A Mother's Love

My doctor told me he was going to have his office call me to schedule an MRI later in the day. I waited anxiously for the call but it never came. On Friday (9/12/2008) I called the doctor's office to see why they had not called to scheduled the MRI. The young lady I spoke to, I believe her name was Kendra, told me that she was swamped with about 10 or 12 cases where she was trying to get approval from the insuance company and that my insurance (BCBS) had denied the MRI. I told Kendra that I would have appreciated it if she would have called to let me know something and that the silence was very unnerving. Kendra took offense. I patiently listened to her again tell me how busy she was. I told her that I understood, however, I was sure that the other 10 or 11 cases as well as myself would appreciate hearing something, as it is scary enough being told that you have cancer. I asked if there was anything I could do, such as calling the insurance company because as far as I knew I did not need approval to have an MRI done. Kendra explained that she sometimes can stay on the phone with an insurance company for half an hour. She further explained that the BCBS doctor want to speak with my Dr. Kendra said I've seen Dr. Krause get on the phone and get these things done in 2 minutes where it takes her 30 minutes.

I told my Mother that MRI was not scheduled because insurance refused to pay for the procedure. My mother went into that magical Mommy mode. She said she would sale her house to pay for the MRI. I told her she is to hold on to her home because the economy is too shaky and further we would just wait until Monday. My mother was on ten...."wait for what", just schedule the MRI we'll figure out a way to get it paid. All of this and we didn't even know the cost of the MRI. My sister and I convinced her to wait, we would see what the Insurance company had to say on Monday.

The next thing I knew Mom had gone to the grocery store, put food in my refrigerator and starting preparing meals. Well as I share with you in my first blog, I don't want my mother to have to take care of me. I realize I will need her care, but I asked her to wait until I got to a point where I could not do for myself. I further explained to her that doing these things for me now even before I had detailed information from the MRI and the doctor was pre mature and made me feel like she was writing off...preparing for my last days. I told her that it made me feel weak and that I needed to remain strong. In reality, I know that most days she does not feel well and I don't want to be burden. She told me that it was not burden and that she wanted to cook and spend time bonding with girls and she wanted to surprise me the meal. I thanked her and told her I did not want her spending her money as she is on a fixed income and for now I can do this. I told her I want and expect her to help me but I'm not ready for that right now. I told her I feel find, it's just that I now know that I have breast cancer. The emotions in this conversation are difficult to express here, but I can tell you that I know that I hurt my mother deeply. When I couldn't express my feeling with enough love to make her understand I ended the converation in a bad way and my Mom left in tears. .

I retreated to my room and began to pray. I asked God for forgiveness for hurting my Mom so, yet God knows what's in my heart. I love my mother and I thank God for her, she has been a blessing in my life, but I just need to do it this way for now. I called my mother later to ap0logize and to let her know home much I love and appreciate her. I Know she's still hurt and for that I'm sorry. As my cousin Gwen said "cancer" is a scary word. I pray for forgiveness and will look inside myself to communicate better and have patience....she is after all a mother, most importantly my mother and I know that she loves me and cares for me. I do need her to understand that doing for me while I can do for me is my way of strengthing my core and preparing myself for what's to come. My mother will probably never see this blog as she is not computer savvy, but I will continue to tell her how much I love her.

A mother, my mother is an awesome gift from God! I continue to pray for healing.

I Love you mom!

The MRI is scheduled for Monday, Sept. 22, 2008

Waiting for the MRI...