wrote her atlethic bio for her to send to college coaches. She sat and watched us and did not contribute or have any input. Maybe now she will move forwardI thought we had narrowed her college choices down, but she just want to continue applying to different colleges with no real ryhme or reason. She knows she wants sports medicine, but not where. I am so frustrated, I've talked and talked, eplained the process, the expectations and told her the sooner she gets this done the better. She also let me know that she only saw one essay that she can write for scholarships that I referred her to and that she didn't know how to use fastweb. She puts so much energy to socializing, I don't know why I can't get her to put the same enery into her future. Right now it's just too much! After surgery we'll work on it some more maybe I'll get it right.

I talked to Angie today. She asked me if I was scared. I told her no, I'm not scared, atleast not yet. I do think that I should be scared, but so far not so. It may hit me when I get to the hospital.

My heart goes out to Ferlando, he's trying to be here for me and now he's trying to divide himself between me and his father. I pray that he can stay strong while fulfilling his need to help me, his father and keep up with his studies.

Mel came by and picked me up tonight. She took me out to dinner. We met Tammy at MiMi's Cafe. It was right on time as things have not been going well today. God is always right on time. We had a good time at dinner, talking girl talk and eating good food. It was just nice to get out, have some fun and no pressure! We even took pictures at the restaurant. Mel gave me a beautiful card, so the day did get better.

When I got home from the restaurant tonight. Breyen came to my room and told me she wanted me to know that she does care and she loves me. She said she was just hurt and confused. When I asked her what she was confused about, she told me she just didn't understand why this was happening to me. I told her there is no "why" it's just what it is. She said she wants me to know that she loves me, she does care and that she is going to be here for me. She gave me hug and I thanked her for letting me know how she feels. That was the best part of the day.